Where are all the Dommes?

[ey****]

"Most", but not all....

[Deleted Member]

Posting on a few threads that there is a lack of Dommes is a bit of a sweeping statement They are there if you look for them and I have found those that I have chatted  with (I do mean have a proper conversation not playing)  to be genuine people I'm not looking for anything from them so maybe it's easier for both of us Maybe it could be a starting point for you getting to know someone before demanding other things

It's not easy finding someone with the same interests as you whether that be in normal life or bdsm or somewhere inbetween You have to work on it and not just expect it to come to you on a plate.

 

[TheReadingPuppy]

I haven't demanded anything from anyone.  If I could find a single local Mistress to chat to that would be a good start

[ey****]

why does she have to be local?

also, what are you doing - sitting waiting for a local Dominant female, on your doorstep, to sign up for the site so you can start messaging her?

what if she doesn't want to talk to you? 

[micha-switch]

I am a switch. Only just joined today. 

[TheReadingPuppy]

I'm not looking for a switch. I'm looking for a Female lifestyle Mistress.  This is supposed to be a bdsm site!

[ey****]

hello micha-switch. I'll welcome you seeing how someone else is being a bit rude.  welcome to the site, I hope it helps you.

[Deleted Member]

20 hours ago, micha-switch said:

I am a switch. Only just joined today. 

Hello and welcome.  The majority of the forum is friendly, I hope you'll look around and join in our discussions  

[Deleted Member]

Well I wasn’t on this site during the original discussion, but it does have some interesting points. 

Yes I do believe there is a mismatch between male submissives looking for a Domme and Dommes looking for a male submissive. This mismatch is quite considerable. When I was looking for my current submissive a couple of years ago, I had plenty of options - however were they a good match for me? Overwhelmingly no. 

Most male submissives I spoke to had no idea what they were after other than a ‘Domme’. Essentially this gives me the impression that my skills and bdsm philosophies meant very little to them - they were just after any female. Certainly not an attractive proposition. Additionally when I did meet these submissives, I got the impression they expected me to come to lunch in leather whielding a bull whip 😂😂. 

These are adult consensual negotiated dynamics - some are after primary bf/gf relationships, others are after secondary D/s only relationships. Some people are mono - others poly. Some are long distance, some want real life only. We all have different kinks and they will never 100% mesh - however having an understanding of what’s a ‘must have’ in your relationship and what’s a flexible ‘I’d like this but if it’s not possible that’s ok’ is extremely important. 

I hated trying to negotiate with essentially a wet blanket that kept saying ‘whatever you want’. That’s not a negotiation and no way to set a strong foundation for a longer term relationship. 

unfortunately why this sounds mean, you do need to think ‘why would a Domme choose me over the dozens of other male submissives around’, just as much as you need to ask yourself ‘is this Domme good enough for me?’ 

So advice to unowned male submissives 

- spend time understanding yourself as a submissive and what you really want out of a D/s relationship 

- research terms, ideas, activities and discuss them with a variety of people (yes more than just pouncing on the one person with Mistress in their name) 

- think about how you would answer serious questions from a prospective Domme and have questions for her (if your standards are low, expect a crappy Domme)

- involve yourself in your local community. This doesn’t just mean turning up to a couple of munches and getting upset your dream Domme isn’t sitting bored in the corner just waiting for you. Volunteer to help in the organising and running of events. Volunteer to be an extra bottom for ***r rope, volunteer to bottom for education demonstrations etc. This will show commitment and you’ll meet and possibly play with a variety of Dommes

- put yourself out there!! No one will magically see you if you don’t chat in rooms (online), go to munches and events.  

- Don’t immediately proposition a Domme as soon as you meet her. This is not a ‘first in gets the prize’ situation! In fact a premature application will give the Domme the impression you’re not interested in her but in just any female 

- overall respect the word NO. Harassing a Domme who has said no, will never magically make her change her mind, but what it will do is *** her off and cut off possibilities of becoming friends. 

Good luck

 

Heels 👠👠

[TechnoVikin-8169]

Not many on this site or they get so many messages they change profiles. Or finndommes. It is a weird experience. To come here and find out, the kink you want to explore will be exploited if your not careful and doing that to my personality you better be good at it or i am coming after you. 

[TechnoVikin-8169]

And Missheels, your an aussie. what you doing here. We brits are confused enough with australian bdsm! lol

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, TechnoViking said:

And Missheels, your an aussie. what you doing here. We brits are confused enough with australian bdsm! lol

You just want to kiss my flag don’t you 😈😈

[TechnoVikin-8169]

2 minutes ago, MissHeels said:

You just want to kiss my flag don’t you 😈😈

I only kiss the kiwis flag 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, TechnoViking said:

Not many on this site or they get so many messages they change profiles. Or finndommes. It is a weird experience. To come here and find out, the kink you want to explore will be exploited if your not careful and doing that to my personality you better be good at it or i am coming after you. 

I can't speak for anybody else..but this argument cuts both ways, I'm fed up of being approached by people after a bit of kinky no strings sex and calling themselves subs because they think that will get them what they want.

Also fed up of being spoken to as if I'm here to provide a service, instead of as a person. Not every Domme on the site demands *** or tribute or anything else come to that, some of us are real people with real lives looking for a genuine one to one full relationship within a BDSM dynamic..the fakes, flakes, wannabes and scammers hurt A/all of us.

I would guesstimate that 8 out of 10 of the 'subs' that have approached me have called me fake when I point out their kinks and mine aren't compatible, or when I say they're too young for me, or too far away or, most tellingly that I'm not interested in casual encounters, or whatever other reason there might be for not wanting to meet them for their bucket list fantasies.

And while I'm on my soapbox, I am also sick and tired of Dom men trying to tell me I just need the right Dom, or that I should know my place, even had the kneel bitch approach..its laughable and sad at the same time..and if they use similar approaches with submissive women I understand entirely why they have no luck.

 

 

[ey****]

Miss Heels and MsJax raise amazing advice.

Guys - listen to them

Their advice is spot on.

The ratio between F-Dominants and m-subs is a lot closer than most people think - but regardless of what you think 'the ratio' is, if you're not getting what you want, how can you be better?

Nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you kink.

Entitlement is not a trait of submission.

Equally, too many sub guys seem to start from the "any woman will do" approach and nothing says "I don't think you're special" then treating people like anyone wil do.

Then you get the guys who are "I want anything, except Findom"

*slow clap*

Don't focus too much on what you don't want, explore towards what you do want.  That should be tailered in your approach.

Because then you are more likely to interest or attract suitable Dominants - or be better placed to contact some one who interests you.

-

Incidentally, interesting point about finance and "exploiting the fetish"

OK, guys - if you're sat at home thinking about YOUR fetish and how some woman should do it for you - you are looking for someone to USE.

That's exploitation.

And so you get this horrid mismatch of guys who annoy women and women who annoy guys - and probably, both groups could do more to focus on who they want to attract and what they can offer.

And don't just google a bunch of words or do the "I can cook or clean".

-

And this discovery might not be an overnight thing, put in the time and effort - read things, go to munches, go to events, put in efforts to self learn and improve yourself.

I mean, without sounding like I'm self-negging.

If *I* can do it...

[TechnoVikin-8169]

38 minutes ago, MsJax said:

I can't speak for anybody else..but this argument cuts both ways, I'm fed up of being approached by people after a bit of kinky no strings sex and calling themselves subs because they think that will get them what they want.

Also fed up of being spoken to as if I'm here to provide a service, instead of as a person. Not every Domme on the site demands *** or tribute or anything else come to that, some of us are real people with real lives looking for a genuine one to one full relationship within a BDSM dynamic..the fakes, flakes, wannabes and scammers hurt A/all of us.

I would guesstimate that 8 out of 10 of the 'subs' that have approached me have called me fake when I point out their kinks and mine aren't compatible, or when I say they're too young for me, or too far away or, most tellingly that I'm not interested in casual encounters, or whatever other reason there might be for not wanting to meet them for their bucket list fantasies.

And while I'm on my soapbox, I am also sick and tired of Dom men trying to tell me I just need the right Dom, or that I should know my place, even had the kneel bitch approach..its laughable and sad at the same time..and if they use similar approaches with submissive women I understand entirely why they have no luck.

 

I came here to explore what is bdsm is to me. For me this is about connection. Finding someone I get on with. Not just bdsm that is part of it but if you cant talk, cant actually get on then the rest of it dont mean anything. Or it is as you say just cold kinky play. Which i tried before. It was fun but deep down, I am a romantic. Although on this site, romance seem as the bottom of everyones list. it is all about the play. The games the manipulations. The people who believe they worked out all this chaos and act like professors sitting in leather chairs. 

 

This is one strange lifestyle. But you crazy bastards are growing on me. 

38 minutes ago, MsJax said:

 

 

[MistressMettle]

Miss Heels is spot on with her advice. 

I have had so many conversations with guys who respond saying they'll do anything for me.

This is really frustrating as it gives no indication as to what they are looking for or if we'd be a good match.

As someone who has been a sub for a long time I know both sides but you have to be clear about who you are what your experience is and what you're interested in. If you can't even tell me if you are looking for a long-term s/d relationship or a few one off sessions how am I supposed to form any kind of relationship with you.

And don't get me started on the guys that immediately jump into a personal message telling me they want to lick my feet. Wow down cowboy I am a human being.

[Deleted Member]

1 minute ago, TechnoViking said:

I came here to explore what is bdsm is to me. For me this is about connection. Finding someone I get on with. Not just bdsm that is part of it but if you cant talk, cant actually get on then the rest of it dont mean anything. Or it is as you say just cold kinky play. Which i tried before. It was fun but deep down, I am a romantic. Although on this site, romance seem as the bottom of everyones list. it is all about the play. The games the manipulations. The people who believe they worked out all this chaos and act like professors sitting in leather chairs. 

 

This is one strange lifestyle. But you crazy bastards are growing on me. 

 

I feel like an outsider 90% of the time because I want, need rather, the whole vanilla And kink blend, and not just the kink, I get grief for saying so on my profile, I've lost count of the amount of "fuck off to pof if you want romance, this is a sex site" type messages or comments I've received, and I sure as hell haven't worked everything out..but I am a nurturer and if someone asks for help, or another perspective, if I feel I can contribute I will..especially if it saves someone learning something the hard way.

[ey****]

Ha. Trust me. No one has worked out all the chaos.

But that's the fun part.

People like different things.  There's not really one strict right way - but a lot of wrong ways.  

[TechnoVikin-8169]

6 minutes ago, MsJax said:

I feel like an outsider 90% of the time because I want, need rather, the whole vanilla And kink blend, and not just the kink, I get grief for saying so on my profile, I've lost count of the amount of "fuck off to pof if you want romance, this is a sex site" type messages or comments I've received, and I sure as hell haven't worked everything out..but I am a nurturer and if someone asks for help, or another perspective, if I feel I can contribute I will..especially if it saves someone learning something the hard way.

So what is this site. It is a sex site. a bdsm site? Lets cut to it. why waste time. I rather know now if anyone can tell me. eyemblacksheep you seem to have knowledge of this. This thing we call bdsm on fetish.com. What the hell is it. Are we all here playing games with the pretence of some "lifestyle" that doesn't actually exist. Only a perception a thin shadow to hide the sexual games. Or is it more than that. 

 

 

[ey****]

I see the website is another facet of the scene. A resource.  A community.  A lot of people will be here for different reasons, some to strengthen their knowledge, some to make friends

Like Miss Heels says above, some will seek a romantic relationship, some a D/s relationship, some a bit of both, some just casual play.  

Generally, I find a lot of internet sites aren't too friendly towards women - as - within comments above you get a lot of guys who come around and get too personal too quickly or hand out their kink lists and expect them to be fulfilled.   That no matter how full time or casual a relationship, another person also has wants.

Of course, there are fantasists, guys who will come and talk a talk but if they got offered kink they'd run a mile.  They, basically, just want a free wank.  Then of course there's the Findomme whom can unsettle a few - but they kinda move on when they find somewhere doesn't work for them.   But that's the same for anything or anywhere.

The thing is - everyone has their own little stories, there own wants and needs - and sometimes being able to figure them out is half the battle.    But, I would never put all my eggs in one basket.  I like some of the things they do with this site, the magazine - and of course having a chat which while I'm very rarely in - I know has a popular community, some of which may have been friends before they came here - some of which may not, but just got on.

One of the good and bad things about the kink scene, lifestyle, etc. is that it's not black and white.  So, there's rarely a one-size solution - but this often means that people have to share platforms with those whom have different wants and ideas.

As I say, there's no one right way. But certainly many wrong ones.

[TechnoVikin-8169]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I see the website is another facet of the scene. A resource.  A community.  A lot of people will be here for different reasons, some to strengthen their knowledge, some to make friends

Like Miss Heels says above, some will seek a romantic relationship, some a D/s relationship, some a bit of both, some just casual play.  

Generally, I find a lot of internet sites aren't too friendly towards women - as - within comments above you get a lot of guys who come around and get too personal too quickly or hand out their kink lists and expect them to be fulfilled.   That no matter how full time or casual a relationship, another person also has wants.

Of course, there are fantasists, guys who will come and talk a talk but if they got offered kink they'd run a mile.  They, basically, just want a free wank.  Then of course there's the Findomme whom can unsettle a few - but they kinda move on when they find somewhere doesn't work for them.   But that's the same for anything or anywhere.

The thing is - everyone has their own little stories, there own wants and needs - and sometimes being able to figure them out is half the battle.    But, I would never put all my eggs in one basket.  I like some of the things they do with this site, the magazine - and of course having a chat which while I'm very rarely in - I know has a popular community, some of which may have been friends before they came here - some of which may not, but just got on.

One of the good and bad things about the kink scene, lifestyle, etc. is that it's not black and white.  So, there's rarely a one-size solution - but this often means that people have to share platforms with those whom have different wants and ideas.

As I say, there's no one right way. But certainly many wrong ones.

That is deep. "The scene" Now what is the scene. Lets not got tied down in pretentious contentions of lifestyles. This is a sex site. This is basically what bdsm is. I got no problem with that. i just like brutal honesty. Although I may never share this fascination in a lifestyle that seems more about games and pretence. But who knows, maybe there is something here i am missing, but i don't see it yet. 

Edited April 13, 2018 by TechnoViking

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, TechnoViking said:

That is deep. "The scene" Now what is the scene. Lets not got tied down in pretentious contentions of lifestyles. This is a sex site. This is basically what bdsm is. I got no problem with that. i just like brutal honesty. Although I may never share this fascination in a lifestyle that seems more about games and pretence. But who knows, maybe there is something here i am missing, but i don't see it yet. 

What is ‘the scene’?? 

Well I’ll tell you a little about my life. I’m a Switch, married to my Dominant and we have been together for 21 years. We are polysexual and polyamourus and I have my own local submissive, who I have had almost 2 years now. For me ‘the scene’ is a collection of different bdsm communities I engage in, where I talk to a variety of other people interested in and actively in bdsm. Some are and some are not in relationships. Some identify as Tops/Dominants/Masters, some as bottoms/submissives/slaves and of course some like myself are Switches. In my local community we even have a small group of regular vanillas who just like to see it because they think it’s facinating (no not voyeurs). 

I belong to four different online bdsm communities and of course there’s my local groups - today I’m taking my boy to a local CFnm event 😈. 

For me, I’m not looking for a partner, but I am interested in what others do, expanding my own cache of ideas and occasionally some good expert targeted advice. I also like sharing what I do and my experiences. 

So the scene is a collection of places/forums where like minded people can discuss things. We are all equals - unless there is a negotiated consensual agreement with a power exchange. 

What I believe everyone gets all twisted about is the motivations behind why we are all here. Understanding that your own motivations are not the same as everyone else’s and tailor your approaches accordingly. For me it’s easy, I’m not looking for partners but friends, however I do know it’s a minefield for those looking for their perfect partner. 

For those who only do want a hook up, honestly I’m not sure what the success rate is of this site for that style of play. Most lifestyle D/s people I know would never just ‘hook up’ - so I’m not surprised if you get a lot of rejections. There is a huge difference between kinky people and D/s, again it’s about understanding from the point of view from the person you’re talking to. If their motivation for being here is not aligned with yours.... 

so what is ‘the scene’? It’s where bdsm activities and lifestyle can be discussed and practiced amongst like minded people. But don’t expect what you want is what others want. 

Heels 👠👠

[TechnoVikin-8169]

1 hour ago, MissHeels said:

What is ‘the scene’?? 

Well I’ll tell you a little about my life. I’m a Switch, married to my Dominant and we have been together for 21 years. We are polysexual and polyamourus and I have my own local submissive, who I have had almost 2 years now. For me ‘the scene’ is a collection of different bdsm communities I engage in, where I talk to a variety of other people interested in and actively in bdsm. Some are and some are not in relationships. Some identify as Tops/Dominants/Masters, some as bottoms/submissives/slaves and of course some like myself are Switches. In my local community we even have a small group of regular vanillas who just like to see it because they think it’s facinating (no not voyeurs). 

I belong to four different online bdsm communities and of course there’s my local groups - today I’m taking my boy to a local CFnm event 😈. 

For me, I’m not looking for a partner, but I am interested in what others do, expanding my own cache of ideas and occasionally some good expert targeted advice. I also like sharing what I do and my experiences. 

So the scene is a collection of places/forums where like minded people can discuss things. We are all equals - unless there is a negotiated consensual agreement with a power exchange. 

What I believe everyone gets all twisted about is the motivations behind why we are all here. Understanding that your own motivations are not the same as everyone else’s and tailor your approaches accordingly. For me it’s easy, I’m not looking for partners but friends, however I do know it’s a minefield for those looking for their perfect partner. 

For those who only do want a hook up, honestly I’m not sure what the success rate is of this site for that style of play. Most lifestyle D/s people I know would never just ‘hook up’ - so I’m not surprised if you get a lot of rejections. There is a huge difference between kinky people and D/s, again it’s about understanding from the point of view from the person you’re talking to. If their motivation for being here is not aligned with yours.... 

so what is ‘the scene’? It’s where bdsm activities and lifestyle can be discussed and practiced amongst like minded people. But don’t expect what you want is what others want. 

Heels 👠👠

Never assume always wrong. I havent been looking here. I am interested in what this forum offers me. So i push for answers. Its not really impressing me but some get lost in this. Whether I choose to try this or not still undecided. I wanted to know the mindsets of the people who practise this and it has been enlightening. 

[ey****]

15 hours ago, TechnoViking said:

 Although I may never share this fascination in a lifestyle that seems more about games and pretence. 

I'm curious as of what you mean by that.