Feeling Drained and Deflated After Unsuccessful Meetings

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, SirBDSM71 said:

Your advice is very much appreciated, I will have a look on Fetlife at some local munches etc. Thanks.

Have to agree with SirBDSM71 on this. Fetlife has a very well developed community.

[ey****]

One thing I'll say about Fetlife

it is good for finding munches and events etc etc etc

it is not, however, set up for dating 

that doesn't mean you won't find/meet people through it - but more likely through a slow burn of passive connections (possibly coupled with partaking in local community) rather than "hey, saw your profile...." kind vibes 

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

One thing I'll say about Fetlife

it is good for finding munches and events etc etc etc

it is not, however, set up for dating 

that doesn't mean you won't find/meet people through it - but more likely through a slow burn of passive connections (possibly coupled with partaking in local community) rather than "hey, saw your profile...." kind vibes 

Yes , true it's like Facebook for kink

[Th****]

My two cents on this: I am living this lifestyle since 2010 and what I have learned ist: the likelihood that meeting someone that is a match is quite low. As a result, I have learned to be patient and to let go.

With this, I learned to take the chances that life brings to me and to value it. Also a dominant needs to be humble.

Even if it takes a while.

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, Alpha-dominant said:

My two cents on this: I am living this lifestyle since 2010 and what I have learned ist: the likelihood that meeting someone that is a match is quite low. As a result, I have learned to be patient and to let go.

With this, I learned to take the chances that life brings to me and to value it. Also a dominant needs to be humble.

Even if it takes a while.

That's so true, I'm the same, 2011 I started , but because I had a long term sub, I'm somewhat rusty when it comes dating, and the daring game has changed somewhat in the last 10 years or so.

[Deleted Member]

*dating

[Glasgowdom1991]

Personal advice take time regroup and I would avoid fetlife it's a bit of a cess pit

[Ma****]

I dont know how much of what I'm going to say, applies directly. But it is a piece of advice that I have heard, and have definitely passed on to others, both D & s-types.
The advice is:
submisives and Dominants are people are people first, their roles are secondary.
Connect to the person first.
Don't try to connect to their role first.

The second thing is, be flirty with everyone. Talk to the old man in the grocery line, try to practice on being interested in him as a person, and the questions should arise pretty easily, when you are interested in the person. The more genuinely interested you are, the easier the questions will come.
Ask, ---> but then wait and listen to what they say!!! Dont just be sitting there trying to think up what next to say. You have to listen to them.
Then ask an appropriate follow up question, or make a witty remark to what was said, or see if it relates to something else you like,
"oh that is cool, that is like this hobbie i have....."
But! Practice talking and listening to everyone!
At the grocery store. The post office, your resturant waiter, or the server at the fast food place, or the gas station attendant:
"hey how are you? Hot day out, but you seem to be escaping it in here in the AC. (Pause and actually wait to hear the person's repsonse) thats great, hey i need $40 on pump number 3."
Practice at every chance that you get.
I cannot stress how important this is.

Because you will learn a lot about yourself in the process, and then we'll also learn a lot about other people you meet. And those two combinations is what will help you the most, and not just in a D/s relationship, but for the rest of your life.

D/s people are people first. The BDSM is secondary.

[Ma****]

Its worked for me. When i am interested in everyone, as people, and then secondarily their kinks/dynamics/fetishes, i find sooo many opportunities.

[Deleted Member]

I never thought of it like, that's brilliant advice, thank you. I'm ok at talking to random people so I'll get practising.

[Ob****]

I call what you are describing ‘app dating fatigue’. Ive had this with both vanilla and kink dating apps. When this happens I try do something similar to what eyemblacksheep says - take a break from the apps, refocus on other aspects of my life, invest in myself, my friends, what I enjoy doing, etc. And I only go back to the apps when I feel positivity about the process again. Sometimes it takes awhile lol.
I also kind of think the expectations we put on ourselves amplify the disappointment and exhaustion we feel when things don’t work out, so currently I’m trying to not have so much expectation regarding finding ‘that’ person and just enjoy the communication and experiences I have, whatever they are.
Good luck on your journey :)

[BrainyBabeMagic]

I keep ending up with guys who aren't even kinky. They're just horny. They don't know what they are doing, have no plan other than the usual vanilla creeper shit of control, manipulation & pressure trying to get laid asap & can't maintain consistent behavior for more than 2 weeks. 🤦‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

20 minutes ago, BrainyBabeMagic said:

I keep ending up with guys who aren't even kinky. They're just horny. They don't know what they are doing, have no plan other than the usual vanilla creeper shit of control, manipulation & pressure trying to get laid asap & can't maintain consistent behavior for more than 2 weeks. 🤦‍♀️

I see what you mean, many don't understand the foundation of D/s and what it is on a deeper level, it's just fun to them.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Obbork said:

I call what you are describing ‘app dating fatigue’. Ive had this with both vanilla and kink dating apps. When this happens I try do something similar to what eyemblacksheep says - take a break from the apps, refocus on other aspects of my life, invest in myself, my friends, what I enjoy doing, etc. And I only go back to the apps when I feel positivity about the process again. Sometimes it takes awhile lol.
I also kind of think the expectations we put on ourselves amplify the disappointment and exhaustion we feel when things don’t work out, so currently I’m trying to not have so much expectation regarding finding ‘that’ person and just enjoy the communication and experiences I have, whatever they are.
Good luck on your journey :)

Exactly, I see what everyone is saying and it makes complete sense, I can find myself sometimes browsing constantly looking for 'the one'.

[Tu****]

7 hours ago, SirBDSM71 said:

Yes, that's the problem, sometimes I think that of the person just met me and had a face to face chat, she'd see what I was really like instead of assuming based on just words. It is frustrating. I had a girl a few weeks ago get upset by something I said because she got what I was saying all wrong, but didn't give me a chance to explain and refused to talk to me over the phone. I had spoken to her and met her previously, but she just flat out ended all communication. I was gutted because she was ideal.

Looks like you were not her ideal.just have to accept the other person decision.

[Ta****]

I've been doing the same, only as a femme sub with male doms for the last years. 26 first dates. Some turned into quick romances, affairs

[Ta****]

18 minutes ago, TaliX said:

I've been doing the same, only as a femme sub with male doms for the last years. 26 first dates. Some turned into quick romances, affairs

(Gnarg, message went out too fast) But nothing did fit for me even for a longer fwb thing. Some of those men instead became my friends. Which is really not the worst outcome...
I do regard dating more like a hobby. I have a shit ton of responsibilities, I can barely go out. But I do flirt. After a time, I do agree to a first date.
And I can't say I have no expectations for those dates, but it's few. I talk with someone in real life, try to have a good time while getting to know them. And most times I pay for myself because I always hated the feeling of being in debt (of sexual favours?).

I try to see those I think may match my vibe as soon as possible, to not cultivate higher and higher expectations.

And I tried Goblin dates, just come as you are and be the weird being you are. Because the goblin in us will appear sooner or later, better get over it.

So now I feel comfortable while dating. I use my single energy and time for myself, friends, family, focus on my interests and goals. I'm not an empty shell without love or anything.

By the way - the advice to talk with everyone increases your mental well-being as well. Every positive interaction gives us a boost. We are social ***s, after all.

And being happy and fullfilled in any other way makes us more desirable mates.

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, TaliX said:

(Gnarg, message went out too fast) But nothing did fit for me even for a longer fwb thing. Some of those men instead became my friends. Which is really not the worst outcome...
I do regard dating more like a hobby. I have a shit ton of responsibilities, I can barely go out. But I do flirt. After a time, I do agree to a first date.
And I can't say I have no expectations for those dates, but it's few. I talk with someone in real life, try to have a good time while getting to know them. And most times I pay for myself because I always hated the feeling of being in debt (of sexual favours?).

I try to see those I think may match my vibe as soon as possible, to not cultivate higher and higher expectations.

And I tried Goblin dates, just come as you are and be the weird being you are. Because the goblin in us will appear sooner or later, better get over it.

So now I feel comfortable while dating. I use my single energy and time for myself, friends, family, focus on my interests and goals. I'm not an empty shell without love or anything.

By the way - the advice to talk with everyone increases your mental well-being as well. Every positive interaction gives us a boost. We are social ***s, after all.

And being happy and fullfilled in any other way makes us more desirable mates.

That's very insightful thank you.

[Deleted Member]

Thanks for the advice everyone, what a great community of kinksters, always happy to help, I'm so pleased I asked the question.

[CopperKnob]

9 hours ago, Marshal83 said:

I dont know how much of what I'm going to say, applies directly. But it is a piece of advice that I have heard, and have definitely passed on to others, both D & s-types.
The advice is:
submisives and Dominants are people are people first, their roles are secondary.
Connect to the person first.
Don't try to connect to their role first.

The second thing is, be flirty with everyone. Talk to the old man in the grocery line, try to practice on being interested in him as a person, and the questions should arise pretty easily, when you are interested in the person. The more genuinely interested you are, the easier the questions will come.
Ask, ---> but then wait and listen to what they say!!! Dont just be sitting there trying to think up what next to say. You have to listen to them.
Then ask an appropriate follow up question, or make a witty remark to what was said, or see if it relates to something else you like,
"oh that is cool, that is like this hobbie i have....."
But! Practice talking and listening to everyone!
At the grocery store. The post office, your resturant waiter, or the server at the fast food place, or the gas station attendant:
"hey how are you? Hot day out, but you seem to be escaping it in here in the AC. (Pause and actually wait to hear the person's repsonse) thats great, hey i need $40 on pump number 3."
Practice at every chance that you get.
I cannot stress how important this is.

Because you will learn a lot about yourself in the process, and then we'll also learn a lot about other people you meet. And those two combinations is what will help you the most, and not just in a D/s relationship, but for the rest of your life.

D/s people are people first. The BDSM is secondary.

This is the most valuable advice in the comments, approach anyone and everyone as an interesting person first and a potential partner last. It's so easy to spot when people are only looking for 'matches' not least because the message typically ends with "message me back and we'll see where things go."
Worse case scenario, you've made a new friend put of your efforts

[Ne****]

15 hours ago, hellhoundswitch said:

I will stop trying to help. Best of luck

The air of entitlement and disgruntled folks in these comments is disturbing. Nothing new unfortunately but disturbing nonetheless. Can’t change or help such things but good on you for wanting to ❤️‍🩹

[Deleted Member]

25 minutes ago, NexumSange said:

The air of entitlement and disgruntled folks in these comments is disturbing. Nothing new unfortunately but disturbing nonetheless. Can’t change or help such things but good on you for wanting to ❤️‍🩹

Yes I don't know why he said that, maybe because I didn't react to his comments quick enough.

[Ne****]

5 minutes ago, SirBDSM71 said:

Yes I don't know why he said that, maybe because I didn't react to his comments quick enough.

My comment there was actually in support of them trying to help another commenter/help at all and getting a bit slammed by the other commenter, whom I thought were being a bit rude and joining the chorus of folks who sound terribly whiny and as I said entitled etc..
We all want what we want and can be exasperated and voice that in places like these. I just think in that particular instance it wasn’t the kindest and commented so. Sorry to hijack your thread. FTR I don’t think You or this post was whining etc.
🤷🏻‍♀️🤘🏽

[Deleted Member]

Oh I see, yes I agree with that. I certainly wasn't whining, I just needed some reassurance that's all. I presumed he was having a dig at me lol.

[Ne****]

8 minutes ago, SirBDSM71 said:

Oh I see, yes I agree with that. I certainly wasn't whining, I just needed some reassurance that's all. I presumed he was having a dig at me lol.

I don’t think so 😇