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Teaching a Dom?


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I am a sub who was trained by an experienced dom. Unfortunately that partnership did not last. Some time has passed and I have a new partner and have told him that I enjoy BDSM. He is very inexperienced but is open to experimenting and being dom for me. But as mentioned he has no experience. Our sex life is fulfiling to my basic desires but I’d like more variety, intensity, structure, and discipline. I’m a brat and end up getting away with things that no dom would let slide.

I don’t want to force anything, but is there a way for me to teach him to be more dom? He knows some of my kinks and try’s to fulfil them. But he lacks knowledge on the technicalities of using tools and toys, exploiting my kinks, and basic aftercare.

Help me,

Please and thank you



I’ll be interested to see responses to this. I have been chatting and have met a couple of times (no playing yet) with an inexperienced sub and I want to discover the dom in me. Good luck.

@BitchyBrat - Hi, Not to shatter your illusions or anything, but from personal experience you either end up with someone who has it in them or not. I have learned the hard way in that you can get your partner to try to accommodate your fetishes and kinks but if it is not truly within them, it is going to be an act. This sounds very disheartening, I know, and it is not meant like that.

This is where your own motives comes in, and you may not be completely in-tune with these as of yet. For some, it is a thing that keeps nagging in the background and sometimes comes out in force, particularly if suppressed. For others, it is an activity that is confined to the bedroom. It is important that you come to some understanding of roughly where you are in this spectrum.
You might be perfectly happy with a, basically, vanilla relationship with a bit of kink thrown in or you want to go full out and do this 24/7.  That is for you to determine.

Techniques can be taught. Plenty of books and self-help guides for that. It is the other bit that is the challenge, also to your relationships. Again, I speak from experience.

Whatever you do. Please do not rush things. One way or the other. You might discover something wonderful hidden underneath.

Carnelian2 has smed this up perfectly. Although everyone is kinky to some extent, some are confident enough to express & sadly others never will be but BDSM I believe is in the soul. You grow up knowing it is there & a desire to explore & experience in order to feel complete. To ask someone to Dom you who has no knowledge or does not yearn for this lifestyle the way you do will never bring to the surface what you desire. He is willing to experiment which is good but make sure he is not just doing this to please you. My advice would be (as it is to everyone) to go to a fetish club together one night. This will either wet his tastebuds or scare the living shit out of him but at least then, if he does enjoy it he will gain the knowledge that you both seek. There’s nothing stopping him being kinky but don’t push him into something he isn’t comfortable with in the bedroom as you could end up knocking his sexual confidence. If you want him to use toys on you properly then make him sit there watching whilst you use them on yourself so he can see what gets you going. Good luck xx

@BitchyBrat I can sympathise with how you feel about what you require because this life is very much a statement of sexuality. I my self knew there was always something missing and this has caused the failure of several relationships then one sexual encounter changed everything brought into focus some of what I need I'm my life and in that context my relationships. Carnelian2 vocalised it perfectly in that some are born the way they are and it's about finding an experience that brings everything into focus . Self discovery then bloomed with a overtone of guilt and shame but it also gave me the impetus to change and find who I was . I think what I'm saying is so much can be tought but the real key is how you are wired . Kink is kink but a true Dominant is born that way . The dangerous thing to bare in mind is someone leaning without the ingrained wiring can so easily become domineering and the difference is huge . So I agree with what's been said don't force him to become something he is not and also in that you need to look at yourself and think what do I really need and is this relationship really for you .



Thanks everyone for responding and all the great advice! I’m very serious about this relationship and don’t want to screw anything up by forcing or pushing to hard to fast. 

Previously I was collared and my dom provided structure in and out of the bedroom. I would like to progress into something similar with my current partner, but I don’t think that he would be willing to do this. Honestly I know that he is quite vanilla and even if he started to be more dom I know that it would be restricted to bedroom only. 

I really care about him and see a long term relationship with him. I’m willing to settle for a less adventurous sex life if it means being with him. I just wish I was able to have it all. 

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