A_**** Posted January 10 Posted January 10 B - “Before we continue, I just want to make sure you understand I only play platonically, so no sex involved” Z - “Then we’re not compatible as play partners because I want a connection when I play” The above was an actual conversation had by my partner and a guy here on FL. The implication that connection can only occur if sex is involved says a lot about a person. Their goals. Their mentality for play. How they value people. And, ultimately, their own self-held value, and their potential to be sexual predators. Kink =/= sex If you take a Venn diagram of both kink and sex, then it is not a single circle. Not even close. There is intersection, but the two are not equal to one another. While sexual kink may be a preference, if your only goal from kink IS sex to occur, then it falls more inside the sex circle than the kink circle. If your intent is the kink itself, and sex may be a byproduct of such play, then it falls more inside the kink circle than the sex circle. This was meant to be about connection, so what’s your point? I’m getting there… Someone’s intentions tell you much about what they care about. If they care about sex, enough to make it a deal breaker if it is off the cards, then they’re saying they treasure their sex more than the other person. They don’t care about the other’s needs, unless totally aligning with theirs, and only care for meeting their own. A very one sided demand. This is the extreme of the spectrum, with someone who demands payment in flesh for their time. Their priority is sex. Litmus test; Will they still agree to play with you if sex is temporarily off the table, or do they “pause” until you’re dtf again? Connection?!? Ok, Ok… We all wear masks in our daily lives. We wear one for work, one at social events, and multiple others for different occasions. When we connect with someone, are we connecting with a mask? If we are connecting with a mask, is it really a connection? I’ll give you a moment to give it some thought. To me, connection, and I mean significant and deep connection, occurs when I’m with someone and ALL of their masks are off. They’re at their most *** and feeling safe in doing so with me. I get to see them for who they truly are, “warts and all”. It’s at this point in a dynamic/relationship where I feel the most comfortable. THAT is why I seek connection, and my goal is CONNECTION. Not sex. Not posturing. Not community peacocking. I want a deep connection with another human. So, why is sex not connecting? Do we not wear masks with our partners? While we get to know them and feel more comfortable around them. To mask our insecurities and what we might think would detract them from us. Sex does not guarantee connection. Especially so if it’s a requirement in order to play. It’s a cost that is paid, and do we really ever “connect” with a “customer”? If you value connection but expect it from sex, that’s likely something you need to work up to after earning trust and providing a safe and understanding space for their vulnerabilities. Otherwise, you’re just interested in sex, not connection. From my FL writing.
Ve**** Posted January 14 Posted January 14 Exactly. The coveted connection is better than sex. Not everyone is capable or worthy or deserving of connection.
london250490 Posted January 14 Posted January 14 Very beautifully written. If only more people shared this understanding the world would be a much better place.
VILKDUJA Posted January 14 Posted January 14 That confirms that there are many, the majority of whom are guys, who quite simply have no place within the community & really should not be here; mainly because of their inability to comprehend the difference between a kink or fetish site & a sex site; the definition of what "kink" & "fetish" actually is; as well of course, as has been mentioned already, their inability to be able to grasp the concept of a connection very much being possible without sex being involved. In fact, in any true connection, sex should be the least important or relevant of the determining factors in any connection.
arcticdoll Posted January 14 Posted January 14 This resonates. I get shit on because I post spicy pics and am looking for what some consider "extreme" activities. This __MUST MEAN__ that I want randos to send me their dicks and repugnant disrespectful messages because "what else should I expect by posting that?"
Ve**** Posted January 14 Posted January 14 5 minutes ago, arcticdoll said: This resonates. I get shit on because I post spicy pics and am looking for what some consider "extreme" activities. This __MUST MEAN__ that I want randos to send me their dicks and repugnant disrespectful messages because "what else should I expect by posting that?" Don’t you accept that for one minute. These bozos don’t get to turn it around and blame their lack of consideration and seeking of consent on us!
arcticdoll Posted January 14 Posted January 14 1 hour ago, Velicious said: Don’t you accept that for one minute. These bozos don’t get to turn it around and blame their lack of consideration and seeking of consent on us! Oh I absolutely don't. I tell them to go fuck themselves. It's just.... so pervasive.
Deleted Member Posted January 15 Posted January 15 The guy stated his preference politely. He'd like 'play' whatever that involves, to not be platonic. Was there more that he said for you to write an essay on a single sentence of his?
Ki**** Posted January 16 Posted January 16 I ONLY do Ds with emotional connection and I want sex. Touch is my love language. Having that connection makes me want sex, and I would not want to get involved with someone who didn’t, man or woman. I might word it better than that person did but I prefer to be upfront and not waste time. That doesn’t make me a skeezy guy who doesn’t belong here, or any kind of sexual predator. It simply means the two weren’t a match and to move on.
Ve**** Posted January 16 Posted January 16 I want sex, too. But there’s so much more available to us with connection and trust.
sk**** Posted January 17 Posted January 17 Monday at 01:08 AM, inconceivable said: The guy stated his preference politely. He'd like 'play' whatever that involves, to not be platonic. Was there more that he said for you to write an essay on a single sentence of his? Can I try?!
Ve**** Posted January 21 Posted January 21 January 15, inconceivable said: The guy stated his preference politely. He'd like 'play' whatever that involves, to not be platonic. Was there more that he said for you to write an essay on a single sentence of his? Who areyou addressing? Gawd, I am all ready wearing your hardheaded and abrasive way of relating. It’s so unpleasant.
Deleted Member Posted January 21 Posted January 21 3 hours ago, Velicious said: Who areyou addressing? Gawd, I am all ready wearing your hardheaded and abrasive way of relating. It’s so unpleasant. I'm addressing the OP. I'm sorry you have trouble understanding these things.
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