Communication confidence

[Ba****]

I’m really wanting some advice. I have had multiple brain injuries and, I have never had the gift of a silver tongue in conversation. I’m very confident in my abilities to connect with people when I get past my awkward start and in the bedroom. My wife and I have been working on our open relationship with effective communication. We have agreed to be poly. She and I both want to bring others on our beautiful life path. I have been doing a lot of social experiments and putting myself in uncomfortable situations to grow. I continue to get people that are just toxic and rattle my confidence. I’m also a survivor of two narcissistic marriages after coming home from the military. So I am still trying to figure out who I am again without the past coming back to break down everything I have built.

[no****]

Hmmm.... I'd say find a healthy kink/poly group, both emphasize communication. In a healthy community/group, people will be known to each other, and toxic people may enter, but they seem to leave quickly. Stay, contribute, be seen enough people know you and your character, and only get involved with people who have positive references from others in the community, ideally past partners and not just "they seem fine".

It's a slow and careful way of doing things, but for acceptance of your differences and measures against toxic people, it's probably one of the stronger strategies.

(Obviously, if the group doesn't feel welcoming to people who need time to express themselves, not a good group, at least not for what you're looking for. Don't be afraid to move on.)

[DarkArts1066]

Speaking as someone who has had a similar career path (in the UK) in the past, and having had a very similar marriage history also ! - I can understand the difficulties you might be having, and why.

It is incredibly difficult sometimes to put past devastations behind you, but you seem to have a handle on that, and you recognise your past for what it was to you then - and what it is to you now - the past.

The key then, is to have the confidence that you are making the right, objective decisions, moving forward.
I am very to chat through your concerns, and perhaps offer some ideas and thoughts which I have on this subject privately - if you would like ?
Just drop me a line if you would like to chat.
No one should have to deal with the toxic behaviours of others. Ever.
Best wishes to you.

[bi****]

My advice is to ask your wife for help with this. Sure, you will get toxic people everywhere - its to be expected, whether they really are toxic or just too stressed/impatient thermselves to treat you humanely is irrelevant (though I think its 99% the latter), but it sounds like you have a good relationship there, so use it fully. Don't overdo the social experimenting - just stick to what you're comfortable with and build on that instead.

[whipped]

It sounds like you have had a lot of exposure to toxic, abusive, and otherwise dangerous people... If you struggle with in-the-moment chat, maybe figure out & solidify your boundaries ahead of time so you can be more practised for when it matters. (And trust your instinct with people, so they are not in a position to rattle you.) Good luck with your journey!

[Ba****]

I appreciate the input. I talk with my wife about it a lot yet, she is a nurse so I do the leg work. Also I am retired and have lots of time to work on my conversation skills. I have always wanted to be more involved. Being in an open/poly relationship is completely new to me and love it. I don’t want to rely on her to pull for us only. Goofy pick up lines or ice breakers are not my thing. I like deep conversations to be able to tell if potential partners have emotional intelligence. Exposure therapy is a proven method for many things, yet I always guard my energy and recharge at home when needed.

[Deleted Member]

Read “The Unplugged Alpha” by Richard Cooper

[MasterofSinUK]

I too have multiple brain injuries since I had a covid19 vaccine. So don't worry you're in illustrious company. Don't let others judge you. You do you. It'll be OK. Things get better. Don't fret. You're great.

[AKA_Copper]

I've given this same advice to someone recently, forget everything until you've figure out who you are as a person before you involve other people.
I don't know when you left the military but that would have been pretty much your whole identity. Being in unhealthy relationships, I assume for long periods of time if married, will also have given you a particular outlook and altered 'you'
I would take this time as your opportunity to have 'me time'
There are 'toxic' people everywhere, the thing is, you can identify them.

[Be****]

Greetings. To improve yourself, i would suggest you take a personality test. Google 16personalities and find an appropriate test. I would suggest you take the test 3 times in different times (i.e., 1 month after) to be sure. There are also many character development plans made by scientists for each specific character type. Then, when you figure out your character type, you can use some of the character development suggestion sets and figure out what works best for you from those.

[Ch****]

Some odd advice which has actually helped with me since I have a neurological disability plus ADHD, anxiety, ect was attending Swingers events. I don't participate in play but very much the conversations. I have actually found a current partner and many friends from attending BDSM/Swinger events.

I also found local or county local FB LS/kink/Poly groups to be very helpful. My favorite is actually a local discord group.

[Gi****]

Seems like you're already doing great especially in regards to noticing narcissistic behavior and toxic traits before you develop a relationship. There's never going to be an answer that encompasses everything that would be the "Correct" way of searching through possible connections while weeding out those toxic individuals. Advice wise I'd just say keep looking don't give up if this is what you and your partner want in life, and just keep building yourself up don't let anyone bring you down and definitely never change for anyone else other then yourself. I would rather live hated by others then hated by myself.

[Ba****]

Thank you all so much for your support and advice. I will keep stepping in this positive direction. Definitely will go to more events and stop doubting myself after this fulfilling post.

[So****]

Not sure how helpful, but I have a one-two wombo combo for that. First, the outlook that you have no enemies. If people try to hurt you, it's because of who they are, not you. The world isn't malevolent. Internalise there being no enemies, just people dealing poorly with the human condition. Then, the +1 method. However open someone chooses to be, do the same, +1. Awkward is better than cold. This doesn't solve any problems directly. But it reshapes your thinking, your self as it is, to face life with better chances.

[en****]

Time is irrelevant because it's a manmade construct so any time you lose shouldn't make you feel a way. Devote time.

Most humans you meet in public won't remember you after the engagement you're about to have with them. Act however you want, within reason, because that person has impermanence.

You only have one life, as far as we know, so live it. Do with it what you want, again within reason.

Why do we all let so many others control us when those others aren't going to be present mere moments from now?

[th****]

Do you also suffer from aphasia?

[th****]

<~~~~severe traumatic brain *** in 2014

[Ba****]

No I have had two mild TBI and my last one in July was a moderate. More concussions than I can count. I just got back from a TBI treatment center in LA and now have been challenging myself socially. I’m out of the self loathing phase of my life and now on a positive path to recovery from all my issues.

I really think that my social skills are tainted by my past and I will need more therapy to accept the past. Once I accept that, I will be fine and living my best life fully.

I can’t really answer why humans allow the actions of others affect us so deeply just yet. I know the answer will come in time. I do know that most are wired with empathy and it maybe misguided at times without knowing.

[Deleted Member]

What advice do you seek, specifically?

[Na****]

Bake,
A. Damn, sounds like you’ve been through some serious shit and my heart goes to you for your struggles.
B. Tbh. I do not think this is the place to be exploring this topic and would advise you to find a professional to speak with, just for listening and empathizing (in my experience only pros really know how to do this)
C. While I acknowledge and honor your choice to challenge yourself and push your boundaries, I invite you to consider another direction for your attention: recomciliation of your past, relating to both your parent of the opposite sex, as well as patterns of choices you’ve inherited via your family lineages.
Good luck. And yes, it can all be deeply frustrating at times.

[ms****]

Have you tried a journal, jotting down thoughts as you have them, in own way and language. Then once a week using those to put together a version you can share.

[Si****]

uhh, i hope youre aware of the risks associated with being poly, my dude….

regardless if youre trying to go down this path, you will meet a shit ton of toxic people. but id write down what you want to communicate with your lady, like your expectations and potential dealbreakers and then read them or give them to her after one or two revisions

[du****]

Well, don't let that shake you. From what I can tell. You're a beautiful man. You've also done and seen things that most haven't nor ever will. The galleons of your soul overways any kind of disrespect. If they don't conform to you or simply show humility then they're not with your time.

[da****]

What are some behaviors in your experience exploring polyamory that were hurtful? Maybe moving forward you can look for those behaviors and set boundaries around them? It can be hard to find people who are striving towards ethical behavior in general so that can be hard in polyamory as well, but there are some really great people out there.

[Te****]

In my experience the amount of people that you will encounter that are toxic are the majority tbh. The best thing you can do for yourself is DO the Shadow work. It sucks. It hurts, and it is the ultimate embracing the suck you will ever do. When you do this, the ability to be confident in yourself and ignore the confidence rattling idjits will be sweeter than hearing index after NTC.