Help please

[IGiveUp-2732]

I  am married female 68 years old.

We tried my husband being submissive years ago, went well for awhile, then he seemed to want me control how he was submissive. Stopped soon after.

He wants to try again.

Could we maybe play these roles one day a week? 

Usually in our he makes most decisions about where to go when etc. He is very kind and loving. 

I find it very hard to inflict *** on someone I  love,  yet thinking about being in control did turn me one.

ANY ideas how to maintain this balance, he likes paddles etc, but not really having to say sit and watch a show that I  told him to watch.

 

Very confused as to how to make this work

[MrRigueur]

Hi there,
I don't have a lot to go on here, but I have quite a few years experience with training both dominants and submissives, so here is some fairly generic advice.

What may help is if you both sit down as equals first, and discuss what that submission will look like, and what will and work for each of you. Make sure you have a clear idea of what his kinks and limits are, but also establish a way to communicate within the play space so that you have a way to adjust what you are doing to best serve your submissive. 

Many people do not realise this, but a good dominant is the one serving the submissive, they are taking the responsibility for the scene, and creating an experience for the submissive that fills their needs, immerses them, and keeps them immersed. There is a subtle and constant push-pull, in which you apply a punishment or aversive stimulus, which may be *** or ***, or ignoring them, or doing an unpleasant task, but it must be balanced by reward, and you must regularly monitor them and check to see whether they need more or less of one or the other. Too much stimulus, or too little attention, and they can drop out of the immersion, out of the character, and will want to reassert their own control again. 
You want to watch your show, and have him watch it with you, you still need to provide rein***ment. Perhaps make him sit on the floor at your feet and ***t your toenails, or leash him and just give his head a pat from time to time. If you sense he is getting bored, send him to make you a snack and then make him hold the plate while you take your time eating. Get creative, make him earn your attention.
The two of you need to figure out what works together. He should not leave you guessing,and you should not assume. 

Always make sure you have a way for him to express his needs, Have him ask permission or raise his hand to speak, if he does so, it is generally important that you listen... but you can pretend not to, and make him wait a minute before acknowledging him or letting him speak, to provide the impression that you are in full control of him. Have a safeword or phrase for him to stop the scene. if he uses it, stop everything and make sure he is ok. Having that ultimate control makes it easier for the submissive to surrender their autonomy to you.

It is very healthy to have clear limits on when you are playing and when you are not. One day a week is perfectly fine. One hour a week is perfectly fine. It is about what works for the two of you. 

By accepting his submissiveness, you are giving him a gift, you can be controlling and dominant, and still loving, you can inflict *** and still be caring about it.  BDSM can be incredibly intimate. 

Start small and build up. Be clear with communication and your expectations of each other, Talk about it afterward, when you give him aftercare, learn what was good and what you can change, and with practice, your confidence will grow, and his trust in you as a dominant will too, meaning you will be able to exert more control in a way that fills your needs too.

[IGiveUp-2732]

Thank you, much food for thought.  Very helpful. I  think that is what confused me so much. I  didn't realize how much control the sub has. 

Do you think a couple could do this say on certain days. Then  go back to regular life on other days

 

[Deleted Member]

You can be anything you want to be, within a standard kink framework or within your own private situation. You can be part time, full time or any variation you choose. With agreement if it makes you both happy then anything is possible. There is no right or wrong path, what works for some may not work for others. Beware of labels and create your own if that's what brings joy to you both 😊

Edited August 23, 2020 by Deleted Member
Spelling

[IGiveUp-2732]

Thanks, I  think we may give this another try. I  think we need more guidelines. I  told him I  needed a couple of weeks to think about it. Have such a hard time being dominent and getting that he makes the rules. 

Perhaps we will have to write more things down

[qu****]

Initially try to view it as foreplay if it helps, once a week or once a fortnight to start, then if it becomes more it becomes more, and if it helps don't get to hung up on the name thing, (
Mistress/sub)

[Th****]

Hi there Igiveup,

Okay I am going to tell you something I never thought I would write here. My Mother had exactly the same problem, she could not inflict *** on my Father who was a submissive as she loved him.

I will let you into a secret it is not about the *** or the calling you anything even if he wants both it is about giving up control so he can quiet his mind.

If you are in control you say when, how, how often and you Will insist he keeps to the rules.

Get him to write down his needs and wants and his limits (things he will not do or would rather not do}

You do the same.

That will make drawing up rules that work for you both so much easier.

Good luck and I am sure you will be fine

[IGiveUp-2732]

I understand from reading that it is about him giving up control, at the first time we tried he was in a very stressful job. He wanted the paddling , bondage,  etc.  But then he complained that he didn't like to have to watch the TV show I liked. I  didn't give him enough time to open my car door etc.  

Wrote me a letter of exactly how he wanted to be punished. 

We had talked about how this would go but he only seemed interested in the ***, and punishment part, not the parts where he was submissive.

Next time we will have to get a better "list" of the sub parts.

Thanks for your reply.

Do you think we can do this on some days and not others 

[Koby]

What might help....is to focus less on dynamics and more on interests.

Perhaps *** is not your thing, perhaps for you it's just a bedroom only thing, you do when you are in the mood.

The parameters of your BDSM experience are for you create, explore and implement.

[Koby]

1 hour ago, Igiveup said:

I understand from reading that it is about him giving up control, at the first time we tried he was in a very stressful job. He wanted the paddling , bondage,  etc.  But then he complained that he didn't like to have to watch the TV show I liked. I  didn't give him enough time to open my car door etc.  

Wrote me a letter of exactly how he wanted to be punished. 

We had talked about how this would go but he only seemed interested in the ***, and punishment part, not the parts where he was submissive.

Next time we will have to get a better "list" of the sub parts.

Thanks for your reply.

Do you think we can do this on some days and not others 

It's all about communication and mutual interests!!

[Sissy4550]

My Dom top is not into inflicting *** on me either ,
But she’s ok with the names such as cocksucker ,slut whore skank and so on , she’s also great with a strap on and has may sizes.
Even talks about let another Dom topguy use me
Have to see if it plays out

[MrRigueur]

You can certainly do it on some days and not others. Very few people would take it to the point of more than that, and the vast majority do it less than that. You can do it once a fortnight, once a month, once a year if it is what works for you. I would recommend starting conservatively and do an evening, and then talk about it the next day, or a few days later. let it process, and think on it. There is no need to rush, rushing can ruin it. 

 Think of it like putting on an outfit. You go to dinner, you dress up. does that mean that you cannot then take those clothes off, or that you can't wear your normal clothes the next day? 
You step into the role, and you step out of the role. The role is not who you are, it is just a way for you both to express yourselves in a different way, to meet needs that are not met by the everyday way you express yourselves. Many people refer to it as "play" because that is basically what it is. Don't take it too seriously, and enjoy yourself.  It is make-believe

It may help if you take the metaphor of dressing literally. Have something specific that you wear, such that when it is on, the role is on, when it is off, you are back to normal. One common thing people use is a collar for the submissive, but it is also useful for the dominant to have something to wear that is symbolic of the role. It can help you to get into and out of the head-space required. 

As has been mentioned already, get clear on each others interests and limits. This is very important. This **** to help with this discussion. I suggest you both fill this and discuss the areas in which you have strong interests and strong dislikes. There may be things on there that you don't know about, **** may be a good place to look for info. Some things on the list might be a bit confronting, just mark them as a limit.

Have a safe-word(s), a common one is the simple traffic light system. "GREEN" means "Good/keep doing what you are doing/I am fine", "ORANGE" means "I am getting close to my limit/slow down/I need you to check on me" and "RED" means "STOP/ I want to end this immediately/we have gone too far"
You can choose whatever you want, though it is recommended to make it easy to remember, and not something he might say by accident, or as part of the play. 
 

Edited August 24, 2020 by FETMOD-TF
* External links removed

[MrRigueur]

Apparently the moderators have a problem with using links, despite providing the option to do so. 
I suggest that you google terms such as  "fetishes and limits list" to find resources such as I have described, and "BDSM wiki", or "BDSM information"  to learn about activities on said lists that you may not be sure about. Alternatively you can just google the particular activity in question along with "BDSM" 

 

[IGiveUp-2732]

Thanks so much. Very calm and clear points. We are working on trying again. Very much like the dressing description, to show time's or moods and the analogy that you take off your outfit and revert to your daily ways