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Questions about dipping our toes into hotwifing/sharing, finding information and possible play partners or people to talk to in Germany.


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Hello community.

Yes, this is a brand new account, because I'm just starting to look for the right place to find like minded people online. Yes, almost this exact post has been on reddit , but was I was not really successfull answering my questions there.

Sorry for a lengthy post. But I feel I need to get the context across and who I am. There is a tldr at the end but I don’t feel great about it.

Me (40m) and my wife (38f) have been married for close to 15 years, have 4 kids and it’s always been great. We live in Germany. We have always had good sex, but only recently discovered that we could have had bit more all along. Due to a single event we discovered that we both have more kinks and our communication about all things BDSM and sex in general has changed for the better. There had always been a bit of spanking, toys and will to experiment, but nothing I would call BDSM. So this post is about following up on the event that kind of started this new path we are on now.

My wife came home one night after dancing in a club with her friends (a dancing class for 25+) and we talked about how it was. We have not been out in long while so the night was special anyways and she was on a kind of endorphin rush. I asked her about other men being there and she did ask me if I were jealous. I told her no, which has always been the case, that I actually liked the idea of other men/women desiring her and that the thought also turned me on. I went on describing to her how I would come along and watch her dance. It felt like she was into the fantasy so I described to her how she would be touched by other men on the dance floor.

I was touching her, feeling her up moving my hands around to emphasise what I was talking about. I went on that when we got home from our imaginary night out I would confess that I had been talking to a guy at the bar about how hot she looked and that I offered her away with me being there to watch. Continuing with talk about sexy stuff and us actually engaging in sex while in the things I said she was having sex with some stranger and his „massive …“. Your get the point. 

I really got into the idea and read up on things. The new bottoming/topping books being the first books, watching Evie Lupine on the yt and so on. We took long walks and fantasised a lot. It was very clear that I would be topping and she be the bottom (which in „real“ life it is quite the opposite).

As a side node, we experimented with quite a few things, positions, *** play, toys, wearing toys in public, cum play and creampie cleanup and so on, but I don’t want to get into all that because it’s not part of the main question. 

At this point we had set up a few hypothetical ground rules and made some key observations:

  • me top, her bottom
  • General consent with safe words, which have not been used so far. So I’m free to do whatever I want and to make her do everything I please. We created some interesting experiences with this due to her being too shy to tell fantasies for now. 
  • Interactions with others are/would by my will
  • No anal sex for anyone but me
  • Safe words for us and potential third parties that would invoke different interruptions
  • I (and obviously her safe wording out) would always have the power to intervene and pull the plug on her interactions
  • There is more but not that relevant, like daily tasks and such

The first real scene I really planed, writing a script that was very close to what we had found to turn us on in that initial all starting moment. She got an introductory story with us getting home from a club, there being a man which she has not seen yet or at least does not know who he is and me giving her to him. In this scenario we were deeper into top/bottom stuff so I’m ordering her to do it and she had to say things like „if it pleases you, sir!“. She was blind folded and had to kneel naked, holding a small finger vibrator against her clit. I left the room to change cloths and aftershave, but on a belt, which I never do. When I came back a few minutes later I as myself told her that she was gonna count to ten and then start feeling what was in front of her. I walked over to a chair noisily and sneaked back in front of her. The „other“ man was not be allowed to speak so she would not know who he is (also my voice acting is not that great :P). I ***d her silently into positions and even tried to feel up her butthole which she pushed me away from giving a little bit of struggle to the scene, but her being a good girl and sticking to the rules that this is only for me. It also was supposed to get deeper into this not being me, which she later told me it did. Sex ended by him coming in her (which is something that will not ever happen in real life), him leaving in silence, her exposed and used on the bed. I took care of her afterwards and we cuddled and just enjoyed the experience.

This would never be a cuckold situation (I’m not into degrading myself), more in the way of hotwifeing/sharing, but with me always being in control to keep her safe and with her wanting to please me by enjoying the affection of others. We both know we are committed to each other, which is why I’m not jealous as far as I know. Real life encounters could be different, but we’ll never find out if we don’t try.

Next steps planed: We do have a few vacation days left and I would like to go to a different city, go to a club, bar or restaurant where we would meet people that I would have talked to in advance but my wife does not know about. She would never plan it, but I would like to meet or talk to these people in advance to up the chances we/my wife would vibe. I would look for one or more male and even interested females.

This would not be a real sexual encounter. More like dipping our toes into our fantasy see what it feels like. So dancing with explicit permission for involved parties to touch/grobe my wife in predefined manners (not in a harassing way) with me having told her beforehand that she should show off and let things happen when they do. How far this could go depends totally on the situation and the vibe of the people involved, but I would stress that this is a first time experience and that there is a good chance of her getting to scared and calling red. I just don’t know! Maybe this would go further then I think, maybe not and we will all just have some drinks and talk or even walk away. So I’d be looking for some people that would like to help live out a fantasy.

I know that this could be put in the swinger kind of corner, but this is not really what this is about. We don’t want to put our keys into a bowl and go, we do enjoy the power play, her being able turn her head off and doing as she is told, me enjoying the appreciation of others for my wife whilst it is clear that I am in control and quite a bit more…

Ok, enough setting context, now to my real questions: 

  1. We live in Germany and have not been to any community events or meetings. How would I go about finding people to play this out? We are both in positions where we would not like to be seen or connected to the scene close to home, which is why we would not share our actual home town publicly or would consider going to meetings near by. At least for now.
  2. I’ve been looking for German forums or websites and could not find any even that were active and well moderated. I also could not find a good and active German reddit, but maybe I’m just bad at searching? I’m mainly looking for good moderation and strict rules. I have not put *** into fetlife because on first glance it did not seem like a good fit. Any pointers on how and where to look would be greatly appreciated. English as a main language would be a plus, because we use it as our main play language and frankly German really does not sound sexy  to us 
  3. Any suggestions on events or meets that might be worth a weekend trip that would be beginner friendly?
  4. Anyone have any experience on this kind of play and tips on how to move forward?
  5. Is there any literature on people actually developing a BDSM relationship (not fictional, more like documented events). Maybe even in a context of a longer married couple with kids in a rural/outskirts of town area? I’m about to document our journey mainly for ourself but I would read about juggling jobs, marriage, 4 kids and everything that comes along with it, still aiming to squeeze in as much kink as possible.
  6. Should I have put this into smaller questions? I know this is a lot and I feel like I could go on. Sorry!

Thank you for reading if you did <3. Any feedback will be highly appreciated.

Tldr; Unexperienced (in interaction with others) married couple (38f, 40m) looking for information on how to find play partners and info about meets in Germany to dip our toes into hotwifeing and sharing. No sex for now, just baby steps. Origin story in long post.

I think fetlife is probably the best resource for finding local clubs and events, but use them as a start point to network with people who you will befriend and later develop into more. There are events (such as clothed men, naked women ones that are safe and fun). Otherwise, I would go with the swinger sites. there's a lot more people on them and you'd be surprised how many would be interested in the hotwife scenario. However, those sites are a horrorfest of horny men just wanting instant gratification. So you make anm ad about sharing your wife and insist on them talking to you as a couple and that will weed out many who just want the wife by herself. You will certainly find many serious couples eager to help your fantasy there, biut as always, you'll have to put some work in to find and connect with the right ones. If your wife is apprehensive about this, there is then the option of a couple joining you - the two females performing as you and the other man watch. Its way to begin, perhaps.
Fetlife 100% is definitely your better step at getting everything you need. I find this site is more for hookups. But fetlife has given me a wealth of knowledge and answers and as you said you want to spend time getting to know a person first. Fetlifers are more open to that in every aspect of all kinks.

Good luck

see - fetlife isn't as popular or comprehensive in Germany.  It's not as big a player outside English speaking countries. 


I almost figured as much. I will try to come up with a shorter german version of this post and try on the german version of this site also, but mainly look into fetlife again. I did look around there and the english groups are quite comprehensive. 

Thanks for responding ❤️

For anyone coming across this that has insides on how to approach this, tips for the actual meeting with potential partners, etc I would apriciate you reaching out. See, anyone helping out here would be helping to have one more hotwife out there 😜.

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