Debating about leaving the lifestyle

[Se****]

Definitely everything everyone has said so far, but also I would make sure you get the support you need to make sure you feel safe enough to trust yourself agai . I had a similar situation, and it took me a few years to even entertain regular dating. I just started back in the community again and I also just want to say you can take your time and tell anyone who you don't feel good with 'no' the right person will be patient with you and work with you if they're meant to. Best of luck my friend I highly recommend a lil break out of everything

[Ma****]

Yes. And open yourself to be shown the truth. What is going on in the world is extremely relevant that legit Catholic and Orthodox known. Bolshevik Revolution 2.0. Nimrod dna found (Assange / Iraq /hrc ) either the antichrist ai or a clone.pay attention to DAA’TH their religion of data. Death Vader. The sith. The polish jw who is not of the 13 tribes who are 95% of who you think one is, they are energised by their father. The ba king system inverted, controlled all central banking, the publicallt confirmed incest family of Rothchild. There’s Epstein, so much truth is going to be exploded. Prepare get right with your creator and remember to love your neighbor your enemy and always forgive do not hold accymrnt to this world. Discard all lines of spiritual connection to what we’ve you *** to lose or leave. Focus on Jesus don’t take your focus off of him. Great struggle and great deception will be in our season. Can you feel it? Once you stop the sexual sin, repent Ie know why and ask for forgiveness r

[ch****]

We have a duality in our relationship. In the bedroom she is my play thing to do with anything I want. Outside the bedroom she is my Queen. If your never that person's Queen it could get out of hand

[Kn****]

That really is a tough situation and very unfortunate position you find yourself in. Im sorry to hear any situation like this. Speaking from alcohol recovery experience, and I'm in no way comparing anything, but finding trust in my own decision making was the biggest hurdle in trusting again. Close trusted friend(s) can go a long way. Decisions by group consensus. It's kind of a cruel trick in a way because I needed the very thing I tried to pull away from once all the trust was gone. People.. Community..
I wish you the best of luck in healing both physically and spiritually.
Take your time and fully heal the best you can. 🙏

[Bl****]

Take you time until you find the ride person, there is someone who fits your needs out there

[ra****]

Honestly if its that hard for you, take a break. Step back. Try to heal. There is no rule saying you cant try again when youve healed and there is nothing wrong if you do permanently stay away from the community

[Josh-5069]

Oh my that's terrible!

[AC****]

Never let an experience or a person change your life negatively. You met an asshole, they are out there but so is someone that will allow you to be happy.

[ch****]

Also know what you want and dont settle. I did once and I was a miserable person till I realized this person was right for me.

[Deleted Member]

Yes people say they want certain things but then they change and put the brakes on !!! If they really don’t have an open mind and let bad experiences run there life look at the person are they bad choice like others you have had !!! Sometimes they just come in a different looking package disguised, and end up the same abusive problem!!! Devloinh your foundation first gets things off on the right foot people forget to vet and others get cold feet !!!

[Ar****]

You leaving the lifestyle won’t affect anyone realistically except for yourself. Do what feels right for you, but don’t let anyone hold that kind of power over you by their shitty choices having a say in what you do or don’t do with your life ♥️

[Pa****]

Someone will love and appreciate you. But we all have to put ourselves out there and take chances

[da****]

So yeah i can see how that unfortunate situation could potentially turn you away from the lifestyle and I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s not the same thing but in my local community I have had a few run ins with an individual who knew I was lifestyle who just also was someone who was part of my mental health group for a short time she worked for the organization so a few years after she left that organization I saw her at a slosh event and she immediately rips into me about the rules and stuff but like id been going to them for a year or so before I ended up seeing her there. It seemed to me that she was harassing me because she knew me and I basically ignored her the first time I saw her because well honestly a dark bar and I wasn’t paying attention to everyone there I didn’t immediately recognize her then she tried to say I didn’t fill out a form in time for a group she ran but guess what I had I just filled out a second form because I couldn’t remember when I had done the one previous but I filled out the form for my at the time domme and they had hers filled mine out before I did hers see a pattern then a month or two later I went to another local event and she and her partner pulls me aside and said technically I hadn’t broken any rules but not everyone wants to play with me I’m like I hadn’t talked to anyone in moths about playing so I don’t get what she was saying and saying something about saying hello to people out in public like everything she was doing looked like and felt like harassment to me because of her first interaction it’s not the same but it led to a similar feeling of wanting to leave the lifestyle for a while if not permanently

[Scottishdombull]

Hello.
I think that this is down to you makeme. You saying it went beyond basic play despite limits and boundaries which i presume was in place to stop this off basic play?

The betrayal? Is tough and should not reflect its the norm of all other doms we are all different.

I would suggest that if you want to take steps back to collect your thoughts look at things analytically. If you decide to come back that be excellent. If not it is understandable for your own wellbeing.


All the best

[Deleted Member]

On 1/7/2026 at 10:27 PM, MakeMeYours89 said:

Im writing to get some help from my fellow community members. My last partnership went beyond basic play. Despite having limits and boundaries, I was physically & mentally ***d. Before you say anything, im not new to this lifestyle. Im having a hard deciding whether I want to stay in this lifestyle. Im scared to evwn look for a new partner. Any advice

Can you truly leave yourself?  I like to think of BDSM as part of who I am. Perhaps take a rest, take care of yourself for a while, return refreshed and renewed from the lessons you learnt from having your boundaries disrespected, you deserve better. Don’t be scared of looking for a partner but do be every particular about who you let close to you and make sure you are strong in your boundaries and your relationship with yourself first. It’s ok to take a long vetting period, join sub groups on FB for support, attend munches so that you have the knowledge not to get messed around again. Be gentle with yourself you deserve to experience kink in a safe, compassionate communicated space just like the rest of us. If you need sub support feel free to message me anytime. But for now, take some time to rest & reset 🤗

[Gentlemandom47]

I’m really sorry this happened to you. What you’re describing isn’t a “bad dynamic” or a misunderstanding - it’s a ***. Having limits and boundaries ignored, especially when there was psychological harm involved, leaves very real wounds, regardless of how experienced someone is.

 

First, please know this: experience does not make you immune to harm. Being hurt does not mean you failed, missed something obvious, or “should have known better.” ***rs exist in kink spaces just as they do everywhere else, and they often hide behind experience, confidence, or the language of BDSM.

 

It’s completely valid question whether you want to stay in the lifestyle right now- or ever. You are not required to decide anything immediately. Stepping away, pausing, or even leaving entirely for a while is not weakness; it’s self protection.

 

A few things that may help as you find your footing agin:

- Prioritise your healing over your identity

You don’t need to decide whether you’re “still kinky.” Focus first on feeling safe in your body and your mind again. Labels can wait.

- Talk to someone outside of kink

A therapist or counsellor who understands trauma (not necessarily kink) can be incredibly helpful. What you experienced has crossover with *** and PTSD, and support matters.

- If you do re-engage, go much slower than you think you should 

Long conversations before play. Explicit discussions about aftercare. Watching how someone responds to “no,” hesitation, or uncertainty. Consistency over time matters more than chemistry.

- Trust your *** - it’s information not weakness

Being scared to look for a new partner is your nervous system trying to protect you. You don’t need to override that ***; you need to listen to it until it softens on its own.

- Remember: real D/s does not harm your sense of self

A healthy dynamic may challenge you, but it should never leave you diminished, confused, or broken down. Safety, agency, and care are not optional extras - they are foundational.

 

You’re allowed to grieve what you thought that partnership was. You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to walk away - temporarily or permanently - and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

 

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. And know that you’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now.

[Sl****]

MakeMeYours,
I hope that you take stock in what brought you to this “kink” side in the first place vs what promoted you to eschew vanilla.
For me it was a matter of finding a place like here, where all members should let each of us openly craft our profiles and seek like minded people, a live and let live community.
I felt more and more that vanilla life had us living among morality based expectations by society, politics & religion which condemned anything not straight, Christian or monogamous.
I’ve chosen my own personal values vs societal morals. “Treat others the way they want” instead of “treat others the way I want.”
Maybe you can blend the best of both lifestyles but things I’d like you to consider:
Did you learn anything that you could have missed about the kink partner? In hindsight is there anything you would have changed regarding choosing them?

As I finish, I know of so many vanilla women who are ***ed at this time of year because of physical & emotional @bu$e . My current partner had closed her heart because of deep betrayal. Another is fighting PTSD + her husband and 2 kids piling on her relentlessly. At this time after the holidays I’ve been getting texts out of the blue from women who have been dragged across hot coals over narcissistic misogynistic and sociopathic guys. Absent minded. AWOL or simply heartless bad boys who don’t give a fook about being tender present intimate supportive compassionate and empathetic in all of these straight relationships.

I hope you absorb this message but ultimately you know all the nuances of your experiences in both lifestyles, however you’ve had far less experience here and may I ask you to not let one son of a biscuit convince you that the kink world is FUBAR?

I love being deep friends with all people and would welcome you to DM me if any of this resonates. I will quickly share more about me to help you vet myself if you’re considering the offer. I won’t need a shred of knowledge about you, please remain anonymous.

But like myself offering you a safe place to talk, rant and exchange thoughts, the same safe place is what I like about this kink world - even as rando dweebs still want to condemn our fantasies.

I hope all that helps.

[To****]

Do some work on yourself to build your confidence in saying no, and enforcing boundaries. We have all been in a sexual situation where we didn’t want to be there, but didn’t say anything. We can choose never to do that again. Consent is an absolute necessity.
Touch without consent is called ***. That can happen with any relationship or lifestyle.