How to attract a genuine Domme

[Deleted Member]

Negative people always have excuses. 

People who complain about not getting what they want.... I don't have time to even listen to these people. I hate complainers. Step back and look at how much you have in your life. And if you don't have the things you want, do something about it. 

[ey****]

I think a lot is priorities and kinda deciding what they are.

A lot is also the value in what you place in things.

There's also a saying that people often make the mistake of putting things off now in the hope they can buy the time later.

Any form of meeting, session, whatever is more than 3 hours of fun. Especially in the early days.   I don't just mean the excitement. The anticipation. The build up.  I don't just mean the afterglow.

I don't just mean that time a couple of days later when memories come flooding back and you end up with an orgasmic wank you'd never experienced before. 

But, that it's something that... it reveals parts of your sexuality and sex identity.  Confirms suspicions you held, or introduces you to new parts of yourself you never imagined.    

Granted, the industry may change again. But, 2-3 years, more, Dommes will still be there.  Mind. €200ph now, might be €250-300ph then. Whether this being down to rising costs or more exclusivity. Be it that many are now having to put out solo content online and some are doing so well they probably don't need to take on new clients. However.

That also; at a choice between a holiday and a Domme; that choosing the Domme is an act of sacrifice, submission within itself. And making decisions to benefit Dominants puts in a good mindset for the future.  For times when you may end up in service on a lifestyle basis

It's not 3 hours of fun; it's a big step in a whole journey.  If you don't see the value in that - is kink really for you?

And that also.... 3 hour session or a 2-3 week holiday... why not a 2 hour session and 1 week holiday?

 

[SissyRIanne]

2 hours ago, MsWhiteRose said:

@SissyRIanne this is the kind of excuse I grow tiresome of. You have said you would rather use that *** to go on a vacation. Excellent. You are a lucky person that you have choices for how to spend your disposable income. Your choice. But don't complain about not finding a Domme. 

And 200 euros for an hour is reasonable. Don't make me explain why. 

 

You make so many assumptions in this statement while you don't bother at all to check them:
- If you have the *** to go to a pro-domme you're lucky to be that wealthy in the first place.
- I choose to prefer backpacking, because that has long lasting benefits for me, both mental health, but also physically: last summer I lost 7 kg in 3 weeks of backpacking.
-You assume I don't find 200 euros an hour reasonable, I never said that, all I said was that for me that's a ton of *** I can't afford to spend without drastically impacting another part of my life.
-I don't complain about not finding a Domme, truth be told I'm looking for a relationship with someone I enjoy being around more then finding a Domme, even though that would be a plus.

Also I want to add I really don't like the *** undertone I'm sensing in a lot of your posts, this should be a place to discuss, to openly share our opinions, but you use unchecked assumptions, describe people with different opinions with a heavy tone of mockery lying underneath.

I'd like it if we could go back to a constructive discussion, instead of trying to push our own opinions as the well established truth.

[Si****]

Some people chose to spend £10 a day on smoking. Others (like me) chose to have a morning coffee and fresh croissant and watch the world go by at £5 each day.

Each to themselves. But i hear people complaining they don't have any *** but are forever buying stuff, They spend their *** on the things that are important to them. If they are so unhappy with not having the *** they need, they need to rethink what they can alter in their lives to free up that ***.

Its not how much *** we have, its how we chose to spend it.

With this lockdown, no one is going anywhere so save up now and look forward to what you decide to spend it on later.

My Fav coffee shop is shut, so I'm making my own coffee and croissant. I'm not complaining. I'm saving my ***.

 

[ey****]

25 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

Each to themselves. But i hear people complaining they don't have any *** but are forever buying stuff, They spend their *** on the things that are important to them. If they are so unhappy with not having the *** they need, they need to rethink what they can alter in their lives to free up that ***.

absolutely; I think that's an important point and it's very important to know what priority is

I think this is another comment I'm about to make which is somewhat controversial - but, hey ho - kink in general can be a really expensive lifestyle for one reason or another and sometimes folk will look at something be it the price of clothing, toys, clubs, sessions (or dungeon hire) and sometimes the overheads to get there (killer for me is train fares!) and sometimes... the prices look prohibitive because ultimately it's not maybe that much of a priority.  That's fair, obviously.  I certainly don't do as much as I'd like.  But, it's certainly about where the priority lies.

And if it's "I would do kink - but coin...." then it often states that it's a confession that kink isn't really a priority.

[SissyRIanne]

15 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

absolutely; I think that's an important point and it's very important to know what priority is

I think this is another comment I'm about to make which is somewhat controversial - but, hey ho - kink in general can be a really expensive lifestyle for one reason or another and sometimes folk will look at something be it the price of clothing, toys, clubs, sessions (or dungeon hire) and sometimes the overheads to get there (killer for me is train fares!) and sometimes... the prices look prohibitive because ultimately it's not maybe that much of a priority.  That's fair, obviously.  I certainly don't do as much as I'd like.  But, it's certainly about where the priority lies.

And if it's "I would do kink - but coin...." then it often states that it's a confession that kink isn't really a priority.

One can easily be kinky but not have it be a huge priority, also things like train fares to be together is nothing different from a vanilla relationship. and instead of hiring dungeons, buying gear and clothes, vanilla people would spend *** on activities like dinner, musea, movies etc

[ey****]

25 minutes ago, SissyRIanne said:

One can easily be kinky but not have it be a huge priority, also things like train fares to be together is nothing different from a vanilla relationship. and instead of hiring dungeons, buying gear and clothes, vanilla people would spend *** on activities like dinner, musea, movies etc

exactly; dating in general is expensive

I think though and tying in with the vibe of this thread.  It's certainly more difficult to find a Domme when kink isn't a priority.

[Deleted Member]

Great post and well articulated; I do find messages from Dommes telling me I’m going to be their slave a bit off putting (usually fakes), so I think this is a useful tip for subs like me and others.

Thank you MsWhiterose!

[Si****]

8 minutes ago, Saints2494 said:

Great post and well articulated; I do find messages from Dommes telling me I’m going to be their slave a bit off putting (usually fakes), so I think this is a useful tip for subs like me and others.

Thank you MsWhiterose!

Just as off putting as subs saying they worship me in the first message. lol

[Ky****]

12 hours ago, SirGreen said:

Just as off putting as subs saying they worship me in the first message. lol

although in this case at least you are probably not going to get scammed, become infuriated with time wasters but not scammed

again I think the problem is the lack of easy to find information, subs who are new to the game in terms of acknowledging their feelings often assume that they have to behave a certain way-as with other difficulties in relationships possibly the result of porn- whereas in reality as both you and @MsWhiteRose say its actually off-putting in the real world, when I started on here my off-putting was to give my mobile number too early, its something I'd always understood was a sign of submission but isn't.

[Ky****]

@SissyRIanne in my opinion, and it is just that, @MsWhiteRose is not being aggressive with you, the Mistress is being honest with you.   OK the Mistress's approach can be rather blunt but surely that's better than soothing words.  Like me on other posts you've asked a hard question and when we ask such it is surely better to receive honest replies no matter how much they may be frustrating because that's how we learn from listening to people who have our interests at heart.  As the old saying goes 'smooth words butter no parsnips'

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Kymi said:

I think the problem is the lack of easy to find information, subs who are new to the game in terms of acknowledging their feelings often assume that they have to behave a certain way-as with other difficulties in relationships possibly the result of porn

I think yes and no.  I think the problem isn't that it's difficult to find information, the problem is that a lot of people tend to go guns blazing with what they know or, rather, think they know. (which is largely building up a fictitious view from stuff like porn and other fantasy literature) 

There's a lot of magazine articles on this site with resources within themselves.  The forum as well; folk who'll sign up and make the first posts without reading other posts.  Posts are all a source of info and knowledge.   Beyond this site there are many BDSM and fetish blogs - which if we are talking F/m - there are many Female Dominants who do or have blogged (which gives an insight) and as well, some male subs who blog and have been up for awards for it (hiiiiiiiiiiii) 

As well as also listening to the type of folk you want to impress on here - listening can expand elsewhere.

Whilst obviously stuff is shut down - it's amazing how many folk seem off put by munches or treat them like hook ups, when as well as the potential for new friends - the experiences and opinions of folk there is an asset, it's learning.

I don't think the problem is a lack of information - moreso - lack of a willingness to go and find it.  Subs seem more likely to write "looking for a Mistress to train me or show me the way" and then get pissy she wants compensation in exchange for micromanagement. 

[Ky****]

@eyemblacksheep totally agree, I'm finding out more and more places on here, I've certainly written something similar to "looking for a Mistress to train me or show me the way" although in my case I am fully accepting that it is the Lady's right to ask for compensation for this level of support, so long as She's honest on her profile that she's a professional, get v annoyed with being contacted and then payment demanded on 2nd or 3rd message when its not on their profile, 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Kymi said:

@SissyRIanne in my opinion, and it is just that, @MsWhiteRose is not being aggressive with you, the Mistress is being honest with you.   OK the Mistress's approach can be rather blunt but surely that's better than soothing words.  Like me on other posts you've asked a hard question and when we ask such it is surely better to receive honest replies no matter how much they may be frustrating because that's how we learn from listening to people who have our interests at heart.  As the old saying goes 'smooth words butter no parsnips'

 

Smooth words butter no parsnips. 

I've not heard that one, but I like it. 

I'm not being aggressive here. Sometimes I am aggressive with people - usually in DMs after a lengthy discussion in which I've given a great deal of my time and many suggestions to help someone progress and grow. @SissyRIanneyou have had the benefit of that from me, already. 

I absolutely stand by what I've said here. It is simply a matter of being honest and speaking truthfully. That's what I do. I'm not here to cosset people and and dish out platitudes. I have the benefit of 20+ years more experience than you and you should thank me for offering that to you, Sissy. 

The problem I see over and over is that people don't like women to be dominant. They don't like women to have an opinion and to state it clearly. I don't see anyone challenging male dominants this way in the forum (apart from myself, challenging FabSeverus). 

Get over it. 

[Ky****]

@MsWhiteRose thank you for offering advice, ex Sissy Kymi

[Jinxy]

On 3/21/2020 at 4:49 PM, MsWhiteRose said:

Dommes get a bad rap around here. So it's time to put the record straight. 

Yes, there are some scammers and unscrupulous women who use the power of the role to extort *** from submissives. They're the ones you need to avoid. If and when you find a genuine Domme, it's up to you to impress her. 

 

Many of the male subs who approach me start by telling me about their list of kinks and the things they want me to do to them. "Punish me, Ma'am," - "Put me in chastity, Ma'am" - "Control my orgasms, Ma'am" - "Crush my balls, feminize me, make me a sissy, Ma'am."
When a man starts with this stuff, I'm quickly turned OFF by him. If his main focus is getting his kicks through me, I'm not interested. 

I might be into those things but it's not how a kinky relationship starts. My desire to do those things to my sub comes AFTER I get to know him and decide that he's worthy of my time and attention. 

 

So, how can you get my attention and impress me? 

Be a man. Don't be a wimp. Even if you are a sissy. 

Be articulate. ALL of the men who've had relationships with me have been able to hold up their end of an ongoing conversation. They are interesting, funny and spirited. Be like them. 

Be prepared to wine and dine me. Yes, even as a Domme, I want to be seduced. Send me flowers, buy me gifts. Be thoughtful. Put yourself out for me, and I will be impressed. 

Be well-groomed and smartly-dressed. 

I don't like smokers or men who drink excessively. 

 

Does that sound unreasonable to you?  
Think of it like old-fashioned courting. 
The kinky shit comes after that. 

All of this! Exactly. A good rule of thumb is converse like you would in person. Too many use online as an excuse to disregard basic manners and conversation skills. Would you open a conversation with someone in person like that? No? Then rethink it.

[Be****]

I have a job that often requires me to be away for months at a time, and I'm not really interested in paying for a professional dominatrix on a session by session basis. It's been very frustrating trying to find someone I find attractive who is both a dom and receptive to the idea of a long distance relationship. 

Do you have any advice?

[ey****]

4 hours ago, BenO97 said:

I have a job that often requires me to be away for months at a time, and I'm not really interested in paying for a professional dominatrix on a session by session basis. It's been very frustrating trying to find someone I find attractive who is both a dom and receptive to the idea of a long distance relationship. 

Do you have any advice?

Thinking aside from the Domination side.   How do you find/manage other relationships?

It may be worth considering if any form of Poly relationship would work

[Ky****]

@ben097 I thought the same way, but as a short term measure have found sessioning with a professional dominatrix can help a person to get ideas straight in their heads for when they approach people for a relationship, it does give you some experience of submission that you can talk over with your partner or potential one, so my advice would be don't rule it out as a useful educational school

[Be****]

9 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

Thinking aside from the Domination side.   How do you find/manage other relationships?

It may be worth considering if any form of Poly relationship would work

To tell you the truth I haven't been able to make any kind of relationship work since I got this job. I simply not home for long enough that I have time to meet anyone. It's a shame, because I love what I'm doing and I don't want to quit. I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to accept that maybe I'll just have to be single for the next few years.

[Jinxy]

1 hour ago, BenO97 said:

To tell you the truth I haven't been able to make any kind of relationship work since I got this job. I simply not home for long enough that I have time to meet anyone. It's a shame, because I love what I'm doing and I don't want to quit. I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to accept that maybe I'll just have to be single for the next few years.

That’s a possibility. It sometimes takes a bit to find someone even when you’re not working with the long distance aspect. Another option would be to think about what you want... and then decide what you’re willing to compromise on. It’s almost guaranteed that you won’t get the exact relationship you’re looking for. At least, not everything. So see what things you’d be willing to accept or do as compromises to possibly help your search parameters for a potential partner. And maybe a friends with benefits situation would work? Where if you’re both in the same place at the same time, you have the option to play together but otherwise friends outside of that? Or depending where your job is sending you and how often, maybe it would be an option to look at that location for a partner instead of your home base? Good luck! 

[Be****]

I suppose I could do some poking around out where I'm deploying. It's a pretty remote and tight knit community, so I'd be worried about word getting out and impacting my standing with the locals. I'm naturally sort of an introvert so I tend not to get out much even when I do have free time. I guess the solution to my problem is probably to just start forcing myself to go to more events.

[Vetboss]

Wow thank you for the advice. I will take this on my journey until the grave gets me. 

[Th****]

On 6/4/2020 at 5:57 AM, Jinxy said:

All of this! Exactly. A good rule of thumb is converse like you would in person. Too many use online as an excuse to disregard basic manners and conversation skills. Would you open a conversation with someone in person like that? No? Then rethink it.

I agree with @MsWhiteRose totally. Whether it is here, anywhere else online or even at certain munches. You repeatedly see a tendency for Dommes to not get as much respect as Dominants.

I will be frank here, I do not care what certain Wannabe Dommes do. It as terrible but they are NOT Dommes.

Wannabe Dominants do there own fair share of damage and we do not get tarred with that same brush.

Everyone has the right to deserve to be courted and respected before any thing kinky even gets on the table. (No pun intended.)

Whether Dom/me or submissive we all deserve the level of respect being talked about here.

Personally, I think Dommes get a far worse reaction because they are one Zenith of sexually empowered womanhood and that makes some people feel threatened.

Amazing OP! 

 

*Drags soap box off stage left*

[DollieUK]

What advice do you recommend for opening up about your fetishes or kinks?

 

I’ve been single for 2 years; my last relationship ended because I opened up about my kinks and so has any previous ones. Despite those relationships being great and going well until I opened my mouth due to it killing me to keep it quiet. 

It’s gotten to the point where I think I’m destined to never find someone who shares the same interests.

I can’t spend my life keeping these kinks a secret. It’s depressing.