The thrill of the unknown v’s safe fun

[Deleted Member]

Can anyone advise on the etiquette of beginning a relationship with a new Mistress? Things seem to have changed since I was last looking, even though that’s only a couple of years ago.

Several of the Mistresses who have approached me (I mean of the ones who seem genuine of course) want to “try me out” and don’t want to agree limits beforehand but want to discover them in play.

Is that the usual approach these days?

[Deleted Member]

I can only speak for myself but I'd prefer to discuss limits prior to I'm person play, even if the sub only has soft limits. I'm not test driving a car, I'm interacting with a human being with preferences, a lived experience and possibly trauma.

[Po****]

No Mistress/Domme worth anything will behave like that.

If she won't respect boundaries and wants to try you out, that usually means she wants to experiment on you and that means she isn't experienced.

I would move onto someone who will Domme over you to your agreed upon limits.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you both for taking the trouble to reply with such direct and clear advice. Very much appreciated.

[ey****]

I am somewhat suspicious at how genuine they are.

I mean they (and you) must have *some* idea what you want to do in play before you meet up - and they (and you) must have *some* idea what you don't and this should be discussed and agreed.    if I humour it being genuine then the misguided "mystery" might seem exciting but comes over that the person doesn't know what they're doing, and even if (for example) you wanted to be caned, do you trust someone who won't clearly discuss this to cane you?

However, especially with you feeling it was more than one person - it feels the beginning of a scam.

Here's how it generally plays out.

The person will express an interest in playing with you, ideally as soon as possible, and don't really need a coffee date first ("we can chat when we meet to play") they'll avoid talk about play, limits, what to do, etc. as that detracts from the core scam.   If you brought up stuff you wanted to do, they would humour and go along with it. I reckon you could probably make something up you wanted to try and they would humour that ("Yes, we can try that bby!") 

Then there are two common paths this takes.

If you are hesitant at meeting for play, or want to play online, or a vanilla date first - they will suggest you buy a "training kit" which they will give you a link for which - well - at this point most of the marks might feel "well even if it doesn't work out, it'd be good to have this kit" - except, well, the shop and the item do not exist, they're not real - you won't receive them.  Mind, in this day and age they MIGHT be real, I seem to feel that this was asking something like $100 for a collar and a butt plug, stuff which they can probably pick up from AliExpress for $5 combined to then sell/send to you.

However, I feel that scam is a little less common now, since it's really easy for someone to go "Actually, I already got a collar" or "I'd prefer to buy one in person" etc. 

So that takes us to option 2.

So they are discussing play and meeting you, with the whole, ahem "thrill of the unknown" - they instead give you a link to a playspace they want you to book.  So, this is it - you book the playspace, they meet you and play - and it looks so good and so on.

Except, yep, the playspace doesn't exist, it's all stolen photos, when you book you either never get an address or if you do it doesn't exist, or is an abandoned property, so on.  So, yep, of course, you've paid the *** for a space that doesn't exist on the promise of pretty much unlimited play - start of something, so on.   

Some savvy people will search for other dungeons in the area, and the scam one is nearly always cheaper.   I mean, I just paid £180 for 3 hour dungeon hire for this weekend (for a place that really does exist, I've been before) so somewhere saying "£200 for 24 hours" is gonna seem like a better deal, y'know.

There was someone on this forum DID book another (real!) dungeon and the scammer of course ghosted him.

 

[ja****]

Well if we are talking soft limits that's gonna change along the way as you evolve in the relationship between you and your do me, but the hard limits should always be respected and straight to the point and with no compromising (they can talk about it try to understand what is your ***s whats your inner thoughts about the limits but they shouldn't cross it) and keep your self the privilege of a safe word that it will stop all things at once

[Deleted Member]

On 11/25/2024 at 11:05 AM, Deleted profile said:

Several of the Mistresses who have approached me (I mean of the ones who seem genuine of course) want to “try me out” and don’t want to agree limits beforehand but want to discover them in play.

Is that the usual approach these days?

No, it's really not. Consent culture is in full swing: communication and negotiation are being pushed as much, if not moreso, as when I entered the scene 25 years ago. Heck, there's even an educational group called Consent Academy. Events put on my a local Femdom team called Yes Mi'Lady lay out negotiation sheets on tables for anyone who wants to negotiate for play either during that event or a later one.

 

Even negotiating doesn't guarantee that a dominant may not accidentally trip an emotional landmine: emotions of all sorts can bubble up during kink play. But to ignore clearly stated limits in favor of "the thrill of the unknown" is unwise at best, predatory at worst.