Leaving our guards down - recipe for getting hurt

[ma****]

So I've been speaking to someone for a few days. We even started a consideration period while still vetting (or that's what I thought anyway).

Yesterday, I had a task. After my task, I wanted to see him through video call. He refused because he was ill. Yet, he was active on this app while I was pushing through with my task for him and for myself. I felt disrespected, disappointed and triggered. So I decided to end the consideration period, but I was willing to still date and vet him, especially since he had told me before that he'd want to know me in and out of kinks. He's told me that he respects my decision.

This morning, I had a message from him apologising for triggering me and telling me that it's obvious we might not work out and that he does hope that I'll go back to him with a reply and that he is okay with still talking to me. I told him that I was going to reply to that message by noon time or so.

Meanwhile, I asked him how his morning was. He asked me about mine. I had an appointment at the hospital for a test since my last (or the most recent) cervical test has shown severe dyskaryosis. I told him that. He told him to let him know the result.

During the scan, it was showing that some cells were still abnormal and that that part of cervix (a very tiny amount) would have to be removed, otherwise there would have been the possibility of spreading and turning into cancer. Obviously, I've accepted that treatment as I don't want to have cancer. Well, as soon as I got out of the hospital, I told him. He read it. No answer back.

Then I arrive back home and I send him a voice message related to his morning message. Guess what? I was blocked. Simply blocked... Not letting me know or anything.

And here I am feeling used and not valued... and, very importantly, hurt and crying. I deserved to know that he didn't want us to speak at all anymore. I would have deserved that courtesy.

Now, I'm thinking that, maybe if I had stopped talking to him first time he brought up kinks very early on, maybe I wouldn't have got here crying my feelings our... But this will be a lesson...

And this is an advice for those who want more than kink. If someone brings up kink early on, then proceed cautiously. Sometimes we see the good in people, we want to believe that they'll treat us the way we'd treat them... but it's so important to listen to your gut.

Letting your guard down with the wrong people is a recipe for getting hurt.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to hear that 🥺 what an absolute dick

[Sc****]

Yes! I totally agree with this. Letting one’s guard down is definitely a recipe for hurt and failure… set the bar low. Set expectation low so anything above it is wonderful!!! Look at it from a different point of view.

[Do****]

So sorry to hear all of this and if you need an ear to bend I'm open to listen and try and help if needed

[ma****]

8 minutes ago, hellochubby said:

Sorry to hear that 🥺 what an absolute dick

The post was made yesterday, but have been approved today. This person unblocked me this morning to tell me that we won't work.

[ma****]

5 minutes ago, taralove420 said:

Yes! I totally agree with this. Letting one’s guard down is definitely a recipe for hurt and failure… set the bar low. Set expectation low so anything above it is wonderful!!! Look at it from a different point of view.

My expectations will be high. So my standards.

[tr****]

Sadly, most humans won't put into us what we put into them... and it's heartbreaking, and it's ***ful if there's no closure it's worse, but the important thing is that not every human is the same. Some will, and some won't. I hope that in the future you have more success in choosing those that will enrich you. Every failure is a lesson, and every lesson helps you grow.

[CopperKnob]

I agree, dont let yiur guard down too soon. My thoughts,
I wouldn't be doing 'tasks' for someone I'm still vetting. Tasks can create an emotional attachment which, if during vetting something is uncomfortable for me and I need to disengage makes it harder and of course feel used/under valued etc etc.
.
All you can do is take it as experience (although a difficult one)

[Ca****]

Hey , I know it sucks when people( both male and female) haven’t got de decency , values or guts to end something the way it should. Happens way too often. Guess it is easy to block and run rather than admitting you are a shallow, superficial human being with total lack of empathy.
However probably it was for the best , it would have caused way more damage further down the line.
There are genuine Doms out there , just allow yourself time to do things at your pace .

[kentlocal93]

Hey so I’m new to the scene and the site and still figuring everything out but I read this and felt like I had to reach out , someone that would act like that in a time like this for you is clearly someone that you are better off with out in your life, it sucks that you had been talking a wile and actualy getting along but it just goes to show that even with talking for a wile someone can still eventually show there true colours, I personally always keep my guard up untill a few months after the relationship dynamic has been constructed just to make sure that it feels right to let the person 100% in , also if you feel like your the one doing all the work and puting in the effort you probs are wich means it wouldn’t be right as well if your special and important to someone you will deffo feel it and they will be there for you through the hardest times .

I hope everything goes ok for you and you get the best result you can and if you need someone to chat to I’d be more than happy to talk 🙂

[ma****]

2 hours ago, DomOfYourHearts said:

So sorry to hear all of this and if you need an ear to bend I'm open to listen and try and help if needed

Today, I'm better than yesterday and I haven't cried. I know that I deserve someone who will have the balls and maturity to tell me that they don't want to talk to me anymore rather than blocking me... and then, unblocking me...

[ma****]

1 hour ago, CopperKnob said:

I agree, dont let yiur guard down too soon. My thoughts,
I wouldn't be doing 'tasks' for someone I'm still vetting. Tasks can create an emotional attachment which, if during vetting something is uncomfortable for me and I need to disengage makes it harder and of course feel used/under valued etc etc.
.
All you can do is take it as experience (although a difficult one)

I'll definitely take it as an experience. The tasks weren't the issues as I've wanted to do them and I also enjoyed the challenges, especially since I was the one who brought up the consideration period. We weren't just vetting anymore. It was more than that. But there were clearly some red flags that I ignored and gave him the chance of doubt (for example, he brought up kinks very quickly and another major red flag was when I asked him if he vets other submissives, he simply ignored my questions - now, I know that he might have kept his options opened that's why he was perhaps active on here and he refused talking through video call while I was the one pushing through my task). Yes, I've rushed into the consideration period and I should have taken vetting perhaps even more seriously, but I had really thought that he'd be honest instead of suddenly blocking me without a damn explanation. It's definitely an experience that I'll learn a lesson from and proceed even more cautiously (I've been good for a few years; I don't even know how I've let this going into that direction seeing those things; I think I just wanted to give him the chance of doubt). However, today he's unblocked me to tell me that we won't work... like seriously?

[ma****]

1 hour ago, basildon174 said:

Hey , I know it sucks when people( both male and female) haven’t got de decency , values or guts to end something the way it should. Happens way too often. Guess it is easy to block and run rather than admitting you are a shallow, superficial human being with total lack of empathy.
However probably it was for the best , it would have caused way more damage further down the line.
There are genuine Doms out there , just allow yourself time to do things at your pace .

It was definitely for the best. It's definitely given me an idea of what kind of person he is. If he was a genuine Dom, he wouldn't have blocked me before at least giving me an explanation. He did unblocked me this morning though... like seriously? But perhaps he's kept his options opened and I do feel like I was treated just as an option. But that's fine. There are good things to take from this experience too.

[Deleted Member]

Never lower your standards and stand true to your beliefs. Sometimes thinks wont work but chat them through. 

Do not be frightened to open up some will really resect you for it.

[ma****]

56 minutes ago, Newbiemale30 said:

Hey so I’m new to the scene and the site and still figuring everything out but I read this and felt like I had to reach out , someone that would act like that in a time like this for you is clearly someone that you are better off with out in your life, it sucks that you had been talking a wile and actualy getting along but it just goes to show that even with talking for a wile someone can still eventually show there true colours, I personally always keep my guard up untill a few months after the relationship dynamic has been constructed just to make sure that it feels right to let the person 100% in , also if you feel like your the one doing all the work and puting in the effort you probs are wich means it wouldn’t be right as well if your special and important to someone you will deffo feel it and they will be there for you through the hardest times .

I hope everything goes ok for you and you get the best result you can and if you need someone to chat to I’d be more than happy to talk 🙂

I did feel like I was treated as an option when he avoided telling me if he was talking with other submissives (I was upfront with him and told him that I was talking to others, but also told him that allmost all others knew that I was under consideration so they could respect that; I was very honest, I didn't avoid any questions) and perhaps that's exactly what happened. In the moment I told him that I'd like to end the consideration period, but I'd still like to continue vetting and dating him, he perhaps didn't like it... so I assumed he's focused on his other options as he knew that he wouldn't get certain benefits from me anymore.
*
And thank you for the offer of being open to chat. I'd rather chat on here for the time being.

[kentlocal93]

You should never settle for feeling like an option to someone if it’s right and the person is right they will make u feel like a priority wich is what most people look for and cherish and want, as that’s how a good conection is made and any sort of relationship starts and progress from there 🙂

And your more than welcome you don’t have to thank me at all I know what it feels like when this sort of thing Happends from personal expearance and it’s horrible and wouldn’t ignore anyone asking for help or advice if I can give any or just make someone feel better 🙂 everyone is looking for somthing and deserves happiness and shouldn’t have it taken away with no communication or reason at all

[ma****]

47 minutes ago, GentlemanDomCymru said:

Never lower your standards and stand true to your beliefs. Sometimes thinks wont work but chat them through. 

Do not be frightened to open up some will really resect you for it.

Exactly. When things don't work, just say it before blocking someone without explanation, no? I would have understood if I had been rude or mean to him so he'd have a reason to just block me without explanation... but nothing, it's just happened suddenly. But he's allowed to do that. I'm also allowed to assume my opinion about someone's character based on that.

He did unblock this morning to tell me that we won't work and that he hopes that I'll find someone more local (I've never complained about distance and he hadn't either so it was clear that he's just found justifications, but that's fine... he's allowed to behave however and I'm allowed to move on; at least, I've got closure now and I've learned his character).

[Je****]

My guess is he heard that and realized he wouldn’t be having sex with you anytime soon. And since that’s usually all they want he dipped. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.

[ma****]

9 minutes ago, JenLynne said:

My guess is he heard that and realized he wouldn’t be having sex with you anytime soon. And since that’s usually all they want he dipped. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.

That's something that I thought of as well. Well, now, he will definitely not get it, will he?

[CopperKnob]

2 hours ago, maryioni said:

I'll definitely take it as an experience. The tasks weren't the issues as I've wanted to do them and I also enjoyed the challenges, especially since I was the one who brought up the consideration period. We weren't just vetting anymore. It was more than that. But there were clearly some red flags that I ignored and gave him the chance of doubt (for example, he brought up kinks very quickly and another major red flag was when I asked him if he vets other submissives, he simply ignored my questions - now, I know that he might have kept his options opened that's why he was perhaps active on here and he refused talking through video call while I was the one pushing through my task). Yes, I've rushed into the consideration period and I should have taken vetting perhaps even more seriously, but I had really thought that he'd be honest instead of suddenly blocking me without a damn explanation. It's definitely an experience that I'll learn a lesson from and proceed even more cautiously (I've been good for a few years; I don't even know how I've let this going into that direction seeing those things; I think I just wanted to give him the chance of doubt). However, today he's unblocked me to tell me that we won't work... like seriously?

I get it, I've been there, all keen and my heart shhh-ing my head and gut. It's easy done.
I did get confused and it's probably down to assigning different meaning to words. For me, a consideration period is a continuation of vetting

[Deleted Member]

This can be a heartbreaking place that’s for sure, you can never be 100% sure of people especially online, it’s that fine line of letting your guard down enough to feel connected so you can get to know someone but not enough to let yourself be hurt, it’s really really hard sometimes but it’s always a Lesson learned. It can only
Make you stronger 🙂

[ma****]

3 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

I get it, I've been there, all keen and my heart shhh-ing my head and gut. It's easy done.
I did get confused and it's probably down to assigning different meaning to words. For me, a consideration period is a continuation of vetting

For me, a consideration period is also kind of a continuation of vetting. This time though, I've thought of doing vetting and consideration quite simultaneously. Huge... huge mistake I made.

[ma****]

1 hour ago, Biggz said:

This can be a heartbreaking place that’s for sure, you can never be 100% sure of people especially online, it’s that fine line of letting your guard down enough to feel connected so you can get to know someone but not enough to let yourself be hurt, it’s really really hard sometimes but it’s always a Lesson learned. It can only
Make you stronger 🙂

I choose to trust people until they prove me that they cannot be trusted... and in the same time, I've got trust issues too. Weird, I know.

[4R****]

3 hours ago, maryioni said:

This time though, I've thought of doing vetting and consideration quite simultaneously

Maybe don’t do that. 😉
 

Although I’ve done the same thing in the past. 
 

You know what, you’re facing a lot right now with the forthcoming hospital trip. Asshats like this guy don’t deserve any space in your mind, you deserve, and will in time find, better. Someone worthy of your time. 

[sh****]

I am sure you are feeling a lot of different things right now with what you have going on. Any real man would have just told you he was not interested and moved on. Previous comment by Biggz was spot on, let your guard down enough to connect but not enough to be hurt. Not always easy to find the right mix. Without some risk there is no reward. You have to find the right balance for you. If something seems off, it probably is. Be strong, you will find what is right for you. Well wishes on everything