The True Cost of Submission: When the Spark Dies at 90 Days

[Deleted Member]

In your experience, what are the three most common points where a new D/s dynamic fails between the 3 and 6 month mark, and what specific steps do you take as the Dom to preemptively strengthen those weak points?

[Deleted Member]

Can someone please tell me how this was filed under FemDom & Male Submission? I added this to the main feed as I believe this question helps weed out the casual encounters.

I am female looking for a Dom/s dynamic.

[ey****]

kinda all relationships hit the struggle around 3-6 months after "new relationship energy" wanes.  And you know.  This sucks, but sometimes when it wanes if it doesn't settle you into a relationship or dynamic that works for you both it may be better to just let it go

 

[ba****]

Physical attraction only lasts 3-6 months if there’s nothing else that backs it up. Just how humans are

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, AuraBelle said:

Can someone please tell me how this was filed under FemDom & Male Submission? I added this to the main feed as I believe this question helps weed out the casual encounters.

I am female looking for a Dom/s dynamic.

That's a really solid point, and it's absolutely true that New Relationship Energy (NRE) fades around the 3-6 month mark in any kind of intimate bond. That feeling of things settling is totally normal!

However, the difference between a standard relationship and a D/s dynamic is that the dynamic requires a lot more proactive effort to sustain its specific structure. While it might be okay to "just let it go" in casual dating, an effective Dominant needs to be prepared for the NRE dip by having a clear maintenance plan. The fading excitement needs to be quickly replaced by a stable, trusting structure and habit.

What do you all think? For those who have maintained a dynamic past six months, what's one specific, non-sexual ritual (like scheduled check-ins or boundary reviews) you use to ensure commitment doesn't fade into complacency?

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

kinda all relationships hit the struggle around 3-6 months after "new relationship energy" wanes.  And you know.  This sucks, but sometimes when it wanes if it doesn't settle you into a relationship or dynamic that works for you both it may be better to just let it go

 

That's a really solid point, and it's absolutely true that New Relationship Energy (NRE) fades around the 3-6 month mark in any kind of intimate bond. That feeling of things settling is totally normal!

However, the difference between a standard relationship and a D/s dynamic is that the dynamic requires a lot more proactive effort to sustain its specific structure. While it might be okay to "just let it go" in casual dating, an effective Dominant needs to be prepared for the NRE dip by having a clear maintenance plan. The fading excitement needs to be quickly replaced by a stable, trusting structure and habit.

What do you all think? For those who have maintained a dynamic past six months, what's one specific, non-sexual ritual (like scheduled check-ins or boundary reviews) you use to ensure commitment doesn't fade into complacency?

[We****]

2 hours ago, baybayyy said:

Physical attraction only lasts 3-6 months if there’s nothing else that backs it up. Just how humans are

That is the widely held view of the millennials . However in a true D/s dynamic the physical (attractive portion) element is actually overshadowed by the emotional connection .
Emotional ties are the real strength in a relationship. They remain, and strengthen, as the ‘attractive’ element diminishes over the years ..

Buff bodies and perfect skin tone do not make a sound basis for a long term D/s dynamic… or, for that matter, any relationship destined to last longer than 6 months .

All relationships need regular maintenance. A D/s relationship is no different and with communication, focus and real passion there should be no fade in an Intimate bond

[ey****]

36 minutes ago, Sussexcpl said:

That is the widely held view of the millennials

the first use of the term "honeymoon period" - relating to the phase of happiness, harmony and excitement at the start of the relationship was recorded in 1856.   It's not a new idea.  

 

[Li****]

I think it's fair to say that honeymoon periods are real and do lapse, and that's only natural.

But I do think the prevalence of apps and the illusion of large numbers of options have made us less willing to do the work of building something that lasts - there's always the potential rush of something new nearby. It makes fostering trust and a sense of real bonding harder and that, frankly makes for far worse sex as much as anything else.

Personally, in a new dynamic I've come to view that 3-6 month period as one requiring a little restraint. Don't overindulge in each other, communicate, don't rush towards your most intense fantasies and most of all, pay attention. If you really listen to your sub, they'll reveal the things that arouse or excite them that perhaps they're uneasy being directly open about - especially so early.

Pay attention to their responses, learn what works and what doesn't and then when things start to 'settle' you retain the power to surprise and excite.

[ey****]

13 minutes ago, Life86 said:

But I do think the prevalence of apps and the illusion of large numbers of options have made us less willing to do the work of building something that lasts - there's always the potential rush of something new nearby.

I feel that can be an issue.  

Though whether this is a good or a bad thing is dependent on context.   Like I remember a Dominant on here who had mentioned he'd had something like 8 subs in 4 years so, assuming he was in constant relationships then the average length was 6 months. I once quizzed him on this and he said something like the subs were content with the relationship and while of course, it's sad a relationship ends - that there was always someone else.    I guess, it obviously sucks if you're only treat as a short term option.  It also sucks if you feel like you're being played-off (which is something I feel men with 'options' can be more guilty of - women are less likely to tolerate this if they feel they're an "option") but I guess one fundamental shift is there's less... necessity... to be in a long term relationship.

We've past the line in history where women need their partners permission to have a bank account, are viewed less favourably for credit and so on so forth.... there was a long period where relationships kinda had to work through survival if nothing else. 

 

 I think with this it is something I think it's important to be aware of, but also not something to place pressure on yourself (or the other person) to *make* last.  Enjoy the relationship for what it is, not for what it might be.   When you do start to get thoughts that it could be long term there's still two people to consider. How does this benefit them? How does this benefit YOU?  Because if you're going to bend over backwards to *make* something work you're ultimately delaying the inevitable and have potential to breed resentment.

If you make long term promises, keep them.  Because in themselves they can be a hook, but if it's one you can't or won't fulfill then even if it's understandable, it can make the other person feel baited.  

I guess another issue is some folk end up overly pushing themselves early in a relationship to make a good impression and one big problem is that this is often unsustainable.   Like, it's natural that getting into a relationship that "date nights" and "play dates" and weekend breaks etc will become less prevalent - but it's always important to not eliminate them completely.  But, to make things last, you have to also be aware these will becomes less common as you settle in.

[Deleted Member]

I think a lot of it has to do with a combination of NRE, as others have said, but also frenzy. I know that when I was new to the BDSM community I moved way too quickly in getting into relationships and dynamics that weren’t right for me and it took 3-6 months to figure a lot of that out. These days I tend to be a lot more measured in how I approach new potential dynamics and am quite slow to bring up a 24/7 dynamic or a collar. As a result my relationships have been lasting much longer.

For context I’m polyamorous, so I tend to have multiple dynamics and relationships simultaneously, and my dynamics are anywhere from 1 to 8 years atm.

[we****]

Re: proactive, I think that’s key, and something that’s missing. When felt into Aura’s question, what i got is if we want to have a great relationship, we have to create it, keep it stoked, fired

What I see is that people get most of what they want, feel a sense of relief, and don’t risk rocking the boat to authentically sexpress (I’m keeping the typo) themselves to take the relationship to the next level.

For some reason with this one person I’m talking with, I’m reminded of an analogy; we can all talk about “riding a bike” and we can relate about it, but for some people, that meals dirt roads and 10’ ramps, and for others it means they can get to the bodega and back.

If you both say you want a biking partner, make sure you’re really talking about the same kind of biking.

Anyway, the kind of biking I imagine working is one where the needs of the “relationship” are addressed regularly, and both people express some energetic care for it, if not outright action.

At least in BDSM relationships, we find out quickly if there’s real comparability, and can move on faster.

End rant