When should the hard to talk about past be talked about?

[wb****]

As a submissive I know my Dom/Daddy and I need to get to know about each other’s past be it good or traumas, the important stuff. We need to be able to talk to each other openly about our wants and needs. What I’m wondering is when should the sub bring these things up? And should it be everything at once or little bits? Basically how much is too much? For example if the sub is a DV or SA survivor but that how they learned hey I liked it when XYZ was done. When should the sub bring it up? Should he or she wait for the dom to ask? Or should he / she offer it up in a, so I need you to know… way?
I know lots of questions sorry.

[Ki****]

Ummm, imo, you're completely wrong to think that you need to bring anything from the past to your new partner... i want to ask you this question first.For what reason do you think you need to tell him the only reason I would ever think to tell my current partner?Something about my past is, if it's something that i'm still doing.For example, maybe at one point I was a stripper or a hardcore drug.Addict, but in this current present day, I no longer do those things.So why would I make myself out to be potentially a person that can go back to those horrible things?Because what you're gonna do is put that in your partner's brain to possibly think that one day you might go back to it or one day when you stayed out later than you said or whatever the case is, he might possibly think that's what you're doing behind his back. But also not only that, even characteristic traits about yourself, I wouldn't even talk about, for example, if you used to be super crazy, jealous all up.In your partner's phone and wanting to know every little detail.But now you're one hundred percent secure, you don't care to know those things don't care to the seat in this phone.But you're just putting that in his brain 2 think that one day you might be jealous like that type.And nobody wants a jealous person like that.So he's gonna question or be cautious a bit more

[Ka****]

There is not perfect time, or bad time. But it is fair to be able to open and to be seen and to get to know your traumas so your daddy doesn’t hurt you by mistake. And it is always better to be seen without masks, it feels better 🤍you will know if it’s to much or to little. Your be yourself and trust him, if you feel you can you both will be able to open and show themselves as you are.

[Ve****]

I think everyone has a different comfort level, but personally I believe the past doesn’t always need to be unpacked in detail for a new dynamic to work. The past is the past, and sometimes revisiting it can make things heavier than they need to be.
What matters most to me is the present connection, clear communication about current boundaries, triggers, and what feels good or doesn’t feel good now without needing to go deep into how someone learned those things in previous relationships.
If a sub has a history like DV or SA, they shouldn’t feel ***d to retell the whole story unless they want to. Sharing triggers or limits doesn’t have to include sharing trauma.

[sc****]

I think as trust becomes more and more present in the relationship and feel like you can tell them without them freaking out too much you can initiate a talk like this if you feel like it is needed. Probably the talk is something that you only make out to be a big thing in your own head. I know this is cliché but communication is a huge key when it comes to understanding your partner and sharing your experiences only means u open up to them more.
Also sorry u had these things happen to u but good luck if u decide to talk to them✌🏻

[mr****]

As a survivor of childhood sexual ***, I’ve learned that you never owe anyone the details of what happened to you. Early in my healing, I used to overshare because I thought “being open” meant I had to tell everything. I felt almost obligated to prove my *** was real.

The truth I’ve come to is simpler and freer: you don’t have to talk about it at all unless you genuinely want to. If you fully trust someone and the moment feels right, you might choose to share; that’s okay. If something triggers you and you want to explain why certain things upset you, that’s okay too. But there’s no rule that says you must disclose your trauma to be believed, respected, or healed.

There’s a huge misconception that survivors have to “tell their story” in order to move forward. You should feel free to speak when you’re ready (and with whom you’re ready), but you’re never required to. Silence doesn’t mean you’re hiding or stuck; sometimes it just means you’re protecting your peace.

Most importantly: your trauma happened to you, but it isn’t who you are. It’s a chapter of your past, not the definition of your life. You get to decide how much space it takes up from now on.

You’re allowed to be more than what was done to you.

[Pa****]

The hard parts of your past should be talked about when they become relevant to safety, consent, or understanding how you work in a dynamic. It doesn’t have to be everything at once, and it shouldn’t be pressure dumped, but it also shouldn’t be hidden until someone asks the “right” question. Think of it as gradual, intentional sharing. If something affects your limits, triggers, aftercare, or the way you respond to power, that’s something to bring up early enough that your partner can hold you safely. The rest can be shared over time as trust grows. There’s no perfect timing, just honest communication in manageable pieces.

[Ka****]

10 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Ummm, imo, you're completely wrong to think that you need to bring anything from the past to your new partner... i want to ask you this question first.For what reason do you think you need to tell him the only reason I would ever think to tell my current partner?Something about my past is, if it's something that i'm still doing.For example, maybe at one point I was a stripper or a hardcore drug.Addict, but in this current present day, I no longer do those things.So why would I make myself out to be potentially a person that can go back to those horrible things?Because what you're gonna do is put that in your partner's brain to possibly think that one day you might go back to it or one day when you stayed out later than you said or whatever the case is, he might possibly think that's what you're doing behind his back. But also not only that, even characteristic traits about yourself, I wouldn't even talk about, for example, if you used to be super crazy, jealous all up.In your partner's phone and wanting to know every little detail.But now you're one hundred percent secure, you don't care to know those things don't care to the seat in this phone.But you're just putting that in his brain 2 think that one day you might be jealous like that type.And nobody wants a jealous person like that.So he's gonna question or be cautious a bit more

I think it depends on the kind of person you are.
If you are a sub and you have traumas it is important that your dom know some things and vice versa so about hurting the other person. To talk about the past Has NOTHING to do with jealousy or insecurity, for some people is importat in a s/d dynamic to get to know the other person and to do that the past is an important field. We all are the person we are today because what has happened to us. Bad or good, there should be not shame to share this if you feel like.

[Pa****]

10 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Ummm, imo, you're completely wrong to think that you need to bring anything from the past to your new partner... i want to ask you this question first.For what reason do you think you need to tell him the only reason I would ever think to tell my current partner?Something about my past is, if it's something that i'm still doing.For example, maybe at one point I was a stripper or a hardcore drug.Addict, but in this current present day, I no longer do those things.So why would I make myself out to be potentially a person that can go back to those horrible things?Because what you're gonna do is put that in your partner's brain to possibly think that one day you might go back to it or one day when you stayed out later than you said or whatever the case is, he might possibly think that's what you're doing behind his back. But also not only that, even characteristic traits about yourself, I wouldn't even talk about, for example, if you used to be super crazy, jealous all up.In your partner's phone and wanting to know every little detail.But now you're one hundred percent secure, you don't care to know those things don't care to the seat in this phone.But you're just putting that in his brain 2 think that one day you might be jealous like that type.And nobody wants a jealous person like that.So he's gonna question or be cautious a bit more

I get the point you’re trying to make, but I disagree with the idea that past stuff should stay off limits by default. In BDSM, some history is directly tied to consent and safety. If something from my past affects my limits, triggers, aftercare, or the way I respond to certain dynamics, my partner needs to know that to hold me responsibly. That’s not me branding myself as “likely to relapse” into old patterns, it’s me giving them the information they need to not accidentally hurt me.
Nobody is owed a full autobiography, and dumping everything on day one isn’t healthy either. But refusing to share anything relevant because it might make a partner suspicious is basically choosing *** over trust. A solid Dom can handle context without turning it into a threat, and a solid sub shouldn’t have to gamble with their wellbeing to protect someone else’s insecurity.

[Jo****]

It definitely important to know each well.

[PL****]

28 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Ummm, imo, you're completely wrong to think that you need to bring anything from the past to your new partner... i want to ask you this question first.For what reason do you think you need to tell him the only reason I would ever think to tell my current partner?Something about my past is, if it's something that i'm still doing.For example, maybe at one point I was a stripper or a hardcore drug.Addict, but in this current present day, I no longer do those things.So why would I make myself out to be potentially a person that can go back to those horrible things?Because what you're gonna do is put that in your partner's brain to possibly think that one day you might go back to it or one day when you stayed out later than you said or whatever the case is, he might possibly think that's what you're doing behind his back. But also not only that, even characteristic traits about yourself, I wouldn't even talk about, for example, if you used to be super crazy, jealous all up.In your partner's phone and wanting to know every little detail.But now you're one hundred percent secure, you don't care to know those things don't care to the seat in this phone.But you're just putting that in his brain 2 think that one day you might be jealous like that type.And nobody wants a jealous person like that.So he's gonna question or be cautious a bit more

I have to say I disagree with your opinion. In an open honest relationship our past effects the way we behave now, and influences choices in our futures. As an individual who has a great understanding about psychology and behavior I will say from that perspective and my own, I would discuss when you know you have the trust built to be be in a safe place within your relationship. Especially if a DV or SA effects your behaviors now. I also, have dealt with and have worked through situations in which I felt the feelings associated with those kinds of behaviors. It helps for a partner who you can trust to know what you have gone through, so they can provide and help your needs and the needs of the relationship. On top of this raw honesty often helps to further build that trust. Make sure you have fully vetted and they are fully invested, before this type of reveal, and I think that past information that is relayed should occur in measured steps as well.

[PrinceCruel]

First kudos for wanting to offer honesty in your relationship, it is remarkable.
Personally I don't think there are rules for personal disclosure. Sharing and allowing yourself to be *** is part of a process of deepening of a relationship so I would say that -when you feel comfortable - would be a good way to judge when it is the right time and then be clear on your intentions.
I know that I am still struggling with some of my past so there are things that trigger me that I , at one point, have to share to avoid setting myself off. I still can share it is a trigger without having to explain and disclose my history. Clear boundaries are acceptable and a good way to test your partner's genuine show of respect. From that respect comes the trust that will one day make you feel comfortable to share even if it is a request for support by withholding judgment. Wash-rinse-repeat it is a slow progressive process and you have to feel safe thru and thru.

[Da****]

The Philosophy of Dominance and the Art of Surrender in both Dom/sub and DDLG or Affectionate forms of Dominance is not about suppression of the sub and removing his/her voice.

Many wannabe Doms do that and even more Dommé and Mistresses falsely assume and teach that in order to assert dominance they need to treat their subs like a pig , degrade, fully objectify and dispose of their humanity or essence.

A healthy Dom/sub relationship is a safe space and secure containers for all forms of trauma, problems, issues, conditions, perversions, inhibitions and passions. It has the ability and capacity to help navigate most of those matters and channel the energy into a directed healthy pathway even when obedience and compliance dynamics are applied.

Feel at ease to bring up anything to the attention of your Dom, Daddy Dom, Master or Mistress at any time and ask specifically to make time to discuss those.

Most fetishes and kinks needs to be approached jointly in an informed way so instead of becoming triggers of past trauma they can be harnessed into another form of energy or even sexualised interaction to remove their hold over the sub and empower her again.

No human Dom or sub is 100 Percent secure and faultless. We all come with many faults, insecurities, troubles or limited perspective. Those who acknowledge that bravely and channel that correctly will navigate emotions, feelings, interactions and sexuality well without causing more harm and in fact can be the***utic and healing to engage with. Those who are unaware or in denial of their limited perspective, inhibitions or vulnerability be it a Dom or sub, are dangerous and damaging to others as well or simply are lost and need more guidance, nurturing and a kinder Master.

The earlier matters are brought up including what feels good or not the better but there needs to be time to form enough trust and vulnerability build up slowly first to be able to contain the weight of what is to be shared.

[KT****]

42 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

Ummm, imo, you're completely wrong to think that you need to bring anything from the past to your new partner... i want to ask you this question first.For what reason do you think you need to tell him the only reason I would ever think to tell my current partner?Something about my past is, if it's something that i'm still doing.For example, maybe at one point I was a stripper or a hardcore drug.Addict, but in this current present day, I no longer do those things.So why would I make myself out to be potentially a person that can go back to those horrible things?Because what you're gonna do is put that in your partner's brain to possibly think that one day you might go back to it or one day when you stayed out later than you said or whatever the case is, he might possibly think that's what you're doing behind his back. But also not only that, even characteristic traits about yourself, I wouldn't even talk about, for example, if you used to be super crazy, jealous all up.In your partner's phone and wanting to know every little detail.But now you're one hundred percent secure, you don't care to know those things don't care to the seat in this phone.But you're just putting that in his brain 2 think that one day you might be jealous like that type.And nobody wants a jealous person like that.So he's gonna question or be cautious a bit more

I feel like DV and SA is a suitable discussion to bring up in the sub/dom dynamic, especially in a sexual relationship. Drug addiction (as traumatic as that is), it just hits different with DV and SA.
For example, if you're a sub and an SA survivor (very common), you might have certain sexual acts that could trigger PTSD. The last thing anyone wants is an episode while the other person thinks they're having a good time, while the SA survivor is fighting demons of past ***.
Same can go for DV, you don't want a dom to use *** (or other actions) and it trigger the sub to go into fight or flight.
Just trying to put it into another more detailed perspective is all.

[As****]

I think it’s important to have a partner you can trust to be safe, sensitive, and informed when it comes to trauma. I believe if you trust someone enough to engage in sex/kink, you can mention sexual trauma (without having to go into more detail than you’re comfortable with). There’s an acronym called RBDSM-AFT that stands for different topics to discuss with prospective sexual partners for conscious relating. R - relationships, B - boundaries, D - desires, S - sexual health, M - meaning, A - aftercare, F - ***s, T - trauma.

[Li****]

I would say exactly the opposite.
First it depends what kind of relationship you and your Dom have. If it is „only“ sexual, you need to talk about sexually related trauma and stuff like that.
If you are in a full loving relationship, I would talk about everything at the given time. As being open is the path to true connection.
Now to the timing. It is hard to find the correct time for some topics. However they need to be addressed. If you think the sub isn’t the one to chose the time, you still need to tell your Dom, that there is something to talk about. He can’t know that.
To the question of how much to share at once. I say it depends on the situation. Sometimes it is much easier to talk about and understand a certain topic than you would think beforehand. But sometimes it takes some energy and time. Don’t talk about to much at once. However if you notice that it’s a good conversation and can keep going, there is no need to wait for another time.
It is hard to answer these questions without knowing your relationship and the topics you want to talk about. That’s why ultimately you need to make the decision yourself.
Relationships and BDSM in particular are build on trust. And for that you need to give the necessary information.
And if you need it in a more BDSM type of saying: It is not up to you to decide if your dom wants and needs the information.

[Lo****]

Sontye first comment I read would work if you were just playing but if you are looking at a serious dynamic this is something a Dom should know so they can work with you better to keep you in a safe place and perhaps help heal you. What if he does something to trigger a ptsd flashback? What if he says something that puts you in a bad head space and he had no clue? Honestly not talking about this with your Dom or sub is a landmine of trauma. Left unchecked it can cause irrepairable harm to your dynamic.

I can understand the thoughts behind being seen as damaged fornhaving these things happen to you and not wanting to be seen in such a way, but the truth isls these happened to you and someone who will treat you right will understand that. Being open, honest, and able to communicate will bring you to a deeper relationship.

As a final point I only pose this question; If you can't trust someone with your past, how can you trust them with your future?"

[Jo****]

Liebefür has points , Everyone else does too understanding one of the most important things in the kink community.

[PL****]

21 minutes ago, KT_D said:

I feel like DV and SA is a suitable discussion to bring up in the sub/dom dynamic, especially in a sexual relationship. Drug addiction (as traumatic as that is), it just hits different with DV and SA.
For example, if you're a sub and an SA survivor (very common), you might have certain sexual acts that could trigger PTSD. The last thing anyone wants is an episode while the other person thinks they're having a good time, while the SA survivor is fighting demons of past ***.
Same can go for DV, you don't want a dom to use *** (or other actions) and it trigger the sub to go into fight or flight.
Just trying to put it into another more detailed perspective is all.

I agree and this is part of what I was trying to communicate, but having some difficulties as I was trying to say it without having words unreadable. Triggers occur most often when we do not share what has happened, and if your in a power dynamic it's often important to explain why a specific action might remove too much power. Remember subs are subs because we need control over all else. This is where we get to feel as though we have lost control and give it to our dom. However, what happens when a sub feels like they are loosing power? Their bodies react, often involuntarily and they have to regain their control.

[Ki****]

56 minutes ago, Karmilla said:

I think it depends on the kind of person you are.
If you are a sub and you have traumas it is important that your dom know some things and vice versa so about hurting the other person. To talk about the past Has NOTHING to do with jealousy or insecurity, for some people is importat in a s/d dynamic to get to know the other person and to do that the past is an important field. We all are the person we are today because what has happened to us. Bad or good, there should be not shame to share this if you feel like.

I get what you're saying, but seriously, I still think it's wrong. My whole point is you shouldn't jump into a new relationship until you're totally over your past and nothing can set you off. You shouldn't be dragging old baggage into a new thing. There shouldn't be any triggers left because your head should be clear of all that past trauma and problems. I don't get why you'd think it's cool for someone to be with another person and have to deal with their potential trauma and triggers? That's just gonna lead to bigger problems like trust issues, bad communication, and stuff being hidden. To me, that's super messed up and unfair to the new person because they should've known all this from the start. That way, they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.

[CopperKnob]

23 minutes ago, LiebefürSchmerz said:

I would say exactly the opposite.
First it depends what kind of relationship you and your Dom have. If it is „only“ sexual, you need to talk about sexually related trauma and stuff like that.
If you are in a full loving relationship, I would talk about everything at the given time. As being open is the path to true connection.
Now to the timing. It is hard to find the correct time for some topics. However they need to be addressed. If you think the sub isn’t the one to chose the time, you still need to tell your Dom, that there is something to talk about. He can’t know that.
To the question of how much to share at once. I say it depends on the situation. Sometimes it is much easier to talk about and understand a certain topic than you would think beforehand. But sometimes it takes some energy and time. Don’t talk about to much at once. However if you notice that it’s a good conversation and can keep going, there is no need to wait for another time.
It is hard to answer these questions without knowing your relationship and the topics you want to talk about. That’s why ultimately you need to make the decision yourself.
Relationships and BDSM in particular are build on trust. And for that you need to give the necessary information.
And if you need it in a more BDSM type of saying: It is not up to you to decide if your dom wants and needs the information.

"It's not up to you to decide if your *Dom wants and needs the information,"
BUT
it is up to the individual to decide what and when they share and no one D or otherwise has a right to it.

[Jo****]

You literally say… I have trauma… and leave it at that. Because I have trauma… and I’m gunna leave it at that. Personally people who want to dive into what happened to me as a child that I’m being intimate with have always made me feel uncomfortable like why do you want to know. Things happened that’s all.

[CopperKnob]

OP, I would suggest considering your motivation for sharing, then how much you share, the potential impact on you, how triggering it may be and how much energy do you need to recover, are you (at the time of disclosure) emotionally resilient.
I'd also question, what might they do with the information, how may they respond, are you prepared for that especially if they're going to need any emotional support, are you prepared for any questions.
There is no right time. It's going to very much depend on the relationship you have and the above, what other external factors are present.
To reiterate, it should never be expected that anyone shares such trauma though, I would add if there are aspects of BDSM that may trigger your past, that does need to be discussed first but, the detail/the why does not. Sometimes it's as simple as completing your own risk assessment and anything you'd be worried about can be a hard limit. Again, no one needs ro know why anyone has a hard limit in place. Not anyone worth their salt

[theSir_ObservingU]

I ask any prospective submissive about their triggers and traumas at the same time as asking their limits and desires. To create a safe space for my submissive to feel so safe she can surrender to her submission and obey. I need to know what could trigger her. I also ask if they do get triggered what is the best way to caregiver at that point. Dominance is a responsibility. I also tell any submissive my triggers and traumas. That way they also know what is acceptable and not.

[As****]

42 minutes ago, Kingrhino023 said:

I get what you're saying, but seriously, I still think it's wrong. My whole point is you shouldn't jump into a new relationship until you're totally over your past and nothing can set you off. You shouldn't be dragging old baggage into a new thing. There shouldn't be any triggers left because your head should be clear of all that past trauma and problems. I don't get why you'd think it's cool for someone to be with another person and have to deal with their potential trauma and triggers? That's just gonna lead to bigger problems like trust issues, bad communication, and stuff being hidden. To me, that's super messed up and unfair to the new person because they should've known all this from the start. That way, they could decide right away if they wanted to deal with potentially getting triggered by your past issues.

People with trauma can’t just “get over” it. Triggers are a reality for people with trauma, and the existence of them doesn’t mean they’re not worthy of sexual or romantic intimacy. I have no problem dating someone with trauma and triggers.