Qu**** Posted October 30 So I posted this story on vocal plus and it’s gotten like zero attention!!! I’m hoping this community will be kind and help by giving me some constructive feedback. I would greatly appreciate it. Rain taps gently against the windows of my bedroom. I have them cracked open a couple of inches so that I can smell the sweet, crisp rain. It’s the end of summer, when the trees start to change and the days start to cool. I’m tucked in my warm, cozy bed, happily nuzzling into my pillow as I am beginning to slip into ***ness. Just as I feel my lids close, I hear the ding of my phone notification. I should just ignore it, I should just slip quietly back into oblivion, but for some reason, I don’t. I reach for my phone and flinch when the brightness of the screen hits my eyes. I quickly turn the brightness down to a less offensive level and look at my notifications. It’s a text message. “You Awake?” Is all that it says. Two simple words that often lead to the very best kinds of trouble. Suddenly, I’m wide awake, my body leaping at the rush of Oxytocin flooding through my brain. I smirk and type a quick reply. “No.” I chuckle as his reply comes in almost immediately. “Liar.” I bite my lip as I think of something witty to reply. “Prove it.” My breathing stops as I watch him type. “Open your back door.” My heart skips a beat as I jump out of bed and race to my back door. I open it, and there, standing in the dark, casually leaning back against the back porch, is Cassian, my DOM. I burst out of the door and hug him happily. He wraps his strong arms around me and places his face deep in the crook of my neck. “Hey there, baby girl.” He says as he plants little kisses along the curve of my shoulder. I relax into his arms and let him hold the majority of my weight as I focus on the feeling of his lips on my skin. The rain falls gently on us. It’s so dark that it’s hard to make out his features with my eyes, not that it matters; I know every inch of Cassian as he knows every inch of me. All that I have to do is close my eyes, and I can see his beautiful, shaggy blonde hair. I see his piercing green eyes; those eyes can make me do the most deliciously sinful things. He flips us around so that I am pinned between him and the wooden railing of the porch. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, babygirl. I had to have you in my arms.” He murmurs, his hands lacing through my fingers, pinning them to the wet wood. I shudder as a breeze blows through the backyard, causing the water on my skin to chill and send tingles down my spine. My breathing is erratic and desperate, coming in short gasps. His fingers trail across the naked skin exposed by my favorite oversized orange sweater. The one that is full of holes and like four sizes too big. He plays in the raindrops on my skin, tracing my collarbone. My clothes are plastered to my skin, leaving nothing about my curvaceous figure to the imagination. I bite my lip and rack my brain for something, anything intelligent to say. “I want you to take me right here, outside in the rain. I can’t wait, I need you now, Cassian.” I haven’t felt his hands on my body in almost a month, and I am frenzied. Unfortunately, Cassian travels a lot for his job, which means that we don’t get to see each other in person as much as either of us would like. He flips me around so that my front is leaning against the wood and my back is pressed against his front. I shiver as he whispers in my ear. “My poor baby girl’s so needy and desperate for my touch, isn't she?” He takes my breasts in his hands and starts to knead them gently, making me whine and stomp my foot. “What’s wrong, baby girl? Tell me what you want.” I moan and push back against him with my hips. I can feel his thick erection through his wet jeans. I whine, desperately needing the feeling of his hands on my bare skin. His fingers slowly slide down my sides until they reach the bottom hem of my sweater. His warm skin brushes against my naked thighs, playfully sliding closer to my damp panties. He gently brushes against my core, and I curse myself for deciding to wear my panties to bed tonight. “Cassian, please!” I whisper breathily, my chest heaving. He chuckles darkly, and a shiver of anticipation runs down my spine. He tugs at the hem of my sweater, pulling the soaking fabric up over my head, and drops it. I hear the soaked fabric thwap against the wood a few feet away. I’m left exposed, standing in only my soaking wet black cotton panties. My skin tingles as the wind brushes around my wet body, causing my goosebumps to form across my skin. My nipples pucker tightly in the cold night air. Cassian runs his fingertip up my naked thighs, caressing my hips, pulling my body tightly against his. The warmth from his body feels heavenly against my cold skin. “Please, Cassian, take me, I’m yours,” I say fiercely, snapping my fingers around his belt loops and pulling him closer to me, hissing as the wet denim of his jeans rubs against my sensitive skin. “Beg me for it, babygirl.” He growls into my ear, and his fingers crawl up the back of my neck and tangle into my hair, pulling firmly as I moan ***istically. “Please, Cassian, I need you.” I whimper softly. He growls, picking me up; I wrap my legs around his waist, locking my ankles together. He carries me down the stairs and onto the grass. He lays me down gently in the grass, before ripping his t-shirt off and lying down next to me. I roll over on top of him. I can feel every inch of his hard dick through the wet denim jeans. I grind against him hard; the friction feels amazing. He grips my hips and sets a rhythm. I throw my head back, focusing my attention on the feeling of the rain on my skin and the friction of my panties rubbing against my clit. I roll my hips, hissing at the sweet sensation it brings to my body. “Take me, Cassian. I can’t wait any longer. I need you now!” I say breathily. I squeak in surprise as he grabs me tight and flips us over so that his dominating form is above mine. He captures one of my nipples in his mouth, his tongue rolling teasingly across the hard bud. His warm mouth sends a shot of heat straight down to my core. I moan loudly, needing more. His hand fumbles in the dark for his button as he unzips his jeans, struggling to get the clingy, wet fabric off his body. Finally, he’s free, and his member springs forward triumphantly. He releases my nipple with a soft pop. I can barely make out the smirk on his face before he starts kissing his way down my chest, and he nibbles at my stomach. “God, I love your stomach,” He murmurs. I’m glad that it’s night because I can feel my entire body blush bright red in embarrassment. I’ve always been incredibly insecure about the size of my stomach. Since he discovered this, Cassian has gone out of his way to loudly proclaim his love for my somach at any and every opportunity. I close my eyes and focus on the feeling of his soft, warm lips kissing around my stomach, mixed with the cool tingle of the falling raindrops on my skin. I hear the roar of far-off thunder and my heart skips a beat. Cassian continues his journey south, worshiping my thick thighs, peppering them with kisses and playful nips. Once he reaches the very top of my inner thigh, I feel him sucking hard, and I arch my back, praying that he leaves his mark on me. Cassian wraps his arms around my thighs and quickly throws my legs over his shoulders, giving him full access to my very core. I feel butterflies in my stomach as he pulls me closer, burying his nose in me, inhaling deeply. He slowly licks his tongue from the bottom to the top, gently lapping at my clit. A giant shudder runs down my body. “Oh, FUCK ME!” I yell out. Cassian eats at me like a starving man that’s just been handed a feast. He laps at me ferociously, his fingers digging into my behind, pulling me closer still. He sucks at my clit, and the sensation is just too much; I try desperately to inch back away from him, but his strong hands pin me firmly to the soft ground, and I cry out as the orgasm washes intensely over my body, causing me to shake and spasm. I reach out for Cassian weakly, and he crawls on top of me. I jerk, arching my back as his warm, throbbing dick gently bumps against my sensitive core. I hump against him, desperately trying to gain some friction. His warm body covers mine, and I wrap my legs around his waist in an attempt to pull him closer still. He leans close to my ear and huskily whispers: “Oh my sweet baby girl, I am far from done with you.” I whimper, “Please! I want more, I need more. I need you, Cassian!” He chuckles, “You’re so needy and desperate, baby girl, I’m going to fuck you until you can’t even think straight.” He growls fiercely. “Up on your knees, my sweet little needy slut, so that anyone who’s looking out their windows this late sees you for the stunningly beautiful whore that you are, baby girl. I want them to watch your gorgeous tits swing back and forth as I fuck you hard.” His words sent ice through my veins, and until now, I had almost forgotten that we were outside where anyone could see us. I just prayed that the darkness of the night sky and the sounds of the storm would cover our sounds. I eagerly crawl onto my hands and knees. I can feel Cassian behind me as he lines himself up. I hiss as I feel his warm, hard cock slide up and down my soaking wet pussy. My legs tremble before steadying themselves. He slowly slides into me, stretching me deliciously. Once he’s filled me, he stills. “Find something to hold onto, Princess. I am about to fuck you hard.” He says. I brace myself just in time, twisting my fingers through the grass as he slams into me hard. I cry out at the feeling of him filling me to the brink. He grabs my hips and rams into me over and over. I bite my lip, trying not to scream so as not to alert the neighbors. The thought of any of them glancing out their window and seeing me right now sent a dangerously delicious shiver down my spine. I can feel the pleasure building in my body as he tightens his grip on my hips, drilling harder into me. “Play with yourself, baby girl.” He orders his deep velvet voice so stern and serious. When I don’t do it fast enough, he punctuates his demand with a quick, sharp slap to my ass. I gasp as the sting of the impact ricochets through my body. He slaps me again on the other side as well twice in quick succession, one right after the other. I fall to my elbows in desperate need of release. I touch my fingers to my clit and slowly start to circle around it, enjoying the waves of pleasure that are building inside me. I begin to s***d up my circles to the beat of Cassian's thrusting. I could feel the waves starting to overcome me, and my toes curling. “Please, please, Cassian, let me cum!” I beg him loudly. He smacks me sharply on the ass again and pulls my hair. “Please, who?” he growls into my ear. I gasp, my chest heaving. “Please, Master, let me cum!” I whine, needing release. “What a good little slut you are for your master.” He says teasingly. I whine, knowing that he loves to draw my begging out and test my endurance. “Please! Master!” I cry out “Be a good little slut and cum for your Master.” He says, punctuating his sentence with another sharp slap across my ass. Thankfully, even I can’t hear either of our screams over the loud clap of thunder that erupts near us as we both fall into blissful orgasm. The rain starts to fall harder, and the wind begins to pick up. Cassian picks me up and brings me back inside my home. He sets me down on the counter of my bathroom and turns around, turning on the warm water. He works silently and methodically, pulling towels out of the closet, wrapping one gently around my shoulders, and measuring out my favorite lilac bath salts. The bathroom becomes filled with a sweet-smelling floral steam. Casing tests the water with his fingers before gently removing the towel from around my shoulders and placing me into the warm water. He situates us so that we are sitting together, my back against his chest, my head lying back and resting on his broad shoulder. Just like that, I find myself dreaming sweet dreams. The End.
mi**** Posted October 30 I’m not a writer so I have no constructive criticism for u. But thank u for sharing it was a good read
BS**** Posted October 30 The first person doesn’t work. It’s like a recounting of an event and not a telling if a story. I would have written from a “voyeur” point of view, like the story was unfolding in front of me. Stories are all about perspective.
Dyl-8138 Posted October 30 Are you actually serious? First time a woman has a problem on a site like this acting s if you get nothing and THIS is what you post? Have a look at my profile.
jd**** Posted October 30 Write it as if you woke up from the thunder and when you went to the kitchen to grab something to drink. You looked out of your back window and in the neighbors backyard you witnessed all this.
De**** Posted October 31 It’s a bit long and probably including details that seem important to you, the writer, but not necessarily the reader. If your writing it for a lot of BDSM kinksters information on when and how often he works might be overkill. Is it meant to fold into a novel or be a stand alone story. A stand alone story needs interesting details but not a ton of them. Just my take on it.
Ro**** Posted October 31 Reads more like romance than erotica. He should have corrected her use of name/honorary sooner. An oversized orange sweater with holes isn't the most appealing of sleepwear and not even plastered against skin when wet. You emphasize the wetness from the rain a lot, so when you mentioned the panties we don't know if it's from the weather or anticipation. Communication is key in Kink, when he asks "tell me what you want" the nonverbal response isn't good enough, be blatantly specific because her begging pleas are weak. Falling asleep in a bathtub is meh. Have him condition and brush mud out of her hair as they catch up on time apart as their aftercare or fall asleep snuggly in bed It's a good scenario, but you need to work on the "show, not tell"
Th**** Posted October 31 I can't agree that it's too long. I like the details and the fact that the story leaves room for your own imagination. As it’s so often the case, tastes vary. An author cannot please all readers.
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