Has anyone ever got ‘stuck’ in a scene after lack of aftercare? Desperate for help 😥

[Kat1710]

My husband and I have been together for 19 years, very much in love, massively attracted to each  other and addicted to each other sexually, it’s amazing. 

We have got quite heavily into bdsm D/s sex, progressively over the last 8-10 years. 
Always exclusively us and privately, sex is a huge, huge part of our relationship that we both love. (This is not a 24/7 thing, it’s purely in sex)

We have encountered a really difficult situation where aftercare was not given to me, at all, despite begging for it for 24 hours, and that has left me feeling very broken. He sees that he failed me and regrets it hugely and would I think behave differently in future given how much this has impacted on us.
To complicate matters he has adhd/Aspergers  and it impacts on all areas of our life, and he just didn’t think/listen/empathise - due to some degree of inability to. He is a wonderful caring man and amazing lover and nothing like this has ever happened before. 
on this occasion I did go really deep into subspace, probably deeper than ever before and I’ve never really needed a great deal of aftercare before, and to be honest we’d never really discussed it much. This time it was very much a head fuck and could have been wonderful if he’d only brought me back to reality afterwards 😥

The problem is that it has left me feeling ‘stuck’ in the scene. Where all the objectifying, using and exposing of me that was done (which we both loved) is now making me feel like an object that’s used and discarded, all the things I found sexy about myself have gone, and I currently feel vile. I feel almost like I have been ***d, I can’t bare to look at myself and felt like I couldn’t get clean in the shower, it’s hideous and I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to be be touched again with the way I’m feeling, which is a devastating thought. 

We really could do with some help to come back from this, currently I flinch every time he comes near me even just to hold my hand 😥 

Praying someone has experienced this and can offer some guidance on how to stop this awful feeling 🙏🏼

Edited November 6, 2019 by Kat1710
Clarification

[GoddessLynne]

Does he not understand what aftercare is? You mentioned that you never really needed it in the past so maybe there is a chance that he doesn't know what it is exactly that you need. Also, the begging for aftercare and not getting it seems a bit odd. Was there a reason why this was necessary? Why was he refusing you aftercare?

[Deleted Member]

Have you spoken to him on how you are feeling , how this has made you feel ? Communication is key he won’t know unless you say how this has impacted you Aftercare in any scene is important wether you’ve gone into a huge subspace or not some people have different likes and needs for there aftercare For you to be able to move on you really need to be talking to your husband and in future aftercare after every scene wether it’s a shower together or cuddling or even just talking about the scene what you liked , didn’t like etc

[ca****]

I hope this has a place here....  you mention Aspergers (which i may suffer from to some degree - not diagnosed etc etc but discovered thru life experiences) - i know that there are aspects of my personality / character where I can react 'differently' and maybe not as the 'norm' would see it.  This has caused 'some' people frustration and hurt in the past - family, friends and relationships.

I dont say this as an excuse or as a solution - just to say it may need some referencing as you try and come to terms with what happened and potentially to deal with it and possible future episodes.

Wish you well.

[Wo****]

My ldr is an aspie.. I think it varies as with me he is incredibly open and affectionate.

Talk to him..

[Puddles333]

Yes. I wish I had time to say more, this is a horrible feeling. But it does pass dearie, particularly since you have a loving LTR with this person. Try and read what you can about "SUB DROP", that is the name of this issue so far as I understand it. Big big hugs~~~

[Deleted Member]

I think you won’t find an answer here, this is a very complex situation and I am actually surprised by few things in your post. The situation of your husband is unusual to find it in bdsm due to the nature of his condition. I am sure you we’re aware of this when you start the D/s relationship and the consequences. 
you might find a better support on fetlife with the psychologic and bdsm groups discussions where professionals kinksters have a better understanding of your actual situation. 
Best regards 

[Deleted Member]

His condition is going to complicate things but you have to talk to him. Tell him what went wrong and give examples of how he could help you.

You know him better than anyone so only you will know what best approach would work.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, QueenFaeV said:

His condition is going to complicate things but you have to talk to him. Tell him what went wrong and give examples of how he could help you.

You know him better than anyone so only you will know what best approach would work.

not sure you read it but in the title its clear she's asking for help....

regards 

[Deleted Member]

I understood she was asking for help. I was offering that communication with him is key as well. Giving him things to look at as examples so that he might understand better as to what she is going through.

my husband is the non cuddling logical tip and at time also not empathetic. Me being as out spoken as I am, I bring it to his attention that I don’t like this or that. 
Also to get “unstruck” from that state of mind, try meditation. Or things that being joy to YOU. It could help to alter your state of mind out of that feeling. Even if it is your own self care. For me: I grab a good book, light a fire in the fireplace and settle down to read. Or listen to music that brings memories of times that make me happy. Hope that helps.

[Deleted Member]

your husband might suffer a blockage which is different. the op bf got a rare condition which worst type. Communication is not an issue, its more complicated. She's been with him years so she need a specific way to deal with it and only experienced person with bdsm knowledge as well can help. 

Thats why i suggest maybe fetlife as they have specific groups dealing with psychology or autism and bdsm issues etc...

[Deleted Member]

True. I have experience in the BDSM world but not autism. Fetlife groups maybe the best answer for help. 

Sadly I don’t have the name of a group though.

[retep47]

On 11/6/2019 at 12:21 AM, Kat1710 said:

My husband and I have been together for 19 years, very much in love, massively attracted to each  other and addicted to each other sexually, it’s amazing. 

We have got quite heavily into bdsm D/s sex, progressively over the last 8-10 years. 
Always exclusively us and privately, sex is a huge, huge part of our relationship that we both love. (This is not a 24/7 thing, it’s purely in sex)

We have encountered a really difficult situation where aftercare was not given to me, at all, despite begging for it for 24 hours, and that has left me feeling very broken. He sees that he failed me and regrets it hugely and would I think behave differently in future given how much this has impacted on us.
To complicate matters he has adhd/Aspergers  and it impacts on all areas of our life, and he just didn’t think/listen/empathise - due to some degree of inability to. He is a wonderful caring man and amazing lover and nothing like this has ever happened before. 
on this occasion I did go really deep into subspace, probably deeper than ever before and I’ve never really needed a great deal of aftercare before, and to be honest we’d never really discussed it much. This time it was very much a head fuck and could have been wonderful if he’d only brought me back to reality afterwards 😥

The problem is that it has left me feeling ‘stuck’ in the scene. Where all the objectifying, using and exposing of me that was done (which we both loved) is now making me feel like an object that’s used and discarded, all the things I found sexy about myself have gone, and I currently feel vile. I feel almost like I have been ***d, I can’t bare to look at myself and felt like I couldn’t get clean in the shower, it’s hideous and I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to be be touched again with the way I’m feeling, which is a devastating thought. 

We really could do with some help to come back from this, currently I flinch every time he comes near me even just to hold my hand 😥 

Praying someone has experienced this and can offer some guidance on how to stop this awful feeling 🙏🏼

 

[retep47]

You should talk to one another the problem is you're not communicateing