If you just…smiled

[Se****]

Leaving work in the early hours of the morning on Monday I logged onto this site and scrolled through my newsfeed. I came across a comment on someone’s image that seemed innocuous enough but it caught me off guard and actually had an effect on me.

I need to state in advance that I have no idea if the owner of the image took offence to or was annoyed by the comment - this writing is merely about my feelings.

The person who commented went out of their way to make, what could be construed as, a negative comment on this image that was at best selfish and at worst rude. Whilst what they said may have been intended in a positive way it was completely unnecessary.

Believe it or not the comment was simply (and I paraphrase for anonymity):

”You’d be stunning, if you just smiled.”

 This poses two questions for me:

1/ what right do you have to tell someone to change an image for your benefit or to fit your idealistic view of what is/isn’t acceptable?

2/ why do we, as as a society, deem it ok to tell people how they can be better without being asked for help or advice. (Yes, I get that that is kind of what I’m doing with this writing - the irony!)

Comments such as the one made by this person can have a very negative effect on people and the way they view themselves. Wouldn’t it be nicer if one feels the urge to comment to say something positive? And if you are unwilling or unable to do so then keep scrolling.

I’ve been exceptionally fortunate on sites like this that I’ve not really received comments like this one nor have I received outright offensive comments. For a fat lass with huge body confidence issues this has been a revelation and massively helped me to learn to accept compliments and appreciate that perhaps my body isn’t as disgusting as I often believe it to be.

None of us know what work has gone in to bring able to take and upload an image. One assumes that the majority of people only post images that they feel somewhat comfortable with ergo you telling them how to change or make it better for YOUR satisfaction really isn’t ok.

Perhaps, just perhaps, the person has posted the EXACT image they wanted to. They don’t need (unless they’ve asked) you to tell them they should smile, lose weight, wear/not wear x, y or z, show x body part etc, etc. 

I honestly don’t know why this comment grated so much - perhaps it was the sense of entitlement I felt the commenter exuded (my perception) or maybe I simply have crazy issues who knows.

The world can be a miserable enough place for many, many people - let’s all please try a little positivity and kindness. Our words sometimes have the ability to make or break a person.

Love,

X

[Do****]

The "Mona Lisa" comes to mind, the enigmatic smile. Perhaps taking a deeper look would prevent such ignorance and stupidity. If you have nothing good to say, say nothing is a good start.

[gi****]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. Body shaming, negging, and all of the things that go along with it have real, long term effects on people. The telling a woman she needs to smile is toxic. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

[Deleted Member]

People who are empty make such comments and ignoring them is the best way. Don't bother about idiots

[ge****]

It's akin to the "smile it may never happen" type comments that are made out in the world - yet the people stating it don't know what's been going on in that person's life - at best it's presumptuous and as you suggest FD at worst it's rude.
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When taking pics for sites like this I quite often forget about facial expressions as I'm concentrating on the rest of the pic, which is why I rarely show parts of my face in those pics, usually cropping to remove them - invariably I'm gurning or worse.
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Either way I hate being told to smile, and one of the reasons being when I am and I try it always feels so false.

[Pe****]

Please note that below I am playing devil’s advocate and I strongly agree with the original post here.

Sadly this comment falls in line with some of the personalities this app attracts. It’s a subtle form of dominance and control which is exactly what a lot of Dom/Sub interaction is based on. The difference is that this comment wasn’t consensual of course. I’m not trying to excuse the comment but I could reason that the person was trying to convey a Dom persona with the comment in the hope that it led to a sub reaction from the woman. I.e. He’s hoping that the comment IS something she wants.

[Se****]

2 hours ago, Peame7 said:

Please note that below I am playing devil’s advocate and I strongly agree with the original post here.

Sadly this comment falls in line with some of the personalities this app attracts. It’s a subtle form of dominance and control which is exactly what a lot of Dom/Sub interaction is based on. The difference is that this comment wasn’t consensual of course. I’m not trying to excuse the comment but I could reason that the person was trying to convey a Dom persona with the comment in the hope that it led to a sub reaction from the woman. I.e. He’s hoping that the comment IS something she wants.

See, this is exactly why I love being able to write and express my thoughts on sites like this - new perspectives.

 This idea isn’t actually something that had crossed my mind and it is a very good point - thank you. 

[Pe****]

13 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

See, this is exactly why I love being able to write and express my thoughts on sites like this - new perspectives.

 This idea isn’t actually something that had crossed my mind and it is a very good point - thank you. 

I’m glad you read my message that way, I was worried it would come across that I’m condoning that way of commenting.
Has to be noted that this is a VERY context dependent interpretation of the comment. In any other online space (or in real life too of course), the comment should rightfully be seen as toxic masculinity.

[ca****]

Maybe these could be directed to the writer of the comment:

 

....they'd be intelligent if they just had a bit more nous

.... they'd be intelligent if they just thought thru their words a bit more....

 

Doesn't solve anything just spins it in another direction...............!

 

[MasterDarcy1979]

I agree entirely with your post.

You are absolutely correct to be triggered by it.

However, it's the way of the world these days.

It comes in a few forms:

It can be individual and singular "critiques" like the one you just highlighted.

It can be mobs on social media bullying and giving unsolicited advice to mother's for their choice of feeding their infants. It could be mobs giving unsolicited advice about a stranger's choice of hairstyle or clothing, etc.

Then it gets more sinister,

Mobs band together to dictate what's appropriate in literature, in arts, etc.

Recently, the books of Roald Dahl. Beloved by generations of *** with the likes of "Charlie and the chelate factory", "the BFG , etc. They've made hundreds of edits to those iconic works of literature as the mob deems them to include trigger words and slurs.

The Oompa-Loompas are now no longer ‘titchy’ or ‘tiny’. Just ‘small’. They’ve also gone gender-neutral for good measure, with ‘small men’ swapped for ‘small people’. In The Witches, a line describing a witch posing as a ‘cashier in a supermarket or typing letters for a businessman’ now casts her as an aspirational girlboss, ‘working as a top scientist or running a business’.

I don't seem them going for the Bible. The Bible involves eating *** and killing people. It includes incest and bigotry, antisemitism, homophobia, stoning people to death, etc.

So, people are triggered by the word "fat" and "titchy" but there but they're totally cool with "So we boiled my son and ate him. Then the next day I said to her, 'Give up your son so we can eat him. ' But she had hidden him.”

How about in Leviticus 18:22 "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.".

Why doesn't that get edited? Because their mob is larger that the mob who is editing literature and dictating what is and what isn't appropriate.

It's easier going after ***'s literature and television shows than it is going after tales that Billions of people devoutly believe.

Long story less long, people just like to give unsolicited advice and dictate.

Or, it could be a case of the person making the comment clumsily trying to break the ice.

In terms of smiling. I never smile in photographs. I can't feign moods 

[AKA_Copper]

"Smile darling, it ain't that bad"
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Smiling should be natural, no-one should be obliged to plaster on a grin for the sake of someone else’s fragile ego. Being ornamental, happy and pretty with a smile on your face, is apparently much more important than expressing a view, displaying your intellectual prowess, or being allowed to control your own facial expressions.
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Being told to smile is on a spectrum of behaviour that normalises the idea that women’s bodies are public property (because I don't need to be told the genders of the person whose photo it was or the person commenting😏)
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I imagine if we all walked round with a smile on our face constantly our mental health would be commented on either that or we'd be called maniacal psychopaths.
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But, on that note, I'll end my comment with 😁😄😂🤣

[St****]

Find a hobby

[Se****]

8 minutes ago, Stepan331 said:

Find a hobby

I’m sorry, I don’t understand your comment. 

[MasterDarcy1979]

19 minutes ago, FatefulDestiny said:

I’m sorry, I don’t understand your comment. 

You don't? I do.

He's being a d*ck.

[Se****]

7 minutes ago, MasterDarcy1979 said:

You don't? I do.

He's being a d*ck.

Sorry, my sarcasm slipped into overdrive.

 Thank you though. 

[Ceejayuk]

Would you imagine that. A Troll being a D*ick. Well I never. I mean how dare you post expressing your opinions :p x