What did I do wrong?

[my****]

Sounds like he is a very inexperienced dom. Like every one says trust is key i am.dom my self but you must have clear communication anf trust him pushing like thay shows inexperience and like someone that just wants sex

[ch****]

There are a few errors I can see within your description also a few areas where you were too vague when a bit more specifics were needed. Remember his perspective and also yours. He is in fact an old friend. He may be assuming his previously earned trust is sufficient. Was he a good friend in the past? Was he trust worthy in the past? Has the time that passed changed that level of trust?

Also within the conversation and catching up were there topics told in confidence that would compound his perception of earned trust on either of your sides? Did you make it clear to the old friend that you do not trust him enough as of right now?

From my perspective you both were looking at the same ball from different perspectives based on the differing interpretations of trust. Also how men and women interpret what trust is and how it is earned. If you want him to earn your trust then you need to directly communicate how it is earned.

What in clear words was the boundary you set in place that he did not honor?

[Le****]

It's not your fault.
Swipe left, and... that's it.🤷

[cl****]

He doesn’t understand personal boundaries plan and simple

[Deleted Member]

Okay , what sounds like is happening. Here is your friend thought himself. Some d*** daddy, thanks. He knows the dynamic and wanted to press you into the scenario. He's not really a dumb. He's just a bossy, selfish grouchy child that just learned. He couldn't get his way though he's throwing a tantrum. Basically, he's a submissive brat. Who's not getting his way and he's upset about getting his way for you being his dumb so. He's ghosting.
Because I really because a real Dom doesn't demand things from you that you're not comfortable with and they won't throw you into a dynamic.
And for all those grammar nazis and internet warriors. I'm using texts to talk, so if anything is spelled wrong? That's the software is full i'm driving

[Wi****]

I wouldn’t worry about it

[Se****]

From what I’ve read you didn’t do anything wrong - he thought he was going to be able to get what he wanted by using “titles”, you (VERY SENSIBLY) held a boundary, he threw a hissy fit.

Let him ghost you, as much as it hurts and you probably don’t want him too. He’s showing his true colours and better to see them now than further down the line. If he can’t/wont communicate he’s inherently unsafe and you’re well off out of the situation.

I genuinely don’t mean that to sound harsh, I’ve been through it enough times to know it’s ***ful but also better in the long run.

I’ve not read all the comments but I did see one re a foundation from school - this is NOT a foundation, you’ve not known him for longer than you knew him and will both be very different now. You are wholly right in needing to feel safe and to be able to trust before any dynamic.

[Ho****]

It sounds like he got his ego hurt maybe. Regardless, ghosting isn't punishment. It's immature and a huge 🚩

[Th****]

He didnt actually understand what it meant to be domme. I recently learned that to bring the feminine and submissive out of a woman you have to bring the masculine. He didnt know how to do it so he stopped texting. I did that quite a but before I realized what masculine and feminine intrinsically meant

[sl****]

Well rhay he kept pushing you that tells me hes not the good type for you. Even if the guy is a Dom there's always respect and boundaries that need to be followed. And if he can't accept that then that tells me he might be abusive guy later down the road, meaning if you don't go by what he says he will get upset tell you do.

Boundaries in space is important.

[Ro****]

Nothing happened to be real. He just don't want to accept your boundaries and now playing mind games with you. It's up to you to either wait and see what happens if he comes back (he still not going to respect your boundaries that you have set) or just move on with life.

[Deleted Member]

Everybody speaks about build trust and confidence. Then it needs the consent part. It needs time. How many years did you know him before and already knowing his secrets?

[sl****]

His wife probably found out, if he ghost you to you he ain't nothing to even give a second thought to life's too Short don't sit around and wait for somebody else to make you happy you know what makes you happy go out there and get a girl

[de****]

Move on, submission is earned not demanded

[Si****]

You've done nothing wrong, I suggest not overthinking it & doubting yourself, you did what was right for YOU! If he doesn't or can't respect that boundary then HE has a lot of learning to do.

I might go as far to say his actions & lack of respect show his true colors. Best advice I've ever gotten, "When people show you their true colors, BELIEVE them"

Holding your boundary shows YOUR inner strength & you should be proud of that. Do not chase him, that will only make you appear weak to him & then he will attempt to push your boundaries again & again, then you've set that as acceptable, which will only turn into more toxic behavior on his part. Respect yourself & protect your inner peace.

If he can't respect your needs, wishes etc then he's no Dom at all, he's a fake using the lifestyle as a way to get what he wants & that's not a real Dom at all, that's ***.

Stay strong & keep your head held high, know your worth & what you bring to the table.

The biggest mistake anyone can make in any dynamic is to assume another's role, rather than learn from that person.

[Mo****]

Oppositions and others are usually what steals attention away. Make him one of many, try not to stew because you'll end up playing the what ifs in your head.

[ch****]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet twice 25 years later even

[Ja****]

Guys like that hear that a woman is submissive and assume that they'll give into every desire he has, fake doms like him are way to common, and as soon as they meet any resistance they bounce, too scared to me shown the truth

[CopperKnob]

The guys watched too much Disney/romcoms, no one waits 25+yrs to act on their feelings/wants etc. He failed to share his interest in you previously and saw an opportunity to do so once you reconnected. Neither of you are the same people you were a year ago let alone 25+
.
He's then disclosed his interest for a D/s relationship and seen another opportunity once you've shared your thoughts about yourself.
.
In all likelihood he's had his ego hurt by your certainty in your own boundaries and is kicking his imaginary wounds rather missing out on a friendship because he can't have what he wants.
.
From your explanation, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

[ch****]

Also how long has it been now since he last communicated with you?

[Do****]

I've found that a lot of the Doms on here can only handle us strong women when we're in a sub headspace. They can't really engage with us until we submit to them. It's so frustrating because they want immediate submission without doing necessary work to earn it. We have to be assertive in our vanilla life and they can be so fragile in theirs. It's exhausting to try and find someone that can see you as a full human first and a play partner second.

[Ka****]

If he can't respect your boundaries that isn't a healthy foundation to build a relationship on anyway. I would just move on. Next!

[bl****]

Or he's just not that into you. Find someone who is.

[li****]

6 hours ago, chivalrous219 said:

There are a few errors I can see within your description also a few areas where you were too vague when a bit more specifics were needed. Remember his perspective and also yours. He is in fact an old friend. He may be assuming his previously earned trust is sufficient. Was he a good friend in the past? Was he trust worthy in the past? Has the time that passed changed that level of trust?

Also within the conversation and catching up were there topics told in confidence that would compound his perception of earned trust on either of your sides? Did you make it clear to the old friend that you do not trust him enough as of right now?

From my perspective you both were looking at the same ball from different perspectives based on the differing interpretations of trust. Also how men and women interpret what trust is and how it is earned. If you want him to earn your trust then you need to directly communicate how it is earned.

What in clear words was the boundary you set in place that he did not honor?

I wasn't trying to put all of our business out there nor was i trying to write an entire book. Friends may have been a reach. We were more like acquaintances. We went to school together throughout though he was a year ahead of me. We ran in different circles but crossed paths on several occasions and we were a part of the same school organization. We never hung out one on one or had long deep conversations back then so truly I never knew him like that. And it has been over 25 years since I've seen him so whether he is to be trusted has yet to be seen. The catching up was superficial at best. No deep convos or topics. I am always clear with my communications. Even said that if he were to earn and keep my trust I'd be willing to give him whatever he desired. He replied "thanks hun" and that was the last I heard from him well over 24 hours ago. Prior to that he was quick to respond and openly communicated well.

[li****]

2 hours ago, RopeLamb said:

I've found that a lot of the Doms on here can only handle us strong women when we're in a sub headspace. They can't really engage with us until we submit to them. It's so frustrating because they want immediate submission without doing necessary work to earn it. We have to be assertive in our vanilla life and they can be so fragile in theirs. It's exhausting to try and find someone that can see you as a full human first and a play partner second.

Yes! That! All of that!