Why is it so hard for others to accept a compliment

[De****]

33 minutes ago, OTrainer said:

@MasterTalathian47342

Why should anybody accept a compliment? We’ve all grown up in a patriarchy where the act of complimenting a person is imbued with power dynamics and is not value-neutral. There’s an assumption among the powerful however that a compliment is positive and should therefore be accepted. But the experience of complimentees is often that a compliment is manipulative (e.g. an attempt to make them feel good about themselves- for what purpose or end? How they respond may encourage the complimenter and create the impression of access to the complimentee); a compliment is a challenge to their self-image; a compliment is a trap to encourage them to appear vain; etc.

So a common response to compliments from complete strangers on a dating site is naturally to reject or deflect the compliment, and make it crystal clear that this is an unwanted interaction and to close this approach down.

I say all this as a man who compliments. 95% of my compliments are to females and about 5% are to males. I try to be aware of my own intentions when doing so and so I am aware that on many occasions I am not just innocently complimenting - I am initiating an approach which I hope may develop further. And of course there are those compliments which are more spontaneous and which lack an ulterior motive- I complimented someone here last year on a photo of them which captured an offhand moment where they were laughing, and it was such a beautiful moment to capture and I sent them a message to say that. Even as I sent that compliment I was aware of how I was exercising my feelings of entitlement to comment on aspects of another person and their life.

I may not have intended my compliment to be an approach, but I should not be surprised that it may be interpreted and treated as one, given the contexts (patriarchal society; dating site; etc.) and so the resulting question might well be:

Why is it so hard for complimenters to accept that their compliments are unwelcome?

This 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

[wo****]

Saturday at 02:20 PM, eyemblacksheep said:

I guess another thing... the dynamics between people in the sense of a photographer complimenting another photographer is one thing

a photographer complimenting the model in a photo is another

a man of any role ONLY complimenting women automatically makes it not about the compliment, else they'd also compliment men (when quizzed it then becomes a "but I didn't want them to think I was hitting on them" which is so close to actually being self-aware) 

You’re still addressing a different question than the one I raised.
I wasn’t arguing that rudeness can’t occur, or that initiation doesn’t matter. I was mapping out how complaints are received, how they’re responded to once they’re posted . Is dealt with very differently depending on who is speaking.
Saying “some people are rude” or focusing on who initiated doesn’t address why similar OPs get treated differently by the community. When you say it “doesn’t boil down to gender” you are sidestepping the pattern I described instead of addressing it. You are deflecting from the main point I’m making.
I provide a map of how OP’s are received and your replies are about why men should complain.
Your move here to infer motive ((“ONLY complimenting women means it’s not about the compliment”)) is part of that very same asymmetry I pointed out. Right before our very eyes: you assign motive with confidence > in one direction and are generous in the other direction with context. As you attend to inferring motive instead of engaging my argument, it’s obvious that you have made a verdict.
I’m not saying that women owe anyone access, or attention, or even any agreement. What I am saying is that interpretation always collapses in one direction. The result is that rudeness, norm-setting, and accountability can only run in one direction. That’s concerning. And it is something that is worthy of both attention, and examination.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, woburn169344 said:

You’re still addressing a different question than the one I raised.

you yourself are bringing many strawmen into this discussion.

1 hour ago, woburn169344 said:

Your move here to infer motive ((“ONLY complimenting women means it’s not about the compliment”)) is part of that very same asymmetry I pointed out.

there may well not be an alterior motive.  But this bit shouldn't be difficult to understand.  If someone is ONLY complimenting women.... why not men?  And there's multiple reasons why not.    Because if it's a case of "but i'm not attracted to men" then the compliments boil down to attraction.   But often the bingo is "I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them" - but if they're not, then what's the issue?  And if the men might think you're hitting on them, what do the women think? Regardless of intent.

[th****]

February 7, OTrainer said:

@MasterTalathian47342

Why should anybody accept a compliment? We’ve all grown up in a patriarchy where the act of complimenting a person is imbued with power dynamics and is not value-neutral. There’s an assumption among the powerful however that a compliment is positive and should therefore be accepted. But the experience of complimentees is often that a compliment is manipulative (e.g. an attempt to make them feel good about themselves- for what purpose or end? How they respond may encourage the complimenter and create the impression of access to the complimentee); a compliment is a challenge to their self-image; a compliment is a trap to encourage them to appear vain; etc.

So a common response to compliments from complete strangers on a dating site is naturally to reject or deflect the compliment, and make it crystal clear that this is an unwanted interaction and to close this approach down.

I say all this as a man who compliments. 95% of my compliments are to females and about 5% are to males. I try to be aware of my own intentions when doing so and so I am aware that on many occasions I am not just innocently complimenting - I am initiating an approach which I hope may develop further. And of course there are those compliments which are more spontaneous and which lack an ulterior motive- I complimented someone here last year on a photo of them which captured an offhand moment where they were laughing, and it was such a beautiful moment to capture and I sent them a message to say that. Even as I sent that compliment I was aware of how I was exercising my feelings of entitlement to comment on aspects of another person and their life.

I may not have intended my compliment to be an approach, but I should not be surprised that it may be interpreted and treated as one, given the contexts (patriarchal society; dating site; etc.) and so the resulting question might well be:

Why is it so hard for complimenters to accept that their compliments are unwelcome?

Is it also a patriarchal response when a woman does the exact same thing to a man? I often give men compliments with the same intentions. They usually don’t take it well either offline. They never thank me and just seem confused or offended. Perhaps they also feel violated in some way

[OT****]

14 hours ago, theegyptianking said:

Is it also a patriarchal response when a woman does the exact same thing to a man? I often give men compliments with the same intentions. They usually don’t take it well either offline. They never thank me and just seem confused or offended. Perhaps they also feel violated in some way

No, it isn’t patriarchal when a woman does this, because even with the exact same intention the same act tracks differently when it is travelling upwards in the power hierarchy from the lower levels of power. So ‘exactly the same thing’ will be different by definition. It’s a similar act but different because of how power operates and imbues everything.