Kink interrogation to prove you’re “serious”

[De****]

4 hours ago, libertybelle369 said:

Same energy as on regular dating apps. It’s means to an end for many have already objectified and don’t know how to connect otherwise

Very true 😩

[De****]

4 hours ago, kev508 said:

Unfortunately “50 Shades of Grey” Ang the internet have combined to make entering the kink community a maze of predators and scammers.

Any vetting process that does not involve real discussion about the sub’s limits, interests, desires and safety is a red flag as is a Dom/me that does not discuss safety, their training/experience and specialties is a red flag.

Some of these people are out to exploit other’s personal info for monetary gain while others see the kink community as a hunting ground for women who like wild sex play.

I myself am a switch, but my first experiences were as a sub. Subs often begin by thinking about what they’d like to try and that’s what predatory fake Doms try to take advantage of. A real Dom/me know the mental and aspects of D/s play are truly what make an experience. The ***/pleasure mix is a tool to unlock our deeper vulnerability and inner needs/desires that allow a sun to let go and really get those endorphins firing during play. And a real Dom/me will provide proper aftercare.

These thing require real conversation that can begin with “what are you into” but must go deeper before play happen.

50 shades of bullshit brought the community into mainstream awareness, and with it a bunch of horny guys (and some predatory women) seeing an opportunity to prey upon women who don’t know quite what they should expect from a prospective Dom/me. Online platforms make it harder for the community the weed these people out (many change profiles or pr names often) so sadly your experience really has become a rite of passage.

Really appreciate your comment here thank you and yes the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. You are right though, these conversations have to go deeper purely for safety reasons. It’s a shame a lot of people don’t recognise that and value its importance

[De****]

5 hours ago, H0neyBadger said:

I think there is allot of men who con the label to get there needs and interests met. I’ve talked with a few people dipping their toes or just looking for friends here and mentioned that.

Thank you for this post as I have learned a couple things that are fantastic tools to improve me. I would appreciate DM conversation about my profile if you’re up for it.

You’re welcome and I’m glad this was helpful to you. We are all learning from each other and honestly being able to share my experiences and have people engage is what keeps me on this app - even when at times I feel like 😭

[De****]

5 hours ago, clear_spring said:

I have the reverse experience of alot of submissive simply listing acts and kinks of things they want done to them. Not realising d/s is in many ways a very committed relationship. Aftercare and consent are absolutely things to discuss.

Also consent to discuss and disclose links. At a munch its a red flag to immediately talk about hunting for a sub/dom or talk about kinks straightaway.

Very true, wasn’t sure that doms experience this too so a good counter perspective, thank you

[fa****]

8 hours ago, TravellingDom71 said:

I think maybe those first questions are to establish if there is compatibility. I have always practised the SSC and RACK approach so I make the assumption that the person im chatting with will know their safety is my most important concern. Its enlightening to be shown that It might not have been as obvious to them as it is to me that I think that way, but that's a me problem because I had communicated that at the outset.

Thank you for highlighting this, as I hadn't thought about it before.

Hello I’m new to the scene could you explain the acronyms SSC and RACK to me? Ive been trying to inhale as much information as I can and im curious about what these mean!

[Ni****]

Does it really matter as long as you're both enjoying it at the time? BDSM has this massive sense of aloofness that it's somehow non-sexual, and that anyone who doesn't get that doesn't belong. It likes to show its contempt for swingers but has no problem giving ***d orgasms to casual play partners.

The very notion of "Real Dom" is a symptom of that IMO, and those established lifestyles are often the problem when they go all "I am Dom! Hear me roar!" in terms of trying to control the local scene and ruin it for people they don't like.

[De****]

3 hours ago, Nicole_Trans said:

Does it really matter as long as you're both enjoying it at the time? BDSM has this massive sense of aloofness that it's somehow non-sexual, and that anyone who doesn't get that doesn't belong. It likes to show its contempt for swingers but has no problem giving ***d orgasms to casual play partners.

The very notion of "Real Dom" is a symptom of that IMO, and those established lifestyles are often the problem when they go all "I am Dom! Hear me roar!" in terms of trying to control the local scene and ruin it for people they don't like.

I think you misread my post. I didn’t enjoy it and felt pressured to disclose because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. That’s why I asked if it was just a rite of passage that subs have to accept

[Mo****]

If you felt pressured or uncomfortable in any way, you should walk away. BOTH parties should feel safe and heard. Listen to your gut, if it doesn't feel right it's not right.

[Ba****]

Little secret about power exchange dynamics: the sub holds all the power to be exchanged until the exchange has been negotiated which means the sub starts in a stronger position

Being a „good sub“ only means being a good doormat if you are into human funiture, don’t worry everybody starts as idiots but hey sound like you learned before playing with people you shouldn’t meet
What happened to you was basically the bdsm equivalent to asking for nude/hookup at the start of a conversation on tinder or something

But I’m not sure how to address the point about how „sex-act-focused“ kink is supposed to be apart from: „highly individual“, to me for example tying the arm of a fully clothed woman behind her back is already a „sex-act“ and around 2/3s of my toys have no direct relation to my own needs

[Ro****]

Generally, initial negotiations should be equal and open and broad. I like to think of kink in terms of dating. You start out, you chat, you discuss. You fo a few dates, you decide if you want to go further.

Now... in a vanilla date, I don't think you open up the conversation with 'hey, so, what's your favourite position? Is it Missionary? Cos I love Missionary...'. You talk about other stuff - interests, music, family, whatever it is normal people talk about. I dunno, cars, sports?

So, yeah, maybe it should be more like that in kink dating. Just, I dunno, maybe less boring? Like talk about cool stuff or something, I dunno...

But dating online does seem to trigger many to jump straight into the sex talk. At the very least before you get there some discussion on the expectations of the relationship... trust needs to come from somewhere and it ain't gonna come from 'so, you like it when I...' conversations...

I only wish more did take time to converse. Especially as the ones who jump straight into roles or kinks are often scams.

[Deleted Member]

23 hours ago, fallenfeathered said:

Hello I’m new to the scene could you explain the acronyms SSC and RACK to me? Ive been trying to inhale as much information as I can and im curious about what these mean!

I don’t know (or don’t remember) what RACK stands for but SSC is Safe, Sane, and Consensual

[Ar****]

6 hours ago, fremont1996 said:

I don’t know (or don’t remember) what RACK stands for but SSC is Safe, Sane, and Consensual

@fallenfeatheredRACK is Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

[Deleted Member]

Lol think of it based on human experience, we measure based on the past, but never on the future. We weigh on our past scales based on someone whose never experienced anything we've experienced and thus forth turned it into something similar to Salems witch trials

[Wondering1]

On 12/4/2025 at 7:22 AM, iamqueenoswords said:

I love this post!!! Like you- I have identified as a switch, however ( in order to not deal with the asshats who come jump into DMs with the super toxic Dom energy I ) I promote myself as a dom only.

Also kink is entirely a made up idea! It's only based on what society thinks is "kinky"🤣 . Bdsm is somewhat defined- though not perfect. It has been helpful to understand the difference in understanding between kink and fetish. And also that BDSM is a series of sliders similar to the Kinsey scale.

When I left the "contracts and transactions" side of bdsm and moved into "LS"/"lifestyle" there is a HUGE difference in approach, rules, and meet styles, consenting agreements and a totally different vibe! I had to relearn everything! And I learned some valuable skills in dealing with toxic doms AND overeager subs.
 

Please tell me about how you handle over eager subs. I have several "subs" that jump in my dms and start off like a job application. Then while I am trying to get to know them as a person the continue to drag every conversation back to sex. Im inexperienced and just starting out on my journey of actual self discovery. The only experiences I have involved subs who were consistently begging and it quickly became work not play for me. 

[Ro****]

4 hours ago, Wondering1 said:

Please tell me about how you handle over eager subs. I have several "subs" that jump in my dms and start off like a job application. Then while I am trying to get to know them as a person the continue to drag every conversation back to sex. Im inexperienced and just starting out on my journey of actual self discovery. The only experiences I have involved subs who were consistently begging and it quickly became work not play for me. 

I can see how that can be exhausting. The only solution I can think of is to tell them this. Being direct about it. I guess you could set a writing task of 'tell me about yourself' which might work to give them the hint.

[Wondering1]

15 hours ago, RoseSatin said:

 

I can see how that can be exhausting. The only solution I can think of is to tell them this. Being direct about it. I guess you could set a writing task of 'tell me about yourself' which might work to give them the hint.

I like the idea of a writing task. Thank you for the tip

[Ro****]

Honesty is always the way to openness and helps our evolution as a confused highly sexual young lady, I was so alone and filled with shame I could never have done this as a 20something so Bravo! Just remember that it is an evolution and what we think we are changes without is even noticing at first. Good luck!

[Ga****]

This is very interesting to hear. I recently found out im Demi, wich is good and a bit bad. I cant enjoy casual or spontaneous things, and my energy is already low.
I suppose i should note in my profile sometime that i do care about a subs well-being actually.
As for kinks, ive not interrogated anyone, but a conversation or knowkedge on what people want may be nice for me.
Because my energy is low, the earlier i find out if a person mixes well with me, the better. And kinks, id like to know, because what if i end up invested and all, and then, it may turn out we arent on the same page.
Getting to know a person takes me ages. I need to feel safe with a person myself, as a dom.

[Do****]

I always make of point of sitting down with a potential "sub" before any sexual interaction occurs to specifically ask about their limits and turn ons. Might seem a bit formal, but it's certainly important for keeping things at a consensual level for both (or more) involved

[Deleted Member]

I don’t think what you’re describing is a “rite of passage” so much as a very common failure of culture - especially online.

 

What you’re naming isn’t kink as a lived, relational practice; it’s kink reduced to inventory. Acts, toys, checklists. When that happens, submission quietly becomes performance rather than consent, and the unspoken test becomes: “Can you prove you’re serious by disclosing and accommodating?” rather than “Are we building something safe enough to hold this?”

 

A lot of newer submissives internalise the idea that discomfort is the entry fee. That of the conversation feels rushed or exposing, it must be because we’re not experienced enough yet - rather than because is something is missing. So they override that internal voice and comply, hoping competence will create safety retroactively. It doesn’t.

 

To your question about whether this is “real kink” or just perception: I think it’s a perception that has been allowed to dominate the space. A Dom who only operates in the language of sex acts isn’t necessarily malicious - but they are incomplete. Power exchange without context, negotiation, and care isn’t depth, it’s extraction. And when someone consistently avoids conversations about limits, pace and aftercare, that’s not a stylistic choice; it’s a refusal of responsibility.

You weren’t gullible. You were navigating a space where the loudest voices often model urgency instead of discernment. The fact that you now recognise the difference - and can articulate it so clearly - is evidence of growth, not embarrassment.

I also think you’re right that many “Dom’s” tell on themselves very quickly. Not because they ask about kinks - that can be part of the conversation - but because that’s all they ask. When curiosity isn’t matched with care, it’s not dominance; it’s consumption.

So no, I don’t think you were conned in the sense of being foolish. I think you encountered people wearing a label without carrying its weight. And part of your journey has been learning that submission isn’t proven by how much you’ll offer - it’s protected by how carefully you’re met.

That discernment isn’t a loss of innocence. It’s the foundation of real kink.

[Deleted Member]

I'm dominant in my actual life and would like to be submissive and explore my kinks with a Dom I have a connection with. That being said, I think you have to already have your wits about you. In other words, if you know what you want going into these interactions, you can easily weed out the ones that aren't serious or the ones that are vetting for different reasons. If you value connection first, you need to sit and think about how that would show up in your chosen dynamic. Once you find someone that aligns with that, the other things like chemistry, respect, desire, attraction are just a simple part of the transaction; and how they're presented  is exactly what you have to go off of. Don't assign value where there isn't. Even when you really like someone. Make sure that you ask the hard questions and pace yourself. No one should have access to your life, kink or otherwise, that doesn't take the lifestyle seriously; even if you're just connecting specifically for kink and your personal lives don't intertwine.

[Deleted Member]

5 hours ago, Gentlemandom47 said:

I don’t think what you’re describing is a “rite of passage” so much as a very common failure of culture - especially online.

 

What you’re naming isn’t kink as a lived, relational practice; it’s kink reduced to inventory. Acts, toys, checklists. When that happens, submission quietly becomes performance rather than consent, and the unspoken test becomes: “Can you prove you’re serious by disclosing and accommodating?” rather than “Are we building something safe enough to hold this?”

 

A lot of newer submissives internalise the idea that discomfort is the entry fee. That of the conversation feels rushed or exposing, it must be because we’re not experienced enough yet - rather than because is something is missing. So they override that internal voice and comply, hoping competence will create safety retroactively. It doesn’t.

 

To your question about whether this is “real kink” or just perception: I think it’s a perception that has been allowed to dominate the space. A Dom who only operates in the language of sex acts isn’t necessarily malicious - but they are incomplete. Power exchange without context, negotiation, and care isn’t depth, it’s extraction. And when someone consistently avoids conversations about limits, pace and aftercare, that’s not a stylistic choice; it’s a refusal of responsibility.

You weren’t gullible. You were navigating a space where the loudest voices often model urgency instead of discernment. The fact that you now recognise the difference - and can articulate it so clearly - is evidence of growth, not embarrassment.

I also think you’re right that many “Dom’s” tell on themselves very quickly. Not because they ask about kinks - that can be part of the conversation - but because that’s all they ask. When curiosity isn’t matched with care, it’s not dominance; it’s consumption.

So no, I don’t think you were conned in the sense of being foolish. I think you encountered people wearing a label without carrying its weight. And part of your journey has been learning that submission isn’t proven by how much you’ll offer - it’s protected by how carefully you’re met.

That discernment isn’t a loss of innocence. It’s the foundation of real kink.

"..part of your journey has been learning that submission isn't proven by how much you'll offer - it's protected by how carefully you're met." That is the most accurate description\embodiment of what submission truly means. And I love it. 

[wo****]

I’m not submissive and what I have to say applies pretty universally. “The map is not the territory.”