Coma and age gap psychology

[To****]

Scenario: you are in your mid twenties and just about to graduate college when a severe trauma puts you into a coma. You awake in 30 years later having very little recollection of anything that has happened. You have bits and pieces of memories but you're not sure if they are real, imagined, or simply told to you by people in the third person sitting at your bedside hoping you awaken. You realize you have basically no identity and it's time to build a life.

Problem: your attraction is to 20 somethings because as far as your brain is concerned you are still a 20 something. Even though your age is 50 when you look at women aged 50 even though they are attractive they seem so much older than you that in reality you see that as the age Gap. You identify more with the younger crowd but definitely have some more mature aspects as well. When you try to date older women it is uncomfortable and awkward but when you try to date 20 somethings it is considered creepy and you are told to act your age.

Question: what is the actual age gap? Who should this person be dating? Consider this problem from a true psychological diagnosable issue. The person you are dealing with still she's the world through the lens of a 25yo. though they know factually they have missed 30 years of their life.

[Sm****]

Straight up f the age gap. That's as ridiculous as people who make an issue about height, hair color, skin color, and any other genetic trait you can't change.

How about this - "Are you adults?" "YES?" "Then do whatever the hell you want."

As long as you get along and are on the same page in life why does it matter what anyone else's opinion of your relationship is? Do what makes YOU happy.

[cy****]

12 minutes ago, SmokeyJ said:

Straight up f the age gap. That's as ridiculous as people who make an issue about height, hair color, skin color, and any other genetic trait you can't change.

How about this - "Are you adults?" "YES?" "Then do whatever the hell you want."

As long as you get along and are on the same page in life why does it matter what anyone else's opinion of your relationship is? Do what makes YOU happy.

On this hypothetical situation, I'd agree. But realistically speaking, there is a distinct power and maturity difference when 20 something's are involved. Let's be honest here. A 22 year old is still maturing and the brain is still developing. On the older side of the 20s (28 or 29) that's not quite as much of an issue.

[Sm****]

16 minutes ago, cyclop5 said:

On this hypothetical situation, I'd agree. But realistically speaking, there is a distinct power and maturity difference when 20 something's are involved. Let's be honest here. A 22 year old is still maturing and the brain is still developing. On the older side of the 20s (28 or 29) that's not quite as much of an issue.

So old enough to smoke, go to war, get black out drunk, bang 100 22yo guys in a weekend, but not be in a consensual relationship with an older man. 👍 Got it.

[To****]

48 minutes ago, cyclop5 said:

On this hypothetical situation, I'd agree. But realistically speaking, there is a distinct power and maturity difference when 20 something's are involved. Let's be honest here. A 22 year old is still maturing and the brain is still developing. On the older side of the 20s (28 or 29) that's not quite as much of an issue.

This brings up an interesting issue. One of the biggest arguments for age Gap is that the younger person is still maturing and thus their brain is still forming. If so would you really want them to date another person their age who is also still going through changes and maturity issues rather than an older more stable person who has already been through that and can help guide.

[Wy****]

Date a 35 year old and call it a day lol

[cy****]

1 hour ago, TooRich4You said:

This brings up an interesting issue. One of the biggest arguments for age Gap is that the younger person is still maturing and thus their brain is still forming. If so would you really want them to date another person their age who is also still going through changes and maturity issues rather than an older more stable person who has already been through that and can help guide.

The issue with dating someone much older than them is the inherent power imbalance. Someone who's in their 50s has a remarkable amount of influence on someone who doesn't have near as much life experience. Plainly put - the potential to *** that lack of experience is significantly higher when someone's brain is still maturing. There's a reason why there's a trope about old men being creepy and abusive. Stereotypes generally have a basis in truth. Even if it's unintentional the potential is there.

The "advantage" to someone in their early 20s dating someone of a similar age is exactly what you brought up - they can learn from each other. The difference is that there is far less of the power imbalance with someone who's also still maturing (note that I didn't say that *** doesn't happen - but that there's less of a chance of it happening due to older having more emotional/mental power over the younger)

For those of you who still argue the point that age shouldn't matter if they're legal - what defines that age? "Legal" does not equate to "mature". At some point age actually does matter. Not _just_ due to legality. Grooming is a thing. And grooming relies on the power difference between old and young.

_Can_ someone who's in their 50s date a "barely legal"? Sure. _Should_ they do it? I would argue that no, they really shouldn't. Especially if they care at all about the younger person's development. You are unduly influencing someone who may not have the experience or maturity to know better, even if you have the best intentions.

[De****]

Two consenting adults, are just that, two consenting adults. If one is 20 but the other is 50, it’s fine. They are consenting adults. You could say that “well they are maturing.” Well when do they stop maturing? Is it just a question of the actual brain maturing or is it psychological maturing? If it’s just psychological to some people mature more quickly? It’s physiological does everyone mature at the same rate? Some people would probably be capable of consenting to something 18 or a different person probably isn’t capable till they’re 35. That’s a really deep rabbit hole. You have to set an age of consent. In the US that’s 18.

[Deleted Member]

Hey, I read your post and something about it stuck with me, but not in the way you might expect. My mind went to Lolita. Humbert Humbert, remember? He tells this story about falling in love with a girl his age when they were both 12 or 13, and when she died, he claims a part of him got frozen there. That’s his justification for being attracted to girls that age for the rest of his life -- he says he’s not a predator, he’s just emotionally stuck.
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Now obviously your scenario isn’t about pre***s, and I get that you're presenting it as a psychological thought experiment. But structurally? It’s the same blueprint, just sanitized. Humbert said, “I’m not creepy, I’m just trapped in the past.” Your post reads like: i'm not creepy, I just missed 30 years and still feel 25.
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I’m not saying you are Humbert, but the logic has the same spine: trauma or time loss becomes the reason for pursuing people way younger, and the audience is asked to empathize with the one feeling “frozen,” rather than the people being pursued.
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Even if that identity freeze is real, there’s a difference between understanding it and using it to justify actions that can cross ethical lines. Healing might mean integrating those lost years, not escaping into the past through someone else’s youth.

[Ra****]

37 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

Hey, I read your post and something about it stuck with me, but not in the way you might expect. My mind went to Lolita. Humbert Humbert, remember? He tells this story about falling in love with a girl his age when they were both 12 or 13, and when she died, he claims a part of him got frozen there. That’s his justification for being attracted to girls that age for the rest of his life -- he says he’s not a predator, he’s just emotionally stuck.
.
Now obviously your scenario isn’t about pre***s, and I get that you're presenting it as a psychological thought experiment. But structurally? It’s the same blueprint, just sanitized. Humbert said, “I’m not creepy, I’m just trapped in the past.” Your post reads like: i'm not creepy, I just missed 30 years and still feel 25.
.
I’m not saying you are Humbert, but the logic has the same spine: trauma or time loss becomes the reason for pursuing people way younger, and the audience is asked to empathize with the one feeling “frozen,” rather than the people being pursued.
.
Even if that identity freeze is real, there’s a difference between understanding it and using it to justify actions that can cross ethical lines. Healing might mean integrating those lost years, not escaping into the past through someone else’s youth.

This was my exact thought. People will see a 20 year old and a 50 year old and have their judgements for whatever reasons, but it is legal and prevalent. This feels more like an experiment to justify other things to me.

[De****]

37 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

Hey, I read your post and something about it stuck with me, but not in the way you might expect. My mind went to Lolita. Humbert Humbert, remember? He tells this story about falling in love with a girl his age when they were both 12 or 13, and when she died, he claims a part of him got frozen there. That’s his justification for being attracted to girls that age for the rest of his life -- he says he’s not a predator, he’s just emotionally stuck.
.
Now obviously your scenario isn’t about pre***s, and I get that you're presenting it as a psychological thought experiment. But structurally? It’s the same blueprint, just sanitized. Humbert said, “I’m not creepy, I’m just trapped in the past.” Your post reads like: i'm not creepy, I just missed 30 years and still feel 25.
.
I’m not saying you are Humbert, but the logic has the same spine: trauma or time loss becomes the reason for pursuing people way younger, and the audience is asked to empathize with the one feeling “frozen,” rather than the people being pursued.
.
Even if that identity freeze is real, there’s a difference between understanding it and using it to justify actions that can cross ethical lines. Healing might mean integrating those lost years, not escaping into the past through someone else’s youth.

I’m going to point out that he hasn’t crossed ethical lines. He is still talking about two consenting adults. Lolita wad not in anyway about consenting adults. What right does anyone have to tell a 22 year old who to date. Isn’t stipulating that a 22 year old can only date someone from a certain age taking away their consent?

[Ra****]

5 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

I’m going to point out that he hasn’t crossed ethical lines. He is still talking about two consenting adults. Lolita wad not in anyway about consenting adults. What right does anyone have to tell a 22 year old who to date. Isn’t stipulating that a 22 year old can only date someone from a certain age taking away their consent?

He has not, but the thought experiment itself feels disingenuous to me. People date with that age gap all the time. We see it all over the media. It feels like a first step in a step to go further to me.

[Deleted Member]

17 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

I’m going to point out that he hasn’t crossed ethical lines. He is still talking about two consenting adults. Lolita wad not in anyway about consenting adults. What right does anyone have to tell a 22 year old who to date. Isn’t stipulating that a 22 year old can only date someone from a certain age taking away their consent?

I hear you, DenverBunny and I’m definitely not saying he crossed ethical lines or that 2 consenting adults can’t date. What I was pointing out is that the structure of his reasoning reminded me of Humbert Humbert in Lolita. Not the content (obviously we're talking about adults here) but the underlying logic: I’m not creepy, I’m just frozen in time. Humbert says he was emotionally stuck after a childhood loss. Here, it’s someone waking from a coma and saying their attraction never aged. Same skeleton, different skin.
.
Actually, the coma bit also reminded me of Talk to Her (2002), the Spanish film by Almodovar. A nurse falls in love with a woman in a coma and ends up impregnating her. He doesn’t see himself as a monster -- he thinks he’s in love, thinks there’s a connection, even though she can't consent. The film doesn’t portray him as evil, which makes the *** feel even more unsettling. In both that and this post, there's this eerie sense of emotional projection being used to rewrite boundaries.
.
So yeah, I’m not coming at this with pitchforks. Just sharing where my mind went. When someone builds an elaborate story to explain why they’re drawn to much younger people, it doesn't look like just a preference anymore ... it starts looking like a justification. And maybe it’s worth asking why that story needs to be told at all, if the only goal is to seek love with another consenting adult.

[sl****]

You would have to find two girls in there 20 some things and then it would be OK because if you added their ages up together, you’ll be closer in age. 🤣🤣

[De****]

48 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

I hear you, DenverBunny and I’m definitely not saying he crossed ethical lines or that 2 consenting adults can’t date. What I was pointing out is that the structure of his reasoning reminded me of Humbert Humbert in Lolita. Not the content (obviously we're talking about adults here) but the underlying logic: I’m not creepy, I’m just frozen in time. Humbert says he was emotionally stuck after a childhood loss. Here, it’s someone waking from a coma and saying their attraction never aged. Same skeleton, different skin.
.
Actually, the coma bit also reminded me of Talk to Her (2002), the Spanish film by Almodovar. A nurse falls in love with a woman in a coma and ends up impregnating her. He doesn’t see himself as a monster -- he thinks he’s in love, thinks there’s a connection, even though she can't consent. The film doesn’t portray him as evil, which makes the *** feel even more unsettling. In both that and this post, there's this eerie sense of emotional projection being used to rewrite boundaries.
.
So yeah, I’m not coming at this with pitchforks. Just sharing where my mind went. When someone builds an elaborate story to explain why they’re drawn to much younger people, it doesn't look like just a preference anymore ... it starts looking like a justification. And maybe it’s worth asking why that story needs to be told at all, if the only goal is to seek love with another consenting adult.

How many people that “are evil” view themselves as evil?

[De****]

1 hour ago, Rainbowsandunicorns said:

He has not, but the thought experiment itself feels disingenuous to me. People date with that age gap all the time. We see it all over the media. It feels like a first step in a step to go further to me.

People may do it, but it is HIGHLY judged. Just because it’s legal and does happen doesn’t mean it universally accepted. I find taking it the possibility of Lolita really excessive. It’s also a completely banned topic here, even if you are judging it.

[Deleted Member]

18 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

How many people that “are evil” view themselves as evil?

That’s exactly the point, DenverBunny. Most people who cross moral or ethical lines don’t walk around twirling mustaches and declaring themselves evil. They believe they’re misunderstood, principled, even loving. That’s why I brought up Lolita and Talk to Her; not because the scenarios are identical, but because the structure of the justification is the same: I’m not wrong. I’m just emotionally stuck. I’m in love. You just don’t understand.

And I’d add The Piano Teacher to the mix. Haneke’s film where a repressed, emotionally stunted older woman becomes involved with her young male student. It’s not illegal. It’s not overtly exploitative. But it’s disturbing as hell, because the relationship isn’t really about connection -- it’s about reenacting buried trauma, control, and a warped sense of intimacy. Again, the sincerity is the most unsettling part.

That’s where my mind went with the original post. When someone feels the need to build a full blown psychological backstory to defend their attraction to much younger partners, it no longer reads like a simple, honest preference. It starts to feel like a preemptive defense a justification, not just a reflection.

And if a relationship is truly rooted in healthy mutual desire between two consenting adults, why does it need an origin story that pleads for understanding? Sometimes what people call context is really just cover -- bro.

[De****]

3 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

That’s exactly the point, DenverBunny. Most people who cross moral or ethical lines don’t walk around twirling mustaches and declaring themselves evil. They believe they’re misunderstood, principled, even loving. That’s why I brought up Lolita and Talk to Her; not because the scenarios are identical, but because the structure of the justification is the same: I’m not wrong. I’m just emotionally stuck. I’m in love. You just don’t understand.

And I’d add The Piano Teacher to the mix. Haneke’s film where a repressed, emotionally stunted older woman becomes involved with her young male student. It’s not illegal. It’s not overtly exploitative. But it’s disturbing as hell, because the relationship isn’t really about connection -- it’s about reenacting buried trauma, control, and a warped sense of intimacy. Again, the sincerity is the most unsettling part.

That’s where my mind went with the original post. When someone feels the need to build a full blown psychological backstory to defend their attraction to much younger partners, it no longer reads like a simple, honest preference. It starts to feel like a preemptive defense a justification, not just a reflection.

And if a relationship is truly rooted in healthy mutual desire between two consenting adults, why does it need an origin story that pleads for understanding? Sometimes what people call context is really just cover -- bro.

I’m mostly disturbed that on a kink site- a safe space- we are now talking about things like Lolita. It should not be a subject discussed here. You could have made your point without bringing up that book/subject. So to his question- age gaps of consenting adults are fine. Other things…. I’ll leave you the mods to decide if that’s an appropriate subject for debate.

[Deleted Member]

15 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

I’m mostly disturbed that on a kink site- a safe space- we are now talking about things like Lolita. It should not be a subject discussed here. You could have made your point without bringing up that book/subject. So to his question- age gaps of consenting adults are fine. Other things…. I’ll leave you the mods to decide if that’s an appropriate subject for debate.

DenverBunny, I’ve been researching discrimination in the BDSM community because I’ve been dealing with it myself. I’m still pretty new (been on and off since 2020) and recently I’ve been trying to be more consistent. But what I’ve run into is racism, microaggressions, and being dismissed or treated like a curiosity.

The study I’m referencing is titled, "Challenge at the Intersection of Race and Kink," published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2022. It found that people of color are 16x more likely to be discriminated against and 17x more likely to be fetishized in the BDSM scene. That tracks with what I’ve personally experienced.

So when I talk about discomfort or power dynamics, it’s not abstract -- it’s lived. If this is a safe space, it needs to be safe for all of us.

[De****]

10 minutes ago, MK_Zeepol said:

DenverBunny, I’ve been researching discrimination in the BDSM community because I’ve been dealing with it myself. I’m still pretty new (been on and off since 2020) and recently I’ve been trying to be more consistent. But what I’ve run into is racism, microaggressions, and being dismissed or treated like a curiosity.

The study I’m referencing is titled, "Challenge at the Intersection of Race and Kink," published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2022. It found that people of color are 16x more likely to be discriminated against and 17x more likely to be fetishized in the BDSM scene. That tracks with what I’ve personally experienced.

So when I talk about discomfort or power dynamics, it’s not abstract -- it’s lived. If this is a safe space, it needs to be safe for all of us.

That is a very different subject. There are banned subject here and the Lolita subject is one of them.

[Bo****]

If you like little girls, just say that. Stop trying to justify what you already know is a grossly unbalanced power dynamic, no matter how you slice it. Okay.

[Deleted Member]

27 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

That is a very different subject. There are banned subject here and the Lolita subject is one of them.

Damn, you saw the word Lolita and clutched your pearls so hard, they turned into a set of anal beads! You talk about “safe spaces” like it’s a trauma center, but I walk into a munch and get racially profiled harder than TSA during Ramadan with a random screening quota to hit.

I make one literary reference and you act like I pulled out Mien Kamf and started reading chapter 1 with a German accent. I said metaphor, not manifesto! You're out here crying about banned subjects while I’m just trying to exist without being reduced to someone’s exotic side quest.

You treat discourse like it’s a bomb threat but I’ve had white folks in this community treat me like I wandered into the scene by accident, or worse, like I’m there to complete their racial bucket list.

This is wild ... I bring facts, studies, lived experience, and suddenly I’m the problem? Meanwhile, I’ve seen folks brag about consensual ***ing scenes with zero pushback -- but I mention one fictional character and suddenly it's DEFCON 1. I wasn't even using Humbert as an example of someone good.

All I did was bring receipts and somehow I’m the one causing a disturbance? Nah. You’re not protecting a space. You’re protecting your comfort.

[ey****]

to be honest

if someone has been in a coma for decades the first priority shouldn't be a relationship anyway.   It's going to take a lot of time to come to terms with coming out of a coma after decades, how technology and society has shifted and help integrate back into it

but it's also not like this is a common occurance. 

[FE****]

From what I can see the discussions are on topic and relate to consenting adults.  The literary reference to an inappropriate situation is valid in relation to this conversation as it is highlighting where that thought process can lead.

[Ta****]

Oh, look, a creeper thought experiment.

As somebody who got creeped on a lot by older men once, and is now creeped out by younger men looking for a milf -

The older person explicitely looking for people decades younger then them for relationships is a very sad being. Not necessarily an ***r (though oftentimes) it is someone who never matures. They are stuck. They might think they are "able to relate", so darn flexible and still hip - but no one wants them. Their ***rs see them as immature. The 20yo might not catch this - but all those 20yo's grow, expand and leave.

The kindest portrayal of this is Mr Peanutbutter in Bojack Horseman.

In reality, we shake our heads in a mixture of pity and mild disgust at Dicaprio, Musk, all those guys and some gals who do not appear any younger, but more ridiculous every day.