What makes a dom/domme a dom/domme

[kimutu72]

Ive been on here for awhile now and have fallen into the role of a domme Ive found there are more submissive men that dominate men, but saying that I have spoke to afew guys that class themselves as dominate, As a domme myself I have always had the curiousity for the sub side as I feel it can give me an insight on how the sub feels, but saying that the guys who I have spoke to seem to come across more for what they will enjoy and more like " bossy guys" who feel that the gift of submission is there to take not to be given with trust, work and patience.

I did meet up with a guy and we spoke afew times, but then in his words he felt " I wasnt interested" after I said " its new for me and not sure if I could but would only find out intime",

he also admitted that " he had never had a domme that would be happy to try to submit so wasnt sure how it would work" 

So the question is What makes a dom/domme a dom/domme rather than someone who thinks they are? 

[Deleted Member]

I think it’s confidence. Even if it’s fake confidence. And a genuine listening ear. All Dom/Dommes know that the real power lies in the hands of the sub. Their submission is a gift like you say and they are in control of how much of themselves they give over.

[Al****]

There is such a broad spectrum of why someone may identify more with being a Dom/Domme but if I had to label it I would probably say that they are someone that likes to mentor, care for someone and want a sub to be part of their journey. A Dom/Domme that seeks control right from the start, for me, is generally not on the right path. As you said, submission has to be earned as does trust. Without trust a D/s relationship will never prosper and trust is gained over time.

[Su****]

My analogy: Dom/mes are vegetarians and do not eat meat under any circumstances. Subs are carnivores and might try being a vegetarian but will always revert to type and want to eat meat.

[Ma****]

Depends on whether you are seeking to identify yourself or how others see you or how you want others to see you?

[ge****]

There is no single answer to that question - it's very much an individual thing ultimately - and may be guided both by the type of dominant they are and indeed the type of submissive someone is.
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Sure there are some very high level things, like confidence, respect, consideration etc that may make someone lean one way or the other but those can be traits of both sides of the slash.
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What makes someone dominant to me, may not make someone dominant to someone else.
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For me it's very much about feeling submissive to someone - most of the time if that's not there it's not going to work - but what makes me "feel" submissive is not necessarily something that can be described, it just is.

[Sp****]

Apparently back in the Gay Leather community (from whence the kink community we all enjoy evolved from) you didn’t just get to declare yourself “Dominant”. You were submissive to a/the Dominants in the group until such a point you were deemed “ready” to become a Dominant (if you so chose).

It was like moving up in rank in the military (which coincidentally was where the Gay Leather community came from initially). Although some nowadays would decry that as “gate keeping”, I have to say that there probably was a good deal of practicality in that protocol. The prospective Dom would learn the intricacies of the power exchange as well as the proper application of bdsm implements before they were able to apply them to another.

Unfortunately most “Doms” on here and other sites are just as you say “bossy guys” who just see it as an excuse to be selfish, egocentric bullies who stamp their feet when they don’t immediately get what they want.

[kimutu72]

1 hour ago, alexio479 said:

I think it’s confidence. Even if it’s fake confidence. And a genuine listening ear. All Dom/Dommes know that the real power lies in the hands of the sub. Their submission is a gift like you say and they are in control of how much of themselves they give over.

if its fake confidence then would that make it as enjoyable for the person classed as a dom/domme. Ive been dominate the past few year and still dnt feel that I am an expert Im still learning. Ive probably had a handful of sub guys my last one was for nearly a year and we learnt together

[Deleted Member]

6 minutes ago, kimutu72 said:

if its fake confidence then would that make it as enjoyable for the person classed as a dom/domme. Ive been dominate the past few year and still dnt feel that I am an expert Im still learning. Ive probably had a handful of sub guys my last one was for nearly a year and we learnt together

I think being in control can teach you a lot about yourself. It’s such a privilege. I’ve been a Dom and a Sub and styled both out on occasion. 😂 For me it’s a role, I understand it’s not that way for everyone.

[kimutu72]

2 hours ago, kimutu72 said:

Ive been on here for awhile now and have fallen into the role of a domme Ive found there are more submissive men that dominate men, but saying that I have spoke to afew guys that class themselves as dominate, As a domme myself I have always had the curiousity for the sub side as I feel it can give me an insight on how the sub feels, but saying that the guys who I have spoke to seem to come across more for what they will enjoy and more like " bossy guys" who feel that the gift of submission is there to take not to be given with trust, work and patience.

I did meet up with a guy and we spoke afew times, but then in his words he felt " I wasnt interested" after I said " its new for me and not sure if I could but would only find out intime",

he also admitted that " he had never had a domme that would be happy to try to submit so wasnt sure how it would work" 

So the question is What makes a dom/domme a dom/domme rather than someone who thinks they are? 

I stand corrected I put "dominate guys" instead of "dominat guys" the " e" slipped in there. So thank you for your message not entirely sure what you got out of it, maybe to try make me feel stupid, you know who you are and your message was appreciated, hopefully I spelt everything right this time aye

[Deleted Member]

I've been trying to find a woman my age interested in taking charge and showing me the ropes so to speak, but it's been difficult. So many 20 somethings calling themselves dommes but I don't see how they can be to someone my age. Most of the women 40s and above that I encounter are only interested in being sub. I need a guide with experience. 

[Big_t-6157]

As I’d like to say I’m dominant as I like to take control in the bedroom, and in day to day life I’m confident and know what I want. But I also like when a woman takes control

[Ma****]

Also be aware of people who are domineering rather than dominant. 

[SK****]

When in the bedroom do you typically naturally take control? Do you take a more active or passive role?

[Ta****]

Anyone can be a sadist, but the true hallmark(s) of a good Dom(me) is the capacity to restrain oneself, exhibit empathy and compassion, and perform necessary maintenance e.g. aftercare/routines/rituals for their sub. That’s right I said FOR. Just because you are bot the one serving does not mean you aren’t also providing a service. Call it filling a role, call it whatever you want, but when you strip away the semantics, a Dom(me) and a sub both serve each other by providing the desired role for the other, not by taking what you please from the other, and the difference between falling into a role (D or s, doesn’t matter) and BEING D or s is having the dedication to performing your respective role to the best of your ability. Agree or disagree, that’s my perspective on this matter.

[Th****]

54 minutes ago, TallBastard said:

Anyone can be a sadist, but the true hallmark(s) of a good Dom(me) is the capacity to restrain oneself, exhibit empathy and compassion, and perform necessary maintenance e.g. aftercare/routines/rituals for their sub. That’s right I said FOR. Just because you are bot the one serving does not mean you aren’t also providing a service. Call it filling a role, call it whatever you want, but when you strip away the semantics, a Dom(me) and a sub both serve each other by providing the desired role for the other, not by taking what you please from the other, and the difference between falling into a role (D or s, doesn’t matter) and BEING D or s is having the dedication to performing your respective role to the best of your ability. Agree or disagree, that’s my perspective on this matter.

A sadist really is something all together separate and not really relevant to this OP. Someone can be *just* a sadist with no interest in any sort of D/s, I know of one member here for certain who falls under this category but I guess we can't tag people who haven't commented on a thread. If there is D/s involved a Dom might be a sadist or they might not be and it can get even more nuanced where submissives can also be sadists. 

[Ta****]

6 minutes ago, ThaliaV said:

A sadist really is something all together separate and not really relevant to this OP. Someone can be *just* a sadist with no interest in any sort of D/s, I know of one member here for certain who falls under this category but I guess we can't tag people who haven't commented on a thread. If there is D/s involved a Dom might be a sadist or they might not be and it can get even more nuanced where submissives can also be sadists. 

Agreed, I meant that more people n the sense that unless clear boundaries are drawn and communicated, it’s human nature to take and take until you’re told to stop. I had originally intended to circle back to that, but my train of thought went elsewhere. My point however is that being dominant does not necessarily equate to being selfish or inflicting *** (physical, mental or otherwise). As an old acquaintance of mine on here put it so eloquently, it’s a slow dance of give and take.

[Ta****]

1 minute ago, TallBastard said:

Agreed, I meant that more people n the sense that unless clear boundaries are drawn and communicated, it’s human nature to take and take until you’re told to stop. I had originally intended to circle back to that, but my train of thought went elsewhere. My point however is that being dominant does not necessarily equate to being selfish or inflicting *** (physical, mental or otherwise). As an old acquaintance of mine on here put it so eloquently, it’s a slow dance of give and take.

*meant that more in the sense that* please excuse my thumbs 😅

[AKA_Copper]

I agree with Gemini. As a sub, I can't tell you that it's one specific thing or give a list of points that make someone a Dom. All I can say is that it's about how someone makes me feel in relation to them that elicits any submissive tendencies towards them.
Something I've said before is this; I could he in a room of 50 men proclaiming themselves dominant and yet not feel submissive towards any of them.

[Shilo66]

6 hours ago, gemini_man said:

There is no single answer to that question - it's very much an individual thing ultimately - and may be guided both by the type of dominant they are and indeed the type of submissive someone is.
.
Sure there are some very high level things, like confidence, respect, consideration etc that may make someone lean one way or the other but those can be traits of both sides of the slash.
.
What makes someone dominant to me, may not make someone dominant to someone else.
.
For me it's very much about feeling submissive to someone - most of the time if that's not there it's not going to work - but what makes me "feel" submissive is not necessarily something that can be described, it just is.

 

1 hour ago, TallBastard said:

Anyone can be a sadist, but the true hallmark(s) of a good Dom(me) is the capacity to restrain oneself, exhibit empathy and compassion, and perform necessary maintenance e.g. aftercare/routines/rituals for their sub. That’s right I said FOR. Just because you are bot the one serving does not mean you aren’t also providing a service. Call it filling a role, call it whatever you want, but when you strip away the semantics, a Dom(me) and a sub both serve each other by providing the desired role for the other, not by taking what you please from the other, and the difference between falling into a role (D or s, doesn’t matter) and BEING D or s is having the dedication to performing your respective role to the best of your ability. Agree or disagree, that’s my perspective on this matter.

 

12 minutes ago, TallBastard said:

Agreed, I meant that more people n the sense that unless clear boundaries are drawn and communicated, it’s human nature to take and take until you’re told to stop. I had originally intended to circle back to that, but my train of thought went elsewhere. My point however is that being dominant does not necessarily equate to being selfish or inflicting *** (physical, mental or otherwise). As an old acquaintance of mine on here put it so eloquently, it’s a slow dance of give and take.

These three comments combined, make a pretty good overall answer to your question.

Adding to them, and trying not to duplicate what's already been said in them, from my perspective, what also makes a Dominant good, is someone who genuinely enjoys the role and has a real passion for it to the point that they'll look into, research and study all aspects of it, and not just the bits that titillates them. 

 

 

[Ma****]

A Dom/Domme is defined by two essential characteristics: a knowledge that they feel a deep need to control a submissive; and a deep conviction that they must protect, guard and develop the sub in such a way that the sub grows and enjoys the experience.
The behaviour you described is the evidence that the other ordain dies not gave the second characteristic, and that they are therefore just a bully in disguise as a Dom. Steer clear!
Even when a Dom is punishing the sub, it MUST be done with sensitivity and concern for the sub’s well-being.

[ma****]

Dominants are not selfish and arrogant. Therefore they do not lead for selfish reasons. They want their sub (or those under their wings) to succeed as well. They are genuine and not interested just in sex or kink. They will actually take the time to know someone before they want to jump into sex or kink. They are great communicators and have an extremely high level of self control. They seek knowledge and growth (unlike the wannabe Doms who think that they know it all and they fight anyone challenging them). They know that there are going to be responsabilities and commitments required for a successful D/s dynamic (unlike the wannabe Doms who want just the benefits, but refuse to comprehend that there are responsabilities too).

[ma****]

5 hours ago, Magic_Thumb said:

Also be aware of people who are domineering rather than dominant. 

I totally agree. A Dominant will know the difference between "to dominate" and "to domineer"... and they want to dominate.

[ey****]

9 hours ago, Spiral66 said:

Apparently back in the Gay Leather community (from whence the kink community we all enjoy evolved from) you didn’t just get to declare yourself “Dominant”. You were submissive to a/the Dominants in the group until such a point you were deemed “ready” to become a Dominant (if you so chose).

this was true in some communities - but there wasn't just one big community but lots of communities across different territories

so yeah, some had rules that you couldn't be a Dominant without being a submissive to someone else first.   But others would find that notion to be completely nonsense.

but some of these were ex military so found it easier to kinda... like... have to do certain things before earning ranks/titles 

while others, people just chose the title that fit them best.

 

[ey****]

7 hours ago, johnnyfontane522 said:

I've been trying to find a woman my age interested in taking charge and showing me the ropes so to speak, but it's been difficult. So many 20 somethings calling themselves dommes but I don't see how they can be to someone my age. Most of the women 40s and above that I encounter are only interested in being sub. I need a guide with experience. 

so this is a problem, if you see a Domme as a guide then this is putting the labour of exploring your kink/fetish onto someone else and that's not desirable