Busy Means Busy - Right?

[Ma****]

So I recently met a submissive on here and she checked a lot of boxes and we clicked right away. Upfront I was clear about my personal time being very limited and that my kids were first priority and this sub seemed to be okay with it as she too still had young ones at home that she would need to care for. After a few days of chatting here and then texting directly we decided to meet for a drink.

Well when we met we hit it off instantly and it was very comfortable and easy for us to discuss a lot of different things including availability to each other given my work schedule and my personal time making it difficult to have consistent physical connections. The night ended in the parking lot with her having multiple orgasms, squirting so much she had to remove her pants and panties in order to drive home.

Fast forward one day after our first meeting. I had told her that I had to go out of town for two nights and would be back and could plan something for when we both kid free. While on my business trip I had some meetings cancel and I was coming home, and to surprise her I called and told her I was coming home early and would love to stop by and continue where we left off the other night. She was excited and agreed, however on my way home I had my daughter wanting to come stay the night as she was having a difficult time with her mom and agreed. Why did I agree cause my kids come first and I made that very clear to which this sub agreed to as well. I informed the sub immediately that I was not going to make it but we would stick with the or plans of meeting when we were both kid free. She said she understood and agreed.

During the next two days she seemed to be upset that I wasn’t available enough for her and she just ended it. Am I wrong in this situation?

[ki****]

Yes.

[Sh****]

No you are not wrong.

[bi****]

Yes, I'd say you are. Not because of being busy but the "yes, no, no" approach that changes too often. I'd imagine the sub was thinking you're not serious about the relationship or that they came too far down the list that you weren't being reliable. Subs need reliability, so if you say you will do something it would have to be exceptional (and rare) to cancel.

So it sounds like those guys who only want to be friends, when they feel like it. The truth is irrelevant when it comes ot perception, you havn't got enough of a record with this person to be seen otherwise. If you want this to be repaired, you'll have to go out of your way to prove it.

[Da****]

No. You both agreed, kids first.

[In****]

See i would have reacted like her too. The constant changes. The fact you've then got excited cos you've suddenly said you can meet up and then dropped her again. She got her hopes up and you dropped her. She's hurt. She doesn't want that again hence she ended it.

I get kids would come first. But there's better ways that could have been dealt with.

[Ma****]

Well it was the first and only time that I had to cancel so your theory in this case is not valid.

[Deleted Member]

Direct honesty, without empathy, is conflicting. It’s okay to be direct, but it seems like you want her to just be okay with when you want to use her (and not her needs for connection and stability). It might be better to state you’re looking for NSA and someone flexible. Plus, this lifestyle can make people feel *** and used, even with good intentions.

[Bo****]

Never let a new partner take priority over your kids. A truly caring or understanding person will never be upset about your responsibilities to your ***.

[Deleted Member]

You’re over-thinking. I’m willing to bet whatever the issue is, it’s probably not you. And if it is, who cares? Be yourself & don’t stress it:

[th****]

4 hours ago, kickpuncher said:

Yes.

Why do you think he was wrong?

[ey****]

on paper your perspective is fine and I could see why you (or others) might feel you did nothing wrong

from her perspective you made plans at short notice, which likely had her moving things around so she could see you, and then you changed plans.  That if nothing else that is going to have a rush and a drop, and this might be something to understand

I think you both will have challenges with one or the other needing to change plans due to family situation - but I think it was the short term rush and pull that disappointed her, and perhaps the thing you have wrong is not quite grasping that, even if it was beyond your control 

[De****]

I’m not into casual play, personally, but subs need a dependent Dom. That means do what you say you are going to do. If this is happening already early on, she has every reason to assume you are going to wishy washy and not want to waste her time.

[wa****]

Yes

[Mo****]

I think she considered that as you are serious dom with her ! Open communication is vital and also- not rushing things ! Taking your time - ensure that you have the time you need with her - as much as she is your sub as much as she have a life also and she need to arrange her time and responsibilities! A frank clear conversation will clear things up ! But I always advise to take things easy and be sure and availability about the time you need to spend with your sub-

[De****]

7 hours ago, seanamcclaryatgmale said:

Well it was the first and only time that I had to cancel so your theory in this case is not valid.

I think she was also referring to the last minute “oh I can see you” as one of the changes. You asked for opinions of others, no need to be hostile if you get one you don’t like.

[Ma****]

@DenverBunny the last minute change happened within 30 min of telling her I could meet and I wasn’t being hostile in my response and if it comes off that way not my intention.

[Co****]

It’s one thing to agree that kids come first, but if that is your plan, you should have checked with your kids before making plans with her. Getting her hopes up, having her decide that she was available to meet despite her commitments, and then switching out at the last minute is jarring - especially early in the relationship when you don’t have a solid attachment and solid track record. Her decision is not surprising.

[si****]

As both a parent and as a submissive who has been on both ends of the scale (last minute calls from kids and the D type having to cancel last minute). The fact that from the beginning you had said that your kids come first (as they should). I would actually be more inclined to pull back if you didn’t cancel on me for the sake of your daughter. Because 1) having put the line in the sand. If you then chose me first. You are going against your own rules and words. So what other things may you decide to go back on? And let’s face it. Some practices in the lifestyle can have risks that could change the course of our lives. So trust is a major factor. So by sticking to your predetermined rule. You are showing that the rules outlined are important and won’t be broken

[Ma****]

You are not wrong, but she is in some sense right as well. She found time to make for you. You teased her with time and pulled it away at the last minute. I get that life happens, but sometimes you have to make time for someone else. Our kids obviously come first, but that does not make our subs our playthings to upset their lives.

[Pe****]

Are you in the wrong? No, but yes.
.
No, because you both agreed your *** come first, so TECHNICALLY you did nothing wrong.
.
Yes, because the contract of the relationship doesn't change how emotions play a part. It seems like she was okay with being made to wait until you had time for her, but not to be dropped for any reason after you've already made a commitment to her.
.
Imagine you're her. You had a great time with a guy, and you're eager to see him again. You know he's a busy man, so you want to be at your best and not make him wait for you when he says he has time. He tells you he wants to see you TONIGHT. Your heart starts to race with excitement as you rush to have a quick 10 minute shower to freshen up. You pick an outfit you think he'll like and start dolling yourself up. You're halfway through your make-up when your phone goes off. It's him again, but he's canceling. You look at yourself in the mirror, your unfinished make-up, your wasted effort, and you've nothing to do but wipe it off and change out of your nice clothes as your heart sinks. You waited, he asked for you, but you still got pushed aside with barely a thought. Do you want to be a toy to be played with or tossed aside without ever being able to know what's going to happen or when? Do you deserve to be valued and only be pushed aside for prior commitments and emergencies?
.
"I'm mad at mommy" does not come off as a strong reason to drop everything. If you and the mother were together, would you rent a hotel room so your daughter didn't have to stay at the house? No. Having tough times with family is just part of life. Learning to control her emotions is an important life skill. She could have to stay at her mother's, wait until after your date then come over if she's still upset, or stay at your place while you go on your date (assuming she's old enough or you could get a sitter). By no means am I trying to tell you how to raise your kid or saying you're wrong to make them a main priority. I'm just trying to examine other ideas with the limited information you've provided.

[fr****]

I don't feel you were wrong. And she wasn't wrong either. Seems like she wants a Dom on her time and she got a lil brat in her or she was wanting more . So maybe it isn't the best fit and that's okay.

[OB****]

I don’t think you’re wrong at all.
I share custody of my kid with his mum and his needs absolutely come before mine or any third party. Adulting is difficult full stop. Parenting is a part of adulting that has the capacity to fully ruin your social life and any sub (or Dom - cos the roles are often reserved) that puts themselves ahead of a partner’s kids needs to touch grass and pull their big girl/boy pants up.
As long as you communicate and show willingness to reschedule - you should not be made to feel guilty for parenting your child. Full stop.

[th****]

15 hours ago, seanamcclaryatgmale said:

@DenverBunny the last minute change happened within 30 min of telling her I could meet and I wasn’t being hostile in my response and if it comes off that way not my intention.

If this was a 30 minute later response, the question really became could your daughter have waited after all you did make an appointment to be with the sub. And flip-flopping can definitely frustrate somebody. Especially somebody you've just met. In one respect I understand fully family first but it depends on what the situation is. If Daddy I got a hangnail and I need you clip it for me that can wait. But Daddy my car broke down and I'm in the middle of nowhere can you come get me, that's a little bit more important. But then that should have been explained and then you should have just said can we meet an hour later. It really comes down to what the situation is and how to handle it. I'm with you on family first, but I also understand other people had expectations set by you to be fulfilled.

[th****]

Kids and family always come first. Pleasure and *** come second. If you can’t see to understand that then priorities need to be checked.