Dom / vanilla relationship help needed 👋🏻

[mr****]

Hello there I'm a 27 year old male dom . I've been with my partner for 7 years and she is vanilla and we both are monogamist. We had a couple of break ups throughout our relationship and the main problem for me was my sex drive is more than hers (i want 4 5 times a week and she can go on without sex for 14 days or so ) and I'm also a Dom . When we started dating I wasn't fully aware of my desires and I learned about them . After our last break up I studied and experienced BDSM with different partners The excitement was SUPER high for me . It's not like I don't enjoy or don't cum in regular or vanilla sex, I do . But the excitement of practicing bdsm was amazing . We got back together because we love each other and other aspects of our relationship are amazing but of course the problem remains . We went for different counseling but it wasn't that helpful . we have clear and safe communication . we tried some plays but it's not for her and I also don't enjoy knowing she is doing that just for me and not enjoying it herself . I was searching for help to see if we can work it out somehow and have a good marriage (we aren't married yet ) I see her as someone that I love to spend the rest of my life with but the *** of not being fulfilled is too much . Im searching for some methods or similar experiences or I don't know maybe just venting .

[bu****]

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker. You will never get her into bdsm or poly, and that is fine. She doesn't need to be into those things. But you need to seriously consider whether you can be happy long term. If not, yall need to part ways. Sometimes, we just are not compatible, and there is nothing wrong with that. The *** comes when we don't want to admit that, and we attempt to *** change in our partners. It's gets ugly quickly.

[Bo****]

You have to answer for yourself, can you be your best self in a monogamous vanilla relationship.
I understand the relationship being amazing and not losing it, but also needing to be true to yourself and your desires.

[bu****]

Example, you're on an app looking for submissive women while already stating you're in a mono relationship. You are most likely cheating on her just by being on here. The situation has already made you a dishonest man. Gonna be honest, as a submissive I could never truly trust or submit to a man that lies to the women he says he cares about and sees forever with. If you can do this to her, what can you do when a submissive gives you every Oz of her. 

You may want to really look inside yourself and figure out what you want. 

[Su****]

My husband and I listened to the podcast Nope! We’re Not Monogamous together to learn about what ENM is really about (because fuck TV and how they show polyamory).

We both realized that we have an amazing marriage, but the bedroom just doesn’t align. So ENM was our option. We found that by learning first and going slow we are more solid in our communication, trust, and overall happiness.

[Bo****]

13 minutes ago, buckley887 said:

Example, you're on an app looking for submissive women while already stating you're in a mono relationship. You are most likely cheating on her just by being on here. The situation has already made you a dishonest man. Gonna be honest, as a submissive I could never truly trust or submit to a man that lies to the women he says he cares about and sees forever with. If you can do this to her, what can you do when a submissive gives you every Oz of her. 

You may want to really look inside yourself and figure out what you want. 

Omg so agree about the sub red flag…being ENM I get married guys all the time contacting me and I’ve learned to asked, because it’s scary how many their partner doesn’t know.

[bu****]

7 minutes ago, BothellQueen said:

Omg so agree about the sub red flag…being ENM I get married guys all the time contacting me and I’ve learned to asked, because it’s scary how many their partner doesn’t know.

Yep. One look at this dudes profile told me that she most likely knows nothing. I don't want to assume, but I'd be shocked if he was being honest with her between this post and his profile. Which sucks because no submissive deserves a dom that doesn't know what he wants or how to control himself. It shows immaturity, lack of accountability, and inability to be honest. 3 things a D/s relationship absolutely need. Luckily he is young and has plenty of time to figure it out. Hopefully he finds a Dom to study under and really understands what it is we submissive do and the care we fucking require. 

[Deleted Member]

I've been in a similar situation in the past and genuinely feel for you brother. Interested to see the responses you get from this

Edited October 7, 2023 by Deleted Member

[gi****]

I think it is essential that you communicate with your current partner. If you are going to be fulfilled in this lifestyle, and maintain this relationship, then being open and honest with her is paramount. If you are going to stay together, you need to communicate. Consensuality, safety, and trust are needed in your current relationship. Seeing a kink aware therapist to help work through these things can be beneficial. There is a directory for Kink and Polyamory Aware Professionals that has links to mental health professionals and coaches that may be beneficial to help with this. Good luck.

[Mi****]

Your relationship status on your profile says you’re single. It also says you are looking for partners. Either you need to update your profile to reflect that you are no longer single, or your question needs some tweaking. A path forward that includes a healthy relationship with your current monogamous partner isn’t going to happen if you have other partners without her consent.

[StaindGlassHeart]

Yikes.

Anyone potentially and currently involved with you deserves the respect of honesty. This isn’t it, my dood. Being on a kink app, listed as single, but talking about your 7 year relationship -which you are currently in- and looking for partners is such a HUGE red flag.

You need to take a moment to figure out exactly what you want, and what can see yourself accepting and enjoying long term. Until you do do that, you’re not giving anyone your best self. Sort yourself out and stop being a walking red flag.

[ey****]

your choices

what is more important - her or kink

if it's her, then, great - go off marry her - put your all into the relationship, accept you probably won't be able to partake in BDSM

if it's kink, then, the relationship must draw to a conclusion and then you're free to pursue a more kink direction

there is the potential have-your-cake option in which you remain fully committed to her, but participate in some form of BDSM play with others.  So that might be, I dunno, once a month with her knowledge you go to a play party, do some play with someone and then come home to her

[mr****]

@buckley887 thank you so much for reading and answering. Yea no one can nad should *** anything to other . Im considering it that if I can be happy long term or not . And after so long i know people are different . Tnx again for your reply

[mr****]

@brothellqueen tnx for reading and replying . Yep I got to make the choice

[mr****]

@buckley887 tnx for reminding me my profile . I deleted the app when we got back together and installed it again so I can find some solution and reach out to the community but forgot to change my status . And of course I informed her I installed it and I'm talking with people here . But I hear you . And again tnx for your kind reply

[mr****]

Tnx for reading and replying . Im gonna listen to nope ! And tnx for sharing your experience. It may be a choice I have to explore more and research more about it tnx again,

[mr****]

@chav187 tnx dude . What happened in your relationship if you are comfy to tell ? For now mostly I forgot to change my profile status it's for past and after I logged in again I forgot to change my status but I'm getting positive responses and some new information

[mr****]

@giraut tnx for reading and responding . Yea we communicate a lot in a safe and cool environment. Unfortunately in Iran (my country) I couldn't find a good kink aware professional it's super taboo . All I can find is from online articles and books and ... but I can't find anything specifically like mine . If you know someone who I can contact it
Would be a great help tnx again for replying

[mr****]

@minnesotaminx tnx for reading and replying yea I have deleted the app but forgot to change the status . I've changed it now .

[mr****]

@sttaindglasshearth thank for reading and replying and also for pointing out my profile . I've deleted the app when we got back together and just came back for this question and some answers and she knows I'm on it right now to figure things out and may find some answers . but I forgot to change the status . And it's very nice to see people here are very accepting and not judging . Again thank you for your kind comment

[mr****]

@eyemblacksheep tnx for reading and replying . Yea i should choose I'm gonna research and talk about how it affects the relationship and us if I go try this with someone once a month or how far or what are the limits . but it's a good thought I'm gonna think about it . Or I have to choose one . Thanks again for commenting

[KinkyChef-69]

Life’s too short. Both of you need to be happy

[Bo****]

3 hours ago, mrdaniell said:

@buckley887 tnx for reminding me my profile . I deleted the app when we got back together and installed it again so I can find some solution and reach out to the community but forgot to change my status . And of course I informed her I installed it and I'm talking with people here . But I hear you . And again tnx for your kind reply

Good for you, you are one step in the right direction. Listen to Nope and look at ENM, there’s a large community available to support you both.

[Pi****]

I meet so many guys like this who refuse to let a a good woman go and instead treat her like a mushroom, while cheating on her and treating other good women like crap. Stop. You are not compatible with her and you will hurt her for your own ego. Let her go. Then find a woman who is compatible and live in the light in honesty.

[gi****]

4 hours ago, mrdaniell said:

@giraut tnx for reading and responding . Yea we communicate a lot in a safe and cool environment. Unfortunately in Iran (my country) I couldn't find a good kink aware professional it's super taboo . All I can find is from online articles and books and ... but I can't find anything specifically like mine . If you know someone who I can contact it
Would be a great help tnx again for replying

There may be those who will do virtual therapy.  You may want to google kink aware professionals and see what comes up.