5 Myths About BDSM Rules, Sex and Relationships

What does it mean to be a kinkster, what you should do, and what you shouldn’t do? Writer Kayla Lords busts the top five myths about BDSM rules and kinky sex.

There are very few BDSM rules when it comes to kinky sex: play safe; get consent; communicate. That’s about it. Everything else comes down to personal preference and style and what works best for you and your partner. Anyone who tells you what “real” D/s or BDSM rules is supposed to be is simply telling you what’s real for them.

There’s no sex in BDSM

Pardon me while I fall on the flooring, laughing and snorting. But I have to be careful because I’ve got a bruise from the kinky sex I had last night. If you don’t want a sexual element to your kinky play, don’t have sex. I’ve been fucked while wearing a bondage harness and I’ve been spanked until I cried with no sex at the end. Sex is like kink: play safe, get consent, and communicate. Fuck or don’t fuck in your kinky play; either one is okay.

If you follow the BDSM rules, you have to have kinky sex

This kinky sex myth is just the reverse of the last one, and it’s equally false. There are plenty of people who love to be bound with bondage rope, flogged, or serve a Dominant or top without having sex. In a club or dungeon, two kinksters will often negotiate a scene, and while (hopefully) both of them leave with a sense of satisfaction, the scene likely didn’t end with sex between them - then or later. They may simply be friends with no sexual relations or near-strangers that wanted to play. Sex isn’t automatic, and it's not in the BDSM rules to have it.

Man with flogger following the BDSM rules
Make your own BDSM rules!

Online Dominance and submission aren’t real

Is playing with a Dom or sub online the same as the live in-person? Of course not. Can two people forge a genuine bond through their internet connection? Absolutely. All that’s required are two people willing to do what they say they will do, be consistent, and keep an open mind. There isn't that much difference in an in-person D/s. Is it always real when it’s online? Sadly, no. Too many posers and idiots are out there trying to get a quick thrill at the expense of a real person’s feelings. But can it be real? Yes, as long as both people work for it and believe in it.

You can’t be kinky if you have kids

Uhhhhh, yes, you can. Hiding your kink already happens - we hide from our ***s, coworkers, and random strangers at Starbucks. Hiding it from our kids might take a little extra effort, but it’s not much different than hiding it from everyone else. Bonus: instead of telling your kids you’re “wrestling” if they catch you having sex, your lie will probably need to be much more creative. “We were playing cops and robbers, kids!” “Don’t tell anyone, but mom’s a superhero!”

D/s is only for loving, sexual relationships

We’re back to sex again. Are we all sex-obsessed? (Probably.) While existing relationships may dip their toes into the D/s waters and discover they’ll never go vanilla again, plenty of kinksters set up D/s relationships with friends that have nothing to do with sex. A gay submissive chooses a woman as his Master. A poly (and married) woman chooses her best friend as her submissive. A submissive hires a Pro-Domme and establishes a long-term agreement. D/s happens in every stripe and colour, and not all of it ends with a marriage proposal or even sex. There are no BDSM rules about loving, sexual relationships and D/s.

Kayla Lords is a freelance writer, sex blogger, and a masochistic babygirl living the 24/7 D/s life.