Bullying is NOT cool. Let's be kind to one another 💜

[Annalou]

Hello kinky kinksters! 

I hope you're all doing well, wherever you are in the world. I wanted to write a personal note about how we treat each other here in our kinky family – especially in the Live Chat. We are an open, welcoming, and tolerant bunch of perverts, and bullying and hostility will not be tolerated. There are a lot of strong personalities in the FET universe, and on the whole, that is a wonderful thing! However, I want to urge kindness and patience with those who do not hold the same opinions as you, or who may disagree with you. Those differences are what make our community the amazing place it is. 

So, be nice, stay kinky... or else 

 

[Cade]

Maybe especially in regards to new people to the site. Sure, they might not know the rules they very likely neglected to even read. Sure, they may come in trying to hook-up or troll. Sometimes, they may even be rude and abrasive themselves. However, *we* are the representatives of this culture! We set the example by which others know how to treat us. We definitely need to try to rise above responding to ignorance with ignorance, try to avoid treating disrespect with disrespect. Otherwise, we are chasing people away and proving to them how hypocritical everything we say is, a grand disservice to us all.

[Bo****]

Thank you,Annalou. Thank you,Cade!

Feeling the "we" in community,as a newbie ,in this positive space,and truly appreciating the fine folks i have been fortunate enough to interact with. Emotional responsives are open to misinterpretation ,as are other's baggage we know nothing of!

So newbies,please read rules,profiles,and respect . "Old hands" are trying to help and facilitate, please appreciate their generous help , best for all. Humour is a coping mechanism,but we are a global community,so not all translates as fun!

Respect and enjoy🙏

[Deleted Member]

I love this site and the people I've met from here, met my Sir here also. Now I know newbies think they may know it all etc but we as a community should be there for them, to tell them the rules of the site but be polite while doing it!!! We need to show the newbies that it's not all scammers and fakes that it's an amazing community that has some really wonderful people/members who know their stuff. I've seen even well known members be made to think their opinion is worth nothing and made to feel like they can't go back in the lobby, we need to shout out that yes everyone has an opinion but be respectful of it yes you may not agree but still they shouldn't be made to feel like they can't express their views so on. I think cause we already have enough judgement from the vanilla world we don't need it from our own community also.

 

Kink shaming is a no no here also so please if anyone has a kink that you aren't in to please just say that's your kink it's ok to have this kink but it's not my kink, and be respectful of everyone. 

 

Be yourself

Be respectful

Most of all be kind!!!!!! 

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤♥️

[Ja****]

I hope some members read your words and the following comments and think twice before responding to a comment made. It's nice to be nice! 

 

More importantly, it is okay to not agree with someone's opinion regarding a subject. Everyone should be big enough to respect that others may not agree with them, and they may not agree with others. That's the thing about opinions, everyone's got one and they are seldom the same. Being able to acknowledge that without turning nasty is a great at each of us should aspire to. I welcome anyone to tell me them don't agree with me, but be polite!

[De****]

I’ve been told more than once that there’s no place for a demisexual sub in this lifestyle but I stayed, made friends and the community were incredibly supportive to me when I needed them. I like to think that the people that tried to *** me off the site were new to the the kink community rather than bullying and would hope that they broadened their minds over time. But to those that stood up for me, thank you! Xx

[Leisa]

Thank you for writing this article Anna. Sometimes we all need the reminder that we are a community made up of lots of diverse individuals with individual kinks and fetishes. I have and continue to greet everyone who comes into the lobby regardless of what they’re coming in asking about or seeking. A member who feels intimidated walking into the lobby is a loss not only to them but to the experienced. We’re losing an opportunity to educate and be mentors of sorts to someone just entering the community. I’m not saying I’ve been completely innocent in not understanding how something can be a kink or a fetish but have found that through questions and listening to responses even this old dog learns new tricks. Since it’s like walking into a party without knowing a soul the lobby is intimidating even under the best circumstances. I’ve seen where just because someone’s icon is purple they’re not greeted and/or ignored for no other reason than they don’t have a photo. Having taken the time to acknowledge everyone walking in I’ve noticed that speaking to them mostly has resulted in the end of the trolling attempts. It’s easier to listen to a friendly voice than the voice of a dozen telling you you’re doing something wrong.

[Th****]

I agree with your post Anna,

I feel that as we wish others to accept our kinks then we should accept everyone else's kinks. This is a basic.

Politeness goes a very long way, from all roles and to all roles. Tolerance as well should be a given. If we as a community cannot tolerate each other then what hope do we have really?  

I will put a word of defence in for the regulars in live chat here, when it comes to dealing with new users I can understand the desire to make them feel welcome. May I suggest that you maybe appoint greeters to ensure that they are welcomed into chat in the manner your Customer Service Standards wish.

I do totally understand that in a perfect world everyone would welcome all new users all of the time but if you pay to use Fetish then I think it has to be given that your members will be human and have bad days. Which means by time the third new user is refusing to join in Chat in the lobby and is using it as a pick up joint. Then it is possible a few tempers will get a little fraught. 

Again on all the main points though I whole-heartedly  agree.

This community has to be inclusive and not exclusive.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you very much for starting this thread, it’s so important for everyone to read and take note. I have witnessed some appalling behaviour in the live chat and not just towards new users, but also towards regular users who were asked for an opinion and when they gave it were shown little or no respect and were basically bullied out of chat and after they left were talked about by regular users in a very negative way. My thoughts on this are we are not all going to have the same opinion or use the same language to describe things, this does not mean they are a bad person or are wrong. It means they use a different language and should be respected for their views, even if we don’t share them. It is also not a good example to new users who might think this is how we talk to others or about others and could possibly scare them away which is not what we want. So what if they don’t have a picture? They may be in second minds about putting on up until they have decided to stay and join the community. So what if they don’t use the correct words to describe things or themselves? We all didn’t come into this community knowing everything, I come here to learn, to make friends and feel part of something, not to be judged or harangued because I didn’t use the correct terminology. 
I still sometimes find it intimidating and I’ve been using the chat room for over a year so I think if I joined and had been treated badly I wouldn’t have come back. Don’t get me wrong there are some awesome people in live chat, those that share their experiences and opinions without judgement and with respect and it can be a very informative environment with lots of fun and giggles. I’d just like everyone to show some kindness and respect, to be open to people and show some compassion and if you don’t agree with something say it in a polite way or as I was taught ‘if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it at all’. 

[TheLost27]

yes you are completely right.

[Deleted Member]

There is No place anywhere for bullies and when identified direct confrontation for me is the only course.

[Ar****]

3 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

There is No place anywhere for bullies and when identified direct confrontation for me is the only course.

I wholeheartedly agree. There is no need to stop to their level and become abusive too, but far too often I have seen awful and disrespectful behaviour continue here because it is not being called out.

 

Only a few moments ago I read about another site (predominantly a chat site) who recently introduced a zero tolerance policy on all forms of racism and racist comments/opinions. They have reported a massive drop in harassment and bullying of all forms since then. Just goes to show that standing up and flatly making clear that some forms of behaviour are unacceptable can have a huge impact.

[ey****]

3 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Only a few moments ago I read about another site (predominantly a chat site) who recently introduced a zero tolerance policy on all forms of racism and racist comments/opinions. They have reported a massive drop in harassment and bullying of all forms since then. Just goes to show that standing up and flatly making clear that some forms of behaviour are unacceptable can have a huge impact.

yep - I think - and this is one of the reasons I like this website - it tends to have a low tolerance to racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. so when ever anyone comes on who is guilty of those there tends to be a choice of learn and grow, or leave, and whichever they choose, plays into a continued *mostly* good atmosphere.  I think there's certain flags (like pride flags) this site has chosen to proudly plant and if this helps make it more welcoming to those who maybe are a little shunned elsewhere - then this is a massive boost.

[Deleted Member]

Tell that to the chat rooms lol

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Aranhis said:

I wholeheartedly agree. There is no need to stop to their level and become abusive too, but far too often I have seen awful and disrespectful behaviour continue here because it is not being called 

I've seen bullies all my life, school, army, vanilla and here and from what I've learned direct confrontation and sadly this does mean at times joining them in the gutter is the only way to deal with them. They  generally can't handle the same when it's directed back at them as bullies target perceived weakness in others only.  When strength is shown they seem to disappear back under their rock.

[Vandalslut]

Racism and kink shaming is not cool and it's a sad case of affairs when adults have to be told this.

For future reference,  we would like some clarity on what constitutes harassment and intimidation, please?

[Annalou]

8 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

Racism and kink shaming is not cool and it's a sad case of affairs when adults have to be told this.

For future reference,  we would like some clarity on what constitutes harassment and intimidation, please?

You can read our Code of Conduct which clearly states our stance on harassment and values here: https://www.fetish.com/verhaltensregeln

[Vandalslut]

Thank you, We have read it but unfortunately it did not stop an attempt at intimidation and the problem has not been solved, sadly. 

[sm****]

This has been a problem in any chatroom, no matter what the site, time, theme or location.  The only way to limit it, but it never prevents, is continual moderation, but this is practically impossible and very time consuming for the people who would have to do it.   It really isn't an envious task, been there seen it done it...and gets jaded for a modertor very quick.

It's not a new phenomenon, we  seem to set ourselves up on a moral pedestal but forget we are in a real life world at times.  Everyone has their own opinions etc but I have seen far too often if something strays outside their comfort zone, it quickly becomes heated. 

We have all seen responds like "yes BUT this is how I do it, your just wrong" when someone describe's a way of play for example.  IF someone is describing a wrong practice or little knowledge of something that may cause harm, by ll means call them out in a polite manner.

Egos can also come in to play sadly and "gang" mentality...yes iv'e seen it happen over the years, it's not nice and quite vicious at times and puts people off wanting to carry on or visit.

[Vandalslut]

On 7/22/2020 at 9:47 PM, smeagol said:

Egos can also come in to play sadly and "gang" mentality...yes iv'e seen it happen over the years, it's not nice and quite vicious at times and puts people off wanting to carry on or visit.

It's certainly put us off.  Especially when those egos and 'gang-up' mentality claim to 'know' we've reported them and 'know' what was in the report.

[FETMOD-KF]

as this has come up before.  We don't disclose who reported who or their contents.  Whilst a user may make assumptions or guesses on who has reported them - that's about the top and bottom of it.

[Deleted Member]

This is a subject that really resonates with me I was bullied off this site by others who I have watched judge and shame newbies, I’m not one to shy away from situations normally but their behaviour made me so uncomfortable it was easier just to leave. I have returned recently and been greeted with a lot of positivity from both old and new faces , but Iv still witnessed similar behaviour to what I was subjected to. In a community surrounded in judgement by those in our let’s say more vanilla lives it’s a true shame acceptance isn’t widespread here. Iv decided to come back and promote that acceptance and positivity in this community and show others not everyone is so judgemental. It’s easy for those with an online presence to forget they were new once and just telling people to google things isn’t educational nor is it accepting and open. Iv learnt very little from google and far far more from speaking to those more experienced and asking questions. This place should be a safe haven somewhere people can come and ask for advice and be shown a way of life that maybe they have been too scared to accept in themselves. 

[sm****]

In the old days of IC we used have a section called "The Deviants Dictionary" where a lot of newbies were pointed to, if they were unsure of certain meanings/words and what they applied to in the scene.  It was all part of the same site, so it didn't look like they were funneled off to look aimless about the internet.  It was quite easy to navigate and easy to read and understand.

Many old hands do get blaze about the fet scene and we do forget at times we were the ones looking like rabbits caught in a cars headlights.  I was, done a real foot in mouth corker, but lucky enough some well established people then in the UK scene, saw something and took me aside and give me that second chance.  Got new people looking and reading, learning more about what's expected, getting to know people in the real world at munches etc etc. and above all what to look out for for your own safety and of others.