Dealing with jealousy

[BB****]

I’m having trouble accepting the new poly dynamic with my partner. With my previous partners this was what i wanted. In the beginning , we BOTH want to explore the lifestyle, but SHE wanted to be exclusive & i agreed.

I find myself wanting to be exclusive now & she’s already found someone to have sex with & it is eating me up inside. I don’t know if i can stay around for this! Emotionally it is wearing on me and I don’t know what to do about it.

I have talked to her & expressed how i feel, but she’s “enjoying what she’s doing now”. It honestly makes me want to hide under a rock. I’m even more surprised that I’m feeling insecure about this because i haven’t had these feelings before!

[Deleted Member]

I so understand the emotional *** . My Mistress who passed a few years ago , we where one , even to point of getting married. She fell hard for a playmate and as a submissive who thought to put my own feelings aside for her ultimate joy suggested her taking her in . She loved it , I wound up in a reduced role and would often curl up in a ball keeping it to myself the *** . So , for you expressing it and being aware can be a positive thing and have that conversation that can lead to better things for you . All the best .

[Mi****]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Jealousy is rough. It may help to identify the source of your feelings? Are you worried she will leave you for the other person? Do you feel like she’s not spending enough time with you? Are the two of them doing things you want to be doing with her?
If you can identify what the primary cause of your jealousy is, maybe you can work together to reduce that discomfort.

[Da****]

It really sucks when you want to totally commit, but your partner doesn't. If I might suggest, talk to your partner and see if you can work it out . If you can't, you may need to consider a different partner.

[IdkIJustRlyLoveFeet]

Gotta go with your heart/gut, you want one thing and she wants another. The answer is already there in front of you.

[jo****]

This is generally the case with poly relationships, someone is always left wanting the person to themselves. Humans are innately monogamous

[Deleted Member]

As someone who is actually poly, it's completely normal to feel jealousy ESPECIALLY when there's a big dynamic shift. Often times, it points to a need that needs to be fulfilled. Maybe ask "what am I so afraid of?" Is it losing control? Do you feel insecure/less than the other person in some way? Do you need more quality time with your partner?

[Ph****]

As someone who is poly. I always have to sit down and ask myself in New and old dynamics "why do I feel this way?" What's making me jealous? The answer is always different depending on the person. Do you feel secure in your relationship? Heard? Communication? It works both ways. You have to feel secure and the other person can't make you feel insecure. Once the breakdown happens and communication and listening to one and other falls is really hard to gain that line of trust back

[si****]

Sometimes being in or outside the dynamic can be the difference between jealousy. From my experience anyway. I was cool with my Goddess having sex with someone else but when she got involved with the vanilla guy she is with now😕
She got private about their activities. He didn't even know about me until our dynamic had already changed.
That is just my experience. I think open honesty and a level of inclusiveness is necessary

[do****]

Yea honestly been is that exact position. Once you open that door seems like you can never really close it, because they know it’s on the table they just gotta convince or bribe.

This may suck to say but sounds like you already have your answer doesn’t matter if it’s lust or love or fun that they are wanting poly. There happy you’ll never have mono with this person anytime soon there gonna do till that dies and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Then if you say don’t like it and they basically say o well she likes it now that’s not scary respectful to you. Even if they agree they’ll have urge then you gotta worry about cheating. Honestly walk away get ur mental state right work on you. if she values you and your worth it to her she will come around. If not you know where you stand.

It sounds like you voiced that your hating this and she more less told you o well. So no respect and one sided at this point. I mean did she even try convincing you your wanted anything. Consider all that because if not I would leave for your mental state. If someone doesn’t respect you and you let slide it gets worse

[Ta****]

Poly relationships are hard. If you can't have effective communication and establish/reestablish boundaries, it probably won't work. Best advice I can offer is to reestablish trust with your self and your feelings. Then, you can decide how best to move forward.

[dL****]

My advice is revenge body the situation. It’ll boost your confidence and your OPTIONS. When your OPTIONS widens your partner
will shift to you, but I’m not sure if you’ll be around. If your partners doesn’t come quick and focus more quickly it’s probably to make ya move.

[Seeknwifencucks]

I deal with A LOT OF COUPLES communication and mutual respect set boundaries and stick with them monthly sit down with primary partner discuss EVERYTHING good bad and ugly modifying rules if needed

[Tr****]

I never considered myself a jealous person, at least up until jealousy just happened. It made me sick to my stomach, ready to lash out in anger and burst into tears all at the same time. It's your mind telling you that you do not accept this, and you never will. You can fight it all you want, but it will only get worse from where it sounds like you're at. You may feel the *** of losing your current partner, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to how it will be if you go against what you're feeling. We use logic to keep our emotions in check, but sometimes our emotions warn us when our logic refuses to acknowledge the truth. If you've already tried to communicate, then walk away without a word. You've done your part, and if they chase you'll have your answer either way. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve to be happy. I wish you the best.

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Seeknwifencucks said:

I deal with A LOT OF COUPLES communication and mutual respect set boundaries and stick with them monthly sit down with primary partner discuss EVERYTHING good bad and ugly modifying rules if needed

What are some of these boundaries and rules? Can you give some examples? In terms of setting rules, wouldn't this be discouraged to avoid restricting or controlling the other person?

[Mi****]

50 minutes ago, LunaMaeve said:

What are some of these boundaries and rules? Can you give some examples? In terms of setting rules, wouldn't this be discouraged to avoid restricting or controlling the other person?

I agree that rules are to be discouraged. But boundaries are important. PolyAmFam on YouTube does a good job of explaining the difference. He also has a video about jealousy that I found really helpful.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, MinnesotaMinx said:

I agree that rules are to be discouraged. But boundaries are important. PolyAmFam on YouTube does a good job of explaining the difference. He also has a video about jealousy that I found really helpful.

Thanks for this, I will look them up. I'm curious to learn how people deal with jealousy, attachments and other emotions that can crop up in poly relationships

[Mi****]

1 hour ago, LunaMaeve said:

Thanks for this, I will look them up. I'm curious to learn how people deal with jealousy, attachments and other emotions that can crop up in poly relationships

Remodeled Love has some good stuff too. I found them on Instagram. I’m starting to read the book “Polysecure” which looks at attachment styles and ethical non-monogamy.

[BB****]

I appreciate all of your guys feedback! I’ll definitely look into these suggestions. I’m not saying i never wanted this, hell 3 months ago i did , but something changed with us & now i want her to myself. I have a lot of things to start with as far as finding out why i even feel this way. And if i want to stay. Revenge body sounds like where im at, but im going to do it because i actually did & do want to try the lifestyle. Atp i think it’s just not with her. But as long as im here i think we at least need to communicate more about it

[Mi****]

4 hours ago, BBWGoddess_ said:

I appreciate all of your guys feedback! I’ll definitely look into these suggestions. I’m not saying i never wanted this, hell 3 months ago i did , but something changed with us & now i want her to myself. I have a lot of things to start with as far as finding out why i even feel this way. And if i want to stay. Revenge body sounds like where im at, but im going to do it because i actually did & do want to try the lifestyle. Atp i think it’s just not with her. But as long as im here i think we at least need to communicate more about it

More communication is almost always a good thing.

[wn****]

I would ask myself: what do I need? What need is going unfulfilled that I think having her all to myself will fill? Will it truly fill that need? Can that need be satisfied in a different way? Also, how are you spending that time when you know she's away? Are you taking time for yourself? Are you having enough "me time" to remind yourself of your self worth seperate from her?

[BB****]

Omg! Thank you! I’m going to sit down & take time to think of all these questions.

[Deleted Member]

Poly relationships will only work properly if all if the partners are engaged in the relationship.

A= you / b=meta / c= new

A, b = sleep, sex, go out
A, c = sleep, sex, go out
B, c = sleep, sex, go out
A,b,c = sleep, sex, go out
All three sleep alone and go out alone

[da****]

In my opinion if she's not willing to respect how you feel and take that into consideration then just leave. I know it's not going to be easy it never is but if you have told her that you don't like something and instead of acknowledging that you even said anything she doesn't care nor respect you.

On the other hand poly relationships are well easy but not easy. You don't sleep together and you never go out together. It's always alone. Yes it's a difficult one when you start feeling for the other to a extreme that you get jealous but remember jealousy is nothing good in a relationship. It can destroy it. If one isn't into it anymore but the other is comfortable then you and your partner need to come to terms that you guys have grown apart before you destroy each other

[BB****]

I left her y’all!