Fear and shame

[Bbilly-3553]

Hello, I'm a 21yo male with submissive tendencies and a foot fetish. I have never had sexual experiences for two reasons: I suffer from avoidant personality disorder and I have never liked my kinks. Mostly because I feel like I don't like penetrative sex, and that led me to a big depression. I have avoided dating many girls for fear of their judgment, and this makes me to feel very bad and I don't know what I want. At the moment I'm getting closer to a girl, I like her and I feel she likes me too but my shame and AvPD are hitting bad. How can I be more gentle to myself? I don't want to keep avoiding but I hate myself and I feel I don't deserve her

Edited July 1 by Bbilly-3553

[Kv****]

You need to start saying positive things to boost your courage and see past your fear and shame... you need to also open up to the new girl you're getting closer to so she can be a support system to you.

[Kv****]

Not gonna be easy but you just have to try to stay positive in thinking, in words, and surrounding.


That's my opinion

[Deleted Member]

There is no problem in not liking penetrative sex. Just be straight with her and in general and have to fear to say what you like and don't like. Everybody is different and there is not a right thing. Right is what you like.

[Deleted Member]

*have no fear

[Deleted Member]

You did step one to sort out your problems* and that is admitting them and asking for help to solve them.
(*avoidant personality disorder and self hate)
.
As for your kinks there is nothing to be ashamed about.
(I like feet too and i know when and how to present it to a woman to minimise freak outs.)
.
As for the self hate and depression it helps to find people who you can openly talk about it and let it went out. A Thereapist or a support group can make wonders.
.
If that feels too much journaling could do the trick too.
.
Good luck and if you need help let me know.

[Suckyourtoes]

I remember going through this. I was 20 and started seeing a girl I liked. I didn’t know how to tell her about my foot fetish so one day I wrote her a note that said: I am sexually attracted to your feet. I handed it to her and I cried out of shame or embarrassment. It was a tough confession to make but in the end she let me lick her feet. Hope everything works out for you. Loneliness is no fun.

[Deleted Member]

No shame. Ever.

[ar****]

1 hour ago, Suckyourtoes said:

I remember going through this. I was 20 and started seeing a girl I liked. I didn’t know how to tell her about my foot fetish so one day I wrote her a note that said: I am sexually attracted to your feet. I handed it to her and I cried out of shame or embarrassment. It was a tough confession to make but in the end she let me lick her feet. Hope everything works out for you. Loneliness is no fun.

Would you say that, with age, your communication skills improved? If I would be really involved with someone, I would feel free to open up about it with them, knowing that it it would be a red flag for them then they wouldn't be my partner material to begin with.
.
So, what I wonder: do people lose shame and embarrassment when they get older?

[ar****]

*... knowing that IF it would be a red flag to them...

[ED****]

I believe one does lose shame and embarrassment as you age because your taboos and socialisation you had when younger the way you are brought up in society becomes a learning tool and you focus on happiness more after major life events no matter what they are e.g. divorce etc,

though any can trigger new focus, so keep focussing, rid those taboos free yourself and find a partner that matches well and your happiness unfolds , the risks don’t outweigh that ever really if honest with oneself, the roat to a free spirit and bliss means sacrifices within you and around you until you meet your destiny in a partner be free to find that ‘right‘ person on the way,

to wade through all the others you meet and share with takes time, your heart, mind intellect, body an soul will know when that special precious one mirrors and resounds within and with you, not at you or to you within and outwith all others,

if you know, you know, you will and can know, just be patient with yourself and others you meet they will respect you for that, your integrity will show on you for who you really are and be noticed valued and made free to be in bliss happy in a level no matter your wealth or disabilities. its just finding that precious one you wish to cherish love and nurture and always be with to explore new life new ways though it is within us all as human to err we, recover and with age becoming wiser less foolish and more adoring, if what we value and need want and need are so different though when they match you wilm certainly know as ALL OF YOU IS KNOW AND finds actrue happiness with your chosen ine to fully share a real life together irrespective of gender, bonne chance, bon voyage ! X

[QXX666]

Are you in therapy? I don’t think asking this type of question on a fetish site is the right thing to do.
You should ask her if she knows about your condition and go from there. But seek professional advice…

[SS****]

And this is why I’m glad that mainstream is catching on and slowly getting rid of the “weirdo” stigma that accompanies a foot fetish. Everyone that has a kink has felt like this at one time or another. It’s not healthy to keep it closeted. It has the same psychological impact as someone who is gay and afraid to come out, because it’s part of who you are. As many of these other posters have suggested, be yourself. Be confident. Be respectful. Be honest. If you do all of those things, the right one will accept you.

[Suckyourtoes]

I have made that comparison many times. It’s very much like being gay. Society places a stigma on things that are very normal and natural for other people.

[Suckyourtoes]

Arnhem961 - It’s one of those if I knew then what I know now situations. I guess you get hardened to certain things with age. Now if I’m on a dating site I bring it up right away. No point in beating around the bush.

[Ae****]

Long story short - therapy ❤️

[ey****]

yep - another vote here for therapy / mental health support 

[yo****]

Life's too short get stuck in before your old

[Suckyourtoes]

How could he tell a therapist he has a foot fetish if he can’t tell the girl he likes? Just write the girl a note and hand it to her. The worst she can do is say no. Break the ice! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Suckyourtoes said:

How could he tell a therapist he has a foot fetish if he can’t tell the girl he likes? Just write the girl a note and hand it to her. The worst she can do is say no. Break the ice! Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

because it's not about the foot fetish

it's about:

- the avoidant personality disorder

- coming to terms that he might be asexual

- depression

- low self worth

those are the things to seek therapy for. 

 

[mi****]

My husband loves my feet. When we were dating and he said you have cute feet I loved it! The fact that you are sub and love feet is precious! See if this girl is open to dominating you with her feet…..eventually she can will you to fuck her it could be a beautiful thing. In your own time and in a safe space the desire will hit you. Out of curiosity we’re you raised in a religious home or a home where sex was bad? I say this because you sound so similar to how awkward I felt about intimacy. I think the root cause of this for me was shame with my own sexuality. I hope this helps ❤️

[dook]

Sometimes BDSM is a way to walk through or just say the hell with all of our fears.