Deleted Member Posted October 7 My boyfriend isn’t dominant anymore after times of stress and being reminded of his sexual trauma. We talked about it many times and he says he just needs time. It’s been almost a year and I feel bad for my need for dominance. We have pretty much a dead bedroom. I stopped trying to find a compromise and am leaving him alone with the topic as to not pressure him. How do I cope with the lack of intimacy and kink by myself?
Le**** Posted October 8 Points lost here. But I think it might be time to find someone else. If they can't get it together after a year. They aren't going to.
Fo**** Posted October 8 It is difficult to speak on the trauma of others without specifics. Has he gone to therapy?
Cr**** Posted October 8 In my opinion the best course is for therapy, either him alone or both of you together or for both to happen. There isn't an easy way to get through trauma without a professional. If he's unwilling, I'd start analyzing how much his lack of intimacy and dominance is affecting your mental health and if it's feasible to stay in the relationship.
Mo**** Posted October 8 Try to find other outlets that you feel comfortable expressing yourself in. Explain the situation to your partner (if you already haven't) and see if they'd be cool with you handling your needs online (through others and/or roleplay). If that's not you: maybe try literature. Whenever I was in a dry spell reading some literature and fascinating pulled me into a different place.
Re**** Posted October 8 Couples therapy for a starts, and then therapy for him for his trauma, and while your at it some for you. Help you deal and work with him, and who knows may help you in other ways aswell.
Do**** Posted October 8 8 minutes ago, RedLion64 said: Couples therapy for a starts, and then therapy for him for his trauma, and while your at it some for you. Help you deal and work with him, and who knows may help you in other ways aswell. I think that’s a really good place to start and see if working through it together helps you meet your needs
cl**** Posted October 8 You are super young. A dead bedroom at that age and that stage of your relationship is very abnormal. There is definitely more than just trauma going on.
Le**** Posted October 8 Therapy can only do so much. If a person isn't willing and able. Therapy isn't going to do anything at all. Someone has to want therapy for it to even work, not just be effective.
ne**** Posted October 8 You shouldn't feel bad for your needs. Is there anything that he will do to help your needs
La**** Posted October 8 Just leave. Holding on knowing you're not happy isn't fair to him. Yank the bandaid off so he can begin healing.
bo**** Posted October 8 I think a lot of these perspectives can’t possibly take into account what he may actually be going through, and only he, and to some extent you would understand that. I don’t think it’s fair to make assumptions or expect an immediate “recovery” because nobody chooses trauma nor how it affects them. If you intend to stay with this person any and all possible communication and vulnerability would probably be an amazing help for both of you, and a plan with actionable steps that you both decide you feel good about may be the best way forward. Wishing you both the best!
Si**** Posted October 8 You have to ask yourself. Is he mister right or mister right now. If the latter then you choose yourself and you happiness. If he’s Mr right. Then work with him, have the conversations that are uncomfortable see what happens.
Wh**** Posted October 8 This is definitely a slippery slope to go down. Each of you have needs both sexual and non that you are entitled to. Right now you need to ask yourself how much you love this man, not just the sex. If he is struggling mentally then it makes sense he doesnt have that drive right now, because stress and depression can have very severe effects on hormonal balance. So ask yourself, do you love him or the desire to be dominated more. Having you there for love and support will only help to get him through the tough times, but also if it’s negatively impacting your happiness or future too much you dont have to be dragged down. So it’s a judgement call on your part to determine what state the situation leaves you in. Just don’t hurt him in anyway for whats happening to him already. If you do decide to leave the healthiest thing you can do is to be 100% honest with him and lay out everything. Don’t betray him in any way, then you are the bad guy in this all the way. Communicate your feelings and talk with him and move accordingly. Whatever happens, both of you deserve to be happy and do remember that sacrifices do need to be made to make a relationship great. Best of luck to you!!!
Deleted Member Posted October 8 If he is not communicating with you on his needs and actively working on healing so as to provide what you also need in the relationship, then you need some serious self reflection if he is what you want. If he has checked out of the relationship, is not working with you to heal and shutting you out, then the relationship is dead, not just the bedroom.
be**** Posted October 8 Sounds like he needs therapy for his trauma and you need therapy for whatever causes your “need” for dominance and kink. Then maybe some counseling together to find some understanding and common ground.
ho**** Posted October 8 1 hour ago, clymer287460 said: You are super young. A dead bedroom at that age and that stage of your relationship is very abnormal. There is definitely more than just trauma going on. not necessarily. sexual trauma can cause periods of sex repulsion. it's definitely not uncommon for someone that's been through trauma of that sort to go through several months or even a year of being uncomfortable with sex.
Recommended Posts