Protocols in this world?

[Deleted Member]

Would love some help with protocols here as I’m completely new to this world..

Had a couple of weeks chatting to someone that ultimately fizzled out but I have questions having been through that experience.

In regular dating I would be wary of prolonged texting because you really just create an imaginary version of the person you’re talking to and the reality can be quite different so an in person meet for coffee would be my preferred. Is that usual in this world too?

Also in regular dating it would be usual to chat to multiple people until something progresses with one. I was chatting to an older Dom here who was helping me but ended the chat when I said I was talking to someone else because he doesn’t share. The chat was only ever a mentor mentee/advisory relationship but maybe I misunderstood what that means here? I would have valued his input on a few occasions.

The guy I was talking to brought up collars pretty instantly. Initially, would I wear one. Seems a fair question. After that, multiple mentions of me being “his” and being collared by him. Is that usual? I’m unclear on what these collars symbolise as it seems to vary but it seems to be representative of more commitment than I would expect early in a relationship.

In the spirit of being “his” i was asked to send regular text messages, what I’m doing, what I’m wearing and so on. Again, my question is is this usual?

Things that would probably be red flags in the vanilla/regular world I’m finding myself a bit confused by in this world because of the D/S dynamic.

Ultimately I did everything asked of me by this guy and he ended up letting me down. I’m left wondering if it’s a me problem or a him problem. To be clear this chat was probably less than three weeks with some long calls. I liked him and may have been a bit blinkered to potential flags but I certainly felt some confusion around protocols and would value advice as I prepare to dip my toe in again!

[AKA_Copper]

OK, this is no different to vanilla dating. It'll seem like it is at first but, it isn't. The following is a good rule of thumb, if you wouldn't do something in vanilla dating, don't do it in the kink world.
.
The guy talking about constant texts and collars and the dude upset that you're speaking to others. Ignore and move on.
.
Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.
.
The only 'protocols' you need to worry about are the elements of any kink relationship you mat end of up and even then, you negotiate, just because someone portrays themselves as a Dom, doesn't give them the right to run roughshod over you.

[In****]

Everyone does this differently but in my opinion it’s reasonable to talk to lots of different people to see who’s the best fit for you just as in vanilla dating. Personally I’d be wary of people insistent that you only talk to them in the initial phases, we all have different wants and needs so yes chat to different people until you click with someone with whom you want the same things.
Following on from that, personally I believe in being upfront and being clear about what you want, as that’s just respectful of people’s time and secondly it shows someone has good communication skills which is important in any dynamic. To have collaring brought up very early, I have mixed thoughts on; on one hand I’m sure many of us into D/s want someone to be ours or oppositely to belong to someone… however, collaring is a very big commitment not dissimilar to an engagement or marriage (depending on the type of collar). A play collar would be different and more casual with ownership within the scene only, but that doesn’t seem to be what you were talking about.
I’m sorry you were let down especially when you did everything that was asked of you, that doesn’t seem reasonable and I appreciate it must be confusing. There are a lot of good people out there but also some who have questionable motives and ethics, I would advise to use caution and know your own boundaries. Being new to the scene is daunting as I’m sure many of us have experienced, there’s a lot of great beginner information on the forums so have a look.
At the top of everything though is consent and respect, don’t be afraid to say you’re not comfortable with something, if that’s respected and a constructive conversation happens as a result, great! If your boundaries sour the conversation then it’s likely the person you’re talking to isn’t the right one for you.
Hope this helps x

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

OK, this is no different to vanilla dating. It'll seem like it is at first but, it isn't. The following is a good rule of thumb, if you wouldn't do something in vanilla dating, don't do it in the kink world.
.
The guy talking about constant texts and collars and the dude upset that you're speaking to others. Ignore and move on.
.
Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.
.
The only 'protocols' you need to worry about are the elements of any kink relationship you mat end of up and even then, you negotiate, just because someone portrays themselves as a Dom, doesn't give them the right to run roughshod over you.

Thanks Copperknob this is the no nonsense approach I really value and it’s definitely at odds with what I was led to believe by one or two here. Appreciate you!

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, Inverse said:

Everyone does this differently but in my opinion it’s reasonable to talk to lots of different people to see who’s the best fit for you just as in vanilla dating. Personally I’d be wary of people insistent that you only talk to them in the initial phases, we all have different wants and needs so yes chat to different people until you click with someone with whom you want the same things.
Following on from that, personally I believe in being upfront and being clear about what you want, as that’s just respectful of people’s time and secondly it shows someone has good communication skills which is important in any dynamic. To have collaring brought up very early, I have mixed thoughts on; on one hand I’m sure many of us into D/s want someone to be ours or oppositely to belong to someone… however, collaring is a very big commitment not dissimilar to an engagement or marriage (depending on the type of collar). A play collar would be different and more casual with ownership within the scene only, but that doesn’t seem to be what you were talking about.
I’m sorry you were let down especially when you did everything that was asked of you, that doesn’t seem reasonable and I appreciate it must be confusing. There are a lot of good people out there but also some who have questionable motives and ethics, I would advise to use caution and know your own boundaries. Being new to the scene is daunting as I’m sure many of us have experienced, there’s a lot of great beginner information on the forums so have a look.
At the top of everything though is consent and respect, don’t be afraid to say you’re not comfortable with something, if that’s respected and a constructive conversation happens as a result, great! If your boundaries sour the conversation then it’s likely the person you’re talking to isn’t the right one for you.
Hope this helps x

Thanks so much for this thoughtful reply Inverse. The collar was a day collar and I never managed to get out of him exactly what it would represent for him. I did ask but he did not answer. I would have worn one to make him happy but not if it’s akin to putting on an engagement ring which is what it seemed to be when I read about them.

[Deleted Member]

Wish there was a sub group for these kinds of topics. The every day battle of sifting through the BS is daunting. Overall, understand what you want your experience to be and as you’re have interactions take the lessons and apply them. I have done a lot of reading online to learn things.

[In****]

24 minutes ago, centralpark said:

Thanks so much for this thoughtful reply Inverse. The collar was a day collar and I never managed to get out of him exactly what it would represent for him. I did ask but he did not answer. I would have worn one to make him happy but not if it’s akin to putting on an engagement ring which is what it seemed to be when I read about them.

Always a pleasure to help. Hmm that seems odd on a number of levels… a day collar is usually discreet and given in a 24/7 dynamic when a power exchange has been negotiated and consented to. The two of you were definitely not anywhere near that stage.
Something appropriate would have been a play collar, put on at the start of play and comes off at the end, there’s no commitment to each other. There’s also some good websites on consideration collars, training collars permanent collars, not sure I can link here.
It’s genuinely sad this happened especially when you said you were willing to make him happy, that care should have been reciprocated. I hope you find a dynamic that’s right for you x

[AKA_Copper]

31 minutes ago, centralpark said:

Thanks Copperknob this is the no nonsense approach I really value and it’s definitely at odds with what I was led to believe by one or two here. Appreciate you!

Find your people. They're here and they won't BS you.
People kink in all sorts of ways. My advice would be to go to the 'new to BDSM' forum and read the posts there, figure out which are the more reliable ones, and how it relates to your version of Kink. Then, once you've figured it out, chat to others. We dive in all excited and some will take advantage of people's naivety.

[Deleted Member]

32 minutes ago, Leena-BBW-6912 said:

Wish there was a sub group for these kinds of topics. The every day battle of sifting through the BS is daunting. Overall, understand what you want your experience to be and as you’re have interactions take the lessons and apply them. I have done a lot of reading online to learn things.

That’s the thing - there’s soooo much info it’s overwhelming

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, Inverse said:

Always a pleasure to help. Hmm that seems odd on a number of levels… a day collar is usually discreet and given in a 24/7 dynamic when a power exchange has been negotiated and consented to. The two of you were definitely not anywhere near that stage.
Something appropriate would have been a play collar, put on at the start of play and comes off at the end, there’s no commitment to each other. There’s also some good websites on consideration collars, training collars permanent collars, not sure I can link here.
It’s genuinely sad this happened especially when you said you were willing to make him happy, that care should have been reciprocated. I hope you find a dynamic that’s right for you x

Thank you.. I mean he said in the future but he did talk about it a lot and talked about making me his and collaring me often 🤔 I really liked him actually so his behaviour has probably saved me a whole world of grief because I was ready to try as hard as I could to make him happy

[Deleted Member]

13 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Find your people. They're here and they won't BS you.
People kink in all sorts of ways. My advice would be to go to the 'new to BDSM' forum and read the posts there, figure out which are the more reliable ones, and how it relates to your version of Kink. Then, once you've figured it out, chat to others. We dive in all excited and some will take advantage of people's naivety.

Thanks for the heads up and I’ll check that forum and have a browse for sure

[AKA_Copper]

2 minutes ago, centralpark said:

Thank you.. I mean he said in the future but he did talk about it a lot and talked about making me his and collaring me often 🤔 I really liked him actually so his behaviour has probably saved me a whole world of grief because I was ready to try as hard as I could to make him happy

Specifically search the forums for sub frenzy.

[Jait71]

My advice would be to find an experienced sub (preferably a lady) and ask her for some advice..
But - ultimately, every dynamic will be slightly different as people are different in their viewpoints & desires...
As an example - some Dom's consider collaring their sub a commitment as serious as marriage....
There are lots of helpful FB pages & groups you can find - even ones strictly for subs & Littles...
I'm only relatively new to being a Dom - but feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk to...😄

[Si****]

i would definitely reccomend at least doing a minimal bit of research on what youre trying to explore, there are many suggestions pages for new subs, and also I’d search for how to vet a potential dom and red flags for fake doms/abusive doms etc.
ultimately, dont do anything that violates any of your limits (boundaries) these should be discussed before any play, and if they keep pushing you to do something that youre not comfortable with, thats a huge red flag and a sign of potential *** down the road. Also they should be prepared to give you plenty of aftercare once a scene is complete, (not just leaving you alone to question what just happened) and uhh last thing i can think of is that I personally always try to make plans to meet within idk like 10 messages or so. or at least that is always the goal for me personally, I’d try to be clear on your expectations for meeting and all that jazz.

[Deleted Member]

7 hours ago, Jait71 said:

My advice would be to find an experienced sub (preferably a lady) and ask her for some advice..
But - ultimately, every dynamic will be slightly different as people are different in their viewpoints & desires...
As an example - some Dom's consider collaring their sub a commitment as serious as marriage....
There are lots of helpful FB pages & groups you can find - even ones strictly for subs & Littles...
I'm only relatively new to being a Dom - but feel free to reach out if you need anyone to talk to...😄

Thanks that’s really kind. I’ve been paired up with an experienced lady now so I’m sure that’ll help. These are all things I’d asked my guy but for one reason or another he just hadn’t had chance to answer yet because he preferred to call than text and with me going overseas and his work pattern we hadn’t got to a call before he dropped off the face of the planet. Until he disappeared he’d really been the perfect gentleman 🤷‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

51 minutes ago, SitOnMyFacePlz916 said:

i would definitely reccomend at least doing a minimal bit of research on what youre trying to explore, there are many suggestions pages for new subs, and also I’d search for how to vet a potential dom and red flags for fake doms/abusive doms etc.
ultimately, dont do anything that violates any of your limits (boundaries) these should be discussed before any play, and if they keep pushing you to do something that youre not comfortable with, thats a huge red flag and a sign of potential *** down the road. Also they should be prepared to give you plenty of aftercare once a scene is complete, (not just leaving you alone to question what just happened) and uhh last thing i can think of is that I personally always try to make plans to meet within idk like 10 messages or so. or at least that is always the goal for me personally, I’d try to be clear on your expectations for meeting and all that jazz.

Thanks, I’ve read loads I just couldn’t really find a unanimous answer about day collars but as someone above said it’s different for everyone. This guy seemed to be the perfect gentleman and said all the right things about going slowly and aftercare etc it’s just that given he dropped off the face of the planet I was left with some unanswered questions so I came here to ask 🙂

[Ca****]

15 hours ago, centralpark said:

That’s the thing - there’s soooo much info it’s overwhelming

Take your time! Learn so you’re not pulled in to a “wannabe” Dom/sub dynamic. I noticed a lot of inexperienced people joined the app lately as if it’s the “hookup” app and claiming roles they have no experience in.

[ey****]

23 hours ago, centralpark said:

In regular dating I would be wary of prolonged texting because you really just create an imaginary version of the person you’re talking to and the reality can be quite different so an in person meet for coffee would be my preferred. Is that usual in this world too?

Yes

how you set your boundaries is up to you, but if you feel something is going somewhere or has potential - it's worth seeing about coffee

23 hours ago, centralpark said:

Also in regular dating it would be usual to chat to multiple people until something progresses with one. I was chatting to an older Dom here who was helping me but ended the chat when I said I was talking to someone else because he doesn’t share. The chat was only ever a mentor mentee/advisory relationship but maybe I misunderstood what that means here? I would have valued his input on a few occasions.

So - is this normal here. Largely, yes.  Within context. Obviously talking with multiple people does hopefully end up with you meeting someone - which by extension involves "rejecting" others - which, well. One for another thread.

But if someone is talking to you under the guise of mentor/advisor then the idea is they would be supporting you and helping you meet others.   While there's a few 'traditions' in kink I largely reject, I do feel the "a mentor would not be otherwise in a relationship with their mentee" one should be held up.   If nothing else, it means they were speaking to you on false pretences.

23 hours ago, centralpark said:

The guy I was talking to brought up collars pretty instantly. Initially, would I wear one. Seems a fair question. After that, multiple mentions of me being “his” and being collared by him. Is that usual?

Rather than usual, 'sadly common'.   While collars mean different things to different people - if you're feeling around with someone to see if you gel on any site - if they suddenly said "would you marry me", or "would you get engaged" then most folk run a mile.  Understandably.  "would you wear my collar" when asked early is overly possesive and rushing stuff

23 hours ago, centralpark said:

In the spirit of being “his” i was asked to send regular text messages, what I’m doing, what I’m wearing and so on. Again, my question is is this usual?

as above 'sadly common' - he was trying to get you to drop all contact with others and sext with him for no benefit to yourself.  Trust/dynamic that should be earned not demanded.

23 hours ago, centralpark said:

Things that would probably be red flags in the vanilla/regular world I’m finding myself a bit confused by in this world because of the D/S dynamic.

vanilla red flags are kink red flags

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

vanilla red flags are kink red flags

Wow thank you so much for this detailed and thoughtful response- it’s super helpful. I guess I was a bit of an excitable puppy and need to learn from these mistakes fast. Appreciate you taking the time to comment here

[ey****]

1 hour ago, centralpark said:

Wow thank you so much for this detailed and thoughtful response- it’s super helpful. I guess I was a bit of an excitable puppy and need to learn from these mistakes fast. Appreciate you taking the time to comment here

it's ok and hopefully no harm done - but yep - Copperknob mentioned 'sub frenzy' above - that's worth exploring

[Yo****]

I’ve not really got anything of value to add above what others have said but just wanted to wish you luck on you’re journey, and hope you find someone in amongst the bad eggs and BS. 

[Deleted Member]

Respect safewords and limits.