I Was Exposed to the Worst of It, and I Went Silent

[Hu****]

Exposure to explicit material at a young age - rewired my arousal.

By the time I was old enough to explore sex on my own terms, I already needed increasingly intense and explicit stimulation just to feel something. That chase - for the next high, the next taboo, the next boundary to cross- became my normal. Now that I’m 42, you can imagine the kinds of rabbit holes that led me down. Some of it was thrilling. A lot of it wasn’t. And some of it… wasn’t even okay.

Eventually, I had to stop and ask myself:
What am I doing?
Who am I becoming, when this stuff leaves me feeling nothing but numb?

This last time I went so far down the sexual rabbit hole, I lost myself.

And it wasn’t just about kink - it was about escape, obsession, validation. I wanted to be seen. Craved. Used. But I gave too much of myself so freely to people who never once asked who I was beneath the hunger. I said yes to things that left me hollow. I stopped listening to my own body. To my own no.

So I pulled back.
I went quiet.
I stopped letting people touch me.

It’s now been eight years? Or around that.
Not because I’m frigid. Not because I’m afraid.
But because I needed to rebuild. To reconnect with my body, my heart, my truth.
To remember that my submission is sacred - not something to give away just because someone owns the right gear or says the right words.

I’m still deeply sexual.
I still melt at the right voice, ache under the right pressure, long to be owned.
But I’ve learned to hold that heat close, like something rare.

Yes, I’ve teased.
I’ve shown skin.
I’ve whispered filth into the void.
But no one’s had me. Not in years.
Because I’m not looking to be taken. I’m waiting to be earned - fully, slowly, intentionally - by someone who wants all of it: the story and the surrender.

One day, I’ll open that chapter.
To the right person.

And when I do, I want to give them everything.
The ache. The dark. The healing.
Not just the kink.
But the clarity.

I’m not afraid of intensity.
I just want it held with care.

Until then, I wait.
Untouched.
Not unloved.
And no longer lost.

[Deleted Member]

You're a fucking queen for being able to connect with the inner you, and fight your way back to your autonomy. 💪💪💪

[Ki****]

Good for you taking care of yourself is a hard thing to do sometimes good luck with your life I hope you have a great time learning about yourself and loving yourself it’s so important to have that

[ju****]

Hello there, I'm sorry this happen to you. Reading your story is like pressing play on my life. The exact same thing happen, exposed to hardcore porn around 7 or 8 years old. Molested some. I feel the exact same way, wired wrong, programmed wrong from the start. How is anyone supposed to fix that? It took so many years to get here...thank you for writing your story..if you ever feel like talking, please message ME.....head honcho

[ju****]

I'm not sure where head honcho came from I used voice to text and I don't know where white here's different things but it does I apologize

[Ja****]

"I'm not afraid of intensity.
I just want it held with care."

Thanks for the courageous writing.

[In****]

I see you 🫂

[ze****]

Super awesome post, hate to relate but glad to be seen. I hope you find this person and you heal

[SS****]

This is a mirror to my soul. Thank you for sharing with us. 🤜🏼🤛🏼

[Ja****]

Beautifully said..

[Al****]

I thought I was the only one... 🖤

[DS****]

So sad to see how many here share the same story…

[Th****]

I know what you mean at 8 yrs old I was allowed to watch I spit on your grave which was pretty horrific

[Th****]

Although not by today's standards

[Wi****]

This text holds something that is almost poetic. I don't know if you write about your actual experiences or this is literacy but I think either way the message is quite powerful and important.
And if it is your real story - it takes bravery to share it like that. Although it might get a few stupid people into a race to "proove themselves" on the spot. 😅

That devote doesn't come from "stupid" or "submission" or "***" or "without will" but from devotion is something most people seem to miss. And think about it? What is a person able to show devotion to? Doesn't it have to be something they really feel they love, they want they trust, they chose? Dosen't that need some kind of earned respect?

I know many don't say devote but submissive. But how can you submit, if you have never truly owned yourself first?

To present yourself to someone you need to be yourself first. You need to own yourself. You need to have a will and be able to make a choice. You need to have boundaries.

Everything else is soulless performance. And it is harmful.

A will, and a no doesn't make you less of a Sub. Being a Sub starts only there.

Hey, if you are actually looking for what you wrote about I wish you all the best for your search! I hope you find it!

[Hu****]

10 hours ago, Janie-W said:

"I'm not afraid of intensity.
I just want it held with care."

Thanks for the courageous writing.

😊❤️

[Hu****]

10 hours ago, Kimber469ing said:

Good for you taking care of yourself is a hard thing to do sometimes good luck with your life I hope you have a great time learning about yourself and loving yourself it’s so important to have that

appreciate that. Taking care of ourselves can be tough, but it matters so much. Wishing you nothing but peace and growth on your own path too.

[Hu****]

10 hours ago, BBWDomme said:

You're a fucking queen for being able to connect with the inner you, and fight your way back to your autonomy. 💪💪💪

Thank you! That seriously means a lot. It’s been a fight, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come. 💪❤️

[qu****]

Awww I love this! Good for you queen!

[Ed****]

Your words took hold of me instantaneously! You speak quiet explosions of knowledge on your past and present that aim to educate and tell your truths, but I have realized they also can educate the people really looking to find the power from your courage! Your being heard by many, although even if it were only heard by a few, I can tell you reading it has made me want to be more thoughtful in my interactions with the people I come across and are fortunate enough to touch and/or leave an impression on. I know that as a man it makes me want to love harder, express intention in my desires, to make strenuous and exhaustive efforts when working to learn and discover just who it is that I am attempting to connect with. Also the same can be said for the person who might eventually pursue me, that they can expect honesty and transparency when inquiring about my past or present and the things that make me motivated to do anything I do in life. It’s always made my heart rate rise while I am connected with a partner I have strong feelings for, and sometimes those urges for wanting to get there quicker, make for hasty decisions or lustful feelings to overpower reason and sense. I think that earning a profound understanding of when our intentions are selfish and lustful, and how powerful we can be when we stop, think, question, and verify with our fellow man or woman what they want and compare that to the outcome we want, can be such a powerful and comforting experience for anyone, but at the same time we need to take note and understand that we may not essentially deserve or have worked hard enough to have gotten what it is weve tried so hard and long to earn! Consent is such an important statement when it comes to any part of things that may have an effect on others around us or directly in our life.
As for myself, I had been sexually cut off during the last 5 years of the 9 year relationship I now have been free of for just under 2 years now. Through the *** of a devastating medical issue to which I went to doctors appointments and sat in many a waiting room for her, all while it was not true and I sat and took off work for basic appointments everyday stuff! The appointments I didn’t have the ability to go to( never were going on, it was all an elaborate cover to cheat, for years this went on, and I was being pretty much the sole financial support for her and her daughter and three cats, and house and everything that goes along with home ownership. So now that I’m going on about five or take 6ish close to 7yrs of no intimacy at all with a woman, I have had so much time for self growth and emotional healing, emotional intelligence and now trying to get back out there after having so much time to heal and grow since out of the toxic environment I lived in for sooo long, but you live and you learn. Now that I am 42 trying to learn how to date in the modern age…it’s so much different from when I was younger!! There are amazing people like yourself out there which personally I’m on your side, learning who one another are deep down to the core can be more sexually charged when you really connect on deeper levels than the surface! I would be honored to befriend such a strong empowered, woman with the will to persevere what you have I am blessed to know for one you made it and are telling your story, and two thank you for speaking about it so that I could reflect on my own journey. Maybe I’ll be fortunate enough to come across you in our daily lives and that would be an honor. I’m sure you are a really interesting and super intelligent woman. If I don’t ever meet you, I know that you will be ready to bless one man or woman with your strength and love and conviction and that individual will ( if they’re not a dork and or blind ) one of the luckiest humans out there!!! Much love woman, keep on holding true to you!! The power you have for the battles you have fought, the walls you’ve had to climb that power might make some men ***ful that they might have to work to get to know you. Personally I think the strength and wisdom you’ve gained is a testament to the caliber of woman you are today, for that I know you’re more than many times over the kind of woman I find attractive and I am certain there’s plenty of other good men out there that think somewhat along the same lines es as I! Peace and love Queen!!

P.S. I’m a free member so I had to put this in the comments sorry

[Di****]

Right on my ***! 😊. I’d call this poetry and I love this.
“I choose my men” feels like a title or theme after reading it. Thanks for posting this is good shit!

[Di****]

*S I S T E R. Jesus Christ this mf editor

[so****]

Why not just go OnlyFans?

[Deleted Member]

❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love this so much!!!! You are amazing 😍

[Ba****]

Same story, 8yrs old