Popular Post Zi**** Posted November 20 Popular Post I want to speak on something that has been sitting heavy on my spirit for a long time. I’ve hinted at it in other posts and mentioned it in my bio, but I feel like it needs to be said clearly and without filters. Because the truth is, some 'doms' have taken so much out of me, and I know I’m not alone. There are too many 'doms' out here who think dominance is choking a woman during sex, barking commands, or asking for explicit photos as proof of obedience. That’s not dominance. That’s not the lifestyle. That’s not DS. And I don’t know who needs to hear this, but dominance and submission are not sex acts. They are not porn clips. They are not momentary power trips. I’ve sent hundreds of photos and videos to people I trusted, people I believed were part of this world. Some experiences were unsettling, uncomfortable, and honestly left me feeling used. And I live with the f@ar that one day, my kids might come across something because someone decided to post what I once shared in confidence. This lifestyle has a dark side, and those 'doms' are a huge part of it. When someone claims dominance but has none of the responsibility, none of the emotional control, none of the integrity, they leave scars. They take innocence, softness, trust. They take the parts of a sub that are hardest to open, and they mishandle them. And here’s the worst part. After dealing with men who pretended to be dominant, who demanded things without earning trust, who thought the lifestyle was kink mixed with ego… subs start to harden. Our hearts close. Our softness gets guarded. Our vulnerability becomes selective. So when a real dom finally comes along, do you know what happens? He thinks we’re bratty. (Not in a good way) He thinks we’re difficult. He thinks we’re untrained or disobedient. He thinks we’re unworthy of his domination. And he doesn’t realise he’s meeting someone who has survived the damage left behind by men who had no business calling themselves doms in the first place. If there are 100,000 people in this lifestyle, at least 70,000 are pretending. And those pretenders are leaving emotional wreckage for the real ones to clean up. I’m not writing this to complain. I’m writing this because it needs to be said openly. These 'doms' take so much from us, and subs deserve a space to speak about it. If you’re a dom reading this, I hope you understand the weight we carry. And if you’re a sub reading this, I hope you know you’re not the only one who’s been hurt by people who never deserved your submission in the first place. -------------------- What experiences have others had? How have you got past the feelings left by those who give Doms, a bad name? How have you protected yourselves or identified them better?
cl**** Posted November 20 See true dominance is a trust game the sub is trusting the dom to help her grow and nurture what she gives him or her when people use it as a power trip it damages doms who want to teach and help subs grow in the life and your right its not choking during sex (though its fun) its an understanding for trust and the highest honor a sub can give i am sorry you been through this
DG**** Posted November 20 You said it in your LAST SENTENCE. Hurt by people who never deserved your submission in the first place. People need to Vet more before they commit. You can still have boundaries in a D/S dynamic.. Don't wanna send pictures, then don't. If you lose the guy over that, it wasn't that deep on ANY level anyways
Pr**** Posted November 20 It's been a reoccurring theme that even positive education efforts barely if ever put a dent in the skewed perspectives and misconceptions. I've been going against this myself for a very long time. Including writing many guides or making myself available to educational discussions. I have most definitely reached a good number of people but it still feels impossible. People will be selfish and treat this as they want to treat this ecosystem. I've had better results speaking to subs and giving better vetting options, insights from an experienced Dom, and an open door to feedback or opinions on their concerns.
be**** Posted November 20 I feel this in my soul. Its p@inful. Those "doms" are just just abusive people who found a "perfect" place to hide. Wolves in sheep's clothing. Its sickening. And we are so *** to it especially if having been abus*d before. I could share horror stories to what ive been through because of this.
Be**** Posted November 20 This right here is my greatest f@ar of being a dom. Hurting someone and scarring them.
be**** Posted November 20 I wish we had a safe space to warn people. I think the tea app was really trying to make that happen for women, specifically but it got over-run with ***age drama and problems and ultimately too easy for offenders to get their posts removed.
be**** Posted November 20 Ive had this lifestyle used against me and as a reason to excuse SA when an ex broke into my apartment. I had a video of him with some thing everyone keeps in their kitchen, bc im sure that word will be edited too. He tried fighting the PFA order claiming that I asked him to. Ive never had any fantasy or agreed to do anything pertaining to that. Thankfully. Bc they asked for proof and obv there is none. But its terrifying to think that if a woman did have an abduction /hostage fantasy (good friend of mine likes that stuff but she is careful) that an abusive person could get away with seriously harming her just by saying she was okay with some of it.
be**** Posted November 20 My husband used to only be able to get off if he was inflicting p@in. Especially emotional p@in. Which got to the point where he had to cross boundaries or push me well past my limits just to enjoy sex. To put it simply unless he was actually graping me or I was sobbing from absolute emotional despair, he couldn't. I loved him so much. I still do. But that broke me.
Firepit Posted November 20 I see it a lot in the deluge of messages I see plastered over walls and photo comment sections on here.
Un**** Posted November 20 That's why I say words are very important and an easy way to tell if someone respects you or not
KI**** Posted November 20 I understand your perspective and your thoughts/feelings/POV are very valid. But as a Dom that has dealt with the left over damage done by other Doms what I will say is that most subs like vanilla relationships jump from Dom to Dom looking for that “super hero” to come save them from what has been done to them and the at formula never works out for them. It’s not our job to pick up the pieces that was left behind from past dynamics. Even tough you may have been trick, used, bamboozled by other doms, it’s truly up to you to take time and accountability of your own healing. So when you do come in contact with YOUR Dom, he can experience the best version of you. The same way you would want the best version of him. Now I’m not excusing other Doms of their wrong doing but what I want from you is for you not to give your past so much power by focusing on the wrong doings and look forward to the healed version of yourself so when you do experience YOUR Dom it can be the best, most fruitful, Nasty, etc. experiences of your life. Be Blessed Luv!
Ru**** Posted November 20 Thank you for sharing this. I can imagine how vulner@ble and frightening it must feel to speak so openly about something so personal. I truly admire your courage and strength. At the same time it makes me very sad that you had to experience this. I hope with all my heart that the people who hurt you are not a reflection of the wider kink community. I rarely speak with dominant men online myself, and sometimes I wonder if some of these people are even part of the community in a real way. It often feels as if they use the idea of dominance and BDSM simply to manipulate others and take advantage, instead of understanding what true dominance actually means. Submission is a gift. It is intimate and precious, something that must be earned through trust and care. If someone takes it without respect or responsibility, then it loses its meaning. I often see people rushing into BDSM without learning about safety or risks. That responsibility belongs to both dominants and submissives. Knowledge protects us, and it helps us choose wisely. Being part of a local kink community can help. There is usually accountability and people looking out for one another. It is not a perfect solution, but it can create a safer space. Dating, in kink or in vanilla life, always carries risk. Being cautious is a strength. You are right that we carry our experiences into the future, and they shape us. That is why it hurts to hear stories like yours, because BDSM can also be incredibly beautiful, intimate and healing. It can create connection and safety in a way nothing else can. So perhaps the real question is whether those men were truly dominant at all, or if they simply used the title to justify harmful behavior. BDSM is not ***. Real BDSM is consensual, caring, respectful and controlled. Thank you again for speaking up. I hope you give yourself time to heal and that you meet people who show you how safe and beautiful this world can be when it is built on trust.
Ch**** Posted November 20 Absolutely right. Some people have no idea how strong you have to be, in order to be this soft. I would say more, but you've said it all.
Deleted Member Posted November 20 I was having this exact conversation the other day with my sub. She's also had really bad experiences and it's horrid to think people even on here just take advantage rather than being Dominant! There's a massive difference. Good on you for speaking out
da**** Posted November 20 This is totally understandable! But we all should know that just as in every aspects of life, they’re always gonna be bad actors and participants in everything… as a Dom myself, the onus should not be placed on the “good doms” to make right for all the bad ones, women overall needs to protect themselves from the jump and make sure that who they’re opening up themselves(heart, body, trust and integrity, mind and emotions) with are actually capable of both leading, caring, dominating and protecting them as he should…. You should not just go following any and every man blindly u meet! Take accountability and stop garnering trauma just for it to be another man’s problems and stress
au**** Posted November 20 I am new to this community and I identify dom. But I thought does were caretakers more than anything. If I am wrong then I am not sure I can identify as a dom like that.
da**** Posted November 20 1 hour ago, DG-DadBod4Hire said: You said it in your LAST SENTENCE. Hurt by people who never deserved your submission in the first place. People need to Vet more before they commit. You can still have boundaries in a D/S dynamic.. Don't wanna send pictures, then don't. If you lose the guy over that, it wasn't that deep on ANY level anyways Exactly!
typhoon2 Posted November 20 I'm regularly a Top and have been a Dominant. I have never demanded images. It's certainly not a part of D/s that I recognise (although I do acknowledge verification images but they don't need to be explicit). Frankly the demanding of intimate photos is a red flag for me, and is perhaps the easiest to spot. Thankfully the Dim Doms out themselves quite easily but newbies may not spot the warning signs until too late.
li**** Posted November 20 I don’t humor any “dom” who randomly messages me demanding i submit to them. Only someone who love bmbs me right out the gate or expects honesty anything from me. Thats not how this works, there are so many new people coming into kink and don’t know how to properly interact with in this space. Its happened to me so many times. I have been so close to just saying f this im out. Which i shouldn’t have to do! I should be able to feel safe in this space like i once was able to years ago. Now its not the same.
FE**** Posted November 20 A REMINDER. ALL posts and comments in the Kink Academy are moderated before they appear in the thread. Please only post once and wait. Posting the same thing multiple times just gives mods more work and slows down all approvals.
DY**** Posted November 20 Thank you for this. I hate how cynical I’ve become and how avoidant I now am thanks to experience. It’s made me realise I’ve actually never met a single “good man” in my entire life. I hate that I don’t believe any man is capable of being a good and decent person, never mind a good dom.
Recommended Posts