(What I Think It Means) To Be Polyamorous

[Deleted Member]

Technically I wrote this for my friend @Bounty, as she has been experiencing conflicting emotions, but I hope that this helps others too. A lot of people seem to struggle to understand the concept of having multiple partners, but while I am no expert, I would like to impart my own knowledge and opinions on those who wish to listen. I hope that maybe it clarifies some points.

 

Going straight to the basics

 

I took this directly from Google:

 

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".

 

Some say that polyamory is a bastardised word because it comes from two different languages, and instead they use the word polygamy, which is derived only from Greek. At first I appreciated this, but I did a bit of research and it turns out that polygamy is specifically about ; having more than one spouse. Knowing this, I think that “multiple *lovers*” is more relevant to this post, hence the title.

 

What is it like to have one partner?

 

Before I think about multiple partners, I would like to think about what it is like to be with only one. Of course everyone is unique, people have different values, so there are going to be many perspectives of how it feels to be committed to one person.

 

We are all individuals, though I am also a believer that we are all connected, to an extent. As individuals we have the ability to be independent. We are capable of doing things on our own, making our own decisions, doing the things that we want to do. There are plenty of opportunities to engage in shared interests, doing things with our partners to strengthen our bonds, but we do not have to spend every waking moment together. Yes, I would love nothing more than to indulge in copious amounts of time with a beautiful woman, but I also love my alone time.

 

Being in a relationship does not mean that you are trapped. I have noticed that too many people seem to think of a relationship as a burden, a constriction of what we can do. I am not saying that you do not have to spend any time with them at all (you are committed to them presumably because you enjoy their company), but you are not obliged to spend all day, every day with them.

 

What is it like to have more than one partner?

 

One of the most common reasons that I have heard from polyamorous people, is that they enjoy the freedom. This post is based on my opinions, not facts, so I am not going to say that these people are wrong; I just disagree with their reasoning.

 

If freedom is lost in having one individual relationship, how can adding more individual relationships gain freedom? Surely you would lose even more? I think freedom is not something that can be lost, when in a healthy relationship.

 

Types of polyamory

 

There are many different types of relationship, and there are many different types of *polyamorous* relationship. The most common type of polyamory is a threesome, which is an astoundingly common fantasy among both men and women. Among many men, is the fantasy of having a harem.

 

Just the same as having friendships, family relations, and romantic partners; there are those who like to have relationships of a purely sexual nature (i.e. friends with benefits). There are also those who like to have multiple romantic relationships. I personally am keen on the idea of being in a romantic relationship with two women; both of whom love each other as well as myself.

 

There are women who enjoy the fantasy of being with another man (or a woman), and with the consent of the husband or boyfriend this is known as cuckolding. There are even men who love the idea of watching another man please their wife while they watch; also cuckolding.

 

Further to that, someone might have a fantasy unshared by their partner, and a mutual agreement can allow them to exercise that fantasy with another lover. All of these are just examples, and I am sure there are plenty more possibilities that would fit the concept of polyamory.

 

No excuse for cheating

 

As detailed in the definition above, polyamory is also known as *Consensual* Non-Monogamy. The concept of openly, willingly sharing a lover. All those who are involved in this type of lifestyle are aware of each other. Not necessarily with personal connection or acquaintance, but they are aware that there are others in their lover’s life, and they give their consent. Hiding other partners, or simply omitting knowledge of their existence, is not polyamory.

 

This concept is not for everyone

 

We all have our own preferences, tastes, and opinions. Polyamory is no different. Some people love the idea and others hate it. More often than not, you will hear the reasoning that one person cannot possibly love multiple people equally. This is an opinion, not fact, because only the person in question can truly know how much they love anyone.

 

All I will say is that a parent can love their child in equal amount to their spouse. These are two different types of love, yes, but the strength of that love can be the same. Surely, then, it is possible to have that same amount of devotion for more than one relationship of the same nature? It is true for a parent of multiple children, so why not between multiple consenting lovers?

 

Freedom

 

Commitment does not mean you are “tied down”, it means you are emotionally connected. It is nice to let your partner know that you are safe, where you are, what you are up to, but a person should be able to get on with their day without constantly checking in. This is the same, no matter how many partners a person has. Having a relationship, if anything, can be even more freeing, but that is more about Dominant/Submissive lifestyles, than polyamory.

 

To be or not to be; polyamorous

 

After having read my thoughts, I hope that you can decide more easily, whether or not you are “poly”. It is not about having the freedom of choice when it comes to lovers, because freedom should not be lost if one’s relationships are healthy. Polyamory is about having the ability to connect intimately with more than one person. It is about being able to satisfy oneself emotionally/sexually, without feeling the guilt of being unfaithful. Neither is it always about sex, but merely sharing this same type of love with multiple partners. You can belong to as many people as you want, so long as all participants are consensual, or you can choose to not belong to anyone at all.

[Wo****]

I'm gonna try and explain why I'm poly.

I now know that I don't choose to be poly. I am poly.

I love three men right now. Equally but differently.

I don't want a partner. I don't wanna live with anyone. I love easily, deeply, and hard. That's what I do.

I don't want to spend all of my tome with one person. I can't.

 

VoyagerX gives me something Pirate and Fooz don't, can't. Pirate gives me something different to VoyagerX and Fooz. Fooz gave me something different to Pirate and VoyagerX. They all get some thing different from me.

I'm not, nor ever was, actively looking for multiple partners. I just happened to fall in love with them. 

 

Being poly is different to being ethically mono. It involves love.

 

Added... I don't belong to anyone, won't. But I do love more than one person. And I'm free. And poly.

Edited July 20, 2020 by Bounty
Added to

[Deleted Member]

This is a subject I've wrestled with much the last few months. There have been a couple of ladies who really interested me but they were both poly and I couldn't at this point in my life see myself emotionally attached to more than one. In some ways it's a case for me of "cutting my nose off to spite my face" yet what choice did I have? Maybe in the future but not right now. Non mono though, that's something else entirely.

Edited July 20, 2020 by Deleted Member
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[Deleted Member]

If you had a partner who could fulfill your kinky desires and your main partner was ok with that, would that satisfy you?

[Deleted Member]

On 7/20/2020 at 4:01 PM, Betterin60s said:

If you had a partner who could fulfill your kinky desires and your main partner was ok with that, would that satisfy you?

Hi I'm.not sure if your asking me but I will answer. I could sexually be involved with more than one yes and as such could happily let my partner do the same but only same room fun. I would class myself as emotionally mono but sexually non mono if that makes sense 

[Deleted Member]

Actually that makes perfect sense and same room does make it more comfortable and maybe acceptable for me. I find my primary partner is not as open as I am to explore and might be open to another partner to help me

[Deleted Member]

Care to share your sexual desires? I’ll be happy to share mine

[Deleted Member]

PM me if you’d be more comfortable

[Wo****]

1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said:

Hi I'm.not sure if your asking me but I will answer. I could sexually be involved with more than one yes and as such could happily let my partner do the same but only same room fun. I would class myself as emotionally mono but sexually non mono if that makes sense 

Ethically non mono.

 

See, this is what I'm getting at.

Being poly, for me, means loving more than one person.

Ethically non mono is enjoying sex, or play, with more than one person but only loving one.

Poly.... many loves.

Non mono isn't poly.

 

Just my thoughts x

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, Bounty said:

Ethically non mono.

 

See, this is what I'm getting at.

Being poly, for me, means loving more than one person.

Ethically non mono is enjoying sex, or play, with more than one person but only loving one.

Poly.... many loves.

Non mono isn't poly.

 

Just my thoughts x

Non mono is something I've been all my life without even knowing. I just couldn't share my emotions with more than one 😊

[Wo****]

5 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

Non mono is something I've been all my life without even knowing. I just couldn't share my emotions with more than one 😊

I'm the other way round...

Been poly all my life, just didn't realise it.

[Deleted Member]

On 7/20/2020 at 5:35 PM, Bounty said:

I'm the other way round...

Been poly all my life, just didn't realise it.

Yep totally get that. As you know I run on emotion so one is more than enough(today) for me. That could change however 

[Wo****]

37 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

Yep totally get that. As you know I run on emotion so one is more than enough(today) for me. That could change however 

Uh huh, I get it..

That said, perversely I think I'm poly because I feel so much emotion.

[Deleted Member]

Since I'm viewing sexual acts in the same manner as e.g. playing videogames, I'm fine with open relationships. However, I'm not polyamorous, since romance is a private connection for me, and one person is just enough for that.

But in case of sexual fun, it's just a play, me or my partner can play with anyone.

 

I also have a play partner who is polyamorous, and states that her boyfriend doesn't do roleplays, which I regularly provide. I just hope she won't develop deeper feelings, since in the poly case, being taken isn't much of a barrier. But I think we're ok, as she plays with a virtual avatar of mine, instead of me as a person.

[VoyagerX]

Hi guys, I've listened with interest and this is my first post here on the forum.

It seems to me that falling in love isn't something we as people can control....other than avoiding contact with the person we're developing deep feelings for. You can't *** yourself to love someone any more than you can *** yourself not to. 

I think many people in vanilla, mono relationships, just stick with it and all it's associated frustrations precisely because they're afraid of there partners falling in love with someone else and/or preferring them sexually. So for them it remains an either/or scenario.

You could argue that having more than one sexual partner may increase the chances of falling in love with someone else....but it could just as easily happen over the coffee machine at work. And for mono relationships that's usually the kiss of death.

To me, freedom means just that. Freedom to express yourself sexually and emotionally should you choose to do so. 

At the moment I'm in love with only one woman but I wouldn't deny myself the freedom to love another too if it ever happened. 

Bounty is an extraordinary person who loves freely and it's a wonderful part of our dynamic. It doesn't weaken our relationship but rather strengthens it. I love the fact she is free to fulfill herself both sexually AND emotionally. She is as free as a bird...and that guys....makes me very, very happy X

 

 

 

 

[Jinxy]

This is one of those topics where I’m not quite sure where I land yet. I love the explanations everyone has provided on this thread though as it helps give me a clearer understanding of what it involves. 
 

My one sticking point that I keep coming back to when thinking through this topic is the issue of jealousy. How are people able to overcome this in wanting a poly relationship but coming from a mono mindset? Not sure if that makes sense...

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, VoyagerX said:

Hi guys, I've listened with interest and this is my first post here on the forum.

It seems to me that falling in love isn't something we as people can control....other than avoiding contact with the person we're developing deep feelings for. You can't *** yourself to love someone any more than you can *** yourself not to. 

I think many people in vanilla, mono relationships, just stick with it and all it's associated frustrations precisely because they're afraid of there partners falling in love with someone else and/or preferring them sexually. So for them it remains an either/or scenario.

You could argue that having more than one sexual partner may increase the chances of falling in love with someone else....but it could just as easily happen over the coffee machine at work. And for mono relationships that's usually the kiss of death.

To me, freedom means just that. Freedom to express yourself sexually and emotionally should you choose to do so. 

At the moment I'm in love with only one woman but I wouldn't deny myself the freedom to love another too if it ever happened. 

Bounty is an extraordinary person who loves freely and it's a wonderful part of our dynamic. It doesn't weaken our relationship but rather strengthens it. I love the fact she is free to fulfill herself both sexually AND emotionally. She is as free as a bird...and that guys....makes me very, very happy X

 

 

 

 

Welcome to the forum 😁. It’s really lovely to hear both sides of it from you and Bounty.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Jinxy said:

This is one of those topics where I’m not quite sure where I land yet. I love the explanations everyone has provided on this thread though as it helps give me a clearer understanding of what it involves. 
 

My one sticking point that I keep coming back to when thinking through this topic is the issue of jealousy. How are people able to overcome this in wanting a poly relationship but coming from a mono mindset? Not sure if that makes sense...

Not sure where I land either. And whilst I’ve been sexually non-mono for a year or so, I haven’t loved. I did read about jealousy is to be very sure that’s what it is - sometimes we ascribe that to other emotions. It’s not something I’ve experienced so far.

[VoyagerX]

It makes perfect sense Jinky....but you've kind of answered your own question there. Jealousy restricts your freedom and the freedom of others and I believe it's grounded in the *** of 'loosing' your partner. It may also have it's roots in the way all ***s have evolved to ensure they're rearing only there young ensuring the continuation of the male gene. That's only speculation but it may explain why jealousy is such a powerful yet defunct emotion. 

It's completely natural to feel jealous but it's also easy to see that it's a throwback and counter productive to our modern sensibilities and way of life. I think we all know how difficult it is to be totally monogamous and it makes you wonder just how many relationships fail because of it.

Your no more likely to 'loose' your partner in a poly relationship than a mono one. In fact in my view your more likely to 'loose' your partner in a mono relationship because in effect your saying "I own your sexuality and your emotions....it's either me or him/her".

It's equally ridiculous to say "yes you can have sex with other people but you're not allowed to fall in love with them". As if saying they can't would make any difference anyway. If it's going to happen...it's going to happen, whether you're poly or not. And again you're forcing them to make an either/or decision.

Overcoming jealousy isn't an easy thing to do....but it's not difficult either if that makes sense? Once you've thrown out this redundant emotion it becomes surprisingly liberating and fulfilling and easy. It does require trust though and complete and full disclosure, respect and honesty. Being poly doesn't mean going out for dinner and your partner decides to bugger off with a member of staff! Well....not unless you've discussed it beforehand anyway! It requires complete trust and respect and being ploy only deepens and strengthens all aspects of a loving relationship. You never have to lie or hide your true feelings and desires ever again. And on top of all that don't forget.....it's so much fun!

 

 

[ey****]

I missed a lot of posts - but

a friend of mine who, when he entered a Poly relationship and came to terms a bit, described it as "instead of being everything to someone, you can be something to many people" which I think is an angle.

[Deleted Member]

10 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I missed a lot of posts - but

a friend of mine who, when he entered a Poly relationship and came to terms a bit, described it as "instead of being everything to someone, you can be something to many people" which I think is an angle.

I really like that... i say to my connections "share or get none" ..... i like your friends description better though 🔥 anyone who knows me intimately knows I will not allow me to be someone's everything,  its too restrictive and pressured for me 🔥 and ultimately someone will get hurt which I always seek to minimise and avoid

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, VoyagerX said:

Hi guys, I've listened with interest and this is my first post here on the forum.

It seems to me that falling in love isn't something we as people can control....other than avoiding contact with the person we're developing deep feelings for. You can't *** yourself to love someone any more than you can *** yourself not to. 

I think many people in vanilla, mono relationships, just stick with it and all it's associated frustrations precisely because they're afraid of there partners falling in love with someone else and/or preferring them sexually. So for them it remains an either/or scenario.

You could argue that having more than one sexual partner may increase the chances of falling in love with someone else....but it could just as easily happen over the coffee machine at work. And for mono relationships that's usually the kiss of death.

To me, freedom means just that. Freedom to express yourself sexually and emotionally should you choose to do so. 

At the moment I'm in love with only one woman but I wouldn't deny myself the freedom to love another too if it ever happened. 

Bounty is an extraordinary person who loves freely and it's a wonderful part of our dynamic. It doesn't weaken our relationship but rather strengthens it. I love the fact she is free to fulfill herself both sexually AND emotionally. She is as free as a bird...and that guys....makes me very, very happy X

 

 

 

 

this is a beautiful comment and a real testament to your relationship ❤ 

[helenOfToy]

30 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I missed a lot of posts - but

a friend of mine who, when he entered a Poly relationship and came to terms a bit, described it as "instead of being everything to someone, you can be something to many people" which I think is an angle.

Totally agree with that. Trying to find one person who is perfect in every conceivable way is a very difficult thing. Of course it does happen, but sadly often, there is something missing. And even if you find that one perfect partner now, people change, will they still be perfect 5 or 10 years from now when both your needs have changed?

[Deleted Member]

I don’t see it as one person can’t meet all my needs, I see it as I’ve got the capacity to connect and perhaps love more than one person. I know I can connect sexually and emotionally with several men at the same time, but romantically is something else.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, Curvykate said:

I don’t see it as one person can’t meet all my needs, I see it as I’ve got the capacity to connect and perhaps love more than one person. I know I can connect sexually and emotionally with several men at the same time, but romantically is something else.

The acknowledgement and separation and naming of different feelings/ experiences is something I'm really relishing at the moment,  its a brilliant and a real journey of exploration and adventure 🔥