You’re Kinky In A Vanilla Relationship | How To Talk About It

When it comes to sex and relationships, there’s little that’s scarier than thinking your partner will reject you. You’re emotionally invested and want to make it work, and it can feel like any small oddity, or quirky behaviour could spell the end. Writer Kayla Lords explores why realizing you’re kinky in a vanilla relationship can seem catastrophic.

Will they freak out or kink out?

Will they think you’re a freak? Will they hate you? Will they back away in disgust and never speak to you again? Will this wonderful but vanilla relationship end in ruin, and you’ll be all alone? Most of the time, your partner will do none of those things, especially if you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s time to back away from the edge and realize that being kinky in a vanilla relationship isn’t the end of the world. You may find some sexy and kinky common ground with your partner.

Adding a level of kink to a vanilla relationship

When I first figured out I was kinky, I felt different from the ‘vanilla me’. I worried and assumed that people could tell I was different like there was a stamp on my forehead. I walked around on eggshells hoping my kink didn’t show. You might feel the same way, too, and if you’re unsure how your partner will handle it, it can be even more nerve-wracking.

You don’t have to blurt out “I’m a kinky fucker who wants to be spanked until I cry, bound in plastic wrap, and edged!” I mean, you can, but it’s not a requirement. Instead, start small with a single kinky fantasy. If you’ve got a hint that your partner might be interested in adding some level of kink to your vanilla relationships - like spanking or handcuffs or a bit of power - share a fantasy you think they might like. See how they handle that revelation. If they don’t run screaming from the room (and I’m fairly certain they won’t), share the next fantasy.

Chatting with your partner about adding kink to your vanilla relationship might not be as scary as you think!

Explain what you mean by 'kinky'

Telling a partner that you’re “kinky” leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Depending on what they believe kink to be, they might get a picture in their head that’s wildly different than what you actually want. It’s best to be straightforward and have the “I’m kinky, and this is what I like” conversation.

Are you sexually submissive who wants a partner to control your orgasms and have their way with you? Would you like to tie up a willing partner and do sexy, fun things to them? What does “kinky” mean to you? That’s where you can start the conversation. To a vanilla partner, I might say, “I’m a submissive woman who likes a partner to take control in the bedroom. I also enjoy some impact play and ***.” Once that’s out, then we can talk about what it means.

Start slow and keep talking

Your partner might hear “submissive”, “Dominant” or “bondage” and think you’re ready to start a BDSM scene right away. Make it clear to your partner that, assuming they’re interested, you can move as slow as needed until everyone is comfortable. It’s equally possible your partner is secretly kinky and might be ready to take your vanilla relationship to a kinkier level. You still need to go slow.

Make sure both of you understand what the other is interested in. For a genuinely vanilla person, they may need to learn about certain kinks or how to do them. They will need time to process what you’ve told them and decide how they feel about it. Be prepared for questions, and remember t’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Share the resources you use to understand your kinks and what it all means to you. Help them learn but don’t pressure them to make a decision.

Watch a kinky film together if you want to show what you need in your vanilla relationship.

Focus on the fun

If your partner is curious and interested in exploring adding kink to your vanilla relationship, focus on the fun. BDSM, specifically, can be serious business with its necessary focus on safety and consent. Yes, you and your partner need to keep those things in mind. But don’t forget to focus on the fun you can have! Trying a new position, adding some light bondage to your sexual pleasure, playing with orgasms and sex in a new way is a lot of fun for people who enjoy it.

Think of everything as an experiment. Yes, you want things to go well, but part of the enjoyment is in the journey. Maybe ***d orgasms aren’t your thing, but having your partner spend so much time on your pleasure feels good. Maybe the only *** you can handle is hair pulling or light smacks on the bottom. Focus on pleasure, and you may find your partner enjoys more kink than you originally thought.

There are no guarantees

“When a relationship is good, and you care about the person, you want everything to be “perfect.” Anything that threatens your idea of perfection feels scary and out of control, which is why you worry about confessing your kinky side to a vanilla partner. There are no guarantees that your kinks will be embraced, that your every fantasy will come true, and you’ll live the kinky happily-ever-after of your dreams.”

If you remember that this is new to your partner, go slow, and find any kinks you might both enjoy, talking to your partner doesn’t have to be stressful. Healthy relationships can be as kinky or as vanilla as the people involved want. What matters most is both partners get what they need and are able to communicate openly with each other.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life.