Ask Stella | BDSM Sex Tips | I Can't Do Without My Mistress

New to BDSM? Need BDSM advice? No fear, intimacy educator, sex coach and author Stella Starlight's monthly advice column is here to help. This month, Stella responds to a fetish.com member who has recently split from his wife who was also his mistress... 

“I’ve recently separated from my wife who was my mistress. I have taken a huge hit to my confidence due to how I see myself. She said there was nothing wrong, but I don't believe her. What we had was amazing, and I don't think I can do without her.” ~ Anonymous


Dear anonymous,

That sounds painful. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and I’m glad you’re reaching out for support. I think most of us have experienced a painful breakup in our lives, and that feeling that we’ll never be whole again is one most of us can relate to.

The relationship I was in when I first engaged in heavy D/s dynamics was tumultuous at best. Our kinks aligned in a way that seemed perfect. I was getting to explore both the kinky activities and kinky sex I’d been dreaming of, and the power dynamics on top of it all made me think I’d found exactly what I’d always wanted.

But the rest of the relationship was a nightmare and emotionally abusive. It took me a while to come to terms with this. Even as I started to realise how unhealthy it was for me, I felt unwilling to leave because I feared that I’d never find kink and D/s like that again. And you know what? I haven’t.

This isn't because kink and power dynamics haven’t been a good fit with anyone since, but because the toxic nature of that relationship made everything feel more intense. I was always on the edge of my seat, wondering what would happen next, wondering if I would be rejected or left behind. I also pushed my limits because I was so focused on trying to please my Dom, trying to be the submissive he wanted me to be.

I’m not suggesting that your relationship was unhealthy. There’s not nearly enough information here to suss that out. But when I hear someone say they “can’t do without” a particular partner, I do get that tingle that tells me something might not be right.
 

Codependency can be very subtle 

When we begin to see ourselves as one half of a whole, the loss of the relationship can take a significant toll on our self-esteem, and it sounds like that’s what has happened to you here. Believe me; I’ve been there too. It’s easy to place our self-esteem and confidence in the desire other’s have for us. But ultimately that’s unsustainable. You can only count on yourself for validation, and being able to give that to yourself will put you in a much better place for your next relationship.

I don’t believe in “the one” or even the dozen. I think we all have countless matches for love, romance, and kink. And although it can feel absolutely devastating when we lose a relationship, especially when it’s before we were ready to let go, it does get easier with time.

I know that feels like a platitude, but it’s also true. Time alone won’t do the trick though. It matters how you spend that time. If you spend it all pining over your lost love, you’re not going to heal.
 

Take time and explore

Mourn the loss of this relationship while knowing that there are many more adventures waiting for you when you’re ready. It might be a good idea to use this time to read some books about relationships, and perhaps also about kink. There is always more to learn about what’s possible, and you may even learn more about yourself, and what you’re looking for.

When you feel ready, start meeting people in your local scene. Go to munches and other events and let the organisers know that you’re new and nervous. Most people who run these kinds of events will be happy to introduce you to a few folks and make you feel welcome. (If they don’t, find another.)

In the meanwhile, you could also explore working with professionals. Everything from therapy to phone sex. If you’re having difficulty coping with this loss, therapy might be the support you need. If you simply want to find that there are other people you can explore your kinks with, phone sex, cam work, or even an in-person pro domme might be very helpful for you. (Be sure to check references!)

However you decide to move forward, please know that the kink community is generally very accepting and supportive, and I’m confident you’ll be able to find your place if and when you’re ready. And until then, please know that heartbreak is common and natural and you’re not alone.

I hope you find everything that you’re looking for and that you continue to reach out for help and support as needed. 

Good luck! Stella Starlight xx


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