How Do You Separate Your Heart from a Dynamic?

[Ty****]

I'm a Mistress/dom with a male slave. I have bpd which influences heavily my emotions and impulsively, which goes against my demeanor of control that I must have. I measure and weigh every word, every action. It's hard, though, keeping my emotions always in check. Because it's far too easy for me to get too emotionally invested in someone. To try and keep that distance, (which I don't always succeed in) I try to distract myself with things not bdsm related like video games. I admit though, it's very hard not to just let my emotions free and fall into every emotion that there is.

[Gl****]

2 hours ago, TylarasMistress said:

I'm a Mistress/dom with a male slave. I have bpd which influences heavily my emotions and impulsively, which goes against my demeanor of control that I must have. I measure and weigh every word, every action. It's hard, though, keeping my emotions always in check. Because it's far too easy for me to get too emotionally invested in someone. To try and keep that distance, (which I don't always succeed in) I try to distract myself with things not bdsm related like video games. I admit though, it's very hard not to just let my emotions free and fall into every emotion that there is.

Then find someone you can do that with. Have your cake and eat it too. Life’s way too short.

[Li****]

Chemically, women cannot help but become attached over time. Upon orgasm, women release oxytocin (the bonding hormone). Men do not.

So any more than a few orgasms with the same guy and we’re catching feels.
Expecting women to not do this is expecting 1+1 to not equal 2.

[Lu****]

This was a fantastic topic and an insightful read. I know from experience that I need to have a bond with the play partner, otherwise I disassociate and get a little heavy handed.

[Ma****]

Totally agree with Lady _King

[Ma****]

hier à 11:15, Lady_King said:

I go with the easiest route and also the hardest one.

I don’t do casual at all.
It’s either for long term relationships or not at all.
I can’t separate my feelings and love while engaging in such intense and intimate activities.
Amazed with those who could.

Both parties need to be involved romantically and emotionally or it wont happen.

Yes totally agree with this.

[Pl****]

So much wisdom packed into this post chain—it feels like striking gold!
Trust is the bedrock of all relationships, and forming bonds of trust while avoiding deeper connections seems impossible to me. Perhaps a sociopath could simulate this dynamic, but without trust, no one should be granted power if you value your well-being.

That said, I often reflect on how relationships mirror concentric circles, where energies intertwine and amplify more the closer to the core. In BDSM, this energy exchange can reach extremes—sometimes surpassing even the intensity of birth or physical intimacy. As this can strengthen bonds tremendously, It’s a reminder to remain acutely aware of who we’re sharing our energy with. Otherwise, we risk being blindsided when their true nature emerges from the mask we’ve placed upon them.

Stay discerning; your energy is sacred.

[Pl****]

9 hours ago, LilyMagnus said:

Chemically, women cannot help but become attached over time. Upon orgasm, women release oxytocin (the bonding hormone). Men do not.

So any more than a few orgasms with the same guy and we’re catching feels.
Expecting women to not do this is expecting 1+1 to not equal 2.

I expect 1+1=11 though...

[gw****]

11 hours ago, LilyMagnus said:

Chemically, women cannot help but become attached over time. Upon orgasm, women release oxytocin (the bonding hormone). Men do not.

So any more than a few orgasms with the same guy and we’re catching feels.
Expecting women to not do this is expecting 1+1 to not equal 2.

I tried to post the arclticke but I guess that is against the rules, but scientists have found it to be different now “Neuroscientists also note that even though oxytocin clearly plays an important role in regulating social behaviors like pair-bonding and parental care, it’s not the only actor. “Falling in love is a full brain and body experience,” says Kozorovitskiy. “It has sensory elements and cognitive elements, and memory is important. Is oxytocin one of the many modulators that is mediating all those changes? Absolutely. But can we pin it all on oxytocin? That’s definitely an oversimplification.”

[Deleted Member]

On 3/31/2025 at 8:26 PM, Janie-W said:

Pick-up play is not my jam. Wish it could be. Demi-sexual here, need an emotional & mental connection to play with ***, pleasure, and the exchange of power. Demi-service is the same. It has to come from my heart to take that deep dive into BDSM. If not.. what is the point? To just have a person hit me with things - no thanks... Lol

I agree with you 

[Wh****]

I love this thread. Me and my sub are working through our dynamic and want to back the emotional side. I'm s good caregiver and trying to listen to her when to change the scene to match the emotional side of our life. A lot of good tears are spent

[Deleted Member]

I’m not one for a 24/7 dynamic. And monogamous. I need to love my (play) partner in order for everything else involved to happen. I’m probably more a Top than a Dom. So for me, no emotional or any other kind of distance, quite the opposite. Unless that distance is part of a tease, and thus part of our play.

[Ka****]

I think it is nearly impossible to separate those two. Especially the deeper you get into your dynamic.
You build trust, share emotions and if you are in a dynamic that is more than a bedroom one, even more so.
And my question is, why would you want to separate those things?
If it happens, you fall in love, be open and communicate with your partner to make sure no one gets hurt. Be gentle with yourself and eachother. 💕

[Ro****]

Personally, I push for a friendship foundation. Friends can care for each other. Talk to each other even on hard subjects. The aim should NOT be a no feelings connection. We're humans, we feel. However, if I feel I'm pouring in more than they're willing to pour into it, I'll pull back. Sometimes, people will surprise you.

[sw****]

Personal rules and boundaries can work if that initial spark for that person is not present. Hopefully you understand what I mean by that. I’ve definitely formed categories in my lifetime and very unintentionally.
- dislike being around them
- are okay with their company
- want to be around them more as you really enjoy their company
- want to touch them more
- want to kiss them
- want to have sex straight away

If you meet someone and instantly want to kiss them.. steer right away from them haha unless you want a relationship. The others can be navigated if you have self control. If however self control is not a strong suit I suggest just laying back and enjoying what happens next. In the end you just have to enjoy what comes and make hopefully more happy than sad memories in life so you are content x

[Li****]

Wednesday at 12:27 AM, pretty-praire83460 said:

I tried to post the arclticke but I guess that is against the rules, but scientists have found it to be different now “Neuroscientists also note that even though oxytocin clearly plays an important role in regulating social behaviors like pair-bonding and parental care, it’s not the only actor. “Falling in love is a full brain and body experience,” says Kozorovitskiy. “It has sensory elements and cognitive elements, and memory is important. Is oxytocin one of the many modulators that is mediating all those changes? Absolutely. But can we pin it all on oxytocin? That’s definitely an oversimplification.”

That sounds like a fascinating read. Would you mind dropping me the article via DM please? Tysm!

[gl****]

I’m interested in the article as well… please. Thank you!

[de****]

I remember the first time I caught the first girl to cheat on me and I knew it turned me on as much as it got me filled with emotional hurt that I turned into punishment for her and getting her to confess she wanted both of us in her at the same time

[de****]

I don't show my jealousy instead I encourage my girlfriends dress sexy and to flirt with whoever she likes and to do it in front of me so theirs no sneaking around although I like to be sneaky with other females not my girlfriend who might be with someone else and needs that strange

[Deleted Member]

The appeal in every dynamic for me is the play combined with the emotions I feel. It makes it intense. Otherwise it would be boring. The only advice I'd give you is clear communication with your partners and to be honest with yourself.

[Vi****]

I'd be the wrong person to ask. Personally, I need to at least know you as a person so I don't dehumanized you during a scene, unless that is the scene.

I don't think I'd ever want to separate my heart from my play.

[Deleted Member]

BC

[Pa****]

April 1, LilyMagnus said:

Chemically, women cannot help but become attached over time. Upon orgasm, women release oxytocin (the bonding hormone). Men do not.

So any more than a few orgasms with the same guy and we’re catching feels.
Expecting women to not do this is expecting 1+1 to not equal 2.

Actually men do experience oxytocin. It's not just a sex triggered hormone. It's triggered by physical touch, hugs, kisses, etc. I'm sure we all can relate. Have you never been hugged by a certain person that really felt good. The hug itself was just different? It felt so natural and like it was meant to be. That feeling or bond, which can be very subtle, is a direct effect from a release of oxytocin. We all have it. That's why hugs are so popular. Or used to be... now adays these younger generations don't know what emotion is and scared to death if it.

[Ma****]

The responses & points of views here helped me alot. Thank you

[Ha****]

As a demisexual, I can’t fully separate emotions from play. Intimacy and connection go hand in hand for me, so I know feelings will grow if the dynamic deepens. I’m upfront about this from the start, so my partner knows what to expect.

When emotions get stronger than I planned, I don’t fight it. I take time to figure out whether I’m craving deeper connection or just comfort. Once I know, I talk it out rather than keeping it bottled up.

If you’re like me, it’s okay to feel deeply. Just be honest with yourself and your partner. Emotions aren’t a flaw—they’re just part of how we connect.