Not knowing what or who you truly are when it comes to these things

[Ja****]

For the longest time now I’ve been questioning myself, all my previous relationships have ***d me into a role I never knew whether or not I was comfortable with. How do you honestly tell when you truly like something is my question? All the different kinks I have participated in, all the different things I have done to make my partner feel happy and safe, what does it mean that when at the end of the play I feel neither happy or sad? It’s always just a neutral feeling.

[Da****]

That could be depression. Tread lightly and take it easy on yourself. "You got this" doesn't apply here. Understanding feelings is important. Congratulations for having the nack for asking hard questions.

[La****]

Very easy.
Actually it feels like breathing. You just do. No overthinking, no unnecessary burden.
What I could elaborate:
What youre into: get you excited, enjoyment, fulfillment, empowered.
Youre not into: indifference, disinterest, uneasy even feel violated.

My take; what you actually need is to be in touch with your own inner self. Emotionally, spiritually. Eventually you would understand what you are and what you like. You also probably just actually into deep intimate vanilla relationship. But not yet found a match bcs of circumstances.

[EN****]

So what’s “wrong” with "neutral feeling"¿

What if it is actually the truth of life - as a "central reference point”, adjusted in real-time towards the "positive" or "negative" depending on the need, in order to achieve a result within the "relatively correct range" ¿

The function of a partner is to serve as a mirror of the self. When looking into the mirror it’s important to clean it (please the other) which is fine, just don’t forget to check what is actually reflected in the mirror.

Maybe one day you will find that you don’t need any mirrors anymore. Then that is the real beginning of the joy of life.

[Sa****]

I got this way for a while where everything just fell mechanical. And I wasn't until starting getting reimbursement services
Mentally, and emotionally reimburse me.If not, I just felt like a kink dispenser. You need to figure out what you're getting out of the situation.And not just a kink dispenser

[tw****]

So many great answers already.
I have struggled with similar questions and feelings. That's why I am here too. To understand what I do like and how to communicate that and what I don't like and communicate this assertively.
For example, I understand guys in general are visual creatures. I accept this. Phone sex or swapping pictures does absolutely nothing for me. I could and have tried phone sex once. It was awful. It was so disconnecting and stressful. I could pretend to make someone else happy especially not on video. And be neutral if I went into the call in the mindset of pretending.
I learned how to pretend like this to survive my whole life. Not just in the intimate parts of my life. All of it.
I have learned that if I have to pretend to protect. Then somewhere I am either hiding from something or needlessly throwing myself under some bus.
Finding and understanding my own worth has been life changing.
Being good either way ( with boundaries) in my choices has brought such peace and joy.
For example, I am finding that where I am at right now is vanilla with kinky sprinkles. I don't want to have tons of partners. If I can't find someone who loves this about me and wants to join in my sprinkles then I am happy to be single. Either way I get to keep my peace and feel positive about my sexuality.
It takes time and self reflection.
Hugs

[Qu****]

Find your local community and begin talking. Not for finding relationships, play or anything like that but to find like minded people. They'll share their experiences and see if it resonates with you.

[Sl****]

If you're not sure: Try comparing it to Vanilla Activities!! Do you like Cuddling, Kissing, Hugging, etc? If so, then does the Specific Kink Excite you or make you Happier?
Hell compare it even to your Vanilla Hobbies!!
Maybe it's because you've been put into a Dom/Sub Role that isn't for you. Maybe you're asexual. Maybe you just haven't found the right Kink.

[Da****]

23 minutes ago, SluttyMorrigan said:

If you're not sure: Try comparing it to Vanilla Activities!! Do you like Cuddling, Kissing, Hugging, etc? If so, then does the Specific Kink Excite you or make you Happier?
Hell compare it even to your Vanilla Hobbies!!
Maybe it's because you've been put into a Dom/Sub Role that isn't for you. Maybe you're asexual. Maybe you just haven't found the right Kink.

Solid advice!

[Sl****]

Compare & Contrast with things you KNOW make you happy.
Pay attention to what Kinks you see/hear/read. Does the idea of doing them or having them done to you seem interesting?
Heck it's also okay if you're Romantic, but NOT a sexual person. Maybe you just don't even have a sex drive which is ok!!

[ey****]

it's cos you're with partners that don't work for you, doing things you think you have to rather than what you enjoy.  It's not a bad thing to do something for the other persons enjoyment, but if you didn't kinda... enjoy their enjoyment... then something is a miss.

[Da****]

Yesterday at 01:38 PM, two-rivers70050 said:

So many great answers already.
I have struggled with similar questions and feelings. That's why I am here too. To understand what I do like and how to communicate that and what I don't like and communicate this assertively.
For example, I understand guys in general are visual creatures. I accept this. Phone sex or swapping pictures does absolutely nothing for me. I could and have tried phone sex once. It was awful. It was so disconnecting and stressful. I could pretend to make someone else happy especially not on video. And be neutral if I went into the call in the mindset of pretending.
I learned how to pretend like this to survive my whole life. Not just in the intimate parts of my life. All of it.
I have learned that if I have to pretend to protect. Then somewhere I am either hiding from something or needlessly throwing myself under some bus.
Finding and understanding my own worth has been life changing.
Being good either way ( with boundaries) in my choices has brought such peace and joy.
For example, I am finding that where I am at right now is vanilla with kinky sprinkles. I don't want to have tons of partners. If I can't find someone who loves this about me and wants to join in my sprinkles then I am happy to be single. Either way I get to keep my peace and feel positive about my sexuality.
It takes time and self reflection.
Hugs

👏 so many awesome comments including yours!

[Ja****]

Thank you all for your helpful comments and advice, I think one of my bigger problems up until recently is that I never had a community or even friends I could ask these kinds of questions. People don’t really talk about it but it’s so isolating dealing with these types of things and being expected to figure it out on your own, especially with the general stigma surrounding intimacy in general and how people feel as if you should know things sometimes.

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

it's cos you're with partners that don't work for you, doing things you think you have to rather than what you enjoy.  It's not a bad thing to do something for the other persons enjoyment, but if you didn't kinda... enjoy their enjoyment... then something is a miss.

Omg I never thought of it like that

[tw****]

2 hours ago, JamesL2001 said:

Thank you all for your helpful comments and advice, I think one of my bigger problems up until recently is that I never had a community or even friends I could ask these kinds of questions. People don’t really talk about it but it’s so isolating dealing with these types of things and being expected to figure it out on your own, especially with the general stigma surrounding intimacy in general and how people feel as if you should know things sometimes.

I totally agree. That's why I am here too. To have a place to learn and grow.

[Pi****]

i’d recommend looking into the asexuality community. regardless if that’s what you are they have lots of resources/discussions about consent not always needing to be 11/10 enthusiast if that is ok for both parties. A really good book I’d recommend is Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. It talks about different levels of consent, sex neutral, and having sex for less conventional reasons. For example, a sex neutral person could decide to have sex with their partner since they’re genuinely happy because they made their partner happy. obviously everyone needs to be consenting and not at all pressured- but i’ve found these perspectives to be helpful in figuring out what i want and what i’m comfortable with

[tw****]

Yesterday at 07:07 PM, Orions_Shield said:

👏 so many awesome comments including yours!

Thank you

[Ja****]

15 hours ago, PiperThePrincess said:

i’d recommend looking into the asexuality community. regardless if that’s what you are they have lots of resources/discussions about consent not always needing to be 11/10 enthusiast if that is ok for both parties. A really good book I’d recommend is Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex. It talks about different levels of consent, sex neutral, and having sex for less conventional reasons. For example, a sex neutral person could decide to have sex with their partner since they’re genuinely happy because they made their partner happy. obviously everyone needs to be consenting and not at all pressured- but i’ve found these perspectives to be helpful in figuring out what i want and what i’m comfortable with

I’d never even heard of that term before, but it honestly makes my situation make a lot more sense. I’ve always enjoyed the affection a lot more than the sex, kissing and cuddling being by far my favorite part of it all, so thank you for bringing it to my attention!