Asexuality and BDSM/kink

[Mx****]

Genuinely curious. Are there any others here on the ace/aro spectrum into kink and bdsm?
For myself, I definitely have a different mindset when it comes to BDSM.
I value the connection, the communication and the shared experience more than the possible sex. I know bdsm, kink are all very sexually intertwined in a way. However, I feel there's a difference between kinky sex and "true" BDSM.
I'm not the best in describing this all, it's been a long journey to discover what being ace and also into BDSM means to me.
It feels like many people see the term asexuality and immediately assume that pleasure is a no go. That's not true!
Anyone have experience with an asexual partner or are ace themselves?

[sardonicus87]

I'm not exactly ace, but if you ***d me to have to define myself, best I can say is graysexual and reciprosexual (it's kind of complicated) and if you drew a line from grayromantic to aromantic, I'm like 95% towards the aromantic side.
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In my own experience, inside or out of BDSM, it's always been an issue for others. If I care about someone (even if not romantic love and just platonic), I am fine with sex, I just don't innately desire or think about it really. Doesn't matter how I explain it though, people always take it as "you don't want to have sex with me" (as in, you want to not have sex with me). That's not the case at all, and nobody can wrap their head around that. It's more like an indifference, not an active desire to not do.
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I can't imagine how much harder it would be to be "full blown ace".
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But, at least I can sympathize with people not understanding even after having things explained, or people not wanting to understand, or people not listening and just continuing to hold their assumptions, or people taking it personally and taking offense as if you spit in their face like they're offering you a gift and you're throwing it in the trash.

[sardonicus87]

And for me, what I said above is kind of an over-simplification, like sometimes I do want to (maybe twice a year?), but lack the motivation. Like a car with a good battery and everything works but is just out of gas. Like sometimes it's wanting to but not feeling like it, or like when you want to eat something but nothing seems appealing and you don't want anything specific to eat, or even to eat right now necessarily, but maybe at some point... it's hard to find analogies for it. Even trying to explain it is a pita, especially when people these days have the attention span of a goldfish and want everything to be super convenient for themselves and black-and-white, no effort on their end. Anything more than "yes" or "no" seems like "too much work" for everyone. And it's not even like you're asking them to sit through a 3 hour dissertation, just asking they pay attention and listen for just 5 minutes.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, sardonicus87 said:

And for me, what I said above is kind of an over-simplification, like sometimes I do want to (maybe twice a year?), but lack the motivation. Like a car with a good battery and everything works but is just out of gas. Like sometimes it's wanting to but not feeling like it, or like when you want to eat something but nothing seems appealing and you don't want anything specific to eat, or even to eat right now necessarily, but maybe at some point... it's hard to find analogies for it. Even trying to explain it is a pita, especially when people these days have the attention span of a goldfish and want everything to be super convenient for themselves and black-and-white, no effort on their end. Anything more than "yes" or "no" seems like "too much work" for everyone. And it's not even like you're asking them to sit through a 3 hour dissertation, just asking they pay attention and listen for just 5 minutes.

FTR: I’d willingly attend Your three-hour dissertation on this/Your sexuality.

[Deleted Member]

I don’t consider myself in the Ace pool, but defo reside in many other seemingly difficult to explain categories regarding sexuality + desire + kink and views regarding BDSM in general and for myself. OP, you and I may travel different paths to have arrived at similar taverns in the woods, if you allow that analogy.
The parts I crave aren’t surrounded nor focused on sex.
❤️‍🔥

[PreyToTheFairies]

I'm no asexual, I absolutely love sex. But I prefer to keep the BDSM separate. I find a good beating incredibly arousing, but I want to bask in that need and frustration and resolve it much much later.

[Ba****]

Im demi so fully understand this. I can easily have a sex free scene and enjoy every minute of it. For me, the sensations quiet my mind and allow me to find calm in a way sex just can’t. Bdsm done properly is an art form and is perfectly satisfying as a stand alone activity

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, NexumSange said:

I don’t consider myself in the Ace pool, but defo reside in many other seemingly difficult to explain categories regarding sexuality + desire + kink and views regarding BDSM in general and for myself. OP, you and I may travel different paths to have arrived at similar taverns in the woods, if you allow that analogy.
The parts I crave aren’t surrounded nor focused on sex.
❤️‍🔥

I’m in this same boat. Someone said I may be a type of demisexual or ace once before.

[Mx****]

I'm very sex neutral. Don't really need or want it, masturbating takes care of it honestly. I find sex more akin to drinking for me. Something I do very rarely, it's fun but ends up not being worth it at the end.
The whole 'need to have sex in a relationship ' or it being a defining factor is a bit... Disheartening for sure for me.

[DrMacEoin]

14 hours ago, sardonicus87 said:

Even trying to explain it is a pita, especially when people these days have the attention span of a goldfish and want everything to be super convenient for themselves and black-and-white, no effort on their end. Anything more than "yes" or "no" seems like "too much work" for everyone. And it's not even like you're asking them to sit through a 3 hour dissertation, just asking they pay attention and listen for just 5 minutes.

Mate

That means so much to me

Just a week ago I tried to explain Benoit Mandelbrot's ideas to someone

"LOL what?!"

🤦🏼‍♀️

[Ba****]

Aro and not ace, so a bit of a different perspective -- if you've ever been in a LDR, it can be a lot like that. Sometimes it's texting everyday and sharing fantasies (or scenes), sometimes I'm just doing my own thing.
Remembering to actively reach out, even (or especially) when not horny, is hard (buh dum tish) because communication is just as important in kink as any relationship.

[takemedown-3584]

I'm ace and super kinky, and it's really tough to find people who want to do very kinky stuff but not fuck me 😂 even online chats are kinda hard, becuase people just talk about having penetrative sex rather than the stuff around it, and it really breaks my role play illusion. Fun times.