Interview or two-way communication. A question for Dom Women.

[MasterDarcy1979]

I'm a male Dom.

Firstly, I have never initiated contact with a submissive. Mainly because I don't want to be a pest. It's common knowledge that generally men inundate women with messages (Kink and vanilla).

I value myself higher than just being one of the masses.

When a sub initiates contact with me I expect a long and well written message. My advert is long and detailed, I expect it to be matched.

When the ice is broken I do consider it an interview process. By design. I want to ask questions and queries. This is the only way to judge whether or not I'm compatible with the aforementioned submissive.

When the interview phase is over, and if I feel a connection, I'll ask them to write me an email, basically telling me as much about herself as possible. Not just kink wise, but everything, ranging from her formative years to her current life. Everything.

This is a formal approach, but it's what I choose to do. The best way of getting to know someone is through communication and I feel that email is a way of fast-forwarding things.

[zr****]

Have you ever been f**ked by a guy younlook up too and is intellectually challenging

[ey****]

Jesus. A lot of guys here didn't understand the assignment, I didn't realise communication was so bad.

[zr****]

Stleast im trying again totally ignoring what i said and just undermining my thought life is a dominatrix waiting for shit to pollunate

[Erin_85cent-233]

I feel as if this is a symptom of a larger issue wherein due to the nature of kink relationships, building a strong and genuine non-kink relationship is overlooked, which makes the kink relationship become more ***d and not naturally occuring.

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, zrich320 said:

Have you ever been f**ked by a guy younlook up too and is intellectually challenging

It's strange that the moderators missed such a boorish comment.

[ey****]

4 hours ago, zrich320 said:

Stleast im trying again totally ignoring what i said and just undermining my thought life is a dominatrix waiting for shit to pollunate

I mean, I wasn't talking (specifically) about you - but if the boot fits...

So on one hand - it was a post aimed at other Female Dominants. 

And that while, of course, things are an open forum - that men seem to want to talk about what they want to talk about rather than following conversation might well tie in with the OP's point

 

It is something I've heard as a common complaint - from women feeling they have to carry a lot of the conversation with men having little to offer/ask outside of usual small talk until the woman either gets bored, exhausted or assumes the guy isn't all that interested (or, interested in her as a person)

If there's one thing that male subs can probably take from this is kinda... be more interested. Not like "yeah I'm interested, let's play!" but like the whole "get to know each other" kinda thing. 

[Th****]

On 8/3/2023 at 4:24 PM, 1MissAnn said:

Dominant women, have you ever had the feeling that you are conducting a one-sided interview with your potential sub, and not trying to learn more about each other in the format of a two-way dialogue? As if the submissive constantly expects that all topics, all questions should come from you, practically without asking anything in response / without being interested in what kind of person will take control of him?
~
How do you feel about this type of communication? Is this a sign of disinterest and repulsive behavior for you, or do you, on the contrary, think that this is how it should be if you are a Dominant?

P.s. I notice this trend regularly, even taking into account the fact that 90% of people write to me first, which means they are clearly interested in getting to know each other. At some point in my life, I began to wonder if maybe I wanted to see interest in my side - it's not about dominance, and I'm clearly doing something wrong? I don't think this is true, but in any case I want to hear the stories/opinions of women and perhaps also from people on the other side of the barricades - submissives.

Good topic...

I've had similar experiences and I feel there are a few potential reasons for this. 

For some they arent particular about who we may be as an individual and they're fine with any willing participant. Which is a huge turn off for me and likely most Dominants i would guess.

They're maybe a bit shy or feeling awkward, sometimes it gets better if I put in a little extra effort to get them to start opening up more but it can be a little exhausting so I have my limits, they need to have something extra appealing about them.

Some are overly submissive and compliant even in the just getting to know each other as people or they are the type that want/need to be micromanaged and have everything taken care of for them, the adulting avoiders. Those types just aren't a match for me. I need personality not a doormat and I'd definitely not looking for an adult ward. 

I'd actually be curious to hear if it's similar or different for male Dominants and if it's a Dom(me)/sub issue or a difference in gender. I don't like to feel this way but it does often appear that many men on either of the slash are of the any willing participant will do. It's also likely that most of that type are newer or inexperienced and it's possibly a form of frenzy. 

 

OK, I'm off now to read others' comments and to catch up with the conversation. 

[li****]

To answer your question from the submissive side. (I’ve never had experience so take this with a grain of salt) but I’d expect the be able to communicate with my mistress or dom in a two-sided manner… I’d want to know just as much about them as they’d want to know about me. From a sub perspective, I’d like someone to care without showing that they care when it’s time to do the do. Outside of being their sub (assuming it’s not a 24/7 thing. Or honestly even during a 24/7 thing) I’d expect to be able to relate or learn about my dom on a more into and friendly level. I hope this helps :)

[me****]

I do not claim to be an expert on this subject. Infact I am somewhat new to this. However, from my understanding. The role of the dominant is to guide. Its their responsiblity to make sure everyone is safe and entertained so to speak. The Sub has one role. To say "No" or safe word when they are not able to continue for what ever reason.

Now, before a Dom can even get started. They need to know what they can and cannot do if somewhere or some thing is out of bounds and ensure consent and safety controls are in place.

To do all of that you need a pretty good conversation before hand.

[ey****]

46 minutes ago, melbourne940 said:

However, from my understanding. The role of the dominant is to guide. Its their responsiblity to make sure everyone is safe and entertained so to speak. The Sub has one role. To say "No" or safe word when they are not able to continue for what ever reason.

your understanding is very one dimensional and inaccurate

 

[Ja****]

From my experience subs like that are empty vessels that want to be filled up. I've been in a D/s relationship with someone who had a lot of needs and needed a lot a guidance and domination 24/7 and it was too much for me. I think connection is important and if they aren't making the connection they don't know themselves very well. If they aren't trying to get to know you, I'd say they are looking more for the experience than the particular parson.

[me****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

your understanding is very one dimensional and inaccurate

 

Since I explained at the start that I am no expert and infact I am new to the scene. I am happy to hear your understanding.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, melbourne940 said:

Since I explained at the start that I am no expert and infact I am new to the scene. I am happy to hear your understanding.

The first thing to remember is that F/m dynamics/relationships (which this post is about) is very different from M/f (which it is not) and while there is overlap - the two are different.  This is largely because the society we live in is patriarchal 

The next thing is that there's no "one-size" approach to any dynamic.  

Equally - even in any dynamic where a Dominant is taking on a guiding role - when it's in the stage of just messaging there is no established dynamic.

If you want a Dominant to guide you then firstly she has to feel this is going to be worth her while. Because that's emotional labour.  But also, you as a sub would still have to establish they are the right person to guide you.  Ironically (or not) proactively asking questions serves three purposes here. (1) it helps you establish that this is worth pursuing for yourself (2) it makes her feel like you're interested in her, rather than a fantasy, rather than as "anything you can get" (3) showing you are proactive can go a long way in any form of servitude and can play well into many F/m dynamics.

Example : the whole "whatever Mistress wants", "whatever you ask I will do" creates emotional labour because you are being micromanaged through tasks.  Like, "why aren't the dishes done", "you didn't tell me to" 

Whereas being proactive is something that goes to serve your Mistress and make their life easier.  So they have more time/energy to focus on the fun stuff.

Of course, it might be that they're not interested in you proactively washing the dishes - so maybe that's something to find out through questions.    

[me****]

2 hours ago, Jay_Domina said:

From my experience subs like that are empty vessels that want to be filled up. I've been in a D/s relationship with someone who had a lot of needs and needed a lot a guidance and domination 24/7 and it was too much for me. I think connection is important and if they aren't making the connection they don't know themselves very well. If they aren't trying to get to know you, I'd say they are looking more for the experience than the particular parson.

I completely agree that with out know the other person. It results in less enjoyable sex. In short sex is about a connection. Go to hard you cause damage. Do not go hard enough less enjoyment. I do think giving up control is one of the hardest things to do.
And it absolutely needs trust. Lately, I have been leaving some things loose or holding them down in a way they could get out. If they find it. I reward them. And often they pretend as they are still confined. Which leads to more rewards. I assume you might do the same.

[Deleted Member]

53 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

The first thing to remember is that F/m dynamics/relationships (which this post is about) is very different from M/f (which it is not) and while there is overlap - the two are different.  This is largely because the society we live in is patriarchal 

The next thing is that there's no "one-size" approach to any dynamic.  

Equally - even in any dynamic where a Dominant is taking on a guiding role - when it's in the stage of just messaging there is no established dynamic.

If you want a Dominant to guide you then firstly she has to feel this is going to be worth her while. Because that's emotional labour.  But also, you as a sub would still have to establish they are the right person to guide you.  Ironically (or not) proactively asking questions serves three purposes here. (1) it helps you establish that this is worth pursuing for yourself (2) it makes her feel like you're interested in her, rather than a fantasy, rather than as "anything you can get" (3) showing you are proactive can go a long way in any form of servitude and can play well into many F/m dynamics.

Example : the whole "whatever Mistress wants", "whatever you ask I will do" creates emotional labour because you are being micromanaged through tasks.  Like, "why aren't the dishes done", "you didn't tell me to" 

Whereas being proactive is something that goes to serve your Mistress and make their life easier.  So they have more time/energy to focus on the fun stuff.

Of course, it might be that they're not interested in you proactively washing the dishes - so maybe that's something to find out through questions.    

Diamond words! You're damn good, and you definitely know it.

[go****]

Coming from a sub/switches perspective I try to show interest and ask questions but I get worried without having explicit permission or an understanding of the expectations from me, so when getting to know a dominant I try to let them lead but always ask how about you. I’m not sure if this helps or answers your question. Sorry I’m advance if it wasn’t helpful

[me****]

2 hours ago, goodboyN said:

Coming from a sub/switches perspective I try to show interest and ask questions but I get worried without having explicit permission or an understanding of the expectations from me, so when getting to know a dominant I try to let them lead but always ask how about you. I’m not sure if this helps or answers your question. Sorry I’m advance if it wasn’t helpful

Its always correct to tell your partner anything you think is relevant.

However, you should meet this person before doing anything in public. And talk before hand.

[ey****]

18 hours ago, 1MissAnn said:

Diamond words! You're damn good, and you definitely know it.

Ha, thank you.

Not, of course, that I get everything right in practice.  

I guess there is some stuff I can sympathise a bit - I think, for example, if someone turns up for a job interview and the question comes up "do you have any questions for us?" that a lot of candidates sometimes struggle, either that it's not something they thought about - or - actually they really need the job (either unemployed, needing higher pay, or needing to get out of a toxic job) and not wanting to scare off a potential employer.    But, there is a big difference in the sense, that, the society we live in means people kinda need an income, whereas no one actually *needs* a Domme/partner/etc.  

[Mo****]

I definitely read it as disinterest, which in turn makes me disinterested.

[Wi****]

I'm a sub personally I find the questions intimidating lol. I have been found by like 7 people and all they want is *** and I was upset because I feel manipulated. I feel this site will not have a legitimate lady dom on. I feel that doms on here are primarily after *** and I feel that if it's a true dom and sub relationship *** shouldn't be a factor in their meeting and both should just mutually respectful and understanding of eachother. Just *** why ***