Building Self confidence in your Sub

[Wi****]

As a Submissive and not very experienced in the kink scene. There are lots of areas that really interest me that id likd to explore tho its quite overwhelming and eciting at the same time. However i do suffer from a lack of self confidence. I was wondering what you and your domme can do to help build your self confidence in order to explore areas of interest and gsin new experiences.

 

Kind Regards

Willow 

[ey****]

harshly - it's ultimately not the responsibility of the Domme to build your self confidence.   This is emotional labour on her part which can be very difficult and draining.

For yourself - what is the areas you are lacking, what do you think would boost your self-confidence?   But then also, look at things you've already achieved.   It's much easier to sell your worth when you know what it is.

[NatalieLM84]

I agree with eyemblacksheep. To gain self confidence you need to discover it yourself. Ultimately you need to believe in yourself and know your worth. 

For me personally, I've knowingly been a sub for around 6 years. I've had 3 Doms, the 3rd still being my Dom. The previous 2 were great Doms but looking back I feel I was too submissive in the wrong kind of way. After every relationship break up, I fix myself and stand back up taller. So that now with my Dom I know who I am, what I am and I'm content with that. Just because I'm a sub doesn't mean I don't have an opinion, in fact it's quite the opposite. The more confident as a person I am, the more I have to submit to my Dom 🥰

[Wi****]

Its just about taking those first steps into something new once there im ok i can build on things.

[Simon_says]

Willow75...I would echo the sentiments of the above messages. In the simplest terms there are several possible options.... 1. You trust your dom entirely to do whatever 2. You trust your dom.and discuss limits and boundaries 3. You dont trust your dom and discuss limits and boundaries 4. You dont trust your dom and accept whaterver My guess is that you are likely in 2 or 3.. So talk and coat

[Simon_says]

....so talk out what's going to happen and set the boundaries on a session by session basis. That way you dont control the session but know what's good for you at that particular time as you move along your journey. No doubt you will become more comfortable and trusting over time.

[Deleted Member]

Well, there are two kinds of partnerships.

First, the formal, purely sexual one where you pay the woman to do things with you. She doesn't really care about your mental state, since this is about business.

Second, a friendship or intimate relationship with a domme. This is where you're concerned with each other's wellbeing and confidence.

So, if you just hire a domme to do things to you, she has no duty to care about your confidence. You need to have a deeper connection for her to care.

[Wo****]

2 hours ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Well, there are two kinds of partnerships.

First, the formal, purely sexual one where you pay the woman to do things with you. She doesn't really care about your mental state, since this is about business.

Second, a friendship or intimate relationship with a domme. This is where you're concerned with each other's wellbeing and confidence.

So, if you just hire a domme to do things to you, she has no duty to care about your confidence. You need to have a deeper connection for her to care.

With respect i'm not sure i agree with this. Although i have absolutely no experience in paid services i would have thought a professoonal would care about the mental state of their submissive. It makes business sense for a start. You're hardly going to go back if you're not looked after.

On 12/18/2019 at 12:44 PM, Willow75 said:

As a Submissive and not very experienced in the kink scene. There are lots of areas that really interest me that id likd to explore tho its quite overwhelming and eciting at the same time. However i do suffer from a lack of self confidence. I was wondering what you and your domme can do to help build your self confidence in order to explore areas of interest and gsin new experiences.

 

Kind Regards

Willow 

Communication.

Discuss the things you want to try. Go over safe words and limits.

The self confidence thing... no one can give you that. You have to find it but trust me, it's there. It took me a lot of soul searching, surrounding myself with good people and cognitive behaviour therapy to find mine but you can do it.

[Deleted Member]

35 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

With respect i'm not sure i agree with this. Although i have absolutely no experience in paid services i would have thought a professoonal would care about the mental state of their submissive. It makes business sense for a start. You're hardly going to go back if you're not looked after.

Just speaking from experience and observation. I'm not against altering my views if there's new evidence, but until then, my views stay like this.

[LazyPirate]

I do feel that the answer @SidoraxVonCreep gave was in answer to a question that wasn’t raised (as nowhere prior to his answer had mentioned paying for the services of someone) however as that point has been raised I will give my viewpoint regarding that matter.

 

Whilst true that transactional relationships more often than not do have that detachment to one extent or another, it isn’t as black and white as that (based on my experience as someone who has employed the services of multiple sex workers in the past and has friends in that industry).

 

Inevitably there are some Pro Domme’s who will have that massive degree of detachment and are only in it for the *** aspect, also if you book the services of an individual (particularly a Pro Domme) only once then you will only get so much from it, however if you use the services of the same person regularly you build up a rapport which whilst not emotional does not disregard the mental state of an individual (indeed the best Pro Domme’s I know of have a list of things they will check through before the first session with them ever occurs).

 

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, LazyPirate said:

I do feel that the answer @SidoraxVonCreep gave was in answer to a question that wasn’t raised (as nowhere prior to his answer had mentioned paying for the services of someone) however as that point has been raised I will give my viewpoint regarding that matter.

 

Whilst true that transactional relationships more often than not do have that detachment to one extent or another, it isn’t as black and white as that (based on my experience as someone who has employed the services of multiple sex workers in the past and has friends in that industry).

 

Inevitably there are some Pro Domme’s who will have that massive degree of detachment and are only in it for the *** aspect, also if you book the services of an individual (particularly a Pro Domme) only once then you will only get so much from it, however if you use the services of the same person regularly you build up a rapport which whilst not emotional does not disregard the mental state of an individual (indeed the best Pro Domme’s I know of have a list of things they will check through before the first session with them ever occurs).

 

Like I've said. I'm speaking from experience so far. I welcome your opinion.

Maybe the cause of this view is partly on my side, since I never required any care from my sex partners. I just wanted to please them to feed on their feelings, that's all.

[Wo****]

You said

5 hours ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Well, there are two kinds of partnerships.

First, the formal, purely sexual one where you pay the woman to do things with you. She doesn't really care about your mental state, since this is about business.

Not true. In some cases, yes, but it's too much of a generaliastion. A lot of pro Dommes care about the mental state of their submissives. Your statement suggests that because its business then there is no care involved.

6 hours ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Second, a friendship or intimate relationship with a domme. This is where you're concerned with each other's wellbeing and confidence.

So, if you just hire a domme to do things to you, she has no duty to care about your confidence. You need to have a deeper connection for her to care.

I think it depends on the individual. I mean i care, deeply, about some people i have only met once (though i am talking in general, not a Domme thing.

[LazyPirate]

22 minutes ago, SidoraxVonCreep said:

Like I've said. I'm speaking from experience so far. I welcome your opinion.

Maybe the cause of this view is partly on my side, since I never required any care from my sex partners. I just wanted to please them to feed on their feelings, that's all.

I would say this view is entirely from your perspective as you have stated you’ve never required care, which I feel misses the point pf the original post related to lack of self confidence and how to build this with a Domme. Until your original post relating to it no one had spoken about professional services at all.

[Wo****]

Also, no one mentioned professionals.

[Deleted Member]

7 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Not true. In some cases, yes, but it's too much of a generaliastion. A lot of pro Dommes care about the mental state of their submissives. Your statement suggests that because its business then there is no care involved.

I think it depends on the individual. I mean i care, deeply, about some people i have only met once (though i am talking in general, not a Domme thing.

Sure. I know there are exceptions. Maybe I shouldn't put it in black and white categories based only on my own experience. Like I've replied to @LazyPirate, I never wanted any care from my sexual partners. So, maybe that made me think like this.

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, LazyPirate said:

I would say this view is entirely from your perspective as you have stated you’ve never required care, which I feel misses the point pf the original post related to lack of self confidence and how to build this with a Domme. Until your original post relating to it no one had spoken about professional services at all.

Yeah, I'm aware the original post wasn't exactly about this. I just felt like the original poster was refering to all dommes in general, and I just wanted to explain to them that not all of them will care.

[Wi****]

In my original point i was trying ask about a domme you see regularly and are building a rapport with. My apologies i should explained better.

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, Willow75 said:

In my original point i was trying ask about a domme you see regularly and are building a rapport with. My apologies i should explained better.

Ahh, ok then.

In that case, if you build some connection with your domme, and you become sort of acquaintances, she should support you a bit. Not totally, because you mostly have to become confident by yourself. But generally, friends and closer sexual partners do support each other.

Maybe tell her about what troubles you. She may not give you the right emotional support, but she can lift you up as her sub. Like, rewarding you for a good job, telling you how she appreciates your service, and things like that.

She should make sure you like serving her, and are proud to be her sub.

[Wi****]

Thankyou ghats great

[Vandalslut]

On 12/18/2019 at 11:44 PM, Willow75 said:

As a Submissive and not very experienced in the kink scene. There are lots of areas that really interest me that id likd to explore tho its quite overwhelming and eciting at the same time. However i do suffer from a lack of self confidence. I was wondering what you and your domme can do to help build your self confidence in order to explore areas of interest and gain new experiences.

Kind Regards

Willow 

Hi, Willow, and welcome to the Scene.  This question is about self confidence and no matter who or where you are, the only person who can build self confidence is you.  Other people can tell you that you're wonderful/a great friend/an excellent employee until the cows come home - but YOU have to tell YOU that you're a good, great, fantastic person. When challenged to write a list of good things about themselves, most people battle to come up with three. But if asked to write a list of everything that's wrong with them, they'll come up with 20 or 30. Is your regular Domme that you're building a rapport with a paid one?  As LazyPiratesBounty says, a paid one will go out of their way for the customer - they want to stay in business and get good recommendations.  But the bottom line is, you have to build your own confidence.  Why not write a list of what's good about you and put it up on this thread?  We'll encourage you. Good luck.

[Vandalslut]

Glad you liked it, Willow75 - now go and write that list down of all the good things you've got going for you.   I'll be looking for it.

[Phoenyx]

On 12/18/2019 at 6:44 AM, Willow75 said:

As a Submissive and not very experienced in the kink scene. There are lots of areas that really interest me that id likd to explore tho its quite overwhelming and eciting at the same time. However i do suffer from a lack of self confidence. I was wondering what you and your domme can do to help build your self confidence in order to explore areas of interest and gsin new experiences.

"Self-Confidence" is such a broad term.  In this case, am I reading that you lack confidence in your own judgement?  Or worse, have you become so frozen by indecision, that you remain stuck in the same place?

So many scenarios come to mind.  One, is that you have found a Domme, but you can't decide if she's right for you.  Or, maybe she's perfect.  But, you're frightened by the idea of taking it to the next level---terrified that this life might consume you.  It's a natural reaction.  But then, maybe, you have yet to find a Domme.  Every time you're approached, you get scared and shy back.

Am I close with any of this?  Don't be afraid to share details.  You're among friends.  Yes, The Scene can be a very overwhelming and scary place.  It takes time to build-up the needed emotional strength, much like building muscles.  Perhaps, you could tell us more.  Plenty of folks are ready to help you take that next step.