Pushing limits and waking to tears

[Deleted Member]

This is a question is for considerate Dom’s and Subs that have met or passed their limits.  Shallow perverts and fakes need not reply please.

 

First I should say that my sub is a woman I have loved dearly for many years before she was my sub.

Last night was an amazing scene, a little needed context. 

It was a night of bondage,  breath play and  domination.

But limits were pushed. 

Anal training began with her self training on her knees and stood bent over in front of me while I sat drinking wine enjoying myself immensely keeping her mind sharp with my crop. 

It moved to me training her with new but plug, a considerate one size increase from what she has achieved before. I had reassured her out of play that I wouldn’t rush to put it all in and see how she went,  in scene she was enjoying it loads and it was nearly all in. In my mind training needs to be at least a slight push of limits past the complete pleasure, So in it went. She held it for a while looking hot as fuck shaking her arse for me . God I love her. 

After I took it out she was breathless and panting which drove me crazy I ordered her on her knees to take my cock in her throat - she moved too slow so I helped her up with fist full of her hair and squeezes her throat while I explained why I had “assisted” again gasping for breath she took my cock in her throat and did as she was told.

she was rewarded with orgasm after orgasm .

So what’s the problem .... 

this morning she was crying- something that I do not look past. I learned from her that she had been seconds away from her safe word during the anal training , so this was extremely intense , straight into my “assistance “ which was very intense - straight in to my dominance and breath play with cock in throat - all VERY VERY intense . 

Whilst telling me she had had a great time, it had overwhelmed her and she was at odds with coping with that. 

Despite sticking to our contract I had pushed her over a line, a line drawn in a place I didnt even realise a line could be. 

She tells me she is ok, and that she is not “ phoning in sick “. But I had not anticipated the different aspects the psychological journey yhat my sub would have taken travel. 

I do not want to break her ,  and ultimately she has told me that she had amazing time.

But her husband and her dom are somewhat conflicted in my head when I see her so upset.

she tells me she feels vulnerable and  I have reassured her and perhaps this is just part of the process ?

i would like to hear the thoughts of any sub / dom that may identify or offer advice ?

G

[VictoriaBlisse]

I don't think anything is ever black and white. I can't really speak from experience as I've not found my limits yet (scary in it's own way, that) but it sounds to me like communication was in place. I would continue to talk and check in with your sub, see if she neds anything or has worked out why she felt the way she did in the morning. I really think honest communication is key. 

[Deleted Member]

For the Doms that may reply , I feel as though I have understated the extent to which this is bothered me. 

Is it normal to be torn about this whole thing ? 

G

[Robustlove]

As a Dom who has been in similar situations before myself I believe I can give you some advice.

Probably the most important thing that has been said in your post, for me at least is where you say “She tell me she feels vulnerable”. That right there tells me that something went wrong in your play session and so we need to analyse what went wrong to make her react in this way and feel vulnerable. If she feels vulnerable it is because you have done something to make her feel this way and it’s your responsibility to analyse and find out where things went wrong and work to make sure that you not only reassure her, but also make sure you do not repeat this mistake.

 

Seeing as you did push her so close to her limits and enjoyed yourself so much, I would suggest that in this case your submissive has earned a reward. If she likes going to the theatre or to dinner then take her out and tell her the reason you are doing so is because you are so proud of how well she has been doing in her training and how far she has gone without using her safe word to stop the training.  

 

Firstly I would ask for some more detail such as when you mentioned you were involved in anal training session and despite the risk of mixing alcohol with exploring limits and training you were drinking alcohol during the training. You say you were drinking wine, so how much wine had you drunk? Do you think that the wine and alcohol you had drunk may have been partly to blame for you not picking up on signs of her discomfort and getting so close to one of her limits and nearly using her safe word?

 

I ask this because you say that once you had pushed and forced the anal plug all the way in, after her keeping it there for some time her next response was sluggish and too slow. Instead of allowing your own needs and passion overwhelm your senses and control, at this point I would have stopped and asked her if she is OK or why she was moving so gingerly. I could be reading this wrong but it sounds to me like there was a warning sign that she was not ok and you had missed it and simply carried on with the next intense parts of the session without noticing this. Although it was only a small detail in the eyes of many, for us Dom’s we should be picking up on all these small and insignificant signals and using them to gauge our submissive reactions as a submissive will always push themselves close to their limits as they know it will be pleasing to their Dom; but recognising when they are close and not allowing them to feel as if you could take it too far is a big part of a Dom’s responsibility. I do wonder if the alcohol had dulled your perceptions or senses in this instance and in all honesty I would never attempt that type of anal training when drinking or with alcohol in my system, it’s too risky in my book.    

 

Had you maybe taken a break after the anal training and comforted her, hugged her and told her how well she had done and make her feel more comforted or safe before continuing straight away with another set of intense actions then you would possibly never had found her crying or needing to talk about this with her as she would have felt far more safe and cared for instead of feeling vulnerable as she does/did. This is something you have to modify in your own technique with her for at least some of the more intense type of play and training, don’t be in so much of a rush to push her and after any training take the time to slow things down, reassure her about how well she has done and how happy you are with her before continuing into any other intense forms of play.    

When submissive get close to their limits as yours did, they can often feel very overwhelmed by the experience and it can often make them question themselves and their Dom’s, it’s a natural part of many D/s relationships to come up against these type of issues, so try not to feel too bad as we have all been there and learned from these type of experiences. Your submissive has told you how much enjoyment she got from the session, so some small modifications to your technique or the amount of comfort and reassurance you give her when pushing her limits and you may find it far more beneficial for you both. I would also suggest cutting out the use of alcohol when doing any form of intense training as you need your proper senses and awareness about you to make sure that you are still keeping your submissive safe from harm and safe from yourself.

 

I don’t know if that helps much but it’s how I see things from my own perspective.   

 

And yes it is Ok and perfectly normal to feel the way you do about the situation and what has happened, many of us Dom's have been there before and you don;t get to become a good Dom without making a few errors of judgement or mistakes along the way. It's our mistakes that allow us to learn and grow as Dom's and people and it's Ok to admit that you make them even if your a Dom! 

[Deleted Member]

Robustlove - thank you the obvious amount of time it must have taken to share your detailed view. 

I do take your point about the wine and will definitely consider it more, I would be lying to myself if I tried to pretend I was stone cold sober but In fairness 1 glass is all I drink - it was more about the image / experience.

Think smoking a cigar like a boss ? 

In any case in principle I don’t drive if I only had a little to drink and know I’m below the limit through caution, so why am I not offering the same caution to my superstar sub ? Because I had a dick moment.

 

 if there is even the slightest chance I’ve missed a sign because of it - which you highlight well- then it won’t happen again. Done.

 

I agree that we need to be analytical and indeed have spent all day thinking about it and talking to her. And again you are correct - there should have been more reassurance after the training instead of me getting carried away. 

Things ive realised through my own reflection but are more poiniant in your words. 

It just goes to show that you can be kink as hell but being Dom is serious responsibility and I need to check myself.  I need to make sure there is a firmer  grip on my own reins - perhaps the wine or perhaps a moment of bad atttude in a position of trust. 

I know now after talking with her more that it was the quick succession of back to back intensities - and you were right again - she should have been given time to recover , relax and enjoy herself. 

Shes is open to the same threshold of training again but with some modifications to the environment/ mood. Less dominance and  pressure - and I have to agree with her. Perhaps it should be a separate session and not part of a wider scene. 

I am a new Dom and not only learning her head space and body but also my own head space. I think I’ve had too many fantasies building up and may be rushing . 

Ive decided to take my foot off the gas, slow the pace of our journey and stop trying to cast a whole movie in one scene so to speak. 

 

I like your point about treating her well and taking her out and letting her know why. However my own plan ( thankfully formed before needing to be told) is to cook her dinner, ensure she has an evening of doing nothing but relaxing with candles on with rubs while I sit through something that will kill may of brain cells On tv that she loves. - this because I want to take her mind off her day and help her relax - I’ll tell her this is because I love her.

later I won’t tell her to “ get ready for me “ - instead she will have a full body massage and some multiple orgasms from nothing other than my tongue - and I’ll tell her that is because she did so well.

the date will be another day ( after pay day ) but she sends her thanks on the nudge for a date 😉

I asked only for responses from considerate Dom’s and it seems one responded.

Cheers Pal 

[Carnelian2]

Hi - it is difficult to comment on everything without actually having been there. I would say, however, that the fact that you are sensitive to how she is feeling now is important, regardless of what angle you see it from. It is important that she knows that and that you communicate, also to ensure that no trust is broken, since this is what it is all about. Her trusting you to look after her and respect her limits.

This is also where  I cannot comment further but you will maybe know if you missed any small signs, or hopefully you have enough trust between you to be able to discuss it.

best of luck

[Jo****]

I think that the fact that you are feeling and expressing your emotions says a lot about you. It's easy to get carried away when your dominating your sub especially when she's enjoying herself and it only takes a split second to reach or break their boundaries. Yous need to talk about what happened and at what she felt uncomfortable with. Don't be too hard on yourself at least you have a conscience. Chin up best of luck 

[Milkthistle]

I love the fact that you are so obviously in love and committed. Speaking from a submissive point of veiw is this possibly a case of sub drop? She loved the play, you took her to her limit (we all want that) and it can be overwhelming even for days afterwards. Good aftercare is whats needed here. Talking about how she felt, expressing her emotions during sub drop is all very healthy and normal. Allow for this and understand that this may happen from time to time as new limits are found. Take it slow for her and I am sure you will both be fine xx

[RSuttie27]

I think that RobustLove said it best. I'd be lying if I said I had anything better to add.

I'd maybe consider in the factor of a lot of pleasure your sub was going through as well though. A few times with my long distance partner an intense session, even without pain/punishment, would end up with her crying and feeling vulnerable that I had been able to cause that pleasure even from as far away. 

Although having no actual in person experience this thread has been really informative and it's given me a few points to consider for the future.

 

 

[Pa****]

I can only add a few little things to help you as a married Dom myself and based on your initial post.

Have a tranquil space that you can both escape too, even if it's just behind a panel in the same room, ideally another room. The aim is to create a place that is safe and peaceful for both of you to start readjusting and recovering.

Begin aftercare as soon as possible, very few talk about the softer side of kink, simply holding, cuddling, little gentle cleaning rituals.....these can be important to let her know silently that you love  her and relax knowing that you care for her and protect her both as a Dom and as a husband.

If you planning to have a harder kink session, do this on a Friday, this allows both of you to have time recover, you can't push conversations the aim to create space and availability for conversations to grow and be available for them.

Be careful that you do not do too many activities at once, everybody has a pace, even yourself and the pace in the relationship is set by the slowest partner....this applies to both of you.

Lastly, as husband and wife you need shared activities, this can be as simple as doing the dishes together, cooking classes, dancing class basically anything that promotes bonds between you, something that she want help with or want to try.....this is where you give yourself to her as she as given her self to you. This may not sound D/s related, but there are times (sub-drop, life stress) when she is on her knee not in submission, but because of the pressures of the world and more....this is when you get down on your knees and join her; and rise together.

 

I don't know if there is a term such as "Dom guilt", but you will know guilt when you cross a line, boundary or limit. The fact that you are aware that you feel guilt, shares that you care, don't ever be shamed of afraid of your guilt.....this will always help you to know, when to question yourself and even question your partner.

I only caution you that guilt should not be a constant feeling known after every session, take your time to review and discuss this with your partner.

 

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Milkthistle said:

I love the fact that you are so obviously in love and committed. Speaking from a submissive point of veiw is this possibly a case of sub drop? She loved the play, you took her to her limit (we all want that) and it can be overwhelming even for days afterwards. Good aftercare is whats needed here. Talking about how she felt, expressing her emotions during sub drop is all very healthy and normal. Allow for this and understand that this may happen from time to time as new limits are found. Take it slow for her and I am sure you will both be fine xx

So good to have a subs point of view, thanks !

[Deleted Member]

PatientTraveller you have made some really good points cheers. Very cool to hear from another married Dom , my wife and I have been through much together ( understatement ) and  been on our knees together many times, some times we rise together, sometimes one isn’t ready and the other waits with one hand ready and the other on a shoulder. This won’t change for us. 

Snart thoughts on changing room for calming / aftercare. I like the reverse giving - subtle but powerful I’m sure.  

 

Cheers Pal

[Robustlove]

13 hours ago, goosebumpgiver said:

Robustlove - thank you the obvious amount of time it must have taken to share your detailed view. 

I do take your point about the wine and will definitely consider it more, I would be lying to myself if I tried to pretend I was stone cold sober but In fairness 1 glass is all I drink - it was more about the image / experience.

Think smoking a cigar like a boss ?

Your most welcome goosebumpgiver and thank you for the compliment, it was kind of you. I can understand better now that the glass of wine was more about scene setting and window dressing than about getting a bit sloshed and I'm glad to hear that. I am also very reassured and impressed by your attitude and openness in sharing what has happened and asking for advice. Your empathy for your partner after what has happened and the obvious love and care you have shown towards her with the depths of feelings you have for her is clearly evident. She is a lucky woman to have you and not all Dom's are as kind, caring or understanding of a submissive's needs and aftercare, so you should give yourself a big pat on the back for reaching out for some advice and doing all the right things even before the great replies and comments came flooding in for you both.

 

29 minutes ago, goosebumpgiver said:

I know now after talking with her more that it was the quick succession of back to back intensities - and you were right again - she should have been given time to recover , relax and enjoy herself. 

Shes is open to the same threshold of training again but with some modifications to the environment/ mood. Less dominance and  pressure - and I have to agree with her. Perhaps it should be a separate session and not part of a wider scene. 

What you have said above about the quick succession of intensities with differing types of play is something that many Dom's can often overlook (I have myself from time to time) and forget; we need to always remember that as much as we are enjoying ourselves, we also need to give our submissive time to catch their breath and actually enjoy the feelings of whatever type of play or scene has just ended before pushing forward with another type of play or scene. PatientTravellers advice here is extraordinarily helpful in this regard and finding the right pacing that not only works to keep you both happy and satisfied, but also gives you both time to enjoy and bathe in the feelings you give to each other during play without anyone feeling rushed or under too much pressure. 

 

13 hours ago, goosebumpgiver said:

I am a new Dom and not only learning her head space and body but also my own head space. I think I’ve had too many fantasies building up and may be rushing . 

Ive decided to take my foot off the gas, slow the pace of our journey and stop trying to cast a whole movie in one scene so to speak

As a relatively new Dom I think you are doing a very good job of Domming and looking after, caring for and protecting your submissive partner and as Milkthistle so kindly mentioned Sub drop is something that all of us Dom's experience from one time to another; it's at these times that a Dom is tested or challenged to put the needs of his submissive and her after care beyond any of his own needs and I think you have this all handled very well from what you are telling us, so I think you have little need to carry any guilt or worry forward from here as Patientraveller has already stated. I have no doubt that after some of the TLC you are planning and some more good chats and relaxing times together that you will both be back to your Dominant and submissive best and exploring each others fantasies and boundaries with lusty and wanton abandon. 

 

All the best for the future my freind 

[Deleted Member]

This is such an interesting thread... as a sub, we know we have a safe word- I know from what you have said that you have discussed this process with your wife/sub at length, she will have hers.  

As a new sub, I am incredibly impatient and want it all now but Sir is managing this very well and keeping me in line, for which I am very grateful. This aspect of his control is a massive turn on for me.

As for my safe word, I haven’t yet needed it as I feel we are progressing together and he recognises when I’m nearing my limits. The comments about clarity of mind I feel are very pertinent and again very helpful to read. 

The aftercare/ other aspects of the relationship where bonds are strengthened —— wow wow wow, these bits are as delicious for me as a sub as waking up with bruises and memories of the day before..... the soft loving side is so sweet and tender my heart is melting at the thought. As much as a Don may want a lady in the street and a whore in the bedroom, a sub wants a gentle man in the street and a power house in the bedroom (just made that up but you know what I mean!)!!

As someone said before your love for your wife/ sub is clear and you are both learning. Be kind and respectful and keep sharing!! What a great adventure this is!! Now I’m full of anticipation and a bit horny!!!

[Deleted Member]

Well said my girl x

[Deleted Member]

I  have to say that I joined here because I wanted to become part of the BDSM community and had no one else in my closest circles that would understand, or even listen without judgement.

So I reached out .

All that have replied have set the example for the BDSM community and I am not only impressed but grateful.

i enjoy writing and sharing so keep your eyes open for more threads in the future if your interested ? 

Also keep eyes open for friends requests inbound from me- for those interested. No I’ll feelings if you bounce them back still post with me.

thanks again folkes

G

P.s - we are back to our selves , this morning was an impromptu spanking with crop where she did not need to kneel for me. It was more for her than for me, she loved it- ending with my cock in her mouth and cum over face was a cheeky bonus that saw me skipping to work 😉

[VictoriaBlisse]

Very glad you got what you needed, goosebumpgiver, thank you for being part of our community.