Unpopular Opinion on a Popular Opinion.

[Deleted Member]

The Topic: Does the Submissive hold all the power in the relationship?

Popular Opinion: Yes.

My Opinion: No.

Why?
It's called Power EXCHANGE. The ONLY power in a D/s relationship of any level, any style, is to say yes or no. Period. End of story.

Doms can and should have their own boundaries and should be able to say, "no, I am not going to do that." Or, "no, that behavior is unacceptable to me." To STOP A Scene if they are uncomfortable or have concerns. As should subs.

In the end, no matter how intense your relationship. How dedicated you are, it's still all just Role Play. That's why it's called "play" and "a Scene".
If a Dom/Domme is so thirsty that they will go along with things they disagree with to placate their sub, ignore boundaries and and their own values to get or keep one, that is not a Dom. Nor is one that will ignore a sub's.

Certainly, the relationship is real. I am not saying it isn't. However, it is a relationship just like any other. Each person is responsible for their own boundaries. Each person has the same responsibility to say yes or no.

What's your opinion? Does a sub hold all of the power in a Power exchange dynamic? Why?

[Lo****]

The submissive may end the relationship anytime they choose. That is the ultimate power. If the sub cannot perform her duties or is not emotionally centered enough it is the subs responsibility to relay that and the Doms duty to respect it.

If one respects, cherishes, and understands their partner, the power dynamic fits the sub does not have the power vecause the sub does not need that power or even want it. Its more of in. Ase of emergency power in order to keep a subs agency, and in my opinion should respected.

[do****]

Always...

[Deleted Member]

It annoys me to see "the sub has all the power". It is a relationship. Both have the power to say yes or no.

[theSir_ObservingU]

all you are saying is consent goes both ways?

[Co****]

My opinion: Also No.
The phrase “the submissive holds all the power” gets repeated a lot in conversations about Dom/sub relationships, but I think it’s often misunderstood.
While it’s true that consent and boundaries are essential, bandying that phrase around oversimplifies what’s really happening.

In reality, the dynamic is a mutual exchange built on trust, respect, and open communication. BOTH partners have agency—BOTH can set limits, say no, or stop things entirely. That’s what keeps the exchange balanced and consensual.

It’s not about one side secretly being in control, but about two people engaging in a shared, negotiated experience where each person’s role is equally important.

Surrendering power isn’t weakness; it’s a deliberate, consensual act that allows the Dominant to take charge within the boundaries they’ve BOTH agreed upon.

The sub chooses to entrust the Dominant with that authority, and the Dominate accepts the responsibility that comes with it

That collaboration and mutual trust are what truly define the dynamic, not the idea that one partner “holds all the power.”

[my****]

That’s an awful soft view of who a Dom is. I’ve always been asked my limits, and I say I don’t have limits, simply things I don’t do.

I have never done anything I didn’t want to do because the sub was into it.

- other than trying a suspect Mexican eatery.

[Ro****]

The Sub is the ultimate holder of the relationship. The Dom "earns" the Submissiveness by being consistent and safe. Dom's just can't taken over completely unless first agreed to by the Sub. Being Secure and having communication is the Dom's main role.

[CJ_SilverQueen]

I believe it goes both ways. I give my power over to my Dom willingly. He may choose to or not to take it and what to do with it. (Within my boundaries of course)

[Lo****]

The reality is that most people know and understand what a healthy dynamic looks like, But there are those who dont and others that dont care.

When you hear the horror stories over the years you tend to remember normal only counts within the boundaries of human decency. There are those who don't and the rule is a reminder to both subs and Doms that submissives do not have to endure unsatisfying and potentially harmful dynamics because your Dom says you do.

[Co****]

I think the idea that a Sub is the “ultimate holder” of a relationship is overstated. Submission isn’t something a Dom “earns”—it’s a conscious, ongoing choice built on trust, communication, and mutual respect.

Mutual respect, however, is something both partners cultivate. The Sub “earns” the trust of their Dominant through honesty, commitment and boundary-setting, while the Dominant “earns” the trust of their Sub by being consistent, secure, and communicative.

A Dominant’s role is to provide guidance, structure, and challenge, while the Sub actively participates by setting boundaries and engaging in the negotiated dynamic.

Framing submission as something that “must be earned” makes the relationship sound transactional when it’s really a collaborative exchange. Both partners have agency, share responsibility, and create/contribute to the trust that sustains the relationship.

To me, that’s what a healthy Dom/sub dynamic truly looks like

[ey****]

23 hours ago, DevilsAdvoc8 said:

The Topic: Does the Submissive hold all the power in the relationship?

Popular Opinion: Yes.

My Opinion: No.

Correct. 

[CopperKnob]

6 hours ago, LoveandSpice said:

The submissive may end the relationship anytime they choose. That is the ultimate power. If the sub cannot perform her duties or is not emotionally centered enough it is the subs responsibility to relay that and the Doms duty to respect it.

If one respects, cherishes, and understands their partner, the power dynamic fits the sub does not have the power vecause the sub does not need that power or even want it. Its more of in. Ase of emergency power in order to keep a subs agency, and in my opinion should respected.

So, what you've not said is whether the D can end the relationship....?

[al****]

Okay, here is my “IMO “thought. It may not be popular but it’s my way of thinking. Right or wrong. In the beginning the sub does hold all the power. I don’t need a Master to be submissive. I can walk up to any guy on the street and show him deference. I can say “thank you Sir” when a door is held for me or to the guy at the drive through that handles my order. I can show respect by not being a belligerent opinionated woman who has to badger a man to show she’s strong. I can listen to him and nod and walk away if I don’t agree without making him feel disrespected. But can a Dom be a Dom without a submissive. Not really in this day and age. If you go up to someone in the office and demand your way you are either going to be called a bully or write up for harassment. You can’t look at me and tell me to watch my tone, or who do I think I am? If I dare to talk back to you. You have to play the vanilla game. So until I give you my power. I am the one with the power. When I click with you and decide you are the person I want to submit to, and if you accept me, THEN you have the power. But only because I gave you mine. I’ve EXCHANGED my power for Your control. Now you have All the power. Until I decide that I no longer want to be yours and ask for my freedom. Then I take my power back. Yes, you are still a Dominant. But who are you dominating? It’s like a bicycle without a rider. It’s still a bike but it’s not going anywhere.

[Co****]

The issue here is the word “all”. Of course the submissive doesn’t have “all” the power. I don’t think anyone sane actually says that.

The submissive has the ‘ultimate’ power because their consent is required for the relationship to function and they can withdraw that consent and end the dynamic. That is the point.

Of course the dominant has the same power. The dominant can say no and is free to exit a relationship that isn’t meeting their needs. So why isn’t that discussed just as much? It’s because the dominant is less likely to forget that they have power in the relationship.

[mr****]

It's always a two way street meaning they both need each other equally how can you be dominant without a sub? And how can you be a sub without a dom? They both have the same power to leave as well as they both have the power to enter the contract ….choose wisely

[Ro****]

Power exchange goes both ways no matter what side of the slash you are on.

[Au****]

This is an awesome post, and I love how you stressed that it’s still just a relationship where communication and boundaries are key for everyone. When it comes to the question of who has the power: I definitely think the sub holds the foundational power. Why? Because the sub is the one who chooses to grant submission, and they are the only one who can take it away by saying 'no.' That ultimate right to consent sets the boundaries for the whole exchange and is what makes the dynamic safe and genuine.