love and domination

[sadmistress94]

So, hey guys. New here. Struggling a bit tbh. My boyfriend introduced me to BDSM (he's sub, I'm dom, apparently) 4 years ago and I found it difficult at first.

He has erectile dysfunction, we tried to have sex during our first few years together but I've since given up. He has no interest in having penetrative sex with me. I came to terms with that and learnt to love our kink together. The thing is though, I still struggle. I have built up a whole world where I am this super kinky dom and i am just not. I think about cheating, just to have a man hug me, want me, lead the way (I am not submissive at all, I just want the "normal sex" shown on Netflix, the passionate, rolling around and f*cking). I love some things like foot fetish, denial, etc but this morning he wanted me do the bondage thing (not my kink) so I did, and it was all sad, I couldn't pretend to like it so well. I am lonely guys, I am really lonely 

[Deleted Member]

Hi, you need to talk to him and be honest. Tell him the truth about how you feel as hard as that may be. If you're being Domme just for him then I ask what about you? Surely your needs and happiness are just as important as his. A tough situation but one that will not magically improve and if you feel like this now what will it be like in say, another year. Talk, be open and honest and take it from there

[Carnelian2]

Hi, It sounds like he wants you to live out his fantasies. I know this sounds harsh, and it really is not meant as such.
The first thing for you to maybe explore is if there are elements of D/s that appeal to you.
If he is submissive, you can assert yourself by making him earn the sexual side of it, but also making sure that he understands that you as Dominant decide if, when, how and where any sexual gratification takes place.

I was exploring the submissive side last year, and a good friend pointed me to a couple of books by Ms. Rika, a US life-style Dominant. The first one is called "Uniquely Rika" and sets out a lot of the stereotypical male ideas of submission, contrasted with the female perspective. More importantly, it also explores how these can actually be made to work.

 

[Rossco]

It feels like your sacrificing you’re love & desires solely to satisfy his. This is one of the biggest problems with kink when one person wants something that the other is willing to do for them but it becomes the central part of there Sex life. This isn’t ok & you should talk to your partner about it, you both need to be open & honest with each other & both be calm but make sure you let him know how you feel x

[Deleted Member]

Maybe put something in writing.what you want and expect from him and so forth .spoken words often go in one ear and out the other .and find a mentor for yourself would be a good idea I reckon

[Deleted Member]

Build up his confidence, strip back everything until he realises he can loose it all. Push the buttons that gets you off not his. If he bounces back so will his confidence past the mental issues of erectile dysfunction get him to see a doctor aspirin will thin the *** for him to get hard over time. Took a good person to stay the course with me. Best of luck

[Mz****]

"My boyfriend introduced me to BDSM (he's sub, I'm dom, apparently) 4 years ago and I found it difficult at first"

Actually, from the rest of your post I think you've got that the wrong way round, usually it the D that says what will and will not be happening, after talking, negotiating, and agreeing together..that as his Domme you're routinely doing things 'not your kink' shows that the talking, negotiating and agreeing part is sorely missing..your sadness speaks volumes, you must be one hell of an actress if he can't see how lonely and miserable you feel, I wonder how you're still together when it appears neither of you are getting what you want from the sexual side of your relationship, fours years is a long time to live with that kind of frustration and sadness.

Have you considered cuckolding him? Lock his cock in a cage and bring in someone..(ideally that you both get to know and become friends with), and get the Netflix type sex you describe and are craving from that person, with your boyfriend kneeling and watching from the corner..you may well find this empowers you to be more Domme in other areas, it will certainly help your confidence and mood, sexy happy hormones make such a difference to mental wellbeing..and it wouldn't be cheating because your boyfriend would be aware, and if you and your bull choose he could participate, whether thats cleaning you, or you both up afterwards, or bathing, and dressing you in preparation for your dates with him and so on.. just a thought. 

I get that his erectile dysfunction could be problematic, has he spoken to his doctor? Does he even want sex, or is he happy with being serviced by you in exchange for your sadness. There's techniques and medications that may help improve that..perhaps some couples therapy or counselling if you want to save the relationship but he can't or won't talk about how this sexless life is affecting you?

I hate that you feel so lonely, I've been there, its bad enough when you're alone and lonely, but in a relationship feeling that way it breaks my heart..sending virtual hugs your way and hoping someone here can help you see how much worth you have and how selfish he's being.

 

[ey****]

It's obvious that you love and care about him, but there's some things you need to be open with him about.

Basically, what you enjoy and what you don't.   If he wants you to be a Domme figure, then he needs to also accept that you would set the rules and boundaries.

There are activities obviously he enjoys that you do not.  You need to not do these, there are ways you can enjoy them (for the response from him) but these will never be enjoyable while you are, overall, unhappy.

And what he should also understand, he cannot have the best 'you' while you are unhappy.  If he wants you to be Domme, he needs to be working on your happiness.

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The cuckold idea could work.  Someone you both trust that you can have the type of sex on your terms with - and, it might even be your partner gets a satisfaction seeing you satisfied in ways he cannot make you.   

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Whatever you decide, things cannot continue as they are with you unhappy

[Leeeeen]

If you do not communicate, the relationship is not going to work, with kink or without. Communication is the most important thing. Negotiations are important as well. It sounds like you were told to only meet his needs and not your own. A D/s relationship is 50/50. It should always been looked at and negotiated. If you both love one another you should communicate, negotiate and talk. Even if that means getting outside help, and yes there are therapists for this. You cannot stay in something where you are miserable, sad or deprived of your needs. You do deserve happiness.

[Deleted Member]

If you are thinking of cheating, it's over already in your mind. Just split up, be honest about it, Don't cheat on him. That will be the wrong thing to do. He will respect you for just being honest. By the sound of it he has probably weighed up the situation already and is waiting for you to say something. All I know is when the spark is gone, it's not coming back. And if it does its never the same. I think you both are just going through the motions to just trying to keep the other happy.....sorry if this sounds a bit harsh. But I know what a loveless relationship feels like. And I wouldnt hang around next time around

[JaMtogether]

This is a tough spot to be in!
Have you clearly told him you need more affection from him? Has it been suggested to switch roles & why you need the switch. Even if he struggles with ED he can still satisfy you and he may not know how to do that without penetration. If you love him & this is your biggest unhappiness in the relationship talk to him. You’ve supported the issue for 4 years. assure him that a more loving exchange on his part will take you guys down a long happy road together.
Also, I love the suggestion of introducing another partner to your relationship. I know many couple in your situation who have this kind of agreement.

[Deleted Member]

Sad to read this. You’re not allowed to be you in your relationship and isn’t this the place we should be allowed to be ourselves? I’d be very very hesitant to introduce another partner and/or new kink until the two of you are communicating. Its like having a baby to shore up a dying relationship. Is he doing anything about his ED? Is he doing anything about your pleasure?

[ol****]

I am with @Curvykate here.

You need to deal with this by talking honestly.

You are not, in my view being a Domme, rather he is topping you from the bottom. There is nothing wrong with this if it's inherently what you both want. However you clearly suggest you need more. That's the place to start the honest talk.

Very best of luck.

[Deleted Member]

Idk if you’ll agree to hear me say this but, and you may be dominant or think yourself to be, those things you want are submissive things. You may not like the idea, of considering yourself submissive, or the thought of being disrespected or ***d out of ego, but if you want him to lead the way, you want a guy to take charge that’s more of an alpha or dom. If he is truly a say and you truly a domme, you should be leading taking charge giving orders as dommes usually get off on. But if you want that passionate Netflix sex, and denial, you may want a dom in control to have the power to deny you, not a sub.
As for his ED there’s Bluechew pills that apparently do work which will *** an erection. But if he has ED issues either he’s not turned on by you enough or he masturbates too much and that causes problems for sex. It just sounds like, to be honest with respect, a cock eyed relationship. You two want different things and your inner *** that are let out to be wild and explore don’t seem to mesh or at least from what I just read. Just my 2 cents. Good luck & Cheers!

[Deleted Member]

Idk if you’ll agree to hear me say this but, and you may be dominant or think yourself to be, those things you want are submissive things. You may not like the idea, of considering yourself submissive, or the thought of being disrespected or ***d out of ego, but if you want him to lead the way, you want a guy to take charge that’s more of an alpha or dom. If he is truly a sub and you truly a domme, you should be leading taking charge giving orders as dommes usually get off on. But if you want that passionate Netflix sex, and denial, you may want a dom in control to have the power to deny you, not a sub.
As for his ED there’s Bluechew pills that apparently do work which will *** an erection. But if he has ED issues either he’s not turned on by you enough or he masturbates too much and that causes problems for sex. It just sounds like, to be honest with respect, a cock eyed relationship. You two want different things and your inner *** that are let out to be wild and explore don’t seem to mesh or at least from what I just read. Just my 2 cents. Good luck & Cheers!