Seeking advice re former submissive

[Su****]

Hey all, I have a weird and convoluted question - I would love you thoughts on this please.....

I'm in a poly relationship, former sub was as well. They were seeking an ownership-style dynamic. I mentioned ground rules, a big one being no disrespect towards me.

The sub wanted me to be a partner, in polyamorus fashion. I was hesitant.It had been over a month of daily talking, I noticed verbal disrespect on occasion. Talking over their other partner, interrupting them, etc. Sub would sometimes talk down to me, as if I were someone they disliked.

Talking down to me was a discussion, they agreed to not do that again. I agreed to be their partner, they agreed to be my sub.

The day that I decided to discontinue the dynamic/relationship, they talked down to me again, while frequently interrupting me. I let it be known that inturrupting me was a boundary, as was how they spoke as if I were lesser. I had to end it based on the toxic nature of their communication.

Was it a mistake to become their partner, putting me on equal footing with them mentally? Should I have insisted on exclusively being their dom/owner? Was it simply something for that individual? Has anyone else had this experience?

[Co****]

Subs need training if you expect long term change. Setting a rule doesn’t mean that a sub will always be able to meet your expectations. If the disrespect and attitude is intentional or the sub is completely unwilling or unable to conform, then that might be grounds for ending the relationship. But the way you describe things makes it sound like something the sub may do habitually without thinking. If that is the case, then that is where discipline or punishment may be appropriate to help the sub be more mindful of their actions and do better.

[ba****]

Honestly sounds like she needs a stricter Dom. She needs someone powerful enough to “put her in her place”, respectfully and consensually of course.

Sounds like you’re more of a soft Dom and that’s ok, nothing wrong with that! But someone who is bratty like the person you’re describing, needs someone to train her. That might be something you need to either learn to do, or maybe it’s just not your thing!

Maybe it’s just not a good dynamic between you two. 🤷‍♀️

[ey****]

I don't think you made a mistake

it was ok to give the relationship a try after you'd been speaking too long and then ok to set the boundary - and then when this wasn't going to work for you, right to end it.

 

Like, the concept of subs needing training and strict and such is kinda BS.  If she was doing this seeking a punishment, this wasn't something you'd agreed as part of your dynamic so yep - the best 'punishment' was to end the relationship.  If she had want to be "put in place" this is something which she had to communicate to you during discussions. 

[li****]

22 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I don't think you made a mistake

it was ok to give the relationship a try after you'd been speaking too long and then ok to set the boundary - and then when this wasn't going to work for you, right to end it.

 

Like, the concept of subs needing training and strict and such is kinda BS.  If she was doing this seeking a punishment, this wasn't something you'd agreed as part of your dynamic so yep - the best 'punishment' was to end the relationship.  If she had want to be "put in place" this is something which she had to communicate to you during discussions. 

A sub demanding training = "I just want to play and I'm not really interested in the dynamics of a d/s relationship"
Thank you for pointing out that bratting is something that needs to be consented to. There are many subs out there acting more aggressive than their doms.

[li****]

I don't think you did anything wrong. For the future, it could be useful to clarify if she was bratting or actually being disrespectful, so that you know how to act if a similar situation comes up with someone else.

[Ot****]

If any mistakes were made they were in vetting. It sounds like you two weren’t compatible, and that’s totally okay. Just cut your loses and move on.

Reflecting after the fact, as you’re doing, can help you think about what you’ve learned through this process and how you can leverage that knowledge to vet better in the future.