Silence says a lot more than you think … but it is still good to know the reason

[Carnelian2]

The silent treatment, or “Ghosting” in internet speak is a psychological weapon that is also defined as a form of emotional manipulation and even psychological ***. It is the act of ceasing to initiate or respond to communication with someone else or refusing to acknowledge them altogether.

With the current prevalence on online communication, awareness of these behaviours becomes more important.
Whilst it might be tempting to just end an online dialogue mid-flow without explanation, we should think about the effect it has on the person at the other end.
In the cases where we are emotionally flooded, it may actually indicate that we are the ones that need support, so dialogue can help rather than cutting off the flow of oxygen to put it metaphorically.

“Ghosting” can have a devastating effect in terms of making people profoundly miserable by it.
Also, the stress it causes can result in anxiety and happiness issues that can also have an impact on digestion and physical contact.

Clinical psychologist Jacqueline Duke is quoted to stay that “Most often, a person walks away because they are emotionally flooded. They require some time to sort out their intense or mixed feelings. They ‘flight’ rather than ‘fight’ in order to avoid saying the wrong thing.”
That is an understandable reason, but a meaningful response would be to speak (or write) a sentence or two to explain the feelings and ask for some time to process them. This also indicate mastery over their feelings, however small this may be.

Of course, there is the narcissist who uses it coldly as a cruel, harsh weapon of diminishment and control. In those relationships, it’s considered the psychological equivalent of being physically pummeled, though some experts argue that it’s just poor communication, not ***.

This are just my views based on personal experience and observations in various forums, where I engage with others.
I do think, however, that being open about these things as well as discussing them is important and may help those that do not realise the impact their actions (silent or otherwise) have on others.

I have used an article by Tracy Moore, published online as reference along with some quotes.

[Deleted Member]

I agree with this totally and it’s time for this issue to be addressed.I’ve lost count of the number of times conversations die suddenly or a member deletes their profile.It’s so bad now that I’m constantly in a state of self analysis.” Should I say this , should I say that, I wish I didn’t try to be funny “ .I have a mild autistic condition and maybe I ask too many questions but I’m always respectful to other people here. I’m 52 so I’ve had years of communication problems which has given me a tough skin to accept rejection.There are a lot of 18 to 21 year olds here who don’t have a lot of life experience and they are still trying to work out what they want.Ghosting is going to harm them greatly and possibly turn them away from sites like this. The *** from feeling unwanted/ not suitable/ outcast is in my opinion worst than being conscious through surgery. Bad behaviour breeds bad behaviour and in the worst case it causes resentment which leads to hate and destructive impulses. Would it not be better to just say I’m sorry but I didn’t understand what you meant can you please explain? Rather than just disappear because you misunderstood what someone said. We are a community that has a negative image on the general population because they *** what we do so we should be less selfish and more accepting of each other and help help help those that need it .

[Lk****]

I have to say that I agree with your comment that “bad behavior breeds bad behavior“ because a lot of the ghosting that I see men complaining of has been caused by the abusive behavior when men get honest feedback from women. It’s not uncommon at all for women to ghost guys because as soon as you say no or don’t agree with something they want they go off on you and suddenly you’re a b****, c***, etc... Women get tired of being ***d for being honest. It’s an unfortunate side effect, but until the *** stops ghosting is probably going to continue to be honest. 🤷‍♀️

[Kayak-6086]

I’ve been treated like this for years by different people and in different situations. I’m now an expert at being treated like this. It has created a whole other spectrum of feelings. The experience is interesting. Creating people like this puts us in a whole other category. ☺️Beautiful.

[Carnelian2]

18 minutes ago, LkyLady said:

I have to say that I agree with your comment that “bad behavior breeds bad behavior“ because a lot of the ghosting that I see men complaining of has been caused by the abusive behavior when men get honest feedback from women. It’s not uncommon at all for women to ghost guys because as soon as you say no or don’t agree with something they want they go off on you and suddenly you’re a b****, c***, etc... Women get tired of being ***d for being honest. It’s an unfortunate side effect, but until the *** stops ghosting is probably going to continue to be honest. 🤷‍♀️

In my situation, it was someone asking for help, me providing it, followed by silence. At first, I thought it was just rudeness or "taking for granted" but after too many times, I started to think about the underlying issues.
This was outside of kink, incidentally but I thought I would mention it as it is common online too.

I am not assuming people would be one thing or the other - but if we mention this then we have done our bit. If the response afterwards is abusive, well, then there is a block or report function.

[Carnelian2]

14 minutes ago, Kayak said:

I’ve been treated like this for years by different people and in different situations. I’m now an expert at being treated like this. It has created a whole other spectrum of feelings. The experience is interesting. Creating people like this puts us in a whole other category. ☺️Beautiful.

It should not be like that, though. ok, there are narcissists out there who will never learn anything, but people who should know better may adjust their reactions is they consider the person at the other end

[Deleted Member]

In my experience of being ghosted dozens of times, I’m finding it hard to recognise this “emotionally flooded” motivation. Also, I don’t think their motivation for doing it is the key issue. It’s how those being ghosted react, and what we tell ourselves.

It will happen to just about anyone who seeks online connections. As with misogyny, recently discussed, I believe the answer for those being ghosted to learn to question and control their reactions. Because that’s all we can control - our own behaviour. Even if someone has ghosted for “good” reasons - we are still the ones left behind, wondering why.

[Odie-0518]

An interesting insight. Having been on the receiving end of being “ghosted” I can say it is distressing. I spent weeks wondering what happened or what I’d done wrong. I was confused and hurt. Not knowing why. I came to the realize (with help) that it was poor communication in part and that I may never know they real reasons. I have learned to let go, But it still stings to think about it.

[kree90]

At first getting ghosted really hurts, but the first time it happened, I was reminded how quickly I lose interest in someone. That doesn't take away the over all sting, though. We just need to remember it was likely a "them" problem and had little to do with us. It's sad people think it's okay instead of being a proper adult and using their words.

[Invisible71]

One of my first contacts ended up ghosting me.

Even to this very day I wonder if she is OK and often think if there was a way I could find out. 

But then is it any different to losing contact with work colleagues from old jobs?

I think it's a simple function of the world we live in. 

[Deleted Member]

Recently, had this done to me and it literally broke my heart getting led on to a trusting space to be I dunno thrown away I guess. Quite cowardly, especially in this lifestyle to treat people like that.

[Deleted Member]

All too often we look to blame ourselves, but that just leads us down a self-critical road - “what did I do wrong? Was I too needy?” If the person has ghosted they’re not the one for you because they’ve treated you in such a harsh way or because they’re not in the right space to connect.

[Deleted Member]

I dont know about outside fetish site but here its more likely because people dont want to explain themselves as they dont owe you anything, its very cruel but true reality. In my experience for years communicating with potentials, the chat could go on for weeks then one day it stopped. Women get hundreds of messages, they decide which ones are for them, how they feel it, then slowly substitute for new ones. The lockdown doesnt help creating a real bonding or connection, so the communications are more a passtime for some rather than establish a base for future relationship. 

There is also the situation when they dont want to enter into a debate on why they gone silence, with the risk spiraling again into another communication, they rather cut straight and dont make it emotional.

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, FabSeverus said:

I dont know about outside fetish site but here its more likely because people dont want to explain themselves as they dont owe you anything, its very cruel but true reality. In my experience for years communicating with potentials, the chat could go on for weeks then one day it stopped. Women get hundreds of messages, they decide which ones are for them, how they feel it, then slowly substitute for new ones. The lockdown doesnt help creating a real bonding or connection, so the communications are more a passtime for some rather than establish a base for future relationship. 

There is also the situation when they dont want to enter into a debate on why they gone silence, with the risk spiraling again into another communication, they rather cut straight and dont make it emotional.

It’s cowardice. Let’s call it what it is. Saying “I’m no longer interested” is too hard for lots of people, so they ghost. I think we all owe others that small token of respect.

[Deleted Member]

. I think we all owe others that small token of respect.

Unfortunately only a few know that word! 🙄.

[Deleted Member]

@katie2991 maybe you should read this, very interesting 😂

Edited January 26, 2021 by Deleted Member

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

. I think we all owe others that small token of respect.

Unfortunately only a few know that word! 🙄.

Aw Fab, come on - lots of people here are respectful! 😄

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to hear about your experience as i have had this happen to me .As a newbie to the scene i fell for all the things she said and then just blocked me .I leave you thinking its your fault .i hope this doesn't happen to you on here

[kree90]

I think it's also important to add that even as short as it could have been, when we talk to someone we like, our brains release "feel good" chemicals, so being ghosted literally cuts those chemicals off cold turkey. So...for those of you wondering why you feel terrible after being ghosted and think enough time hasn't passed for you to legitimately feel bad, just know it's science. Your body is now deprived of some damn good chemicals and crashing.

[He****]

I think ghosting someone is a cowards way out of ending a relationship. It is not acceptable ever. We are all adults in this world, so we should act like it. I think it would be especially hard if you have fallen in love with your person, to then be ghosted and not know why, or think everything is okay between you, because that's what they've told you, and be ghosted anyway. So if you are reading this and are ghosting someone, stop it, sometimes the reason you want to walk away is because of misunderstanding, deal with it, see if it can't be resolved. Just don't hurt the other person  that's not fair and not nice. My 2 cents worth, I saw what it did to a friend