Power x/change - when aftercare is missing (help!)

[De****]

This is an ask for advice - I’m a new sub whose first foray into submission has been power exchange (it’s what we both wanted and preferred). Over the past few months I’ve shared some deeply intense scenes with a dom - scenes that have surfaced brand new parts of myself and shifted something inside that l didn’t expect. The dom I’ve been with is super experienced however given the intensity of the scenes they have been followed with almost no aftercare or checking on his part. It’s literally once the scene is ended that’s it until we are organising to meet up.
I have communicated this to the dom ie that I’m processing a lot and just need to know if this pattern is his preferred style and that l would really like some kind of connective tissue between scenes. He hasn’t responded (that’s for context as this is not about criticising him, it’s about me and not internalising the fact l feel discarded) and I’m left having to process by myself with no points of reference or prior experience to lean on.
My question is , how can l best support and ground myself in processing these experiences when there is a lack of emotional follow through? Are there any rituals, reflective practices or just any advice you would give, especially to someone who the psychological and emotional aspects of kink are more powerful than the physical ones?
Thank you x

[Pilae1]

I have learned from.being in that position its essential.talk to him. Haopy to share that if you wish to message. I am the Dom so have another perspective too.

Edited October 1 by Pilae1
spell

[na****]

Wow aftercare is important. I’d say he isn’t the right dom. or even a dom. an experienced true dom understands after care is a priority just as your boundaries and limits are his priority too.

[Ka****]

So to put it into perspective of how experienced this experienced dom is... I am a new rope bunny, my rigger us new but every rigger had to do an Ethnical Domination courses before attending and every bottom did a power and presence. I met my rigger on the day and we tied nothing intense. We did a debrief after the day and she messaged without prompt 3 days later and offered a coffee in case anything stirred up.

Youve reached out vulnerably and asked for further support in scenes and he hasn't replied? Your dom isnt as experienced as they think or is an A-hole.

With this dom you need less intense scenes as you aren't getting the support you need to cope with the level youre doing now. Don't traumatise yourself for someone else's pleasure and dont walk alone if it's not something you can process alone. Id dismiss him - SACKED! You don't deserve to feel discarded in any casual arrangement, sexual or not. You don't deserve to be sent adrift either.

[oh****]

I think you need to know yourself and if you can truly handle it if the situation doesn't change. The fact you have expressed needing aftercare to be xyz and your dom hasn't expressed the desire to be that for you leaves you 2 options. 1. Find another dom that can offer the level you need or 2. Find a different dynamic that works along side the current one and get your needs met by 2 different people.
I guess it comes down to knowing yourself and if what you are currently engaging in is going to do long term damage to your mental capacity or not. Go slow and be kind to yourself x

[Ma****]

Aftercare is always important, speak to him these things need to be agreed prior

[HA****]

Well, the word 'experienced Dom' is questionable to me if he's really missing one of the most important and fundamental aspects of kink play; aftercare. To me, it's a red flag, sad to say 😞

[Gooner139]

It is,in my humble opinion,a little callous and unthinking that your dom doesn't feel the need to care and protect you, especially as these new experiences are novel for you!!! I would worry about astrue intentions as power exchange and mind and body submission are big steps that,personally speaking,I would discuss thoroughly beforehand and continue to discuss both immediately afterwards. Cannot say whether this is the right connection for you. Not my place but,aftercare is just as,if not more important especially for new subjects.

[longtermukdom]

I have always believed Aftercare is fundamental in any D/S relationship

If he's not doing that he simply isn't a ln experienced dom and just sees you as property to use and discard when he has what he wants.

Definitely red flag and I wouldn't expect any submissive to stick around if I wasn't giving the wraparound care they require...how can you develop further without support and care...

[da****]

First of all no experienced dom would just up and leave without aftercare especially after an intense session personally that is a major red flag like these comments suggest. U need support and the feeling of being valued like u express afterwards for ur own self worth and love honestly my advice would be find someone else who’s actually experienced and will show u proper aftercare.

[De****]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and to be clear I’m not at all suggesting that I will continue relations with this dom - far from it. I have attempted to talk to him, for those who have advised, but to talk to need two people and if one person isn’t responding 🤷🏾‍♀️. I’m not internalising this but equally l am figuring out how to care for myself as it would be naive to think this won’t happen again with a different dom.

[HA****]

Well, yes, it would be inevitable if you get into another relationship with someone like this again with the pretence of 'being experienced'.

The key is to build trust and good understanding before anything happens. Once you get to know each other better, I am sure that the sky is the limit!! 😊

[De****]

54 minutes ago, darlingitsyou said:

First of all no experienced dom would just up and leave without aftercare especially after an intense session personally that is a major red flag like these comments suggest. U need support and the feeling of being valued like u express afterwards for ur own self worth and love honestly my advice would be find someone else who’s actually experienced and will show u proper aftercare.

I absolutely will do that and thank you again for your supportive messages. I really do appreciate you taking the time

[Ca****]

You can always contact me for a chat and support. I might be blunt but I’m always honest, you do know that.

[li****]

You shouldn't have to process it alone. He MUST give you after care after a scene. That's the whole point of you being a sub.

[De****]

3 minutes ago, liliththedivine said:

You shouldn't have to process it alone. He MUST give you after care after a scene. That's the whole point of you being a sub.

Yeah it turns out (he’s since replied) that he was just looking for a playmate who doesn’t want or need any form of care after the fact 🤷🏾‍♀️ - this is not at all what he said or is reflective of what we first agreed but I guess people change their mind

[li****]

3 hours ago, dartford848358 said:

Yeah it turns out (he’s since replied) that he was just looking for a playmate who doesn’t want or need any form of care after the fact 🤷🏾‍♀️ - this is not at all what he said or is reflective of what we first agreed but I guess people change their mind

He didn't change his mind 😅 he lied to you cause he sucks

[De****]

1 minute ago, liliththedivine said:

He didn't change his mind 😅 he lied to you cause he sucks

Girl l was trying to be polite!! 😂

[li****]

6 minutes ago, dartford848358 said:

Girl l was trying to be polite!! 😂

Best strategy is to have a "difficult" profile and ask them for proof that they've read it. That will keep most undesirable men away.

[do****]

6 hours ago, dartford848358 said:

Yeah it turns out (he’s since replied) that he was just looking for a playmate who doesn’t want or need any form of care after the fact 🤷🏾‍♀️ - this is not at all what he said or is reflective of what we first agreed but I guess people change their mind

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but imo he didn't change his mind, he manipulated you to get his needs met. Brush your shoulders off. You are worthy. Learn the lessons that needed to be learned, internalize them, and your next experience will be better. Might be the perfect time to tune up your vetting process. No judgement, just stating the obvious, he was never a 'Dom' if aftercare is not in his tool belt to only not use when asked not to

[Ka****]

9 hours ago, dartford848358 said:

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and to be clear I’m not at all suggesting that I will continue relations with this dom - far from it. I have attempted to talk to him, for those who have advised, but to talk to need two people and if one person isn’t responding 🤷🏾‍♀️. I’m not internalising this but equally l am figuring out how to care for myself as it would be naive to think this won’t happen again with a different dom.

Vet vet vet! There are courses online for ethical domination (so you know what to expect), power and presence (for a submissive to ground themselves) are two I've done. If anyone's pushing you (even if that someone is you) into big scenes without taking it one step at a time, massive red flag. Vetting takes time trust takes time... don't rush. Self explore as well :)

[De****]

1 hour ago, doubletrouble129 said:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but imo he didn't change his mind, he manipulated you to get his needs met. Brush your shoulders off. You are worthy. Learn the lessons that needed to be learned, internalize them, and your next experience will be better. Might be the perfect time to tune up your vetting process. No judgement, just stating the obvious, he was never a 'Dom' if aftercare is not in his tool belt to only not use when asked not to

Yeah l know l got played, I was trying to be kind 😩 Thank you for it advice

[De****]

49 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

Vet vet vet! There are courses online for ethical domination (so you know what to expect), power and presence (for a submissive to ground themselves) are two I've done. If anyone's pushing you (even if that someone is you) into big scenes without taking it one step at a time, massive red flag. Vetting takes time trust takes time... don't rush. Self explore as well :)

Thank you 🙏🏿 and appreciate the recommendations regarding the online courses too. I thought I was vetting but clearly not hard enough 😩 At least I’m in tact and lived to tell the tale

[De****]

You have all been very supportive, l really do appreciate the comments, the challenge and the validation. This has been a learning for me and I do synthesise quickly. Whilst it is now clear as day that I was manipulated, his motives might have been completely self-serving, it doesn’t take away the reality of my transformation. I’ve also realised that whilst aftercare is definitely a non-negotiable going forward, I’m not in pieces without it so there is some resilience there that has now been tested. This kink life is nah easy as we say in Jamaica, cheese and bread! 😊

[lo****]

4 hours ago, dartford848358 said:

You have all been very supportive, l really do appreciate the comments, the challenge and the validation. This has been a learning for me and I do synthesise quickly. Whilst it is now clear as day that I was manipulated, his motives might have been completely self-serving, it doesn’t take away the reality of my transformation. I’ve also realised that whilst aftercare is definitely a non-negotiable going forward, I’m not in pieces without it so there is some resilience there that has now been tested. This kink life is nah easy as we say in Jamaica, cheese and bread! 😊

Im so sorry you had to experience this. My first Dom was the same way and abusive 10 years. I was young trying to fulfill my purpose I knew NO better, Very hard lesson to learn.Most definitely vet vet vet, communication is the key limits make sure they're understood. My name is Rebecca if you ever need any support any questions that I can answer please feel free to reach out the best of luck to you