Engaged, confused & cheating

[Deleted Member]

Hey all, 

I'm in a bit of a bind. I've been with my partner 7 years, we have an almost 6 year old son. We're engaged but I've been having massive doubts. Our sex life is almost non existent, and when the time actually happens it's the same old thing. I'm bored sexually. And I'm starting to get board in every other way too. 

Randomly without even looking, I've started seeing a guy on the side. He is in a similar situation to me, and our sexual encounters are pretty amazing. 

I'm torn and don't know what to do. Any advice? Has anyone been in this situation. 

I don't know what to do. I never thought I'd be a cheater,  but this new guy is filling so many desires wants and needs. 

Help me please 😢🙏

[OlivierChester]

Hi Rosie, first you are not the only one ! did you talk to your current partner about your sexual needs? Sometimes a wake up call is needed and the more you can be specific the more likely you may able to get there step by step. If your discussions trigger no change, then fact is that your sexual need is there. Depending on your partner, you may try to legitimate your sex relationship or to hide it. If you hide it, you need to be ready to accept the potential consequences. Another point to take into account is the frequency you see this new guy. For fun, i believe it should be irregular, 2-3 times a month max. More you would start to be in a very close relationship which to my experience only keep growing till the moment you realise you have to make a choice.

So i would suggest:
1) talk to your partner
2) if unsuccesful, be clear on your priorities
3) decide on stop, legitimate, hide
3) consequently define the limits , if any, of your sex relationship

Hope this helps

[Paddywack-3112]

Hi rose I can help with some questions and answers.
I am in a similar situation, but it's being rotten for the past 8 years and not knowing what to do.

Hopefully we can chat , and help each other .
Good luck with your journey.

[Deleted Member]

Hi Rose.

You're not going to like this but it needs to be said. Firstly I'm far from perfect myself so don't judge at all, i as many others in this community have been exactly where you are right now except I lived like that for 30 years.

From what you say it seems all the "blame" for your situation seems to be laid at the feet of your fiance, as if you have had no role to play in your current situation. Not once in your post do you take any responsibility at all, it takes two to tango and generally two to destroy relationships. Have you ever thought he may be bored with you as much as you are with him? Have you ever thought that maybe the place you find yourself in right now is as much on your shoulders as his?

 

You say you randomly fell into "cheating" without even looking? I call bs on that, we don't randomly, accidently cheat. It's a conscious act and something we choose to do. Just makes it easier on our own consciousness to word it that way doesn't it? Cheating btw for me is one of the cruellest things you can do to another human being and the fallout from situations like this can be life changing not just to you but also to that poor sap who sits at home none the wiser. 

That being said, as I mentioned I spent years feeling the way you do so I do understand where you are at and how you feel. 

You have to talk to your partner, tell him how you feel. Honesty is the only way you can give yourself a chance of saving your relationship, that being on the basis you or him actually want to save your connection. Let's not forget he may be just as down about it all as you are and he may actually want out, maybe more than you. Talking is the only way forwards and if it turns out your relationship is dead then you let it go, take your time to recover, pick yourself up and move on. This situation your in right now is toxic for you both and will not improve unless action is taken be that to try and repair or to start a new life separately. I'm sorry for how harsh I am but I'm sick of it always being the other partners fault.

 

Communicate honestly and take it from there.

Edited August 21, 2020 by Deleted Member
Spelling

[Deleted Member]

I can only restate what others have said. Communication is the key. Aside from that. I have seen this situation many times. As a former bartender. If you and the one you are cheating with end up together, the spark will die fast. Most of your excitement is coming from cheating. He ISN'T the one.

[Ki****]

This won’t be what you want to hear but my soon to be ex husband cheated on me and it’s broken me beyond what I ever thought possible (and our kids too). Breaking up is hard but it can be done in a healthy way. Cheating will create lifelong ***s and damage to your partner that will hurt him for much longer than leaving him will. Take it from someone who’s been on the receiving end - you will likely destroy him if you carry on. My advice is to break the affair off and either put the effort into repairing your relationships (and I have training in couples therapy - most relationships can work if people are willing to put the effort in) or leave before he gets more hurt than he has to be. You also need to consider how you will feel if your son found out (and if this carries on there’s a good chance he will at some point). If you’re absolutely sure that you’ve done everything you can to make it work (and I mean everything) then you can walk away with a clear conscience knowing that he’s not the right man for you (and so give him a chance to meet someone that does love and respect him). If you haven’t done everything then take it from someone on her second divorce - all relationships take work and if you just walk away when things get tough you’ll end up alone and wishing that you’d tried harder.

[Ki****]

7 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

Hi Rose.

You're not going to like this but it needs to be said. Firstly I'm far from perfect myself so don't judge at all, i as many others in this community have been exactly where you are right now except I lived like that for 30 years.

From what you say it seems all the "blame" for your situation seems to be laid at the feet of your fiance, as if you have had no role to play in your current situation. Not once in your post do you take any responsibility at all, it takes two to tango and generally two to destroy relationships. Have you ever thought he may be bored with you as much as you are with him? Have you ever thought that maybe the place you find yourself in right now is as much on your shoulders as his?

 

You say you randomly fell into "cheating" without even looking? I call bs on that, we don't randomly, accidently cheat. It's a conscious act and something we choose to do. Just makes it easier on our own consciousness to word it that way doesn't it? Cheating btw for me is one of the cruellest things you can do to another human being and the fallout from situations like this can be life changing not just to you but also to that poor sap who sits at home none the wiser. 

That being said, as I mentioned I spent years feeling the way you do so I do understand where you are at and how you feel. 

You have to talk to your partner, tell him how you feel. Honesty is the only way you can give yourself a chance of saving your relationship, that being on the basis you or him actually want to save your connection. Let's not forget he may be just as down about it all as you are and he may actually want out, maybe more than you. Talking is the only way forwards and if it turns out your relationship is dead then you let it go, take your time to recover, pick yourself up and move on. This situation your in right now is toxic for you both and will not improve unless action is taken be that to try and repair or to start a new life separately. I'm sorry for how harsh I am but I'm sick of it always being the other partners fault.

 

Communicate honestly and take it from there.

It’s never the other partners fault if someone cheats. It might be their fault that the relationship isn’t working; but the decision to cheat is made by the cheater alone - and it’s a selfish one as they could choose to work on their relationship or leave instead. My (soon to be ex) husband told me it was my fault he cheated because I didn’t make him feel loved enough. Luckily I had a therapist who was very blunt and told me that was bullshit and the only reason he’s cheated was because he’d wanted to. I remind myself of that daily because I don’t think I’ll ever truly believe that it wasn’t my fault in some way.

[Sarie1992]

My husband works a lot of hours. I know he'd rather be here with me. I'm in the same situation because our intimate life suffers. But I try to understand that sometimes our expectations of our man is unrealistic. He probably just tierd after his long day. Instead of continuing down this road concider what he's going through. Don't nag or judge him for his lack of attention. Try to comfort him, in his return home from a long day.
All relationships struggle. Instead when he gets home make him a nice dinner. Serve him in an apron with nothing else on. Then give him a message. Maybe initiate things along. Remind him that you love him and appreciate him . Men need to feel appreciated and really get turned off by women reminding them of their failures. Especially after a long day at work. They are as human as women are. Even more so they are truly more insecure than women are they just hide it better than women do. They just don't think with passion as much as we do as women. They're not conditioned like that. Reality is men just aren't superman.
Encourage him. Remind him why you fell in love with him in the first place. Show him compassion for his troubles. It boost his ego . Helps him believe in himself . Above all show him compassion when you communicate your concerns with him. The other man is just a replacement for the whole in your heart. Think if your man wasn't with you and how it would be and the affect on you and him and your child. Ask yourself if it's really worth loosing the life you've begun and built together. Because once it's gone it gone. There's no coming back from that. Your just might be making more of a struggle in your own life without him. That's my advice. I hope it helps you. Good luck to you.

[Th****]

Rosie I totally get it....

I have been there, it takes no time and one or two lust and desire hazed decisions and you are in a relationship with someone else.

A lot has been said already about there being two sides and the blame but forget that, you need to focus on the now.

You have the following choices:

1- Stop the affair and tell your fiancee what has been happening .... Now I do not know if you have children or how custody works there in that instance.

2- Stop the affair and tell your fiancee you have cheated on him once .... Do not go into details, keep it simple and easy, do not lie, but do not offer more information than asked.

3- Do not stop the affair and make plans then tell your fiancee it is over... Yes it will hurt but he will begin healing sooner.

4- Take a trial separation from all of them and tell both of them you need some space to work out what you need....Take it and stay celibate. Clear your head and see who respects your wish for space...That will tell you a lot.

You already know the answer.

I think you are just looking for the strength to do it.

You are strong, take back your life and your heart.

Be happy, kid!

 

Edited August 22, 2020 by Thebian
accuracy corrections

[ol****]

I have to confess to being confused.

You seem to have a kinky ad seeking a female to join you and your partner in the bedroom. Might I ask if this is the long term partner of 7 years or the more recent "lover" you have taken.

If it is the latter then I'd suggest that perhaps your long term relationship is already toast.

[De****]

9 hours ago, oldfellow said:

I have to confess to being confused.

You seem to have a kinky ad seeking a female to join you and your partner in the bedroom. Might I ask if this is the long term partner of 7 years or the more recent "lover" you have taken.

If it is the latter then I'd suggest that perhaps your long term relationship is already toast.

I’m also confused after reading your profile as it suggests you’re looking for a third to join yourself and your partner? Maybe more info then you could get more relevant advice?

[Pimp-nasty]

On 8/21/2020 at 7:07 AM, Deleted profile said:

Hey all, 

I'm in a bit of a bind. I've been with my partner 7 years, we have an almost 6 year old son. We're engaged but I've been having massive doubts. Our sex life is almost non existent, and when the time actually happens it's the same old thing. I'm bored sexually. And I'm starting to get board in every other way too. 

Randomly without even looking, I've started seeing a guy on the side. He is in a similar situation to me, and our sexual encounters are pretty amazing. 

I'm torn and don't know what to do. Any advice? Has anyone been in this situation. 

I don't know what to do. I never thought I'd be a cheater,  but this new guy is filling so many desires wants and needs. 

Help me please 😢🙏

If there is no sex In the relationship it sounds like you two are together just for the child. Co parenting Is a thing. Happy parents make happy children.

[Na****]

I am very curious if you did get marry?