Fırst meet suggestions

[Deleted Member]

Hello fellow kinksters. I wanted to know other Dom Males and submissive female's thoughts, ideas. On how or what a first meet with a potential new partner should go. I accept its different from person to person. However do you play on girst meet or prefer a gentle no hassle un complicated cpl of hours meet for a drink coffee or tea. Or something a little stronger.....

Stingray alarm system 

[ey****]

It's got to be somewhere mutually agreeable.  I would tend to give the lady the choice on where to meet so that she can pick somewhere she feels safe and comfortable.

There is a lot on the context - there might be different plans for example social only, play only, whatever... one thing I would recommend *especially* if it's a first meet : if the intention is to play then no alcohol (or ***) because while this might help things be "at ease" it can skew consent at the best of times but especially when you don't really know each other.

[NatalieLM84]

I've always met my potential Doms for coffee first

[LazyPirate]

Coffee is a pretty standard first meet thing from my end as there is usually some distance apart and will be in a public venue. Play has happened a few times on first meets, but there was no alcohol involved in any of these instances because the risk around lack of consent is pretty major.

[Carnelian2]

I would definitely opt for coffee and/or lunch, simply to meet talk and get to know each other. There can be a big difference between impressions made through on-line and even telephone conversations to the real life encounter. I would not expect play at a first date, and almost consider it a red flag (potential scammer), if it is suggested - with exceptions, of course. Having said that, once when I switched, I did meet someone for dinner and played afterwards, but it felt wrong afterwards.

[Phoenyx]

The rules are pretty similar to "vanilla" dating.  Coffee or a light lunch work well for first dates.  But, try to be up-front about your kinks.  Yet, also try to be subtle.  In my case, sometime during the conversation, I would suddenly get a big smile on my face, while stating, "There is something that you should know about me."  The smile makes the idea seem more enticing, than scary.  Plus, be sure to look them in the eye, when you when you get to this point.  However, you don't want to push or harp on this.  That will could you seem one-dimensional, or even creepy.  Still, if the conversation wants to go that route...  Of course, you could always get that lucky, "Me too!" response.

For a second date, you might want to suggest a local fetish event.  Are there any underground nightclubs in your area, that host a fetish or bondage night?  Best to find a more casual event, that doesn't have a strict dress code.  This will give her a chance to feel the energy and ambiance of The Scene, without having to commit.  Or, if no such events are available, you could suggest a quiet dinner at your place---no commitment.  During that time, you could show her some of your "toys", and discuss how she feels about them.  A third option could be a standard night-out, but while donning some of your fetish wear.  Needless to say, it should be "street legal".  My attire was typically a pair of black leather pants, a dressy shirt, and a long leather coat (provided that it wasn't July).  You want something that will set your own mood, as well as hers.

Hopefully, this will lead to that all-important third date.  You're on your own, from there...

[Phoenyx]

P.S.  Good luck!

[Deleted Member]

I wrote a five part story about this called it's only coffee in the bdsm and kink forum Here's the reprise 5 years later https://www.fetish.com/topic/7163-its-only-coffee-the-refill-5-years-later-part-4/ Even if the link doesn't work you can find it in the forum

[Deleted Member]

https://www.fetish.com/topic/7163-its-only-coffee-the-refill-5-years-later-part-4/

[Deleted Member]

49 minutes ago, purrfectpanther said:

I wrote a five part story about this called it's only coffee in the bdsm and kink forum Here's the reprise 5 years later https://www.fetish.com/topic/7163-its-only-coffee-the-refill-5-years-later-part-4/ Even if the link doesn't work you can find it in the forum

Thank you.

[Ki****]

First meet play is fantasyland, or just plain stupid. At least for women. Gay men don’t have as many safety concerns.

[Deleted Member]

General rules is the sub choose the place to meet. But most of the time I made the appropriate choice as they don’t like to take decisions. 
i did meet and play three times.

the women were not stupid they just trust me enough to have a tester. we did communicate a lots before meeting and the constancy show them that I was a serious candidate. They follow their guts and it paid off. 
Its up to them to see during the meeting what kind of person she deal with and if it’s correlated with the online comms, his profile, his comments on forums, the way he dress, move etc. 
We all different and our approaches should be too. 
 

[Deleted Member]

On 12/22/2019 at 3:09 AM, Kitanya said:

First meet play is fantasyland, or just plain stupid. At least for women. Gay men don’t have as many safety concerns.

With the greatest of respect, Kitanya, what a load of utter bollocks! 
You need to read my post in the BDSM stories forum, under “A good thrashing“, at the start of page 2 of that thread. There is a very comprehensive account of an encounter a couple of weeks ago when I had a first meet play session with Bounty and it was absolutely mind blowing, no, life changing, actually. It’s been a couple of weeks since that now and I’m still absolutely blown away by the experience. It wasn’t fantasyland and it wasn’t “plain stupid”. We had conversed by text and phone calls for several weeks beforehand and it just felt right. Yes, we were both anxious, a little nervous, maybe, but ultimately, it did feel right between us. And the play session we had was absolutely spectacular for both of us. And given the position that I was put in by her, I was in no less danger than she was when under my control. It’s all about mutual trust, of course.

And gay men don’t have as many safety concerns? Really? Really??? Where is the justification for this comment? I identify as heterosexual, but I have enjoyed some absolutely spectacularly mind blowing play sessions with men also. I have approached those play sessions with exactly the same level of care as I have with women. I have put myself in extremely *** positions with some men, with regards to bondage and submission, but I have still taken exactly the same care as I would do with a woman. Let’s face it, if you are completely effectively restrained, a woman can do just as much damage to you as a man. And, in that restrained position, why would you be any less in danger as a man than you would be as a woman? If you’re completely restrained, it’s irrelevant who the playmate is, let alone what their gender is. If you’ve been stupid enough to end up in that position with a psycho headcase, then be it upon your own head, whatever gender you are.

The point is, you need to have a connection with anyone with whom you are going to engage in a play session, long before that play session takes place. You need to have a degree of confidence that that person in whom you are going to place your entire trust is not some sort of psycho headcase fuckwit.

So I’m sorry, Kitanya, but from my perspective, your comment appears to be that of a person who has spectacularly and comprehensively failed to prepare properly and therefore has justified their lack of any action on a first time meet as being “fantasyland”. It does happen on first meets for many many people. But not for you, it seems… I wish you luck in your future encounters, but you would do well to prepare fully beforehand, getting to know the person you are meeting, either by text, letter, phone call, video call, or a combination of any of these. Meeting someone randomly off the street is not a good idea for anybody, ever.

 

[Ki****]

Um, that's exactly what I said. And I don't use stories to live vicariously. Advocating play on first meets is not properly preparing or vetting. If you do not understand the reality of the physical differences between men and women, I cannot help you. I vet everyone I meet before any kind of play. And hey, I'm still alive, shocker. I just think it's really important for people online who are new to this to understand the difference between reality and fantasy, and to stay safe. No one should ever be goaded into something they feel uncomfortable with, and pretending that stories are real and the way that things are done in real life can be very detrimental.

 

[Deleted Member]

This jealousy-inspired, denial-laden claptrap doesn’t really even warrant a reply, Kitanya.

Are you calling me a liar? Saying I made it all up? A story? Did Bounty make it all up too, then? Did we both live our lives vicariously and simply imagine it all? And did the booking I made on AirBnB just magically appear in my AirBnB app too? And did the *** spent on said booking just magically disappear from my bank account? And did I also just imagine the woman I spoke to about the cottage too? And the woman to whom I gave some of the food I cooked, in the cottage a couple of doors down, who gave me Oregano to season the chicken with, is she also a figment of my imagination, a character in my story, a fantasy? And the 1250 miles I added to the odometer on my car? Where were they gained then? 

Well thanks for the clarification on that. At least now both Bounty and I know that we’re both completely deluded, properly nuts and we should go and seek the services of a mental health practitioner. Really. What a clown.

I’ve had plenty of first meets that didn’t lead to a play session. It’s not always going to happen obviously, but to say that first meet play is fantasyland is just way off the mark for many. For Bounty and I it was right, perfect in fact. We were both a bit nervous, granted, but the weeks of buildup and prior communication were more than adequate preparation for us. 
So yeah, it’s all just a fictional story and I made it all up. Yeah, of course I did. Unbelievable. Just... unbelievable. 

[Wo****]

On 12/22/2019 at 3:09 AM, Kitanya said:

First meet play is fantasyland, or just plain stupid. At least for women. Gay men don’t have as many safety concerns.

I've played on a first meet. It wasn't fantasy land or stupid. It was after several weeks of chatting, online and on the phone. Limits and safewords were discussed and agreed on. Someone knew where i was and who i was with.

Gay men don't have as many safety concerns? Really?

On 12/27/2019 at 11:40 PM, Kitanya said:

Um, that's exactly what I said. And I don't use stories to live vicariously. Advocating play on first meets is not properly preparing or vetting. If you do not understand the reality of the physical differences between men and women, I cannot help you. I vet everyone I meet before any kind of play. And hey, I'm still alive, shocker. I just think it's really important for people online who are new to this to understand the difference between reality and fantasy, and to stay safe. No one should ever be goaded into something they feel uncomfortable with, and pretending that stories are real and the way that things are done in real life can be very detrimental.

 

It wasn't a story, unless i'm a fictional character.

First meet play doesn't always equate to not preparing and vetting. Fredddy will vouch for this, from initial contact if i have any doubts about going through with either playing or the meet itself, i have no problem saying so.

I vet everyone i meet before any kind of play too, in fact i'm constantly vetting them. That doesn't stop, even when/if we play.

I agree no one should be goaded into anything but nor should they be accused of making stories up just because their experience is different to yours.

Fredddys "story" is a story, a true story of our first encounter. 

Pretending stories are real, pfft!

 

Oh... and just in case of "you're not aware of the risks you're taking" i, of all people know excatly what the risks are. Playing on a first meet doesn't necessarily mean reckless. 

[Deleted Member]

Er, spot-on, Bounty. What can anybody add to that? I reckon you’ve hit the nail right on the head, as usual! Love, respect and admiration... x

[Phoenyx]

On 12/21/2019 at 9:09 PM, Kitanya said:

First meet play is fantasyland, or just plain stupid

Glad to hear someone finally say it!  Back in the SF Bay Area, play parties and dungeon events too-often went for the "Meet, Greet, Get Down to Business!" scenario.  Always awkward.  Though most of these scenes went well, there were still far-too-many that went south.  It might be, "You suck!  You're too damn slow."  Or, "OOUU---F--K!"  Of course, I always blamed myself.  I should have better read the situation.

Nice to finally hear someone else say, that it was a bad idea in the first place.

[ey****]

I think for playing on the first meet is very context based.

Going to a party/event looking for anyone who will play - potentially bad idea. 

seeing someone online once, rushing to meet them having a few drinks then playing - potentially bad idea

but; I think when part of the rapport can be built up online anyway - there's certainly less risk if it's someone you've grown to "know" via online.

[Ky****]

On 1/7/2020 at 7:08 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

I think for playing on the first meet is very context based.

Going to a party/event looking for anyone who will play - potentially bad idea. 

seeing someone online once, rushing to meet them having a few drinks then playing - potentially bad idea

but; I think when part of the rapport can be built up online anyway - there's certainly less risk if it's someone you've grown to "know" via online.

that may be the only good thing to come out of the lockdown, its giving everyone time to get to know potential playmates/partners online

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Kymi said:

that may be the only good thing to come out of the lockdown, its giving everyone time to get to know potential playmates/partners online

absolutely; we know there'll be no plays or meets til May/June at the earliest.  So, you know.  No rush or pressure, slowly learn what makes someone tick, whether this is someone you've already spoke to or looking to impress