What do I want…for my daughter?

[YorkshireBiker]

I personally think kink, sexual health, wants, likes, limits, and all other aspects of our sexual selves should be talked about in the same way one would talk about cars, decorating, gardening, or other part of life which people are comfortable to just chat about, in any capacity no matter what the surroundings. 

My partner on the other hand doesn’t really like to talk about this side of life (a separate issue and not the subject of this post) so this leaves me with an uncertainty about something.

Which one of us is ‘correct’ so what should we teach our kids? I want my daughter to grow up feeling strong and confident enough to know sex and relationships need to be talked about and I want her to know that whatever she feels and decides in the future is fine. As a dad, I would feel really awkward talking to a *** about this but should I? Should I be able to give her help and guidance so when the time comes, she knows how to look after herself, be confident enough to openly say where she stands, and not take shit from anyone? 

Has anyone deal with this? I want her to know she can come to me with anything and not be embarrassed by whatever is going on in her life. Maybe I’m overthinking this. 

[FETMOD-BD]

Assuming that the daughter is over the age of consent I've allowed this post to go through -  please keep the discussion respectful. 

[CopperKnob]

think both parents have a role to play, both mother and father. Any child needs at least one person where they're reveing information and not rely on Cosmo.
I also think that there's a lot to be said about modelling behaviours eg show her how she should expect to be loved and treated by a partner in how you love and treat your wife. Don’t tolerate bad or inappropriate behaviour within your friendship group/calling it out infront of her when you see it. Discussing how to discern real friendship amongst her peers will follow through into her intimate relationships.
Whilst it would be nice for you to speak with her about intimate relationships, sexual health and sexual activity, I also feel it needs to be built up to and so maybe the above would be a good place to start.
It might he that you find some resources online and sharing the link or watching it together then discussing both of your thoughts?
I say the above without making assumptions re the relationship you already have with her.

[KW****]

What you are talking about is normally taught in school and they reassure kids in schools to come to them or carers/ parents so maybe if she goes to school she will be taught this already 👍🏽

[no****]

I'm not a father, but if I were, I would definitely be very matter of fact about sex, consent, and sexual health, and say that sex isn't one dimensional, but how they want to explore their sex life is personal to them, and shouldn't feel ***d or pressured to be a certain way.

 

[ma****]

This is a great topic. As a mother of a daughter, I want my daughter to be brave, confident and to stand up for herself. Whatever else she wants, I'll support her providing that it doesn't mean harming others. When it comes to sex, I always answer to my daughter's questions regardless if they are sexual or not. I think that, if children (regardless their age) have sex related questions for us, we should be honest with them and be confident talking about it. We should tell them that sex isn't something to be ashameful of. My daughter might not want to be kinky like me and that's fine, but I want her to understand that people are different and to respect others for their needs, wants the same as she'd expect others to respect her as well. I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer in regards to how or when we choose to answer to our children's enquiries about sex. As one of five ***s (all five being different, some very kinky... some very vanilla), I've grown to accept that we, kinky, aren't better than vanilla ones and to accept and respect that we are different and have different parental approaches when it comes to sex discussions.

[CopperKnob]

4 minutes ago, KW205 said:

What you are talking about is normally taught in school and they reassure kids in schools to come to them or carers/ parents so maybe if she goes to school she will be taught this already 👍🏽

I think that's very dependent upon location. Sex Ed in England is notoriously poor and again it will vary school to school. I'm also not of the view that we should be relying on the education system to provide all education.

[Ar****]

Excellent post/topic.

When I was in my late ***s and started going to my local fetish club, I did find it a little bit "TMI" when I learned that my Dad and stepmum used to attend it.

I agree with you, I think it's a topic which should be on the table - if our children want to learn, of course. I seem to have several friends who think similarly too, I certainly know of some who have helped their progeny through the beginnings of their kink journey.

Thing is, neither of you is "correct", in that sense. You aren't. Your partner isn't. And nobody who comments here will be either (including me), because whatever is right for your daughter has to be something to work out together. You might agree on what to do and still get it wrong... but it isn't ever going to be a case of one of you has the right approach and the other doesn't. 

Your partner might not feel comfortable talking about these sorts of things, but they can't be run away from. The two of you need to keep your own dialogue going, continue to understand where the other is coming from, and find where you meet in the middle. That's where you'll find a better idea of the "correct" thing to do, coming from a place where you are unified.

Wishing you the very best of luck.

[YorkshireBiker]

We do have a good relationship and I can’t re being taught much about this at school. I kept a lot of myself hidden away from my partner due to insecurity and feeling shamed for wanting more than vanilla - I don’t want her to make the same mistake if she should feel that way too. 

[ki****]

Just be the best parents you can be; creating a nurturing and loving environment where she feels always accepted, loved and welcome. That way, if she needs you for anything, there’ll be no hesitation in her reaching out. Just as you are here seeking experience, information, insight, etc, she is also capable of finding resources. I for sure wouldn’t want my parents knowing my likes, wants, limits.. so try not to make it weird if you end up bringing it up to her anyway.

[CopperKnob]

8 minutes ago, KW205 said:

What you are talking about is normally taught in school and they reassure kids in schools to come to them or carers/ parents so maybe if she goes to school she will be taught this already 👍🏽

I think k that's very dependent upon location. Sex Ed in England is notoriously poor and again it will vary between schools. I also don't feel that we should be relying on the education system when often the message is 'don't have sex'. Kids are going to have sex. They shouldn't be frightened of it but knowledgeable around consent, safety and being able to discuss anything with their trusted people.
Schools will typically have kids putting condoms on cucumbers and watching a video of someone giving birth. They don't even touch the surface.

[Deleted Member]

They don't tell you if you feel "differently" about what the "norm" is too be attracted to is ok. Schools just don't do that. They allow for lesbian and gay, but generally don't bring being Dominant or submissive into it. As long as your daughter is happy asking you questions about sex, then answer them honestly. Just not with too much detail. But assure her that her wants and needs are to be respected without question. Good luck 😊

[El****]

My friends, play partners, cousins, my submissive, colleagues or...someone's daughter.
I've experienced these humans and connected deeply only to find traumas from *** because there are only a few people like you who care enough and protect.

It requires courage to do what is right.

A simple, small lesson could prevent someone's daughter from being ***d and scarred for life.

*** is normalised and a majority of people who are distressed by this truth are the ones in the BDSM community.

[ge****]

Not overthinking it at all. Sexual literacy is just as important as social literacy, financial literacy, emotional literacy… it’s a huge part of a person’s life and has a direct impact on their quality of life throughout adulthood.
Addressing it all depends on the kind of relationship you have with your daughter. If you’ve not had an open, communicative relationship up to this point, then yeah, it’s probably going to be a little awkward, but there’s no time like the present to start developing an open, communicative relationship if you don’t already have one.

One thing I’ve found to be most helpful in getting my daughter to listen to what I have to say is to tell her *why* I’m broaching awkward topics with her… that *I* had to find my own way through these issues on my own (you don’t have to give gory details) and I don’t want her to have to deal with the same thing. That I want her to feel empowered to make the right choices for herself and to have the tools to do so.
And it’s not a conversation that needs to happen all at once… these are conversations that need to be woven into the fabric of daily life, to learn from and not just hear once… we learn over time and by example. Our kids don’t just wake up one day and find themselves in need of a battery of skills… the gain them as they need them, and ideally that’s the same way the conversations should unfold… as her life is unfolding.

[ma****]

9 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

I think that's very dependent upon location. Sex Ed in England is notoriously poor and again it will vary school to school. I'm also not of the view that we should be relying on the education system to provide all education.

My daughter's received good sex education from her current school and from her previous one too.

[Deleted Member]

I found that my daughter was quite reserved during her ***age years and didn't want to communicate with me. But I was able to encourage conversation between her and my *** with whom she had a great relationship to keep the conversation during that time. I would keep conversation open especially around boundaries. Encouraging her each time she named one with me and using it as an opportunity to discuss some of my own learnings when she was open to it. She is now 20 and we have great open conversation around relationships and sexuality.

[YorkshireBiker]

It takes a while to reply with comments being moderated. Thank you for the replies.

I’m glad I’m not coming across as strange with this one. There seems to be a lot of stigma around what a dad can discuss it’s theirs daughters. 

No father really wants to think that their daughter is doing anything with anyone and I do feel that, but I also understand that’s it’s simply inevitable and I want her to be as confident, comfortable, and prepared as possible. 

 

[Do****]

Yes to open communication about everything from periods to smoking but not about kinks. Kinks are personal and ***s/daughters are allowed to have their own things they can keep between them and eventual partners. Encourage awareness around consent, non judgement and feeling safe but talking about her/your kinks are a line that should not be crossed as a parent

[YorkshireBiker]

I’ve been giving this lots of though overnight and taking into account what others have said.  I don’t plan on talking about actual kinks or specific things with her.

She did go through what seemed to be a phase, of thinking she was Bi a while ago and she did tell me after a while so thinking about it, I’ve done something right if she already knows I’m there no matter what. 

[CopperKnob]

8 hours ago, YorkshireBiker said:

I’ve been giving this lots of though overnight and taking into account what others have said.  I don’t plan on talking about actual kinks or specific things with her.

She did go through what seemed to be a phase, of thinking she was Bi a while ago and she did tell me after a while so thinking about it, I’ve done something right if she already knows I’m there no matter what. 

Absolutely. General education re intimate relations is enough IMO unless she raises any specifics.

[Cu****]

At least you’ve created an atmosphere where she appears to feel that she can talk with you about what she feels she can safely disclose to you, because your approach is non-judgemental, and you’re treating her like the inquisitive individual that she is. Knowing that you’re always there to listen, and that you’ll give measured , considered advice, is a further helpful step in her ability to form her own opinions. Knowledge and information are bombarding from everywhere. The hard part is how to unravel and to make sense of it all. Having the ability to also gain a close , supportive, trusted, respected human response, as well as all the other avenues of information, is a reassurance to her that she is hopefully formulating her opinions on sound advice. Education is not just the prerogative of schools and unlike you, parents shouldn’t be quick to abdicate their responsibilities towards their own offspring’s personal development, when the subject gets tricky.

[Si****]

So i think both if y’all are correct imho. I think that she should know how to talk to a partner about sexual needs and how they should be addressed. But i’m assuming she’s young/in school, so I wouldnt want her to just go around bringing that shit up with every tom dick and harry, lest people get the wrong idea about her (that shes a floozy/an easy lay) Unless youre cool with all the baggage, stigma and social prejudices that comes with that label.

I think confidence and knowledge are both important, but seeing as youre there for her in a healthy way and present in her life; youre already doing an awesome job as a father. Whatever choice y’all make I’m sure she is going to turn out socially well-adjusted. so good jonn
[Note: i’m not condoning slut shaming btw, im just acknowledging that it happens, and it will continue to happen for a long time. Just like people being shamed for being frigid/prudish or virgins (as men)]

[Deleted Member]

Growing up it was extremely damaging to both be shamed or have it ***d. Be open minded and encouraging, and teach her about authentic consent and her own bodily autonomy is important. Education and support are the best things you can give her

[Msfergz]

I grew up where we never talked about anything never mind sex, and remember getting grounded for several months when caught in the pill. Who knows in hindsight if I would have made different choices, but I know I would have made safer ones should I have been more educated.
So I absolutely support a more open communication on sex in my home with my ***age boy. We both find it uncomfortable, but pushing through. I've focused on consent, respect and safety mainly for now. However I know he most likely has an Inkling to my preferences, seen things in my room etc. Not sure how to broach that one

[ce****]

She may not want to have an open convo about it right now but I think if you keep reinforcing that she can tell you anything then that is going to help her so much.
Communication didn’t happen in my family and sex was completely taboo. My *** and I were slut shamed relentlessly by my mum and consequently we obviously never confided in my parents about anything.
For me my ***s looked like using alcohol as a crutch and taking huge risks that resulted in the worst outcomes for me and those early experiences had the knock on effect of choosing *** over and over again throughout adulthood.

Its no joke and she is so lucky to have you both. Even if you aren’t yet in agreement, the fact that you are discussing it shows how much you care