Interpreting hints

[Nocturne]

I haven't had contact with my last close sub that I would deem meaningful in about half a year. There were a few messages that were exchanged, but they lacked substance. I had broken up the romantic/sexual partnership we had started soon before then and hoped that things may go back to what was normal for us, we both agreed about wanting to break up, and nothing meaningful to us would have changed, yet still in contact I noticed a difference. It was subtle at first, but contact seemed to become increasingly avoidant, brief and disengaged. I tried to fix this, but due to a lack of engagement from their side, I stopped trying to reach out and left the next move to them. This was extremely difficult for me, given I had, and still have, a deep emotional attachment to this sub. I felt more understood by them than by possibly any other person I had known, and while it was difficult to let down my barriers, I put in the effort to do so, only to feel that that effort was in vain when me not continuing in reaching out, which ended in me feeling ignored and hurt, resulted in them not initiating contact at all. I accepted that they likely moved on and went on with my life. However, the past week I have noticed that they have been observing my social media, I made a post vaguely referencing that and it happened again within the span of an hour, which made me feel compelled to reach out. But then again, it has been half a year, with no effort from their side and the only signs of their existence that I would see being that I could see when they looked at my profile and the music they listened to. I've tried to let this go, but due to how this connection felt more special than any connection I had previously encountered, I feel the urge to grant a second chance.

What I would like most is clarity; I'd like for them to explain their side of the story so I understand where I might have misunderstood them. I'd like to be able to explain what I went through the past half year or so, so that they can empathise with how their actions affected me, given it was one of the more troubling life events I have gone through, and considering my history, that says a lot. I do not cope well with what feels like abandonment or betrayal, so understanding what caused those feelings of mine to be triggered would heal me. Yet I also cannot expect any response or clarity if I do reach out. Losing one of the people that made me feel understood has resulted in me feeling deeply misunderstood by the people who care about me when I try to talk about these feelings with them, so I wanted to hear the opinion of people here.

Between the emotional and kinky intimacy, I felt at ease and safe with this person, hence the deep wounds that this loss gave me.

TL;DR: I would like some advice, if anyone is willing to give any, on a situation where I'm getting notifications about my former sub looking at my profile, given I would like to reach out and ask what this is all about, but don't want to cause emotional turmoil for myself or for them. I recommend reading the full version, given this feels like a TL;DR of a TL;DR.

Either way, have a great day/evening, wishing everyone the best.

[Deleted Member]

I feel for you. I’ve recently experienced something similar, but not the same. It’s ***ful, especially when you’re invested and they’re seeming to give you the cold shoulder. This is why it’s important to be involved with people who are transparent, communicative and honest. I don’t have amazing advice other than for you to speak your mind to them, encourage them to speak there’s and decide together how to move forward and what that would look like. At the same time everyone has autonomy… you will need to figure out exactly what you want and need, if they can’t meet you half way, get the courage to walk away otherwise you will continue to get hurt.

[ok****]

I would just move on and forget about them. What would reaching out do? I understand closure, but do you feel as if you didn’t try? From your post it sounds like you tried to rekindle the dynamic and then once it broke off they dropped you entirely. Would a person who disregard you, your effort, and your feelings really give you a reason that makes sense/gives you closure.

I think this time could be spent on healing yourself and finding a new sub when you are ready for it.

Just my advice.

[Mi****]

What kind of contract were you hoping would continue? I’m not sure I understand. You wrote that you broke up the romantic/sexual partnership and then did nothing meaningful would have changed. What was the nature of your relationship without the romantic/sexual component? Friends?

[AKA_Copper]

This may come across as somewhat harsh but what I'm reading is that you ended a relationship or at least the romantic/sexual aspects of it for...it's not clear. But, when they've disengaged you've become regretful/upset?
.
The language you've used is interesting, "betrayal" "grant (them) a second chance." You want them to "empathise" with you. You want them to provide you with "clarity."
You're unlikely to get that but what's going to change if you do?
.
Here's my take, if I was dating someone and they initiated the end of the relationship, no matter what, I'd be accepting of it. There's no point in questioning etc because a relationship of any description takes two people. If one's checked out, it's the end no matter my wants. I'd need a clean cut. I'd need time to lick my wounds and put myself back together. Continuing to communicate with that person would be hurtful to me and I need to protect my own heart.
.
Sometime's I have the urge to check out the social media's of my past relationships. There's nothing in it other than mild intrigue as to how they are/what they're up to. I wouldn't read anything into a few profile views.
.
The end of what appears to be a good relationship is always hard and it takes time to grieve and get over that loss.

[Mi****]

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but it sounds like you have a slight problem with effective communication. You ended it with them because of a perceived lack of interest from them. It sounds like a lack of confidence on your end as well. Rather than attempting to manipulate them into reaching out to you, why did you not just express your concerns? You need to take ownership for your own mistakes. As for the profile views, just let it go. As has been said here, I even occasionally check the socials of exes just out of mild curiosity- not out of any interest in rekindling the relationship. Move on.

[An****]

Fuck the noise.
-
They felt too safe and pinned. Only when females feel ***&disposable are they loyal.
-
She is treating you as her backup nigger.
-
Move on, showing you are better. Next time, DO NOT BE MONOGAMOUS!!!!!
-
Invest in yourself and leave her to dry. If necessary, seek a therapist.

[Mi****]

13 minutes ago, Andro*** said:

Fuck the noise.
-
They felt too safe and pinned. Only when females feel ***&disposable are they loyal.
-
She is treating you as her backup nigger.
-
Move on, showing you are better. Next time, DO NOT BE MONOGAMOUS!!!!!
-
Invest in yourself and leave her to dry. If necessary, seek a therapist.

Woah dude, no.

[Sm****]

Like what others here have said, it seems you’re much more emotionally invested in this sub than the sub is in you. It works in movies, but generally in real life it means no dice. Some online communities would call this “one-itis” and others might call it “needy-sounding.”
.
The healthiest thing for you to do would be to meet more subs and find one you connect with even better, in a different way, who feels the same for you as you do for the sub.
.
Feel free to send a feeler text, but crush all your hopes and expectations before sending it. Send it as if it is to a void from which no response will return.

[Nocturne]

9 hours ago, TenderButterfly said:

I feel for you. I’ve recently experienced something similar, but not the same. It’s ***ful, especially when you’re invested and they’re seeming to give you the cold shoulder. This is why it’s important to be involved with people who are transparent, communicative and honest. I don’t have amazing advice other than for you to speak your mind to them, encourage them to speak there’s and decide together how to move forward and what that would look like. At the same time everyone has autonomy… you will need to figure out exactly what you want and need, if they can’t meet you half way, get the courage to walk away otherwise you will continue to get hurt.

Yes, I agree. I felt they were communicative and honest when we were together, but then they got distant. Personally I suspect it might have been their reaction to feeling like things were getting more serious, I believe they may have some avoidant tendencies, especially when it comes to me. We both acknowledged that we had something that we experienced as extremely special at the time, so I might take you up on the taking to see what they're trying to communicate and walk away if I think it will only hurt me again. 

[Nocturne]

8 hours ago, ok-mind4149 said:

I would just move on and forget about them. What would reaching out do? I understand closure, but do you feel as if you didn’t try? From your post it sounds like you tried to rekindle the dynamic and then once it broke off they dropped you entirely. Would a person who disregard you, your effort, and your feelings really give you a reason that makes sense/gives you closure.

I think this time could be spent on healing yourself and finding a new sub when you are ready for it.

Just my advice.

I tried, but left the reaching out to them when it all turned into 'ok' and thumbs up emojis. We called one last time, for 15 minutes, in my hurry to talk about things in their limited timeframe I got injured, that's how invested I was in getting to a place of understanding. I don't know whether they would react differently now, but considering I keep on getting notifications of them looking at my page, this makes me feel like they want to give some clarity. Or receive some, if they feel similarly as if they didn't understand my POV.

The past half a year I've been spending time healing from this loss, with no shortage of snide comments from those close to me about this person, my caring about this person despite getting hurt by losing them, and how long it is taking me to move past it.

In a way, if I reach out now and I see them disregard me again, I may actually become capable of feeling some anger rather than hurt, which for me would mean that I'd have an easier time moving on regardless of understanding what happened. In my mind, if I get angry I don't need to express it, but it does help me feel a greater emotional distance from whoever caused me the hurt. 

Thank you for the advice! I'll keep everything said here in consideration. 

[Nocturne]

9 hours ago, MinnesotaMinx said:

What kind of contract were you hoping would continue? I’m not sure I understand. You wrote that you broke up the romantic/sexual partnership and then did nothing meaningful would have changed. What was the nature of your relationship without the romantic/sexual component? Friends?

I understand that that was unclear, I'll explain. The closest colloquial term I can think of to describe what we had in a way that others might relate to would be friends with benefits, though the benefit would be greater emotional intimacy and BDSM. The type of BDSM we did was, to me, uniquely intimate. I think they would have agreed on that statement. In an ideal scenario from this point in time, we would talk, come to understand each other, and they would become a friend of mine, with no benefits or chance thereof until I feel truly healed from the loss I experienced. But what I miss the most is the emotional side of things, which was just part of the friendship we shared.

[Nocturne]

8 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

This may come across as somewhat harsh but what I'm reading is that you ended a relationship or at least the romantic/sexual aspects of it for...it's not clear. But, when they've disengaged you've become regretful/upset?
.
The language you've used is interesting, "betrayal" "grant (them) a second chance." You want them to "empathise" with you. You want them to provide you with "clarity."
You're unlikely to get that but what's going to change if you do?
.
Here's my take, if I was dating someone and they initiated the end of the relationship, no matter what, I'd be accepting of it. There's no point in questioning etc because a relationship of any description takes two people. If one's checked out, it's the end no matter my wants. I'd need a clean cut. I'd need time to lick my wounds and put myself back together. Continuing to communicate with that person would be hurtful to me and I need to protect my own heart.
.
Sometime's I have the urge to check out the social media's of my past relationships. There's nothing in it other than mild intrigue as to how they are/what they're up to. I wouldn't read anything into a few profile views.
.
The end of what appears to be a good relationship is always hard and it takes time to grieve and get over that loss.

 

That makes sense, I was mostly trying to keep my post brief but I see that that caused it to lack context that would make it more logical to others. I broke off the relationship because they were not talking to me, and if they were the response was most likely to be an 'ok'. This was hurtful to me, so eventually I said that we should bring things back to what they were, which I also expanded on in my response to the previous question from MinnesotaMinx. They said they had been intending to end the romantic/sexual part of the relationship for some time but didn't know how to phrase it and wanted to talk about it IRL, despite there being no opportunity for us to do so anytime soon, so I was essentially kept in the dark about what they were thinking about the relationship indefinitely, which was hurtful to me. 

If I got clarity, I would get a feeling of closure, which depending on them would either result in an amicable ending of a friendship or the start of a new friendship between us. 

I also understand the urge to look at an exes profile, though personally I was surprised that they looked at mine so many months later, considering I thought things ended because they weren't interested in the relationship and after that stopped replying in general. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

[Nocturne]

6 hours ago, MidnightMoose said:

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but it sounds like you have a slight problem with effective communication. You ended it with them because of a perceived lack of interest from them. It sounds like a lack of confidence on your end as well. Rather than attempting to manipulate them into reaching out to you, why did you not just express your concerns? You need to take ownership for your own mistakes. As for the profile views, just let it go. As has been said here, I even occasionally check the socials of exes just out of mild curiosity- not out of any interest in rekindling the relationship. Move on.

That's fair, though I am not attempting to manipulate them into reaching out to me. I ended it with them because at that time I was in a period of insecurity and felt hurt by their brief replies over the span of weeks. Our communication was quite good before that point, so this change was confusing to me. It's a tricky situation, and though I'm not sure exactly which of my mistakes I should now take ownership of, it's something I do keep in mind, I'll keep your advice in mind.

Thanks for sharing. 

[Nocturne]

4 hours ago, Smore_Cracker said:

Like what others here have said, it seems you’re much more emotionally invested in this sub than the sub is in you. It works in movies, but generally in real life it means no dice. Some online communities would call this “one-itis” and others might call it “needy-sounding.”
.
The healthiest thing for you to do would be to meet more subs and find one you connect with even better, in a different way, who feels the same for you as you do for the sub.
.
Feel free to send a feeler text, but crush all your hopes and expectations before sending it. Send it as if it is to a void from which no response will return.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I think I might think of whether there's anything worth sending into the void of their inbox. I've come to view their inbox as a view months ago, so maybe it will be easier.