Basic Etiquette & Respect

[Ch****]

i've found my inbox contains a common theme amongst messages, as do the inboxes of other submissives i know. That is a lack of incredible lack of respect and ignorance of basic etiquette.

 

Before i was owned, i would regularly receive messages beginning with phrases such as "hello slave/slut/bitch", and calling me "a bad sub" or "fake" when i refused to instantly send them nudes or photos of my face. These people have no interest in or respect for me, as a person, they are only interested in how they can use me to fulfill their own desires. i'm sure this is a familiar story for many submissives.

Since listing Master on my profile, and politely requesting in the description that people seek his permission before messaging me, the types of messages listed above have now massively decreased if not stopped completely. Instead, i now get messages from people who call themselves "Dom" or "Master" who look at my profile, look at Master's profile, and blatantly disregard our polite requests to respect our relationship/dynamic by sending me messages stating that they are looking for a submissive and asking if i am interested. One of these people even went as far as suggesting he would "cut off" Master's collar.

i am more than happy to chat with anyone (with Master's permission), especially those newer to the lifestlye and looking for guidance. Again, i have made it clear on my profile that I'm open to conversation as long as it is respectful of me, my Master, and our dynamic. When receiving messages like those mentioned above, i do my best to remain polite if i do respond, and aim to educate and gently remind offenders of the importance of etiquette and, more importantly, consent. And yes, sometimes the person apologises for a genuine mistake and we move on to have an interesting conversation. However, more often I find i am met with derision, goading, and vulgarity.

"if you ever feel like disobeying him"...."he seems like a control freak"...."you're on a dating site"...etc. These are all real responses from my inbox recently. Only once have i received a message wishing us well with "he is lucky to have such a loyal sub".

Now, firstly this is a community forum and chat site which also happens to be good for hooking up. It is not in itself a dating site and those of us within dynamics still enjoy keeping up with the community and meeting likeminded people. That's why it's an option to say on your profile that you're looking for "friends".  Secondly, anybody should be able to use this site without judgement, *** or harrassment. Everybody here should be treated with a basic level of courtesy - yes, even those who claim to be submissives.

i understand that not everybody follows some of the more formal etiquette of the BDSM lifestyle, and not everybody is in a 24/7 dynamic. Some may see my arrangement with Master as "old fashioned" or "controlling". However what these people don't realise is that our dynamic is entirely consensual entered into after lengthy and in-depth negotiation (limits, boundaries, expectations, issues, histories, health and obligations on both sides). He has as much control as i willingly give him, a fact he readily acknowledges and respects. In return, he looks after me and guides me, regularly checking on my physical and emotional wellbeing during both scenes and day to day life. He made it clear from day one what his interests and aims were and placed a huge emphasis on me knowing what i was agreeing to. Giving me the chance to alter terms/rules or outright refuse them ...and even gave me several chances to back out if i felt it wasn't for me. The difference in why i chose him, was because he approached me with respect and courtesy as a person before enforcing his "dominating domly domness" (as he likes to say in mockery of the instadoms). However, sadly it appears to be easier to assume i'm in some sort of abusive relationship with an immature, psychopathic control freak who i must be desperate to escape from! On the contrary he looks after me very well, i am very happy and content with someone who always puts my needs on an equal footing with his own.

 

 If someone else has the capability to read a profile, they should also have the ability to respect our dynamic and more importantly respect me as a person. i am here to chat with friends and engage in conversation, to learn from others who may have different perspectives to my own. i am not here to fill your wank bank, to be pushed around and called names. Furthermore, if you are happy to disregard my wishes and send me a disrespectful message without any consideration for my consent...how could i possibly be interested in that? If you can't show basic consideration and seek the appropriate consent when initiating contact, how can a person trust you will seek and respect their consent, limits and safewords if they do decide to meet you?

i am a submissive yes, as are many on this site. But, as difficult as it seems to be to remember, we are people too. We are not doormats, we are not here to be pushed around and have our thoughts, opinions and feelings either disregarded or blatantly laughed at. i often see people on this site complaining that it is difficult to find someone. i have found that plenty of people are more than happy to hold a conversation, if you approach and treat them with the basic respect and consideration that should be given to anyone.

 

[Deleted Member]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Well said Charli3! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[Deleted Member]

And that’s why the genuine guys never get a chance x

[an****]

Well said !

[Deleted Member]

Amen. I would go the block and report route for all those types without giving them any acknowledgement.

[3e****]

Unfortunately, these disrespectful people you talk about are the ones who will not bother to read or take heed of this post.

[Ch****]

Just now, kail235 said:

Amen. I would go the block and report route for all those types without giving them any acknowledgement.

I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and try to educate them first. Some very insightful conversations have come about that way. But yes, those functions are used with disappointing frequency...

[Ch****]

Just now, DanteReign said:

Unfortunately, these disrespectful people you talk about are the ones who will not bother to read or take heed of this post.

Unfortunately I *** you are right, but I needed to get it off my chest and if even one of them glances at it, it'll be worth it

[Ch****]

29 minutes ago, crewe-and943 said:

And that’s why the genuine guys never get a chance x

I do agree with this, and this is partly why I made this post in the first place.

 

However, to comment like this when you could have just agreed as others have done, you are twisting my post around to make it about yourself and your issues, thus detracting from those I've experienced. I'm not sure how "genuine" that is.

I appreciate this was likely said with the best of intentions, but the effect of your words remains the same regardless. Perhaps something to bear in mind if you find you're not getting a chance.

 

Equally, I see the other reasoning that a high volume of messages such as the ones I describe does mean that I have a biased view and yes, I have found myself less likely to reply positively to some

Edited January 14, 2021 by Charli3

[Deleted Member]

BDSM is about respect. Sorry to hear that . Chin up hopefully they will move on after lockdown x

[Ch****]

3 minutes ago, Switch7 said:

BDSM is about respect. Sorry to hear that . Chin up hopefully they will move on after lockdown x

Whilst I hope this will be the case I unfortunately remain doubtful. I've been on sites such as this one for 5 years now, and these kinds of messages only seem to have gotten more frequent in that time

[Deleted Member]

Well said x

[Baby_Redrum]

Someone needed to say this, I get so many disrespectful messages 😓 and people think it’s ok because I’m a sub? No! I’m a person!

[MrWillo]

Very beautifully put. It is like people seem to forget that talking on sites like this is in no way different to talking to someone in real life. I am pretty sure they would never do this in the real world and feel like its ok because they can hide behind anonymity

[je****]

Very well thought out and articulated. I appreciate your perspectives and enjoyed our chat the other day. I am lucky to have found you and this community here.

[so****]

Agree

[Bo****]

Well said!.......Charli3,i respectfully endorse all of both your's & your impressive Master's points. This is a very common situation unfortunately.......my understanding of which has skyrocketed since forming a lockdown support kink bubble with my dear friend n polyplay chum ......we can only attempt polite education ,ignore perhaps......or dryly dance sideways away in a waft of sarcastic,satirical humour ..........
To ask , "which cognitive state do you prefer? Dissonant ? Or,distorted?" ......
Usually gives enough time to pop kettle on & release captive choccy biccies from biscuit barrel.......whilst they google those basic socially conditioned biases........n reflect n contemplate fine social intercourse with yourself,Master & our other fine fetish friends in the bigtribeVibe in the lobby........all welcome,in mutual respect n good humour,support & shared experiential learning.....🙏🐾🐾🐺

[Rossco]

I feel every person getting into kink or coming into this site should take the time to read this ! Kinks or fetishes do mean you should be treated differently by anyone & most of all not somewhere like here

[Rossco]

I feel every person getting into kink or coming into this site should take the time to read this ! Kinks or fetishes do not mean you should be treated differently by anyone & most of all not somewhere like here

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for saying this so well. I'm not as patient to explain these things so succinctly. I'm happy for you and your Dom to have found something that suits you both so well, and you're the only ones who can define your dynamic! Everything else I have to say is a lot of profanity.

[Deleted Member]

Very well said. As a Dom this angers me. Those who do this are more into the kink than the lifestyle. Submissive's should stay away from these types. Unfortunately those who do this probably won't stop.

[Deleted Member]

Hate reading posts like these. Not because your in the wrong at all Chari but because they just shouldn't happen in a community like this. I wish there were a way we could do something. Maybe FET could give each of us a trust rating attached to our profiles and we could score eachother. Wouldn't take long for trends to show. There's no accountability. Ergo, no humility or respect that would come of a face to face interaction. Law of averages says if someone sends 100 messages of complete shit at least one might just stick. Sad times! 😞
Don't give up!

[Carnelian2]

@Charli3There are two aspects to your post that stands out for me:

1. The fact that people do not know how to behave in the community. Unfortunately, this is common as not everyone is familiar with the lifestyle and think it is a quick way to get kinky. Add to that an attitude that everyone on a dating site (I know this is not a dating site but people can think that), thinks that people with profiles are easy to get, desperate, out of one thing etc.
Best thing, as you do, is to simply ignore

2. To actually ignore your specific instruction is completely out of order and just warrants a polite response to say that they did not follow the instructions and that you therefore cannot accept their message. If followed up by unwarranted messages then block and report.
Personally, I am not really a fan of blocking anyone as I may also be misunderstanding things, so I think blocking is not a good response. Then, I do not get floods of mails, so it is not really a problem for me, and everyone can do as he/she thinks best.

[Maid-Francesca]

Hi - as a sub too I really hold back in chatting privately here unless I’ve met in chat or in forums for that very reason. There is an occasional nice hello in there that I might respond to. It saddens me that people see you’re a sub and automatically think they have the right to start degrading, and verbally abusing you. I do struggle chatting openly so that’s why I came here on Fet, however it has opened a few doors that I can explore cautiousl. There’s a few genuine people I have met on here and they’re amazing people, but it saddens me that some people just want a quickie then to disappear again.

[Deleted Member]

I’ve lost track of how many of these posts I’ve seen in nearly a year on here. I’ve written about the problem myself. Everyone agrees it’s a problem but nothing changes. I am becoming more and more cynical and less and less patient with men in my inbox. I block more, I’ve locked down my inbox, I just don’t reply or I give men an earful. I’m afraid to say Charli - this is what a lot of men are like. Not all men, but misogyny runs deep in society and it shows here. 😔